Chest Pains At Fifty

Yesterday, was the first day of Christmas vacation for my youngest.  I set my alarm for the late, late time of 7:00 am and it was luscious.  Eldest daughter is still taking exams, but she is autonomous.  I just have to run after her to give a one-sided hug that she resists before she drives off.

Night before last, I had my nails painted.  I went jezebel and had my always clear nails painted RED!  And not just any red but The Breakfast at Tiffanys inspired, "Got the Mean Reds."  I just keep staring at them delightfully.   I know they will start chipping soon, so I am soaking in their perfection as long as I can.

Sometimes, you just need to treat yourself.

Sometimes, I just need to take care of myself.

After the nail salon visit, I discovered it was the 20th anniversary of You've Got Mail. One of my absolute favorite movies of all time.  It doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, I will watch it again.

I discovered this on their Facebook page that I liked and followed some time ago. So I decided immediately to share my love of the movie on this public site.

There's been a big response with 917 other You've Got Mail lovers liking my photo.  I'm enjoying the comments as well.  Other fans, made the same trek and have dogs named Brinkley too.  They love the daisies and smart dialogue as much as I do. I turned the movie on yesterday morning and began noticing things I hadn't the other umpteen times I have watched this Nora Ephron masterpiece. 

This is a tiny bit of connecting with others who love a piece of art as much as I do.  Those little connections are just plain fun.  But in the back of my mind,  I think of everything else that I need to be doing.  The house needs attention, the dogs need walking, there are gifts to be wrapped, errands to be run, etc.  

But sometimes you just have to stop and smell the daisies, because it's fun.

I have spent years judging myself that I'm not doing enough, I'm not working hard enough. I'm a stay at home mom and therefore I should be doing more, and not taking a break (for a movie during a weekday morning, are you kidding?) Work harder. Do More.  Compare yourself to others. 

God Bless. SMH

It's time to let that go. 

We each have our own unique situations and I don't need to compare anymore.

I've done a lot of healing work to let go of feelings of unworthiness, because that's what those nagging feelings are about.  The notion of shame (a la Brene Brown) has been brought up to me again recently. Per Brene: "I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we have experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

Whoa.   There are people in my life who I have been unable to connect with that I think I should and I take that mantle on and carry that shame, that there is something wrong with me. 

People are who they are, and you cannot change them, no matter how much you desperately want to have a connection.  

It's time to let that go. 

I turned fifty this year while I was having fairly intense back pain (sacroiliac joint out of whack, thank you)  On top of that, I had a failed EKG in November.  Thankfully I passed a three and a half hour cardiac stress test on Black Friday.  This was done because I was having chest pains and sensations in my arms and my blood pressure now rises when I'm in the doctor's office.  So it seems that this is anxiety.  Probably related to peri-menopause, teaching the eldest to drive for the last 8 months, and maybe politics?!!  LOL I'm just a little passionate about politics...

My body is telling me to chill the F out.  (Sorry, not sorry) 

We push things down and go on because we need to, have to, and it's really painful to stop and feel the energy that comes through when we stop. The feelings (energy) that come through though will not kill us. For  the most part, we have already gone through them.  Our psyche is trying to teach us though.   It comes through until we pay attention to it.  It is likely, if we don't stop and allow the energy to move through, it will kill us. 

I listened to an authority on the body say, the body will have the last word. 

Having chest pains is really scary.  It is still scary even after you have a clear cardiac stress test. 

My pain has slowed down considerably, yet it happened again yesterday while I was in a movie. Mary freakin' Poppins Returns. Yet the movie made me cry about a longing for connection.  I am just beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together of when they come on.  It seems to be related to thoughts.  I've been working on my thoughts and feelings with an unwavering focus for ten years.  Ten freaking years.  And I am a little angry that my body is betraying me. 

Work harder, do contemplation, mindfulness, spirituality better!!

I may need to take an anti-depressant even though I'm trying all kinds of supplements not to do that. It may just be MY body chemistry at this time in my life needs extra serotonin.  This is a huge hurdle for me to accept.  I just don't want to take it.  

But I might just need to take care of myself.  Whatever and however that looks.  

There is a deep acceptance of that coming for me. Thank you anxiety.  

It's not comfortable to have chest pains.  The body will win in the end. 

My body is clearly trying to get my attention and to accept what is.  I must treat myself kindly however that looks.  I am the only person who can do that. 

Namaste.

The Story of Tonight

The family ventured to Chicago the very last week of summer before school started.  I didn't plan out this trip other than vague notions of places we wanted to go.  Mallory had heard the Museum of Science and Technology was great. (It was!)  Riley wanted to explore her roots at the Polish museum and eat at a Polish restaurant.  George rolls with us ladies, bless him. I had looked into theater.   The only musical I found was "An American in Paris" and no one was thrilled about seeing it, including me so I let it go.  And then, about seven days before we left, I randomly looked online again.  And this search discovered... Hamilton.  

What?!!!  

I didn't know it has been in residence in Chicago since September 2016.  My heart started beating quickly.  Were there tickets?  The excitement began building.  I had given up and felt helpless trying to see Hamilton at all.  We had gone to NY last summer but tickets were rare and extremely expensive. So I just let the idea of seeing the wildly phenomenal musical go.  I also let the touring version go, because it seemed too hard to do. 

I let the desire die.

I was throwing away my shot.

(I didn't even know the music...and I didn't know that was a line)  But not for long.

I just knew many, many people loved the show, and it was about American history which my family is into and it won Tonys. 

So now, this discovery that it is in Chicago!  And... there were a few tickets in the very back still available!! Boom! I knew I just wanted to be in the room where it happens.  So I brought it with the girls.  Mallory was interested but she was more interested in Aladdin.  Riley did not care although she had been the one that led to my search for NYC tickets the year before.  I texted George, and bless him, he left it up to me. He was my George (Washington) on my side.

I percolated on it during the day while on errands. Do I say no to this? Is it too much $$?  But was it worth it to blow us all away?  Do I drag the girls (well, Riley because I knew Mallory would be satisfied)  The irony is that we were originally only going to stay two nights in Chicago before we headed to Wisconsin to visit relatives.  My intuition made me push it to three nights thinking there would be things to do in the big city.  And that third night ending up being the night of the availability of tickets. (And the day before my birthday!!) 

So, we did go, and it was freaking fabulous!  But in all honesty, getting there wasn't pretty.  I have claustrophobia and it kicked in just thinking about getting on a plane before this trip.  I also have a fear of crowded spaces and this was a packed small venue with two balconies.  And in the end, my excitement over this very special opportunity helped ease my fear of flying.  Riley is not as enthralled with theater as Mallory and I are, and she would have stayed at the hotel if allowed.  She wanted to take a break after being on a Mission Trip the previous week.

But we dragged her. 

I don't really know what my expectations were but it went beyond them even knowing how popular it was. I was verklempt when sat down in our last row seats of the first balcony.  Mallory was my right hand man.  The energy in the place was palpable and I was thrilled to have seats next to the exit door!! To save money, George and Riley were on the same row but the opposite side of the theater.


The week before we went, Mallory listened to the soundtrack on YouTube and already had her favorites.  I borrowed the CD from my neighbor and listened in the car as George and I drove to Florida to pick Mal up from a trip.  The three of us listened to the second act (each act has 23 songs!) on our way back to Baton Rouge and I was moved to goosebumps and tears listening to the very last song.  "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"  I wasn't alone being moved by the last song.

What comes next?

This musical was simply and utterly beyond.  I was transfixed in my seat and knew I needed to soak it all in as much as possible.  The story, the choreography, the talent blew me away. It was such a combination of history, hip hop, Broadway ballads and pop. Mallory and I were thrilled and chatted back and forth quietly. When King George walked out to the stage and before he said anything, people clapped. The same for the actor who played Hamilton.  The excitement of the crowd was thrilling.

And when it was over, wait for it...George said Riley laughed and smiled. And Riley told on George and said he cried at the last song. Seriously, I have only see him cry at Seabiscuit and Secretariat.

He knew it was something special.

Since we have been back in Baton Rouge, I have found a few people who have seen it or those who know every line to every song and want to see it.  And we gush non stop about how good it is and it's hard to find words to describe it.  That's when you know it's something extraordinary. 

So very glad I did not throw away my shot.

Your obedient scribe.

C. Gol

Grieving The Living

I am grieving a living person.  It's a very painful process, excruciating.  But I'm willing to go to the mat, and do the heavy work.  I don't want to live in this box anymore.

I have let my self worth be directed by a person who is wounded.  I can't do this anymore.

I am making myself small in order to try to gain acceptance and I will never get it. It has been shown to me over and over and over again that I will not get it.

Now is time to have compassion and acceptance for myself.

 I have to branch out and know that a higher power is going to see me through.

Namaste.

Inside Out

I saw Inside Out yesterday afternoon with my girls.  I had really been looking forward to it as the movie is about emotions.   Yes, emotions! The characters names are emotions!! Really.   How much more could this appeal to me?  The central character was an eleven year old named Riley.  

Seriously! 

 I laughed, and I felt like I had to cry but couldn't.  I still feel blocked up about that.  I have been studying emotions for the better part of my entire life.  I've always been an observer.  Getting a Masters' degree in Counseling was just the beginning of my formal training.  I'm sure that it began earlier than that, in childhood.  Now, the last 7-8 years I've really been concentrating by using therapy, life occurrences and a passion to understand feelings.  Infertility and postpartum depression blew me away.   I felt so lost and alone.   Therapy helped me to begin to understand what was going on and to heal. 

Along the way, these are the issues that I have delved into head first:  dieting and exercise, eating disorders, compulsions, codependency, spirituality, religion, The Twelve Steps, mindfulness, perfectionism, self-esteem, forgiveness, acceptance, dying, and grief.  One has led into another and my life has opened up beyond measure.

But yet still I hide.  I feel like I hide. 

There are so many thoughts I have and I have spent so much time studying and learning, yet still I think I don't know enough.  I will always be a life long student but I do know some things.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I am still afraid to tell what I really believe.  

I think one of the reasons that I do, is because I still label myself overweight in my head.  Because I have not attained perfection in my body size that discounts all of the thoughts in my head, my life experience, and the intensive study I have undertaken. 

So I still have low self esteem.  {chuckling}

I don't know what it is. But I feel like breaking out of this.   This coming school year I have less on my plate - less volunteering with things I felt I had to do.  There will still be volunteering just in another capacity - with less planning on my end.  I am currently feeling passionate about the following things: getting my house in order (clearing the way for a cleaner vision), practicing yoga, and planning time with my friends.  

Oh, and running a household and raising two daughters.  One being a teenager very, very soon.

I just can't sit around and wait for the phone to ring.  I have to get off my tuckus and initiate things myself.  

Here goes.

Namaste.

Letting Go Of What's Broken, Part 2

This is beginning to seep in. The most important part of it to me is that, "You get to laugh loudly, paint, write and create. You get to be yourself."

I LOVE writing.  I didn't start in earnest until five-six years ago.  This blog has been hugely important to me.  I process my life as I write.  Thank you for reading and commenting!

I was unauthentic the first half of my life.  I relied on following others, taking subtle signals from others on how to respond.  I did not know how to live my own life.  And I didn't even know that I wasn't living my own life.   I can see it so much more clearly now that I've been claiming myself for the last few years.  (I love the 40's!!)

I feared so much.  I lived in daily anxiety.  A few months ago,  I went to a party that was with a group that I am not usually extended an invitation.  George was working that night and I worked hard to find a date to go with me.  In the past, the first "no" would have halted the process and felt like a major rejection of me.  Yet I kept asking, I was determined to go.  Finally, a newer friend of mine was able to go.  God bless her, she is still friendly with me because I was so anxious about going and it came out as non-stop blathering.  I couldn't stop talking about my worries….

About going to a party??

When and how did I become this person?  (But that doesn't matter and I don't want to spend any more time figuring it out in my head, I just want to grow)  I didn't really understand what happened until the next day, and I processed my behavior and how anxious I was.  About half way through the party, I thought, do I really want to be here?  I  had been wanting to break through into this group for so long (with no real action on my part, just wishing and hoping) and here I was thinking, hmmm.  Do I want to be here?

And why did I want to be a part of this group so badly? Attractive FB pictures? The desire to be part of a tribe, to be part of a larger whole, to be connected with people?

This is part of figuring out who I am.  I have to try things and see how it goes and some may be just the ticket and some may not.  I recognize that there is a group that I belong to at church that I have felt at home with from the moment I sat down in the chair of their book study.  I can't say this strongly enough.  I FELT AT HOME FROM THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN.  The discussions that we have are exactly in line with passions of mine.   PASSIONS!  They give me support like I have never had, and they comment on who I am becoming and see me for who I am.   I walk in the door and they hug me and are glad to see me.  I have learned to have a voice in that class.  I speak up and say what's on my heart and it's not always pretty but they applaud me and my efforts and say the most warm, nurturing and loving things.  And I'm learning to do the same.  I am learning to be nurturing and warm.  I thought I was before but I wasn't in the way that I aspire to be or rather who I think I am deep inside where fear is not holding me back.

It's so much easier to love others when you love yourself.

And I have never attended any functions of this group that I was invited to.

There is a party tonight. I am making plans to go. And there will probably be nerves.  And that's okay.  I need to try this out.  It may or may not be the ticket but I won't know unless I try.

Namaste.