Panic Attacks And Asking For Help

In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove.  It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months.  I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging.  I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in.  I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it.  It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move. 

I have never named my previous panic attacks.  With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together.  My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan.  She texted, will you have a panic attack?  And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack. 

I do have panic attacks.  

This one enabled me to learn a few things. 

In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye.  I didn't take
a gander at the scanner until the night before.  It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay.  It has to be, because I really need this test.  I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night.   I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months.  It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard. 

The part of the scanner that gave me trouble was a large flat panel that was focused on my neck and it had to remain flat to my face about six- seven inches away for the first test of two minutes.   I took the Xanax at 10:00 for the 10:30 test.  I thought that would give sufficient time and also it needed to stay in my system for the other longer scans at 1:30pm. 

The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go.  One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music.  As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them. 

( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.   

 I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.  

The life began draining from my body slowly and surely. 

I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.  

That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!!  Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again? 

I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this. 

I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend.  I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment. 

I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears.  Who am I going to get to help me?  I have no one to help me.  It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital.  At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with.  An Uber would not do the trick.  I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed. 

I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could. 

Tears rolling down my face even now.  

(Lesson 2)  I do have friends who are willing to help.  

My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available!  I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."  

Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test.   I stopped crying and took another Xanax. 

(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)  

Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it.  I'm here, I've got you.  This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon.  It was so much easier this go round.   

(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax. 

I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax.   Thanks Kris! The fun(!)  from this day carried over until the next day.  I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover.  Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again.  I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.  

I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body.   It just is.  If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body.  I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa.  I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.  

Namaste

The Story of Tonight

The family ventured to Chicago the very last week of summer before school started.  I didn't plan out this trip other than vague notions of places we wanted to go.  Mallory had heard the Museum of Science and Technology was great. (It was!)  Riley wanted to explore her roots at the Polish museum and eat at a Polish restaurant.  George rolls with us ladies, bless him. I had looked into theater.   The only musical I found was "An American in Paris" and no one was thrilled about seeing it, including me so I let it go.  And then, about seven days before we left, I randomly looked online again.  And this search discovered... Hamilton.  

What?!!!  

I didn't know it has been in residence in Chicago since September 2016.  My heart started beating quickly.  Were there tickets?  The excitement began building.  I had given up and felt helpless trying to see Hamilton at all.  We had gone to NY last summer but tickets were rare and extremely expensive. So I just let the idea of seeing the wildly phenomenal musical go.  I also let the touring version go, because it seemed too hard to do. 

I let the desire die.

I was throwing away my shot.

(I didn't even know the music...and I didn't know that was a line)  But not for long.

I just knew many, many people loved the show, and it was about American history which my family is into and it won Tonys. 

So now, this discovery that it is in Chicago!  And... there were a few tickets in the very back still available!! Boom! I knew I just wanted to be in the room where it happens.  So I brought it with the girls.  Mallory was interested but she was more interested in Aladdin.  Riley did not care although she had been the one that led to my search for NYC tickets the year before.  I texted George, and bless him, he left it up to me. He was my George (Washington) on my side.

I percolated on it during the day while on errands. Do I say no to this? Is it too much $$?  But was it worth it to blow us all away?  Do I drag the girls (well, Riley because I knew Mallory would be satisfied)  The irony is that we were originally only going to stay two nights in Chicago before we headed to Wisconsin to visit relatives.  My intuition made me push it to three nights thinking there would be things to do in the big city.  And that third night ending up being the night of the availability of tickets. (And the day before my birthday!!) 

So, we did go, and it was freaking fabulous!  But in all honesty, getting there wasn't pretty.  I have claustrophobia and it kicked in just thinking about getting on a plane before this trip.  I also have a fear of crowded spaces and this was a packed small venue with two balconies.  And in the end, my excitement over this very special opportunity helped ease my fear of flying.  Riley is not as enthralled with theater as Mallory and I are, and she would have stayed at the hotel if allowed.  She wanted to take a break after being on a Mission Trip the previous week.

But we dragged her. 

I don't really know what my expectations were but it went beyond them even knowing how popular it was. I was verklempt when sat down in our last row seats of the first balcony.  Mallory was my right hand man.  The energy in the place was palpable and I was thrilled to have seats next to the exit door!! To save money, George and Riley were on the same row but the opposite side of the theater.


The week before we went, Mallory listened to the soundtrack on YouTube and already had her favorites.  I borrowed the CD from my neighbor and listened in the car as George and I drove to Florida to pick Mal up from a trip.  The three of us listened to the second act (each act has 23 songs!) on our way back to Baton Rouge and I was moved to goosebumps and tears listening to the very last song.  "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?"  I wasn't alone being moved by the last song.

What comes next?

This musical was simply and utterly beyond.  I was transfixed in my seat and knew I needed to soak it all in as much as possible.  The story, the choreography, the talent blew me away. It was such a combination of history, hip hop, Broadway ballads and pop. Mallory and I were thrilled and chatted back and forth quietly. When King George walked out to the stage and before he said anything, people clapped. The same for the actor who played Hamilton.  The excitement of the crowd was thrilling.

And when it was over, wait for it...George said Riley laughed and smiled. And Riley told on George and said he cried at the last song. Seriously, I have only see him cry at Seabiscuit and Secretariat.

He knew it was something special.

Since we have been back in Baton Rouge, I have found a few people who have seen it or those who know every line to every song and want to see it.  And we gush non stop about how good it is and it's hard to find words to describe it.  That's when you know it's something extraordinary. 

So very glad I did not throw away my shot.

Your obedient scribe.

C. Gol

Living With the Mighty Mississippi

The Mississippi River is at it's highest levels here in Baton Rouge since 1973 or 1927. In 1927, one million homes were flooded. Both dates are mentioned and I'm not sure which is accurate at this point in time. I became obsessed with watching the coverage especially last Saturday as the decision was made to open the Morganza Spillway and flood rural areas making the flood danger lower here in Baton Rouge and New Orleans. I read a couple of articles about living close to a river of the magnitude of the Mississippi. Mark Twain was quoted. The gist is that the Mississippi River is a force to be reckoned with and men can only do so much to contain it or try to harness it.

I finally bought flood insurance although we do not live in the flood zone. Each hurricane season since Katrina and especially Gustav, I have thought, I need to do this, just in case. Back in 1927, the river came up as far as Highland Road which is less than a mile from here, but you never know. There could be another tropical storm that just pours over us for days which has happened before. You cannot fight mother nature as seen in Missouri, Alabama, Japan, Indonesia, Haiti and the list goes on and on.

We went to see the water downtown last night. I have never been to the levee and seen police tape. (That is the top of USS Kidd in the background) No one is allowed on the levee. The water IS at historic levels. You can also see the orange tube structure, the Tiger boom, that was added to increase the height of the levee.

After Gustav, I don't take the force of Mother Nature for granted anymore. Katrina could have done it but I was not affected in an up close and personal way. With Gustav I was. One hundred mile an hour winds and subsequent destruction in our area, I was left with no power, trees down in the yard, 2 young children, no generator, no ice, 90+ degree temperatures, an elderly mother in law and a husband planted at the hospital, Gustav did me in. I can still see the parking lot of Walmart in my mind, when we went to find ice. It was unreal and resembled a third world country but everyone was in a car. People needed gas, food and ice. We had no idea how long it would take for them to reestablish electrical power, so the girls and my mother in law headed to my sister in law's in Atlanta. I had never driven that far by myself but I wanted to get out of town. I say by myself because the three other passengers could not drive and have no sense of direction so I was on my own in that sense.

So, I now believe in the force of mother nature. I watched the house in an adjoining neighborhood slowly rebuild after Gustav and it took them at least 2 years. It was a weekly reminder and I still think of Gustav as I pass it. I had to feel it up close and personal to REALLY believe. My lovely house that I fill with our belongings and decorate and get just right, can be gone in an instant or a matter of minutes. And hopefully, I would be left with what matters most, my family and God that I can rely on to get me through.

Motherhood is not for Sissies

It's that time of year again. Riley and Mallory have six and a half days and then school is out for SUMMER! Not that I'm counting.
The thoughts of summer conjure up both dread and excitement. It use to be all dread and my friend says my voice doesn't sound (as) panicked as in past summers. Yet I am steeling myself mentally right now. I am grieving my alone time. I love my quiet time. At this moment, I am sitting in my beautiful new living room and my windows on this mid May South Louisiana day are open!! and it is breezy!! I hear the birds chirping and the wind chimes clanging. Both cats are sleeping near me on the new furniture. : ) It is blissfull and I am soaking it up.

I love my girls with every fiber of my being, yet 24/7 just makes for very loooong hot summer days. There will be boredom, bickering and the need for patience, patience, patience. And George's work is unyielding. In the past I did not know how to take care of myself fully. I felt guilty for needing time away and judged myself so harshly. Now I know that it is the best thing for everybody. Being present with my children means I have to take care of myself so that I can be available. I need to schedule time away. I have scheduled some activities for them, joined a pool and plan to keep us busy but also have downtime in our own home. I am recognizing that I have to expend their energy especially Mallory's, and yet keep order. I want them to have fun, but be respectful of me, each other and their surroundings. That's a tall order when you are eight and five. And lessons that have to be repeated over and over again ad nauseum. Being a parent is not for sissies but I LOVE IT. I just can't imagine not having these beautiful children in my life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love seeing the world through their eyes and it is exhilarating when my eyes even with all of my adult worries are childlike again.


Mallory and I recently went to see Toy Story on Ice downtown at the River Center on a Saturday afternoon. There was a lot going on downtown. The Mississippi River is at a record high and we walked to see it from the levee. We walked back and in the middle of the Blues Festival concert, we spotted these ducks in a fountain. It immediately takes me to the book, "Make Way for Ducklings" which was given to us by my sister in law. It's one of our favorites and we even visited the statues dedicated to the book in the Boston Commons on a trip a few years back. And then on Sunday, George and Riley wanted to see the river so we went back again and I was excited to remember to look to see if the ducks were there. And they were! My heart was thrilled to see the Mama duck and the duckling....ducks! I was thrilled to see ducks??!!

To me that it was life is all about now. I am slowly moving away from the material possessions and desires of things. We all need some material stuff to some extent but what makes my heart really full is my family and the ability to have excitement about the simple things.

I'm exhausted and it's vacation time

I completely stress out the week before a trip, notice I said trip, not vacation. They use to be vacations before children but now they are trips. Everything is about the children and what will excite them and occupy them. Am I dying to go to the American Girl store? Well not really but evidently this is what parenthood is about... I digress. We fly out of New Orleans around 11:25 Saturday, on our way to Chicago. And we have a family wedding to attend in Wisconsin, next Saturday. And my dogs have been barking since this morning and I'm tired. (for those of you not accustomed to dog talk that means my feet) On top of all of the leaving the house preparations, TMI ALERT, Aunt Flo came to visit and I have cramps. (I just don't think there are many men reading this at all.)

There is so much that has to be done before one leaves. Bills, pets, mail, clothes cleaned, plane/travel entertainment, decisions made, think of every possible thing that you might need, but keep it to a minimum because there were too many bags and they weighed too much last time we went. Mallory wants to bring her big pink fluffy coat that doesn't fit anymore, and I say NO, so there is negotiation, but we are still bringing "Big Dog" who she has slept with since Easter 2 years ago. And he is not called "Big Dog" for nothing, he will take up a third of the suitcase. Riley wants to bring her hair bows for her stuffed dog, that she never uses on a regular basis but they are small, so they get a yes.

I don't know why this drives me crazy, this packing for a trip. I did start earlier this time. I began thinking things out on Monday and today is Friday. I also worry about flying, but for me it is about feeling clausterphobic. Many moons ago, I was flying back late on a Sunday night by myself maybe from visiting George before we were married. That was my first experience I believe with a mile panic attack and you never forget that feeling. This morning, I started thinking about that kind of panic feeling I would have getting on board the plane. I have a panic reaction that goes down my arms and it tingles and this is not a good tingle. I'm thinking this way because a friend mentioned that she and her husband and 5 month old recently were stuck in the plane for four hours waiting to take off for the same exact route we are going to take. I remember hearing at Christmas time a couple of years ago that people were kept on an airplane for 9 hours under deplorable conditions. I would not do well stuck on a plane for that amount of time AT ALL. The thought of it completely panics me, and then I begin thinking about yoga and deep breathing.

The good thing is that ever since I had kids and the few times we have flown, my mind is completely occupied with taking care of them and I haven't been able to go to the bad places of anxiety. I do see that there is rain expected in Chicago on Saturday when we fly in and I am going to be doing some deep breathing and hopefully my children will keep me busy if we do get stuck in a bad situation. And I did borrow a few Zanax just in case of the worst case scenario!!! I've never taken them but it seems like a really good backup plan. These are the kinds of things I have to remember before taking a trip. I am beginning to look forward to the American Girl store. Riley is so excited for the both of us and it will spread by the time we get there.