Friday, March 26, 2010

Music to sing to

One afternoon while driving my carpool (to and from preschool, to and from grade school, every day, day in, day out, have I said how excited that they will be at the same school next year, except for the tuition??!) I turned on the Love channel on XM. I have avoided this in the past because what I would consider to be dud songs would come on like, "Shake You Down" by Gregory Abbot (would you have known who Gregory Abbot was without the song title?), or something by Journey, Foreigner, or Spandeau Ballet. It's not that these groups are not great, it's just that they don't do it for me. And as you know dear reader, I'm not opposed to sap, as my recent blog about Celene Dion would attest to though I have moved on. The Celene homage is over and it is now equal parts Adam Lambert, Disney's Princess and the Frog and the 2010 Grammy nominated songs with a little Glee thrown in.

Back to the afternoon of love, the first song that came on I said, "Oh my gosh, I LOVE this song!" and sang every word of the song that I hadn't heard in years. Then the next one came on, and I thought, Oh my gosh, I love THIS song too!. And on it went, a long string of songs. These were songs that played major parts of my lovelife in the late 70's, early 80's, and for some particular songs, I could name which guy I was deeply in denial about. It was a recollection of youth, and sweet emotions. But my gosh, what a sap I was. These songs were so syrupy. I guess for me, the 80's were equal parts sappy songs and funkytown fashions. I never realized how bad the fashions were in the 80's but I have had to accept this when I hear fashion mavens, like Rachel Zoe state it as a fact. I was deep in fashion denial as well.

With the girls in the car after pickups, they became annoyed that I was enjoying this music so much. Riley especially now detests the "Love" channel and can tell me when to change the station. (Why did she have to learn to read?) The funny part for me was when we got home, I then couldn't name any of the songs that I had just LOVED. So I listened to the station for days more to try to remember which songs I was so enthused by and Riley just groaned, and I did too with more Air Supply. But I was able to come up with a sketchy list of songs that possibly moved me that afternoon - Kenny Rogers and "She Believes In Me", something by Christopher Cross, and Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch". Can you get any better than Dan Hill? I am pretty sure that Anne Murray's version of "You needed Me" was in the mix. I played piano and I played that song along with "The Rose","You Light Up My LIfe" and the theme from "Ice Castles", over and over singing every line.

And then I know Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" was in the mix.

But with lyrics like this there is no wonder why I am in therapy...the circus coming to town, litter and glitter used in the same song, taking up with a clown, and not crying out loud, keeping those feelings bottled up. This IS why I'm in therapy!! And what exactly does this song mean? If you have any ideas, please throw them my way.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Wild Thing

I did go to yoga today as my last entry alluded to. There was something that was causing me to hold back and not want to go. I knew I NEEDED to go. As I've written before, yoga is not just exercise for me, but pushing myself out of my physical AND emotional comfort zone. In this class two surprising things happened. Early in the class, I was in a pose on my stomach laying on the floor, arching my back up then resting and then going up a little higher each time, my face suddenly came into the sunlight. It felt totally poetic. I was in the light!! It felt meant to be. And the whole window was blocked with a wall of large exercise balls in rows so it was not that easy to come across this ray of light that I was bathed in. I took note.

Secondly, there is a pose called the Wild Thing. I just love the name. I have watched while others have done it but I DIDN'T try. I think that is how my personality has come out with the practice of yoga. I didn't even TRY things that I might like. Wild thing starts with downward dog (pictured above) - and then you kick your leg up, allow it to bend at the knee and then you stretch and then blindly allow yourself to fall over into a one armed back bend. And I DID IT!!!
AND, when I was looking this up to put the right terms and photos, there was a note that said this is an advanced position, not for beginners. Woo Hoo. An advanced position!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I Wish I Knew How to Quit You

I love this line from "Brokeback Mountain." It's part of a much larger scene but I found this very small clip for you. These two men love each other but can't live openly with each other.

This is the way I feel about food. I am trying to live openly with food. he he he. Funny, but oh so serious for me as of late. I am making progess in this journey with food. I and my therapist feel I have turned a corner in that I am beginning to speak up for myself with persons that I was unable to in the past. And it felt SO GREAT! I am learning who I am, and not who people have wanted me to be, or perhaps who I thought they wanted me to be. It's an arduous, painful journey and it keeps going and going and I am trudging along but I do feel that corner has been turned. So I have a love/hate relationship with food. I wish I knew how to quit it, but I still have to eat it in moderation, and stop when I'm full. No emotional nurturance with food, just enough to provide my body with nutrition and energy. So much easier said than done.

One of the facts that I learned about persons with eating disorders is that they think about food 90% of the day and it the stats go down from there. Persons who have normal relationship to food think about it, 20% of the day, just enough to figure out what to cook for the three meals. Wow! I don't know where I was on the continum but I do know that the amount of time has lessened. Think of the time that has opened up to think about other things, work on projects, live life!!

On another front, I had not been going regularly to yoga for about three weeks and I have started back up again. I went to 2 beginner classes in a row, to get myself going again. The second one I went to I realized, IT WASN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH!!! Woo Hoo! Even the instructor pointed it out. I wanted and needed more. I don't know why but I was hesitant to jump back in again to what I consider more hardcore. But I'm going today. Yoga has become both physical but also emotionally challenging. For some reason, hitting this class today is important. I need to do this. I cannot QUIT yoga - I don't want to know how to do that.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Shaving while driving???

Woman causes crash shaving bikini area while driving - WBBH News for Fort Myers, Cape Coral & Naples, Florida

That is a real story. Scary.

Oprah is on a mission to stop texting while driving. I could only make it half way through the show on that topic. It was so painful to see persons who lost family members in an accident caused by someone who was on their phone. A needless loss of life for what??? To text? It was a wake up call that continues to ring for me. What message couldn't wait in lieu of someone's life?? From the show, I was reminded what an automobile weighs and that when you get behind the wheel, you are steering several thousands pounds in motion. Another fact I learned somewhere is texting while driving is more dangerous than driving while intoxicated.

I'm ashamed to write this but I haven't stopped cold turkey with the phone. I never texted, (that's just crazy!) but now I make sure to have my phone set up hands free and dial the number before the car is moving. But there is still hanging up, or answering a call which I do while I fumble to put my handsfree wired earset in. And so I acknowledge in essence it is just as crazy to talk handsfree being careful as it is to text. I am one of those people who thought, oh I'm careful, I can do it.

So the issue is still gnawing at me. And Oprah is still talking about it and having persons who come on her show sign a pledge. (I smurk slightly because I think how often do these celebrities drive themselves?!) Yet, one of the gnawing factors influencing me is that my children are watching me while I check FB at the light. Children pay attention to EVERYTHING that their parents do. AND THEY WILL BE DRIVING in years to come. Not only do I have to worry about their driving skills but the other non-thinking children of God out there who are doing something stupid while driving. That continues to make me think. I have to pay complete attention to the others who are not paying attention.

Now I can let Riley make or answer the call if family members are on the line. The last couple of weeks the kids started playing games on my IPhone which drains the battery but...maybe saves a life. I find myself compulsively wanting to check at the stoplight to see what's on FB or if there is an email but it is slowly sinking in that it can wait. Just writing this blog makes me want to sign the pledge which I am going to do.

Monday, March 1, 2010


We have had several milestones in the last few weeks. They happen very subtlety and I'm trying to pay attention and mark their arrival or departure. My girls are growing up and I am too!!
~We are done with pull ups at night. Wow! Seven plus years of high tech absorbing technology and we are done...
~Riley has tennis shoes that are lace up, her first pair.
~Mallory is now wearing bows in her adorably short curly hair. Her hair isn't growing long, it curls up. For four years, nary a bow has lighted her head. She wants long hair like her big sister and once she said she wasn't potty training until it was long like Riley's. George joked that we would cut Riley's off and Riley nearly flipped out.
~The girls now have separate bedrooms, again. We have picked out wall colors, new bedding, window covering, bath stuff. Riley is already kicking Mallory out of "her bedroom." And thus Mallory wanted a sign made to keep Riley out of her room as well.
~The neighbor called for baby stuff for a dress up day at school, and we didn't have anything to give: no bibs, sippy cups, or bottles, nothing. We have slowly evolved. We can run and jump in the car and go, and it is so freeing. I have even gotten to the point of telling Mallory that she has to hold it, when she says she "has to go" when we are in the car. When children say they are hungry or have to go potty, a mom just springs into hyper mode to get that child what is needed. I think she can hold it longer now. A new place to be in!!! : )
~the fog related to parenting children under the age of 5 is lifting. It IS getting easier as they put on their own clothes and go to the bathroom on their own. (and then will come peer pressure, driving, dating, etc. so I am loving this little safe bubble going on.)
~I'm not stressing out about school vacations or summer vacations and what am I going to do with them. They are becoming more independent and I am relaxing more and more. It is actually fun to have extra time with them and no strict schedule (carpool at 2 different schools.)
~I have let go of drinking CC's mochasippis. I drank one nearly every day for a years or two. Towards the end of my run with them, I had always looked forward to it as my special treat and then I would get it and it didn't do the trick anymore. It became just too sickeningly sweet. I have moved towards green pomegranate teas and I satisfied by that and it is surprising to me. And I have learned to treat myself in other ways, without food. It is a gradual process.
These are our milestones for early 2010...

It's all Coming Back to Me Now!

My good friend loves Celene and we wanted to escape to the movies this past weekend. She had talked about wanting to see the limited run Celene Dion movie. It wasn't on my short list but then our only other option was "Valentines Day" and after reading the horrible reviews...I thought, let's see Celene. I use to listen to her music. My friend said go put her music on. So after pulling out the 6!! CD's of hers that I owned, the first song that I played was "It's All Coming Back to Me Know" So freaking ironic! It did all come back to me. I picture my unmarried self sitting on the floor in my tiny one bedroom apartment with "The Colour of My Love" blaring and singing my heart out. She spoke to me. My broken heart was comforted by her beautiful lyrics and voice. She sings so purely, and it appears to be from her heart. The movie of her year long world tour was a reminder of all of this. I have been playing her music non-stop since then in the car. Right now, Mallory's request is, "It's all coming back to me now."

I realize that some may feel there is a little bit of cheesiness to Ms. Dion, but I'm accepting that I must like cheesiness if that means pure. And I'm all about acceptance right now!!! So now, how about a little wine with that cheese?
It has always impressed me how she sincerely expresses the love for her husband and her child AND I believe her. You can't believe everyone who has the spotlight on them. And now, Celene and Rene, my friends,(LOL) are trying to have another child, and I always identify with someone who struggles with infertility and hope they are able to have another baby.
I saw Celene in concert as the opening act for Michael Bolton, twice. Yes, Michael Bolton and yes, twice. I cheered when Michael finally cut that hair off after it's prime as well as the fact that they finally cut Celene's son's hair - he's like 7 now. George and I did see Celene when we were in Vegas on a lark and the show was fantastic
Lastly, how can you forget the theme from Titanic? It was a fabulous movie but I'm not good at sitting for that long. After three hours in the theatre and ready for the boat to sink because well, you know it has to, here comes this beautfiul haunting song.