I love this line from "Brokeback Mountain." It's part of a much larger scene but I found this very small clip for you. These two men love each other but can't live openly with each other.
This is the way I feel about food. I am trying to live openly with food. he he he. Funny, but oh so serious for me as of late. I am making progess in this journey with food. I and my therapist feel I have turned a corner in that I am beginning to speak up for myself with persons that I was unable to in the past. And it felt SO GREAT! I am learning who I am, and not who people have wanted me to be, or perhaps who I thought they wanted me to be. It's an arduous, painful journey and it keeps going and going and I am trudging along but I do feel that corner has been turned. So I have a love/hate relationship with food. I wish I knew how to quit it, but I still have to eat it in moderation, and stop when I'm full. No emotional nurturance with food, just enough to provide my body with nutrition and energy. So much easier said than done.
One of the facts that I learned about persons with eating disorders is that they think about food 90% of the day and it the stats go down from there. Persons who have normal relationship to food think about it, 20% of the day, just enough to figure out what to cook for the three meals. Wow! I don't know where I was on the continum but I do know that the amount of time has lessened. Think of the time that has opened up to think about other things, work on projects, live life!!
On another front, I had not been going regularly to yoga for about three weeks and I have started back up again. I went to 2 beginner classes in a row, to get myself going again. The second one I went to I realized, IT WASN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH!!! Woo Hoo! Even the instructor pointed it out. I wanted and needed more. I don't know why but I was hesitant to jump back in again to what I consider more hardcore. But I'm going today. Yoga has become both physical but also emotionally challenging. For some reason, hitting this class today is important. I need to do this. I cannot QUIT yoga - I don't want to know how to do that.