Taking A Break From Therapy But Not Healing

 A Quote from Jeff Brown

“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”

This really resonates at this point in time.  I am taking a break from therapy.  I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years.  I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist.  I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts.  It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work.  I could be affected for a day or longer.  I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.  

It's not an easy path.

 

It's slow growth.

But I am thrilled that I am still on it.  Every small awareness leads to others down the road. 

The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."  

This is that practice.

Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now.  I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance.  That is a key to my journey now.  Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me. 

"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."

I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life.  The thoughts in my head are so cruel.  I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me.  The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.

Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years.  This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety.  The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice.  Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.  

One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice.  Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga.  I found Nidra Yoga.  And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative.  For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not. 

Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward.  This is reparenting myself:  listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside. 

Namaste. 

Finding My Edge

There comes a point in time, when I have to shut the activities of life down.  One week day morning not long ago, I had several activities on my schedule.  And yet I couldn't stop crying.  I was overwhelmed.  The previous week, there had been emotionally laden issues for me going on in my house with more than one member.  And we had a packed, busy weekend that did not stop.  And I went and I did and then did more because it was a special celebration weekend for my youngest.

And then I couldn't stop crying.  And that still scares me to feel fully that energy of pain that comes my way.

And yet I knew what the solutions were to the issues that were going on in the house.  It would take work, but was nothing that could not be surmounted. But yet I cried and couldn't stop.  And after really hard crying, mental, emotional and physical fatigue sets in.

And it hit me once again,  I cannot go and go and go.  I see other people who do and I think that I should match up to them.  And then I shame myself.  And I don't really know what their story is and it doesn't matter.  I have to BE ME.

I know this about myself.  I am an introvert.  I am an introspective person.  I like to think and write.  And I have to sit still and be quiet for what I am most passionate about to come to me.  My passion lies in stillness.

After the first wave of tears, it took me two hours to realize that I needed to cancel what was on my agenda that day.  Why did it take me that long?  (Beat myself up a little)  This is a busy semester for my Middle School girls:  after school activities, other extracurricular activities, school, and life.  Trying not only to keep up but plan ahead.   George's schedule is also busy most of the time.  I myself signed up for too many studies this semester, but all of them are good for my soul in different ways with different groups of people, so I will do them as I can.  I have to not show up sometimes. I have to take them day by day.  I think badly of myself for not showing up when I said I would.

My yoga teacher talks about the edge in our practice.  It's where you are in a pose and are stretching limbs to the point of tension.  And you have to find that sweet spot, where it's tight and you are feeling the stretch but not too painful.  You are not putting too much pain on your body.

I'm finding that edge in life as I truly find who my authentic Godly self is.  It's a daily practice, to find that sweet spot, but to release a little when it's too painful.  And know that it's okay to release and not to stay in pain when it's really not necessary at all.   No one else but me, knows my sweet spot and I have to stand up for myself.

Putting the Air Mask on First

During Christmas break, I tend to lose my marbles when the kids are home 24/7.  It's just the way it goes.  And every year, I forgot that this will occur, and finally after 13 years as a mom, I'm starting to catch on.    I get cranky, short-tempered and yearn for any adult conversation at Easter, Mardi Gras, Thanksgiving and Summer Vacation.  During this past Christmas break,  putting the air mask on first, what airlines tell you to do in preflight demonstration before you put the mask on your child, resonated with me big time.

It really sunk in.

It is one thing to have intellectual knowledge of a notion or idea it is another to put it in practice. (And for it to go well.)
I have read and talked about many parenting ideas that I know are right from an intellectual standpoint
yet putting ideas that I recognize to be good in practice requires much discomfort.

I saw an incremental change during the last school break. On the spur of the moment, I decided to go to yoga and leave the ten year old with the thirteen year old (and the ferocious guard dog and the alarm system on!)  The ten year old DOES NOT LIKE staying at home with the thirteen year old.   The thirteen year old who herself has Red Cross certification and one babysitting experience under her belt, DOES NOT WANT a sitter anymore. So what's standing in my way, is the beloved heart and nerves of a ten year old.  (On this particular occasion, my husband was able to leave later for work, and off I ran.)

But this time, I was going for it, no matter what.  Even though it made my ten year old uncomfortable, I wanted and needed to go.  In the past, I would have hedged back and forth, the child would have seen that I was hesitant and they would have gone for the jugular for me to do what they wanted.

The practice of yoga, feeds my soul and works out my body.   I feel refreshed, renewed, and mindful afterwards.  It is exactly what I needed to take on the rest of the day and school break.  And it hit me that this is what it means to put the air mask on first, because then you are better able to handle what comes your way.   This was actually practicing that idea with one caveat.

I would do things before that were FOR ME but I would feel GUILTY over it and WORRY the entire time.  This was one time, I walked away and left my worries at home and focused on myself for an entire hour.

It was almost better than an orgasm.

And it lasted longer.

I came home from yoga, went straight to Mallory and said, "I know you didn't want me to go and I appreciate your cooperation, I really love to practice yoga and it makes me feel really good" (...Laying the foundation for future yoga sessions)

And the kicker is this act of putting the air bag on first is teaching my children to take care of themselves.  Losing my mind and being short tempered, is not how I want to love my children or myself.

Taking care of me, helps me take care of them AND most importantly they learn from watching what I do.  Not what I say.  What I do.

My First Aerobics Class Since 2008

I stepped out of my comfort zone this afternoon.  And I say Hallelujah every time I do this in large and small ways.  I attended a zumba type dance class.  I have not attended any type of "fitness" class other than yoga in many years.  I can tell you exactly when I walked away.  The scene is perfectly etched in my mind.  I see it.

It was 2008 and it was a horrible Muscle Works Class at a local gym.  I wrote about it on June 13, 2009 entitled "Nightmare in Muscle Works"  The instructor was a meanie.  I just reread what happened and I forgot some of the interaction that went on between she and I.  I don't do well with meanies.  Life is too short to deal with people that are negative and condescending.  It was such a defining moment that I walked away from ever attending another class like that for nearly 8 years.

At that time, I did decide yoga was my pathway for class settings but even that was in a very tepid, careful way.   And I LOVE YOGA and what it does for me.    I have had a love/hate relationship with "exercise" for a long time and I'm coming out of it.  That class or rather, that teacher made me feel inferior and discouraged about exercise classes, and I let her.  But yoga helped me work through it.

I realized tonight that I let that one person affect me dramatically.  There were plenty of other classes and teachers and gyms.  Yet, that is okay.  This was supposed to be my journey.

Found a picture on FB! That is me all the way to the left.

So this afternoon, I went to a Refit dance class taught by a teacher and another parent from my children's school.  I have been watching another Facebook friend post about the Refit classes she teaches for a couple of years now.  I was probably invited to attend one but it never entered my mind, that I could DO the class.  It looked somewhat appealing but in my head, I said, I can't.

That is so sad.

But I feel differently today.  I needed to walk away all those years ago.  I needed to practice yoga and develop a healthier relationship with exercise.  I am learning to listen to my body and know that it likes to move.  Not every single day but movement has become joyful moreso than "I HAVE to do this."  My body is a temple and I want to take care of it and that is sinking in more and more.  When I was resistant to going even to yoga, which I have been doing for fourteen years, my friend says she looks upon it as a massage.  I had never thought of it that way.  That is sinking in too.

Now, I WILL be sore for the next few days.  I can already feel some muscles feel like jello.  But it is great to move unused muscles and there is ibuprofen after all.

So, I plan to make another class soon and keep trying. It will take some time to learn the moves but it was fun.  It was a wonderful way to move my body with music and other women and no meanies.

Namaste.

Yoga Class, My Dad and Intuition

I went to yoga yesterday which is always, always a good decision.  There was no background music during the class as the teacher's phone wasn't working.  There was just silence and the soothing voice of Carmen, the instructor.  The class was not as physically intense giving more time to let the mind and thoughts go...

Going through the motions and poses of class, I was aware that there was an older man next to me, During one particular exercise, we were laying on our backs and had to stretch out our arms and I had to look to make sure I would not hit him.  I also noticed he wasn't paying any attention to this.   Our hands were within an inch and a half of each other.  I had to hold my fingers up to avoid touching.

When I glanced at his hand, I saw his gold wedding band.  All of a sudden, the image of my dad's hands popped up in my head.  Emotion flooded me in an instant.  My dad's hands were thicker than mine and tanned from all of his time and work outside.  And I wished that I could look at them one more time.

Grief just seems to pop out of nowhere.

We were so close, yet able to finish that yoga sequence to completion without ever touching.  

I continue to be amazed at what emotion comes up in yoga and how it comes up so quickly and without any warning.  I am reminded that we store feelings in the body (and heart)  and that when we are quiet, or writing, or practicing yoga, "stuff" comes up.  And is it fun to feel this stuff??  Nooooo. (But it is healing and necessary to be whole hearted)

I don't want to go through the motions of life anymore, I want to have an open heart even if it is uncomfortable.  I'm learning to be curious and kind to all feelings that come up.  It is becoming crystal clear that mindfulness is the only way though compulsions.  And when one blocks or numbs feeling, you don't just block the so called "negative" emotions, you block joy and excitement and happiness too.

That afternoon, I head to Riley's softball game, I look up and there was Dad's cardiologist and my chest felt heavy again.  Really, today?!  This is not a coincidence.  (Holy Spirit!) We attend the same church but I don't see him very often but when I do,  I immediately think of dad.  I don't know him very well, essentially just through my parents and they really liked, admired and trusted him.  I felt called to go and speak to him.  We chatted for a while. He said what a nice man my dad was and when he took on Dad's case and looked through his thick chart and poor heart condition, how impressive it was that he lived as long as he did on peritoneal dialysis.  In essence, Dad stands as the poster child for living as long as he did under his complicated health conditions.

The most meaningful thing was that I was compelled to tell this doctor about the yoga class and the feelings about my dad that came up.  I took a risk yet he totally understood what had occurred as he himself had practiced yoga years back.  He knew what I was talking about.

I don't know why I decided to tell him what had been transpiring that day but I did.  I have learned my lesson so many times and experienced the blank stares from people who have not earned the right to hear my story and yet I tried to tell them anyway... I'm learning not to do that.

But today was meant to be. It worked out.  I listen to my intuition and I shared and was understood and comforted. It was a very precious moment.

(Listening to intuition is such a skillful practice and a God thing. This was a higher power moment. )

And the tears are still falling and the chest still gets heavy at times.  And it's not a bad thing.  It's a healing thing.  Who knew my dad would visit me in yoga?  I would never have put that together at all.  {smile}  After all, he had a good sense of humor.

Namaste.

I Love Yoga, I Resist Yoga, I Love Yoga, I Resist Yoga

Big aha today.

I attend yoga classes, but I usually don't decide to go until thirty minutes or an hour before the class starts.  I procrastinate, big time.  Yet EVERY time I go, I am filled with utter thankfulness that I practiced once again.  I feel strong, centered, calm, clear headed and if it's the advanced class, my body feels like jello, in a good way.  And every time I go, I think why don't I do this every day.

I thought the reason I resisted was because I look at yoga as exercise and that's a dirty word.  I have spent the last years letting go of the diet mentality and diet is a dirty word. Diets don't work and my goal is to learn to listen to my body, and what it is telling me it needs as fuel.  (And healing my soul along the way!) And my body will tell me what it needs.   My therapist said that when you let go of dieting, exercise can go through an overhaul in the thought department too.  I now refer to exercise as movement, because it is more user friendly for me.  And I hear my body calling me to move quite often.

So here's the aha.  While discussing the topic, my good friend asked why do I not see yoga as something good for my body?  She thinks of it like massage.  And I thought, "Well maybe I need to reframe that."  I'm all for reframing my thoughts. Yet, I kept talking trying to explain myself to her.  And as I kept talking, it finally dawned on me why I resist yoga.

Yoga is like therapy.

And therapy is not easy.  It's requires bravery, vulnerability, and experiencing the pain of events that occurred long ago that come up, and yet in the end, even though you're limping, you are so grateful you showed up for it.

The limp does go away.

I go to the yoga mat, and it's quiet. There's nothing in the way.  It's just you, the instructor and your body and your thoughts via your higher power. (And a roomful of people that you learn to ignore because this isn't a competition.)  Your body carries residual emotions from times gone by.  These are things that you unconsciously shoved down because they were too much to experience at the time.   Dr. Christiane Northrup told Oprah in an interview that:  "shame produces small amounts of an inflammatory chemical called IL6 that lodges in your body and lives in the fascia - the connective tissue. The fascia holds our belief system into place so when you do yoga or massage (something with resistance flexibility) you are releasing that (inflammation) - you are getting new life in the connective tissues."

And isn't inflammation the building block of diseases?

Dr. Northrup goes further: "That is why we have to use our bodies and be with our bodies. Goddesses grieve and rage and move on….You have to feel to heal."

(And yes, Dr. Northrup's new book is "Goddesses Never Age."  Haven't read it but just this snippet is enough to enlighten me for now).

The first time I felt the need to cry in yoga, I had no idea what was going on. This was exercise, you don't cry in exercise?  I wrote about this topic on December 8, 2009, "A Few Tears on the Yoga Mat."  In reading that blog from nearly six years ago I understood this notion of toxicity in our bodies and working it out AND that therapy and yoga were very similar.  Evidently, I needed to revisit this on a deeper level now that I've practice more yoga and more therapy!

I need to reframe yoga.  I have to move away from calling it exercise, although my body benefits.   It is using the body and baring one's self and being quiet and letting all that is lodged and stuck come up.  I need to let myself know, there is no shame in having tears on the yoga mat.  It is in fact the toxic shame coming up which I very much want to release.

(And thankfully it's dark at the end for shavasana anyway, which is when the tears tend to roll.) Not going to worry about what other people think.  This practice is for me.

I'm  so glad that this aha came around to me again.  We will revisit this again in 2021!

Namaste.

Namaste~The Flow of Divine Love

I have been writing namaste at the end of some of my blogs.  I'm not sure why, it just flows out of me as I write.  And then today, on Facebook I posted a hard truth that I have learned again and again.  This truth is that you can learn the most about yourself from those that push your buttons if you allow the lesson (and the consciousness evolvement)   I ended the post with the word Namaste.

So I stopped to think what does this word mean?  I have looked it up a few times before.  While practicing yoga, it is usually said at the end of class.  The teacher bows to us and we can bow to her.  And I remember the gist of it being the best of me meets the best of you.  It is a peaceful loving gesture.

So I look it up once again and I'm struck by how a very studied person named Aadil Palkhivala, answered.  Simply beautiful.

"The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. Nama means bow, as means I, and te means you. Therefore,namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."

To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka, close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then bringing the hands down to the heart. This is an especially deep form of respect....

...We bring the hands together at the heart chakra to increase the flow of Divine love. Bowing the head and closing the eyes helps the mind surrender to the Divine in the heart. One can do Namaste to oneself as a meditation technique to go deeper inside the heart chakra; when done with someone else, it is also a beautiful, albeit quick, meditation.

This is the part I like the best: 

For a teacher and student, Namaste allows two individuals to come together energetically to a place of connection and timelessness, free from the bonds of ego-connection. If it is done with deep feeling in the heart and with the mind surrendered, a deep union of spirits can blossom.

This is so beautiful.  Yoga has been a wonderful journey for me.  Moving out of ego-connection!  There is no lost irony on me that I keep choosing this word that means "coming to a place of connection" and meeting the "divine spark within us."
The few of you who read my blog - I know I connect with. And I have been so humbled and excited when someone tells me they read it and connect with the material.   I write for my own catharsis and my journey.  I'm not ready to open it up to the general public to receive criticism.  Writing is therapy for me!!  I heard an author (Dani Shapiro) describe that she was able to understand her life by writing it.  I get that.  Also when I don't make time to write, I feel discombobulated.  I feel connected to God when I write.

Namaste.

Beach, Body Image, Bathing Suits, Yoga, Mirrors and More

“The unhappiest people in this world, are those who care the most about what other people think.” ― C Joybell C

Right between the eyes.

I was blessed to go to yoga while we were at the beach.  I make it to a yoga class about once, maybe twice a month.  I hope to go more often when school starts again.  This room that yoga was practiced in had mirrors on the wall.  This is good and not so good.  It helps to look at alignment but then I also catch glimpses of my body that startle me and can send me on a body image nosedive.

I caught a glimpse of my extra fleshiness and it threw me into a tailspin.  I think at first I want to deny these feelings of sadness and intellectualize them out and avoid the pain - also called "mentally meddling" and inhibits the feelings from flowing through.  Perhaps because it was vacation, I kept eating beyond feeling full.  The food called to me and I couldn't stop.  Which had the affect of helping the nosedive to go even further down.

Being at the beach, I was thinking about my body size a little bit more. Strapping on a swim suit doesn't bother me as much as it did in the past but what I do find myself doing is looking at other people and think, "How do they do it?  How do they stay slim?"

And that is not the right question, because....

Looking and thinking about other people's bodies is not going to transform my world experience!

I love that saying.  My true journey in life is to transform my world experience from fear to love.  This is what makes me so excited.  I feel the presence of God when I follow this passion of wholeness.

After I have let the sadness of my imperfect body pass, I am once again able to see that weight does not equal self worth. I can live a full life in an imperfect body.  It may take a day or two but the feelings pass and I can get on with living.

And the above C Joybell C quote came along right after my experience at the beach.

Right between the eyes.

~Namaste~

What To Do About Yoga and My Squishy Parts

I went to yoga this morning.  Fabulous.

Two ideas popped in my head while I was posing.  One was that there are certain poses or moves I have told myself over the years that I can't do.  And today, out of haste, I did one of those moves.  I have always used my knees to lower from plank to the floor.  And today, I powered through lowering my body without using my knees.

Repeatedly.

And once again, I thought how powerful one's thoughts are.

Several times over the years, I have tried a new move that I thought I couldn't possibly do and I did it for a few seconds or even longer, and was completely shocked over this discovery.

Thoughts are so powerful.  And the stories we tell ourselves over and over, we believe.

And the second idea, revolved around viewing my extra girth in the mirror.  It bothered me so much when I did yoga at the beach last week.   I knew I needed to think differently this time and not focus on the negative.  And then the words of my favorite teacher Carmen sprang to me.   She has suggested so many times as we are pushing ourselves into a stretch,  to send love to that body part that is being stretched.  So when negativity popped in my head, I said let me send love to my squishy parts.  And I did.  And each time I did so, it made my smile.  It was simple but effective.  I felt so much more powerful after the hour that I want to continue this practice of both sending love to my squishy parts and more yoga!

I know this healing journey is going to have to involve loving all of me and especially the squishy parts for me to move forward and feel whole.

Love what is, instead of fearing my lack of perfection.

Namaste~

Panic in the Yoga Room

(I am making up for lost time on Blogger.  I have missed writing a couple of weeks and it is so nice to know that the lessons are still with me and notes on my iPhone to help remember though.  I am trying to hit 70 blogs or more to match with the previous years.  If I continue to stay conscious, I think I am going to do it...)

Today was BIG for me and it is only 10am.

* I tried a new yoga class at a different Y. I didn't know anything about the teacher.

*I wore form fitting clothing out of necessity after having my shirt fall in my face during certain poses.

*I didn't put my mat at the back of the class.

*I practiced looking at myself in the mirror even with my squishy parts and remembered that my body is allowing me to move through these poses as I mentioned in the "Yoga in the Mirror" post.

At the end of the class during my FAVORITE part, shavasana,  I realized in a panic that the instructor had turned all the lights off and it was pitch black in the room.  There was a massive rain storm coming through during the class.  I had to struggle to hear the instructor through the class even though I was closest to him because the rain was so loud.  My thoughts began to be distressed. I wanted to bolt.  I don't like the dark.  I could feel my anxiety reaction, the one that occurs in my arms physically manifesting my fear.

And then I remembered what my therapist and I had discussed about anxiety last week.

Anxiety = not being in the present moment. 

This was so illuminating for me.  I think I have had such low grade anxiety for years because of all the time I spent worrying about what I could, couldn't do, obsessing over so much.
As I layed there in the most relaxing time of yoga, panicked, I focused on my thoughts.  I kept my eyes open and spotted the red exit sign and some small red lights of the stereo.  I did this until I relaxed a bit and I kept thinking things to keep me in the present...  I don't even really remember what it was but it worked.

I didn't relax to the extent that I normally do but I also didn't bolt.  (See I'm judging myself)  In the midst of my panic, I did think this is practice for my upcoming plane flights and elevator rides in NYC!  Those upcoming events  that could bring out my claustrophobia are what prompted me to bring it up with my therapist in the first place.

I never had put together that anxiety could flow through just like the other emotions that I have practiced allowing through.  This claustrophobic anxiety feels so physical and different from avoiding sadness or anger because the very specific triggers seem different.  I did not put it in the same category.  I do think that sometimes I will need the assistance of medication, for flights or somewhere else that my claustrophobia is too much and that is O-Kay.  It is nurturing myself through a situation beyond my control.  I don't have to white knuckle it and be miserable AND I don't want to keep myself from flying to new adventures.

Namaste.

Namaste with Cat Barging In the self portrait....

Yoga in the Mirror

I think I have taken yoga out of the "diet mentality" zone.

A few months ago in therapy, we talked about exercise and how sometimes at the same time as breaking free from the diet mentality, people will give up exercise.  For me it had been placed in the "supposed to" category.  Not good.  When you take diet mentality to the extreme I did and it becomes a way of life to restrict, fail, binge, and mentally deride yourself into shame over and over again, it makes sense.  I struggled with exercise in the same way as food.  In the same way that I knew I should be dieting, I knew I should be exercising because it's good for you.     Yet the instruction from my therapist was to move in actions and ways that feel good.  The directive was to find joy in movement.

I have been feeling a little more called to the mat lately.  I have been going to yoga because my body was calling me too!   I started by just getting on the floor at home and holding positions.  I worked up to a 15 minute DVD at home on occasion but this is the ugly process, I would deride myself and think,  "It's just 15 minutes, that's nothing, you should be doing more."

It takes a long time to stop that voice.  

When I do go to yoga, there are mirrors at the Y in the exercise room.  (I think yoga classes should not have mirrors but this is gym and not a yoga studio. )  As I have been contorted in positions instead of standing up straight, I see flesh in my middle area that I would not rather see and was actually shocked by my appearance in the beginning.  I work very hard to find clothes that do not cling to my body.  I think I have some form of body dysmorphia because the image in the mirror does not match with what I feel or think in my head.  I have been looking at this mirror at this Y in this way for a couple of years.  On Friday, I looked in the mirror and felt disappointed.  I thought I really need to shake this up.  I closed my eyes and FELT MY BODY.  I thought to myself, this exertion feels SO good. I feel the strength of my arms as it holds up my body.  As I confidently and smoothly flowed from pose to pose, I thought this feels good.  (Well, smoothly on most of the poses!) And then I opened my eyes again and thought this body with it's extra flesh IS DOING THIS.

This was just a moment but it was a beginning.  I need to consciously repeat this thought process.

I am beginning to understand how much work my body does for me but all I do is criticize it for it's appearance and compare it to others.

I think in that one moment of appreciation, I was practicing body self acceptance.  I hope to build on that.

All I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten...

We are on our last day at the beach!  It took me a few days to decompress when we got here.  I couldn't really enjoy the beauty or tranquility because I was on overload.  Before we left home, not only was I a guide for VBS with 400+ kids in attendance but our remodeling demolition started the same week.  There was children's energy and dust everywhere simultaneously.

Yes, these are first world problems.

Usually after a VBS morning, I take to the bed for some time to rest in the afternoon but that was not happening at all.  I ended up running errands every day and it was the kind of week where at the end of the day my legs (and mind) ached for stillness.  Each day random remodeling errands came up and needed to be taken care of especially since we were leaving town.

Yesterday, I was invited to a yoga class by a friend who has a condo at the place we are staying.  I really wanted to go as I have not been to a class in so long.  I practice at home using my 15 minute DVD.  I tell myself that a class is going to be too hard and I put up mental road blocks.  A while back I wrote about making it into something I was "supposed to" do because it is so good in so many ways for me which then killed it for me.  I no longer want to do anything that anybody tells me to do, even my own "shouldisms."

The night before yoga, I had gone to bed with a newly acquired cold and loaded up on Nyquil.  Also, my knees started bothering me about 2 months ago.  I started taking Condroitin/Glucosamine  several weeks ago to see if that helped and it did, until I played in the Gulf in the waves and uneven sand.  My right hand now gets achy in the middle if I use it without proper form.  I have to watch what I do with it, like not pick up 18x18 floor tiles pincher style.

Oh, and that first day of VBS,  I picked up Annie the dog to put her into her kennel for safety away from all of the male workers, and have had lower back pain ever since.  Our sweet beagle weighs 25 pounds.

So snot running down my face, achy back, achy knees and hand,  do I go to yoga?   As I pulled on the now necessary reader glasses to figure out the adult dosage for children's daytime cold medicine, it struck me that this is the marrow of life that I have to accept.  How I accept these aches and pains and snot, (or even worse things) are how the quality of my life will be.  Acceptance has become my new mantra.  It has become so clear to me that my thoughts shape my life.

I think of all of the years that I spent my time thinking I couldn't.  Yet I can.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything.  What we think we become" ~Buddha

He was one righteous dude.

I totally enjoyed the yoga class.  And at VBS as I walked around with four classes of Kindergarteners all week, I was reminded once again that everything we need to know in life we learn in kindergarten.

I got chills listening to this song.  And I loved that the sign for free is one from yoga.  I had a good time learning all the movements too!  Mallory has the short curly blond hair  and denim blue shirt and looks slightly disinterested.  Riley is in red shirt with blond hair swept back in a pony tail.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We are the stories we tell ourselves.

 I plug along and listen to so much great input from many sources and then bam, I hear something like I never heard it before.  And then I get IT.

Iyanla Van Zant was discussing the stories we tell ourselves on one of Oprah's Lifeclass Tours and it hit me lot a ton of bricks.  When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and this is the kicker, it isn't necessarily true.  All of a sudden it occurred to me that it applies to a simple issue involving how I think about practicing yoga.  I think practicing yoga is "supposed" to look a certain way and if it doesn't look that way, it isn't doing yoga.  And then I just give up because I haven't done it in so long, and I lost my muscles, etc.

I tell myself, I don't go to yoga class enough.  Yet in reality, I can practice at home.  I've done enough classes over the years that even if I go through some poses for ten minutes, I HAVE practiced yoga. That is not what I tell myself.  My messed up thinking is that I might as well not do anything.  I asked a friend of mine if she had ever done yoga.  She says that she does a tape at home.  Ironically, I didn't question that she really practiced yoga. Why do I question myself?  It's the old track going in my brain that what I do isn't enough.

It really is high time I break that track.

I have felt the need to get on the floor lately and I did.  Yoga was calling me and  I did a few minutes of poses.

The next day I practiced using a 15 minute session on DVD.

I AM practicing yoga.  I just have to keep telling myself that in a kind way over and over until I rewrite that track.

Learning to Golightly, One Emotional Mess at a Time

This morning I had the most uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to escape myself.

I really wanted to escape myself.

I wanted to run and hide from the agitation, the frustration, the anger, and the despair. I have been through this before and I will go through it again. I have learned that the feelings will move through eventually. Each time it happens to this magnitude, my sense is that it will never end. It feels like it will NEVER end. These are the types of feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel but ate through mindlessly on a daily basis. I pushed them down and used food to numb the pain, the anxiety, the angst and even unbelievably excitement. I did not know how to feel despair nor joy, the two ends of the emotional spectrum.

The problem with stuffing myself (or any compulsive activity that we humans engage in to avoid feeling) is those feelings stay buried and fester. As I journey to go lightly, to be more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy, I have embarked on having these feelings rise up and out. Therapy has dug up really old deep hurts and released them to a more tolerable level. Yoga has released them. I've learned when I laid on the massage table this week and felt tears come to my eyes, massage is a releaser. Normally, I would ask the professional, "Does this usually happen?" But, I didn't have to ask. I did not need verification, I've been on this journey a while and I am starting to be very familiar with myself. {smile}

Another difference today, dear reader, is that I can write this blog and not feel compulsed to explain why I was a mess this morning. I just was. The feelings just were. My feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. I am truly beginning to understand this truth expressed by my therapist so long ago when I had no clue as to what she was talking about. Being right or wrong was very imperative back then.

Now I understand it more fully, one aha moment at a time.

I am fine just as I am, and actually quite wonderful. I don't have to justify my actions, my thoughts, my views, my weight, my religion to anyone. I can be who I am, just as I am, just as my creator made me. Wow!

That is so incredibly freeing.

The first time I wrote this I had tears in my eyes and now I have a positive affirmation. Hot mess to positive affirmation all in a day's time, that is going lightly.

We are at the BEACH!!!

We are at the beach in Florida. We changed our summer vacation destinations about 3 times. Long before the dreadful oil spill that has destroyed a way of life in the Gulf, we had been excitedly planning our trip to the beach. Last summer, we were unable to go. The girls are getting older and I think I could actually sit and watch them swim and play and possibly make it through a magazine. I have bought two books with high hopes. That is probably reaching.

We live a handful of hours away from beautiful white sandy beaches, or what were beautiful white sandy beaches. I couldn't make up my mind about where to go. Our first plan was to hit Orange Beach until we learned there was definitely oil. I had a hard time spending the money we would spend and not be able to get in the water. So we considered Moody Gardens in Galveston (man made beach), and San Antonio Hill Country (no beach, Lazy River, family friendly) and then we worked our way back to Florida. All along that is what I really wanted to do, and had been looking forward to for more than a year. I had to let go and if there was oil, there would be oil, and we would go to the pool or find other things to do.

So far, so good. I can see there are some things I'm very controlling over, and I'm learning to release. The beach is very relaxing, sort of. The kids still need heavy supervision. It takes a few days for the family to get in a groove with "being on vacation." George and I have to work out how to share parenting, chill time, activities, etc.

This morning, I went to yoga for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was AWESOME! Rosemary Beach where we are, is a 5-7 minute walk to anywhere you want to go - beach, pool, town center with restaurants, shops, etc. I rode my bike to yoga. Then headed to the beach to be with the family. It was a fantastic way to have balance. I felt like a new person. Prior to the last year or so - I would have never A) found my way to yoga or B) separated from the family. And that is exactly what I was needing to do. Recharge to tackle the ever present needs of children and husband.

Whoa.

Last week I went to a beginner yoga class because it fit in the schedule and the teacher complimented me on my alligator pose - one I had never done before. I was quite thrilled. I went again today to a more advanced class that I hadn't been to in a few weeks. As the instructor started, she was warming us up and said feel your bodies, feel what is going on, feel your pain. Then she said, "Embrace your pain!" Whoa. Whoa. It struck me. Instead of fighting the pain, embrace it. She said it is your own pain.

Hmmmm. I remember in the past when I had my back go out or had gotten really sick, like food poisoniing kind of sick, I would fill with fear. Complete angst. How am I going to take care of these kids? That didn't help to move me past the pain, probably intensified it and prolonged it.

And right now, I have a crick in my neck and a little lower back pain. So I'm taking care of myself. I have a routine NOW. Use hot/cold packs, take ibuprofen, take hot baths with epsom salts and stretch. Nurture myself, and accept the pain. I'm really learning to nurture myself and I have needed to for a long time.

The Wild Thing

I did go to yoga today as my last entry alluded to. There was something that was causing me to hold back and not want to go. I knew I NEEDED to go. As I've written before, yoga is not just exercise for me, but pushing myself out of my physical AND emotional comfort zone. In this class two surprising things happened. Early in the class, I was in a pose on my stomach laying on the floor, arching my back up then resting and then going up a little higher each time, my face suddenly came into the sunlight. It felt totally poetic. I was in the light!! It felt meant to be. And the whole window was blocked with a wall of large exercise balls in rows so it was not that easy to come across this ray of light that I was bathed in. I took note.

Secondly, there is a pose called the Wild Thing. I just love the name. I have watched while others have done it but I DIDN'T try. I think that is how my personality has come out with the practice of yoga. I didn't even TRY things that I might like. Wild thing starts with downward dog (pictured above) - and then you kick your leg up, allow it to bend at the knee and then you stretch and then blindly allow yourself to fall over into a one armed back bend. And I DID IT!!!
AND, when I was looking this up to put the right terms and photos, there was a note that said this is an advanced position, not for beginners. Woo Hoo. An advanced position!!

I Wish I Knew How to Quit You

I love this line from "Brokeback Mountain." It's part of a much larger scene but I found this very small clip for you. These two men love each other but can't live openly with each other.



This is the way I feel about food. I am trying to live openly with food. he he he. Funny, but oh so serious for me as of late. I am making progess in this journey with food. I and my therapist feel I have turned a corner in that I am beginning to speak up for myself with persons that I was unable to in the past. And it felt SO GREAT! I am learning who I am, and not who people have wanted me to be, or perhaps who I thought they wanted me to be. It's an arduous, painful journey and it keeps going and going and I am trudging along but I do feel that corner has been turned. So I have a love/hate relationship with food. I wish I knew how to quit it, but I still have to eat it in moderation, and stop when I'm full. No emotional nurturance with food, just enough to provide my body with nutrition and energy. So much easier said than done.

One of the facts that I learned about persons with eating disorders is that they think about food 90% of the day and it the stats go down from there. Persons who have normal relationship to food think about it, 20% of the day, just enough to figure out what to cook for the three meals. Wow! I don't know where I was on the continum but I do know that the amount of time has lessened. Think of the time that has opened up to think about other things, work on projects, live life!!

On another front, I had not been going regularly to yoga for about three weeks and I have started back up again. I went to 2 beginner classes in a row, to get myself going again. The second one I went to I realized, IT WASN'T CHALLENGING ENOUGH!!! Woo Hoo! Even the instructor pointed it out. I wanted and needed more. I don't know why but I was hesitant to jump back in again to what I consider more hardcore. But I'm going today. Yoga has become both physical but also emotionally challenging. For some reason, hitting this class today is important. I need to do this. I cannot QUIT yoga - I don't want to know how to do that.

A few tears on the yoga mat

I have been practicing yoga in a class setting once a week, this is my goal. One day I would like to do more but for now, this is what I can manage. I keep learning more and more about myself through yoga (you would think I would know enough by now, right?). Lately, towards the end of the yoga session, I feel emotions well up in me and I feel the need to cry. Some might think this is a bad thing, for me it is a wonderful thing. Yoga releases "stuff" bottled up and in the twists, and turns, and positions and breathing, emotions are released, as well as toxins. The first time it happened, I was wondering what was going on and now I embrace it. I tend to forget it may happen and bam, there it is. My therapist says that therapy and yoga go hand in hand. I mentioned it to one of the yoga teachers and she said, oh yes, it happens.

For several years, I did not release my emotions. It goes back to the period of infertility that was followed by birth and then postpartum depression. I cried most nearly every day during the two years it took to get pregnant. Some days, I cried off and on all day when there was a bad result and there were a lot of bad results. For those who don't know, it was an awful period full of angst, uncertainty, turmoil, and all of this was then aided by hormone injections. I endured shot after shot, transvaginal ultrasound after transvaginal ultrasound, blood draws out the wazoo, fighting with insurance companies and doctors, waiting for test results, waiting a month or two until we could try again and lots and lots of crying. On top of that was doctor ordered sex (when sex was still on the table - we worked up to the "cup" in the second year). How romantic!? and not what you pictured in wanting to start a family. But we did finally achieve pregnancy, (after one miscarriage) and my beloved first child was born, who I love with my whole being. (And the second child too, who was a miracle in her own right as well, coming naturally!!) And then....I fall into a deep, dark, isolating hopeless depression that scared the bejesus out of me. I understand now, it actually started during the pregnancy, as I was so anxious and worried about EVERYTHING. Anxiety can be a huge part of postpartum depression.

I cried a lot during her first year of life, and especially those first months BUT I worked really, really, really hard not to show it to her (or others really, it is very, very shaming) I put on a smile and I sang to her but it was really, really, really hard. I see video and I'm smiling and saying her name over and over again but what I remember vividly is the overwhelming despair. After I recovered, I did NOT want to cry anymore, EVER. Perhaps this is when I learned to eat my way though emotional uncomfortableness and I'm still doing it. I have gained a grasp on it and it doesn't occur as much as it had been but it is a slow process. Habits are very hard to change. There are many uncomfortable emotions I need to release and let go of and yoga, therapy and writing this blog are all fantastic for me. Thank you for reading and thank you for the occasional comment. Especially you Jana! I know some of you read and don't comment as well. I appreciate your patronage! I'm wiping away the tears and moving on.

He he he....