Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A few tears on the yoga mat

I have been practicing yoga in a class setting once a week, this is my goal. One day I would like to do more but for now, this is what I can manage. I keep learning more and more about myself through yoga (you would think I would know enough by now, right?). Lately, towards the end of the yoga session, I feel emotions well up in me and I feel the need to cry. Some might think this is a bad thing, for me it is a wonderful thing. Yoga releases "stuff" bottled up and in the twists, and turns, and positions and breathing, emotions are released, as well as toxins. The first time it happened, I was wondering what was going on and now I embrace it. I tend to forget it may happen and bam, there it is. My therapist says that therapy and yoga go hand in hand. I mentioned it to one of the yoga teachers and she said, oh yes, it happens.

For several years, I did not release my emotions. It goes back to the period of infertility that was followed by birth and then postpartum depression. I cried most nearly every day during the two years it took to get pregnant. Some days, I cried off and on all day when there was a bad result and there were a lot of bad results. For those who don't know, it was an awful period full of angst, uncertainty, turmoil, and all of this was then aided by hormone injections. I endured shot after shot, transvaginal ultrasound after transvaginal ultrasound, blood draws out the wazoo, fighting with insurance companies and doctors, waiting for test results, waiting a month or two until we could try again and lots and lots of crying. On top of that was doctor ordered sex (when sex was still on the table - we worked up to the "cup" in the second year). How romantic!? and not what you pictured in wanting to start a family. But we did finally achieve pregnancy, (after one miscarriage) and my beloved first child was born, who I love with my whole being. (And the second child too, who was a miracle in her own right as well, coming naturally!!) And then....I fall into a deep, dark, isolating hopeless depression that scared the bejesus out of me. I understand now, it actually started during the pregnancy, as I was so anxious and worried about EVERYTHING. Anxiety can be a huge part of postpartum depression.

I cried a lot during her first year of life, and especially those first months BUT I worked really, really, really hard not to show it to her (or others really, it is very, very shaming) I put on a smile and I sang to her but it was really, really, really hard. I see video and I'm smiling and saying her name over and over again but what I remember vividly is the overwhelming despair. After I recovered, I did NOT want to cry anymore, EVER. Perhaps this is when I learned to eat my way though emotional uncomfortableness and I'm still doing it. I have gained a grasp on it and it doesn't occur as much as it had been but it is a slow process. Habits are very hard to change. There are many uncomfortable emotions I need to release and let go of and yoga, therapy and writing this blog are all fantastic for me. Thank you for reading and thank you for the occasional comment. Especially you Jana! I know some of you read and don't comment as well. I appreciate your patronage! I'm wiping away the tears and moving on.

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