Monday, December 28, 2009

Losing weight isn't everything

I have been in therapy for over a year with the intention of finding out what my weight problem was about. It feels like it has been forever, but I realize that you get out of what you put into it like many things. I went with the purpose of losing weight and drum roll please.....I GAINED weight. I didn't know this ahead of time but it is part of the process and was to be expected during the "make food legal" period which was what I needed to do.

After two different commercial diet programs, the diabetic diet after my PCOS diagnosis and years of reading about nutrition I had not allowed myself to eat many foods that I had determined as being "bad", or at least not eat them and enjoy them. I would end up eating some of them binge style but had guilt out of the wazoo.

When I was on the diets, I drove George crazy when it was time to go eat at a restaurant, as I had to find the one that offered plain salad with grilled chicken or some other dietish food. That is just no way to eat, especially in South Louisiana. It is still hard in certain instances to enjoy food that use to be labeled, "bad" or a poor choice. But I'm making much progress.
At Halloween, I thought oh no, there is going to be candy in the house, and then I stopped and thought, there already IS candy in the house. I have kept M&M's, peanut butter cups, and Snickers in here by order of the nutritionist. Early in therapy, she asked me what my favorite foods were and I had a hard time answering. Especially when it came to sweets because I didn't allow myself. That was kinda sad. I have really been exploring foods and knowing what I truly like, and what I can leave by the wayside. I have also become high maintenance when ordering in a restaurant, that use to seem rude to me, but now I know what I like and how I like it and...I deserve it.

It is funny now that "bad foods" are in the house ALL the time...drum roll please, they don't call to me like they use to. Hmmmmm.

I did have to buy bigger clothes and that was more than a year ago. Letting the size numbers go was painful. I vividly remember getting in to certain sizes when I lost weight with my LA Weight Loss diet. I despised that place. Loved the results until I gained them back, but hated talking nutrition with "counselors" who knew only one spiel. (I never knew how to spell spiel until now...I have always liked that word!)

At present, I have rolls on my body where I don't like them. Months ago I glanced in the mirror during yoga at the Y, and thought who is that person? I just didn't recognize her. But the answer to that is, I have been finding out slowly month by month. There are parts of me I have known for a while, but there are other parts that I'm learning to love. Accepting myself as I am. Let me stop here for a moment. This is so HUGE! (and sadly one my favorite words to say I think is now Paris Hilton's but I digress.) Going hand in hand with accepting myself is not worrying what other people think. So freeing.

I had an experience of going to the same holiday party at a friends house a year apart and both times I had to go by myself as George was working. I remember the feelings of inadequacy, insecurity last year and I was bigger and had to find dressy clothes to wear. This year, I went, ate what I liked, had a cocktail, visited with whom I wanted to and left. It was wonderful, except wearing the high heels, which I have to let that go too. Having that same experience a year apart to compare was very eye opening for me.

So losing weight isn't everything. What IS EVERYTHING, is the acceptance of myself as I am. I believe the weight will take care of itself eventually and I'd so much rather be where I am now than where I was in years past.

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