I appreciate that and I want to notice more especially as I feel I have lost some of my sense of humor. I feel I've stayed in the weeds a lot on my healing journey.
Yet God/Divinity does have a sense of humor.
I'm paying attention and it is a healing act to find the funny when we can.
George and I, the new empty nesters recently watched the two season HBO MAX series, "The Flight Attendant" with Kaley Cuoco. She is the flight attendant with a drinking problem who wakes up in a Bangkok hotel room next to a deceased passenger that she had been partying with the previous night. His throat has been slit and there is blood everywhere. This is not my normal fare because I haven't been able to watch violence and blood for quite some time. Yet I was drawn to the quirky, twist and turns as the main character is trying to clear her name. Kaley's character has repeated flashbacks of the bloody dead man with his neck slit over and over which was really instilled in my head.
That takes me to the current issue of the last few weeks.
I am in the middle of a medical issue. For the last few years, I have had high levels of calcium in my body and recently, the number went outside of the normal range. I had no idea what that meant, so the last few weeks, I have been immersing myself with hypercalcemia and now hyperparathyroidism. (and that is not thyroid, parathyroid! and a growth that is highly likely to be benign) I have had bloodwork, an ultrasound, bone test, twenty-four hour urine collection and as of yesterday, a nuclear medicine test. We have now located approximately where the out of whack gland is that so that a surgeon can more easily find it to take it out.
Guess where the surgery will occur? It would require a slit across my neck!
Okay, a smaller slit, but still, a slit!
Right after I found about the potential surgery, I keep having the bloody vision of that deceased character in my head and then I laughed at it. That is huge for my anxiety ridden self. What is the likelihood of seeing a bloody slit neck over and over for two weeks straight and then discovering I need to have my own neck sliced to heal myself?
The universe's other funny bit is that in the same time period of watching that show, I started using a new cream...on my neck. My children make fun of me because sometimes I fall for ads on social media. I am now trying the "Go Pure Tighten and Lift Neck Cream." I have noticed the things going on now with my neck... stupid selfies.
Now, there will be a slit in that neck that I'm trying to lift and tighten and improve the appearance of.
The universe continues to give me opportunities to laugh and is telling me - Let Go. Let go of the superficial! I've earned all of these wrinkles, crepey skin, sun spots and the crinkle action in my neck. I am beginning to embrace aging gracefully, but on the other hand I will never stop dyeing my hair...
Riley and Mallory do you hear me?!
We all have a line. That is my line. My beloved long term hairdresser says that my coloring doesn't fair well for grey hair. I am going with that for now. I thoroughly embrace those who go with grey hair though.
Most importantly, Laughter is the Best Medicine. As I continue having medical issues, it would be really good for me to break up the fear and anxiety with some laughter. I have noticed that in hospital settings in previous procedures, many employees actively use humor to lighten things up. Each time I am reminded, oh yeah, that is such a good thing.
Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter. Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful. My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing. There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!) I immediately knew who it was from.
It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike. I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so. It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family. Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans. She loved the arts and to laugh. Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.
She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.
I would have been interested in her take on religion as well.
The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.
Something to dream on.
Provence. Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip.
Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
Am I going to Provence?
We have a European school trip planned for June including France. Are we going there?!!!
I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!
I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to. And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again. My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary. A trip I will never forgot. When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.
I find the papers.
WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE!
How thrilling! This is a huge God wink and I take it in. Thirty three years later, and a present from the past comes alive again. A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream.
How many dreams do I have now? It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind. This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself. At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.
Also, dreams don't have to be grand. They can be quietly purposeful.
Namaste
Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans. I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.
This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad. The date is sometime in the late seventies?
So I have been partaking in Internal Family Systems therapy with my longtime therapist for the last few months. I'm so glad she went to a conference and we began this new journey. It is awkward, and uncomfortable but throwing me for a loop in the best possible way. The theory is that we have parts of our personalities that sprang forward to take care of us since we were children (and continue today). Life happened to us and we were overwhelmed and protective parts arose. These parts are very connected to our woundings.
My most active protectors are anxiety, sadness and eating. I know judgment and shame are in the mix but I don't know how they show up. We begin by seeing which part is showing up in my body at the present time and then we kindly, compassionately, talk to the part and there is always another one waiting in the wings. I have chest pain that appears as anxiety, I have sensation that starts in my chin and leads to my eyes for sadness. My therapist tenderly asks questions like how do I feel about the anxiety? Can sadness go to a a safe spot and let us talk to anxiety? Does it know Adult Carolyn is here? What age do you remember this showing up? Whatever the parts want to do, is okay and met with gratitude and compassion. With each question, we are teaching the wounded parts that there is an adult core (Self) of confidence, compassion, acceptance, calmness, wisdom, connectedness, and leadership that is in place and is ready to take over. We are synthesizing the protective wounded parts with the core Self.
And guess what that core self is?!
God.
The Divine One.
One That I Want to Get to Know!
IFS therapy at this time in my life amazingly builds on other theories and spirituality that I have been exploring for years. One of my favorite therapist teachers, Mary O'Malley, has advocated for curiosity, compassion and kindness with ourselves. This stands out to stark contrast with the judgement and shame that I have heaped upon myself for decades. The religion of my youth added to the self-criticism. God was not a loving being, but a judging Santa Claus in the sky, whom I needed to be saved through Jesus in order not to be punished to Hell.
I didn't want to get to know that God. Who would want that?
The judging Santa Claus with a side of Jesus was the message I received and took to heart and it has taken two decades and counting to begin to rewire and transform my image of God.
My life along with this therapy is a spiritual journey of being in the present moment, and for me to know God is inside each and every one of us. The love of the Divine One is unconditional, and the Trinity. Oh the trinity! I continue to heal with the Father, Son and HOLY SPIRIT in the mix. There is a Divine Flow which has been around from the very beginning of creation of the World. (Thank you Father Richard Rohr!) This flow when I can rest in it, makes me feel connected to the entirety of creation, humans, plants, animals and includes those with whom I utterly politically disagree in our current most divided world. You know that's some powerful stuff.
It takes a long time to unlearn what was learned from the very beginning of our lives. Spirituality is really about unlearning. One of my biggest teachers is emotions.
Emotions overwhelm me (as they did in extreme form in Postpartum Depression). If I don't identify with them, attach to them, become them, they flow through. (Different flow though!!)
I know this mechanism well but I lose sight of it and then I remember again, and then I forget. In my most recent therapy session earlier this week, I very unexpectedly was taken back to the postpartum depression I had with my first child. In past sessions, I have gone back and forth between sensations of anxiety and sadness in mere seconds. In the last session, holding those two emotions this time, seemingly "out of nowhere," my mind went to my first postpartum experience. I had fallen into a deep pit of despair, and volleyed back and forth between grief and overwhelming anxiety. I hit bottom one night after months of struggling, when I finally started an anti-depressant. That night, it ramped my anxiety up even further. I did not sleep at all, and my overwhelming fear was that I needed to be carted off to a hospital and that my baby needed to be taken away. The memory of this night and the postpartum depression, is still present in my body and I can call up the depth of the fear, isolation and utter despair easily.
I felt so utterly alone and abandoned.
My therapist and I address the Postpartum Depression experience lovingly and carefully during this session. I attempt to recognize that my adult self is present. When I answer the age question, it seems like I'm a teenager. When finished, she tells me the Postpartum Depression is likely related to feelings of abandonment from early on. She told me to take special care of myself. For days afterward, I felt the aftereffects of examining these parts in the form of mental exhaustion, irritability and sadness. I felt blah, I really wanted comfort. Not so long ago, my therapist and I had discussed looking at anxiety head on and not avoiding it. I was having chest pains, with the pandemic and my daughters going back to school. My therapist would ask, how do I feel about the anxiety? I began to feel edgy towards her which I have never done. I'm freaking terrified, of a heart attack right now is how I feel. After the session, I did a little research into heart attacks, because you know, I had too(!) and as I had gone through cardiac testing before, I knew the chest pain was anxiety. I sat with that knowledge and when I began to feel the anxiety again, I thanked it for working to take care of me, for showing up and that Adult Carolyn had this.
And the chest pain went away.
I know it will come again, and I will forget but ultimately, I plant to practice gratitude, kindness and compassion towards the anxiety over and over.
So, here I was again, days after exploring postpartum in my last session. I don't like it, I want to escape it and I want it to GO AWAY. I talk to a friend. I look things up on the internet. Somehow I come across this video of Glennon Doyle. It is a 23 minute Master Class in being with the pain while laughing. She comes on very strong, but hold on for the ride.
She gets my pain. She is saying this stuff out loud and people respond to her. I respond to this.
She and Pema Chodron both say: "If you can sit with the hot loneliness of pain for 1.6 seconds, when yesterday you could only sit for 1 second, that is the Journey of the Warrior."
Glennon continues: "When we transport ourselves out of our hot loneliness, we miss our transformation. And everything we need to become ourselves is in that hot loneliness".... "the pain teaches us what we need to know."
This is spirituality like I never knew before whereas the judging God of my youth would never evolve to knowing how much I'm loved, how I am at one with the entire universe and knowing the peace that surpasses all understanding.
With the hot pain, also comes joy. When you numb pain, you also numb everything else.
So this crazy therapy is deep, deep spirituality at it's core and coming to know God and myself in ways I never ever dreamed of.
Namaste.
Here is the Oprah's Super Soul Conversation featuring Glennon Doyle Melton.
I went on a spiritual retreat this past weekend. I attended the same version of it at least ten years ago. I thought I knew what to expect. I was in for a surprise.
The retreat is a boundaried place so I am going to speak in generalities.
The first night, I looked around the group of ladies sitting in a circle and I spotted someone who I thought was the person that I had a bad encounter with years ago. My body turned to mush because I had been more on the receiving end of the encounter. It was the same person. I was never recognized yet I kinda wish I would have addressed it. We are both in different places now I think.
But I let it go. There were other things I had to chew on instead.
On two other occasions, I heard words spoken by one person that was moved in the moment and then another spoke of spiritual concepts that jarred me. And after a few moments of agitation, I thought, I can detach from this. And when and if appropriate I can speak up and give my truth without negating what these other person's experiences are.
For so long, when I was growing up and in adult years as well, I would not speak up. I did not voice my experience around certain people or groups. I learned to get along by staying silent and going with the flow. That silence when I wanted to talk, ate me up. And this blog for the last ten years is helping me to write my way out. (Thank you Lin Manuel Miranda!) It's a skill to learn to express oneself verbally assertively without aggression or passivity and I have bumbled my way through at times. But to be honest, the skill set is one thing, what it's really about is not caring what others think.
Learning to let go of that too.
Back at the retreat, on another occasion, issues of a political nature were brought up in casual conversation, in the very last place I thought I would have to hear it. My entire body turned to mush once again. I politely said I was finished with the task at hand and got the heck out. I did try to mumble that we shouldn't talk about politics, and the person said we weren't, but the topic was very much a current political one. Why on earth would one bring this particular subject in casual conversation at a spiritual retreat? It was progress for me to get up and leave as I would have sat silently years ago.
So now there are three persons I'm trying to avoid sitting by at group.
Relaxing retreat. Ha ha ha!
Growth is not relaxing.
I phoned a friend as I walked around the campus, and calmed down. I knew I wanted to stay and dang it, I was going to get something out of this retreat, other than dodging persons or sentiments that pushed my buttons. We had a lovely afternoon break and I took not one but two naps. I knew that this experience was about holding the tension. The idea of holding the dark and the light at the same time with equal respect was first introduced to me by Father Richard Rohr when he visited our church many years ago. It's not seeing the world in black and white, but in grey. In the first half of life, we have to know good and bad, right and wrong to not get burned by the stove or drown, etc. But at midlife, we can wake up and embrace that not each person or issue or experience is all right or all wrong, or good or bad. It's a lot of ego work. It's all about the ego.
And in holding that tension, there can be spiritual breakthroughs.
By letting go of my ego reactions to all of the above mentioned so-called "negative" situations, I did have growth. At the proper time, I spoke up when I had the opportunity to express a different experience with the same issue than what someone else did. I also said it was okay that we have different experiences.
I was telling myself that as much as I was speaking to the group.
I also requested time with those in "charge" to discuss a matter that had been lying on my heart for months. I was heard, understood, and acknowledged.
I also watched the participants whom I differed with, have their own strong aha moments. Sitting with the tension spurned me to come to the conclusion that all those attending were here for their relationship with God as was I. My initial ego reaction would be to slam these other people, try to find someone to back me up. We just have different words, mannerisms, paths and theologies. Most importantly is we don't all have to be on the same page. (Living the tension at it's finest here!) It is heavenly to find those in the same book, and thrilling to find someone in the same chapter though.
As I have learned what methodologies spur a deeper faith, trust and relationship with God and all of creation, I can't ignore that which works for me and that which doesn't. I know it to the core of my being what brings me deeper, as do these other folks but of course, these can conflict. I know certain words, phrases, and sentiments that I experienced in my past, are language that does not bring me closer to God. The critical point is the recognition that people have different ways of achieving a similar end. I can notice the buttons pushed in myself and work to be non-critical, and curious both of myself and the other person. It seems as though this act of detaching from the button pushing will always lead to growth.
I wasn't going to write anything about Trump until I could reach beyond a reactionary response to his divisiveness and black and white thinking. But you know, I have to start where I am, as an observer with a counselor background and a keen interest in the American Presidency and history. I have to process what I see. And I have seen a lot as have you. Do you see what I see? A friend recently pointed out that President Trump meets every one of the criteria for a Sociopath. Here are the criteria for a high functioning sociopath: High IQ: High functioning sociopaths often have a higher IQ than other sociopaths or people without personality disorders. This helps them plan, manipulate, and exploit others. Lack of empathy: Difficulty is empathizing with others or understanding the emotional consequences of their actions. Narcissism: They often have strong self-love and grandiose self-image. This occurs because of low esteem and delusional beliefs. Charming: Although most sociopaths lack empathy, they are capable of mimicking and manipulating emotions to appear charming and normal
Secretive: A sociopath doesn't feel the need to share intimate details with others unless it is to manipulate. (Tax returns & business dealings after American banks stopped loaning him $) Sexually deviant: Since they lack guilt, remorse, and emotional attachments, sociopaths tend to have affairs and engage in the questionable sexual activity. (Goes Without Saying) Sensitive to criticism: Despite their lack of empathy, sociopaths desire the approval of others. They feel entitled to admiration and are quick to anger when criticized. Impulsive behavior: Sociopaths often live in the moment and will do what they feel is needed to reach their immediate goals. (Twitter rants and policy) Compulsive lying: Disregarding the truth to make themselves look better or get what they want. Needing constant stimulation: Sociopaths often get bored easily and need to be actively engaged. Addictive Behavior: Their compulsive mindset may result in addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, or other addictive behaviors. (Twitter, controlling the narrative) Criminal Behavior: Criminal activity associated with sociopaths could include theft, assault, or destruction of property. (Got In trouble in high school and was sent to military school, and you know, waiting patiently for Mueller)
Isn't it amazing how he meets EVERY SINGLE CRITERIA? Although sociopath is not a DSM diagnosis, it parallels very closely to anti-social disorder which is. He does meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality too.
Why does it matter that this label fits? On a daily basis we see each of these characteristics playing out in destructive ways in our country in hourly breaking news. Let's begin with the lies. As of last month, three thousands lies in the last 466 days. Every politician glosses the truth, but Trump has hit the high of six lies per day, and ones that are easily proven false, yet his followers believe them. His supporters at the recent Duluth rally were interviewed and believe that the pictures at the border detention center supplied by Trump's own administration are not real. It's not only lying, but the constant gaslighting of the American people when things are not going well for him. As the Russian investigation gets closer and closer to him, he acts out and distracts. This is his brand management style of a reality TV Show Presidency. When the noose tightens, distract. He changes the narrative and he's exquisitely pathologically good at this. For example, he first began saying there was no Russian collusion which in and of itself is not illegal, but as communication by his team with Russian emissaries was revealed over and over, he began the pivot as did Nixon, that the investigation by his own appointed Justice Department is flawed and conspiracy theories abound. This Russian witch hunt currently has 17 indictments, 5 guilty pleas, and one campaign manager currently behind bars because he couldn't stop criminal behavior even with an ankle cuff monitor. He will hire only the best people.
The Russian investigation began not because of a conspiratorial "deep state" but because his own foreign policy adviser, George Papadopoulos, bragged to Australia's British diplomat in a London bar that Russia had dirt on Hilary Clinton. He hires only the best people. Australian intelligence counterparts then notified our intelligence offices. That is the way ally Intelligence offices work. U.S. Intelligence doesn't work for the benefit of just one narcissistic U.S. President, they work for the safety of the entire country. One or two of his very best people happened to already work as pro-Russian agents for countries like the Ukraine and they accidentally forgot to put that on their official work papers and lied to the FBI about it. He hires only the best people. Back to the sociopathic tendencies. What matters to him is attention, optics and ratings and most importantly trying to fill a void of self worth that will never be quenched.
Trump genuinely reveres and envies dictators. He believes if he had their absolute power, he wouldn't feel so empty and persecuted -- but he is wrong. Nothing will ever fill his infinite sense of emptiness.
Tony Schwartz is the writer of "The Art of the Deal," who spent eighteen months daily with Trump. (He massively regrets his role in the writing of this book and creating the persona.)
The real problem, is he doesn't appear to have a soul. An August 2016 quote about Trump from recently departed Conservative columnist Charles Krauthammer: "He has a shocking absence of elementary decency and of natural empathy for the most profound of human sorrows, parental grief." It's hard to watch our democracy being lead by someone who has no empathy, decency and actively stokes division at every turn. It's a true test of our founding father's framework. In order to watch the news, I have to balance it and listen to historical scholars who say that our founding fathers envisioned this and our democracy will survive. Jon Meacham is one of them. Other than the test of our democracy, the reason I'm so intrigued is that I was fooled too. I never liked Trump because he was too narcissistic, too sexist and too much. But I actually thought he could possibly be a legit business person. I was fooled by the gold letters on top of some of his buildings until I learned that those are a licensing facade. He doesn't own the buildings but rather the right to put his name on it. He's pathologically good at branding. But then I learned the details of his business career: dad's money, bankruptcies, lawsuits, cheating small business owners, failed businesses including Atlantic casinos, which led to American banks no longer loaning him money. Where did he go for funding to stay afloat? Russian oligarchs and anywhere money could be hidden. You don't play with dirty money and come out clean. This is why there is no transparency with his tax returns. Why does one need a fixer like Michael Cohen if you are running your businesses above board? His business evolved to reality TV. And our TV President held court in The Apprentice and that facade made him legitimate to some citizens. He presided in the big chair on a television set that gave the appearance of a strong businessman who said, "You're Fired" but it was... scripted and directed. In reality, he cannot handle conflict, and has other people fire whomever has crossed him or he sits behind his unsecured phone and fires by Twitter. What blew me away was, with his much touted negotiating skills, and with a Republican House and Senate, he couldn't get his version of healthcare passed because he had no version. He doesn't read, he doesn't know policy or history, just catch phrases. It was truly shocking to me what a poor negotiator he actually is. He's really good at executive orders in front of the camera though. He can't roll up his sleeves and do the hard work even though he might have a good point. (See, I give him that he might have some good instincts!)He's unable to have the hard conversation with our ally leaders in person to reach a mutually beneficial agreement at a summit. That is what negotiating is about. That is strength. It's sad to see it's about optics and show. He only shows up for the picture op or a parade in his honor. Whatever you have to say about Obama and your disagreement with his policies, he met with both parties, had meetings and had hard negotiations to pass healthcare. He is a Christian, he said Merry Christmas and he was born in Hawaii. Even though it would be okay if he were Muslim because being Muslim does not mean you are a terrorist. He sat with parents who had lost grade school children to gun violence and wept with them. Trump does not have that emotional capability. He threw paper towel rolls in Puerto Rico from behind a table and it was so symbolic of who he is. Of course, that U.S. territory is still suffering. All of the above mentioned sociopathic tendencies are crippling him and has an affect on our country. Most recently, the lack of empathy was on full display with his Zero Tolerance family separation border policy which Stephen Miller crafted and Attorney General Sessions stamped. He started the fire and then put the fire out. For a day or so, he did see an opportunity to use these terrorized detained immigrant children as hostages for leverage for his wall but then optics got too bad for him. He has affected children and families who have been so psychologically scarred and whom may never be reunited with their parents. As of this morning, he drops Immigration impulsively because the optics are bad at the present moment. Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” I can't even begin with Sessions using the Bible to justify ripping families apart, just like it was used to support slavery. At times I actually feel sorry for Sessions whose policies I deplore. He is Trump's whipping boy because he actually did the ethical action of stepping down from overseeing an investigation that included himself. But Trump is now torturing him unmercifully because mafioso Don was expecting loyalty from "his" man. (Trump was expecting a Roy Cohn) Trump's authoritarian stances and dictator love is quite disconcerting. It wasn't a joke that he wanted "his" people to stand at attention like Kim Jong Un's people as rocket man presides over a murderous military regime.
He has extreme black and white thinking. (I spot it, I got it too!) You are either all in or on the complete outs with Trump. For example, he is incapable of nuances. He doesn't know how to meet Kim Jong Un and not flatter and fawn all over a murderous dictator. He could meet with him, be courteous and yet hold a hard line. I thought the two of them might just be so crazy that something good could come of it.
Then there is the inconsistency of the "law and order" President. He is waging Presidential war against his own Justice department to cover his own tracks. Why would someone with so many questionable financial dealings with funding from dirty money run for the highest office in the land? He brought this level of investigation on himself. His narcissism tells him he can get away with it. And Comey helped him win the Presidency!! I am not missing that irony. A simple fact during the campaign was he told the American people he had no dealings with Russia and all along, his business associates were trying to build a Trump Tower there. He learned to lie this masterfully from Joe McCarthy's lawyer, Roy Cohn when Trump was thirty years old. He learned how to double down and repeatedly lie until people think it's the truth. This is wearing me out, how about you? Who is the Biggest Fake? I know many do see the dysfunctional sociopathic characteristics but they see it as strength. They have craved someone who calls it like they see it. He's bold, he doesn't care about political correctness. America First!! Mixed in with America First are the evangelical leaders and Christians who align with the man who says he has makes no mistakes and never needs to be forgiven. And well, the sociopathic tendencies... Jesus would have been all in for America First, right? Jesus, the olive skinned Jew, who was an immigrant with no home who preached "love thy neighbor as thyself." Jesus would have been turned away at the border by our current administration. He was a snowflake in the best way, who said love everyone. My personal God is the God of all people in the world, not just the American ones. Trump has co-opted patriotism for his own purposes. I love America, I love our freedom but I also see that the rest of the world's children (and adults) as God's too. This includes the brown ones, the Mexican ones, the Muslim ones, females, children, gay, straight, transgender, the tax collector, the Pharisee, the white ones and the male ones. My pastor says that we must love our enemies. I think Jesus did too. Trump may stoke the fire of divisiveness and indecency day in and day out but I really try not to respond in hate. I can even tell you how he has helped me! Trump has helped me accept that I am not in control. Ha ha!! And that is an understatement!! He has taught me to be in the present moment, more than Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra or Jesus could! He has helped me to understand that politics are so very personal and they are so very deeply ingrained. Do I hate Trump? He makes me cringe for sure. I can't listen to him speak and I loathe red hats. I really despise his actions and his rhetoric but I do try to understand him. That is who I am. I try to understand who he is and who his followers are. I think he's pretty miserable that he won. For those who understand what I'm writing intimately, take heart. I truly believe our democracy will survive this President. Now, I don't think that every day, but on my best day, I do. It will be ugly for a while still. The Founding Fathers created our constitutional framework because we were fleeing a King with unlimited power and forced religion. They had this scenario in mind. Do you see what I see? If you don't agree with any of these thoughts, thanks for reading all the way to the bottom!! We may not see the same things, but I do try to see you, and understand as well. We both want many of the same things in life, we just have different ways of getting there. Namaste.
In preparing for the Joyce Rupp book study I facilitated in the fall I found this beauty that she wrote. I have found that this type of spiritual poetry is a balm to my soul. This one is so very truthful of my journey inward. Hope that it resonates with you as well.
Preface the persistent voice of midlife wooed and wailed, wept and whined, nagged like an endless toothache, seduced like an insistent lover, promised a guide to protect me as I turned intently toward my soul. as I stood at the door of "Go Deeper" I heard the ego's howl of resistance, felt the shivers of my false security but knew there could be no other way. inward I traveled, down, down, drawn further into the truth than I ever intended to go. as I moved far and deep and long eerie things long lain hidden jeered at me with shadowy voices, while love I'd never envisioned wrapped compassionate ribbons 'round my fearful, anxious heart. further in I sank, to the depths, past all my arrogance and confusion, through all my questions and doubts, beyond all I held to be fact. finally I stood before a new door: the Hall of Oneness and Freedom. uncertain and wary, I slowly opened, discovering a space of welcoming light. I entered the sacred inner room where everything sings of Mystery. no longer could I deny or resist the decay of clenching control and the silent gasps of surrender. there in that sacred place of my Self Love of a lasting kind came forth, embracing me like a long beloved one come home for the first time. much that I thought to be "me" crept to the corners and died. in its place a Being named Peace slipped beside and softly spoke my name: "Welcome home, True Self, I've been waiting for you." ---Joyce Rupp
I wrote a very long post about the Duggars weeks ago but never published.
It was restrained anger with love. (Yeah, it was mostly anger.) And I used a refrain of "Praying the Gay Away" with "Praying the Molestation Away." It was very clever if I do say so myself.
As an LGBT supporter AND Christian, I don't agree with the Duggars' politics, religion and let's not touch the hypocrisy of Michelle Duggar's robocall and any of Josh's words... condemning anybody.
After I had written my blog, I read a very loving and sensitive blog and the author's point was really, really good, but on a comment in response, I went off in a restrained fashion letting loose on how this news pushed every one of my core buttons. The author's loving way to address the situation had stopped me in my tracks though and I did not hit publish on my blog.
The Duggar situation hit way too close to home for me.
Between the fundamentalism, and anti-LGBT, that's enough to start. The facts that the kids have no room to be who they really are, because the family appears to have all the makings of a cult...allegedly. Those parents produce children and they are expected to believe exactly as Jim Bob and Michelle.
So you can see where the veiled rant went.
But the most important point here is that me judging them, has my energy focused on the negative. And I was judging. I found I had to walk away and not read any more Twitter, watch any more CNN, nor finish the second Megan Kelly interview because it stirred me up and I became obsessive. This was not positive nor a forward move nor loving.
And the bottom line is I want to put more love out in the world, not judgement, not hate.
I had to let it go.
Though I was very, very interested in the behavioral phenomenon of people, (politicians, preachers) who come out and preach against something fervently, and yet they actually have the thing that they are preaching against going on within themselves (or their family!) This is the phenomenon I wanted to know about and hear about. I think it's called projection.
So here is my new blog about The Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle are doing the best job they can. They love their children. They love God, I love God and yet we have different rules. I'm glad I'm not one of their children. I really, really hope Josh Duggar has not relapsed and molested anyone else. Molestation is really, really hard to address behaviorally and for the impulse to diminish. More than likely, Josh was most likely molested himself. And I'm glad that my family is not on television.
There, that wasn't so bad was it? It still wasn't as loving as the other blog but it's more than what I wrote the first time.
(This was written prior to Caitlyn's unveiling yesterday - so Bruce is still referred to as a he.)
A few weeks back, I came home from a wedding and sat on the edge of my bed watching the recording of Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner earlier that evening. I was mesmerized. It was so well done. Bruce was finally able to tell his truth without interruption and with compassion and a little education added in from Diane.
I've watched him on the Kardashians. I was done with it until Bruce began emerging in his truth. I was interested in him (I remembered him as the Olympic champion - hubba, hubba) but as I watched him through a few seasons, he was not who I thought he would be. He was much more passive but also seemingly sensitive, kind and loving. He was the sane one.
He told his story to Diane so fluidly as obviously it was sixty-five years in the making. That is a long, long time to wait to speak your truth. On a different level than gender identity, I identify where he is coming from in terms of being true to one's self. For me, it's about staking my place as a left leaning Christian living in a Bible Belt South Louisiana. I grew up surrounded by guns, camouflage, LSU Football, attending church revivals, and nary an examination of feelings anywhere. And later on, my dad had either Fox News, football, or a Western blaring in the background. None of it sat well with me.
I can tell you what I'm passionate about. I LIVE to examine who I am and my thought processes! It makes me giddy. That is when I feel closest to God because when I am quiet and let all of the other thoughts and distractions go, that is when I am able to recognize the eternal loving presence always INSIDE of me.
And Jesus is the biggest consciousness person out there. Be still and know that I am God…from Psalms. He was all about renewing the mind. And renewing the mind is about working on your thought processes.
So I don't identify with things that are really celebrated around me yet I am absolutely passionate about my consciousness journey. And it has taken me to my forty-sixth year of life to really own it. It's been done in baby steps. I did touch upon it in May 2009, entitled "Uncomfortable Religious Moments." It was very truthful for me to write it yet I worried about acceptance from those around me (even though I told no one and just posted it to the world wide web!! LOL) Over time it has sunk in that I can't worry about those around me, I have to be true to my own soul. And that's how I identify with Bruce and wish the best for him. It is going to be strange to see him as a woman, but the strange factor is overtaken and overruled by knowing I have to be who I am and allow those around me to be who they are.
So on a certain level, I understand what Bruce has been communicating ever since the Diane Sawyer interview. For me living in a really Red state where Governor Bobby Jindal is issuing executive orders against LGBT, LSU Football reigns and Duck Dynasty is celebrated, this does not sit well with my soul. Until the last decade or so, I didn't even examine who I was enough to know where I stood because I was so fearful. I went along with the crowd because I was too scared and it feels very isolating and lonely to step out on my own.
But it is not for me to go with the flow anymore.
If you are not aligned with your soul, the world is a pretty miserable place to live in.
And when you allow yourself to be who you are, as hard as that is, the universe rises up to meet you and you eventually find your tribe and it feels so right and LOVING with your soul and God. I know, this is where I am supposed to be.
Namaste.
P.S. I used a lot of black and white language (right and left) in this blog to get my point across. The media paints the picture of right wing, left wing, red state, and blue state. I don't think people fit in these categories as neatly as I used in the examples. And I don't think we are as divided as it appears or feels. At some point, I had a big aha that my higher power was the same God that others believed in. We just have different rules and language which seem to create a big divide. Well, and the fact that they think I'm going to hell doesn't bother me anymore. {grin}
I've lost my voice with this blog for a bit. I haven't written in a while and I truly LOVE to write. It is so cathartic for me. So I am forcing myself to write this.
I shared a bit of my authentic self on Facebook. I linked a blog that had taken me many years of soul searching to write. But it had to do with religion, addiction, being gay and the movie, "Twelve Years A Slave." Hot button issues to write about in the Deep South Bible Belt.
After posting the link to my blog, I was pleasantly surprised that there were positive responses immediately. I would like to say that it shouldn't have mattered but knowing someone else understood and had the same opinion was gratifying. It is my truth and I have worked so hard to get to the point of saying it out loud…well at least in a blog.
And then about a week later, I realized that one person was not pleased with the blog and needed to not see my "stuff" on FB and defriended without a word. I was saddened and angry because of who the person was but I remind myself that the reaction that comes back to me has to do with that person. It's their stuff.
This blog is my truth and I have worked so hard to come to know what I believe at my core. And I am learning bit by bit that I don't have to have anyone else agree with me either. And to take it a step further, I can be friends with people who don't have the same opinion as I. It is called, "Agreeing to Disagree."
Love them and accept them for who they are.
In my journey, I had to figure out that I was a people pleaser - this was kinda shocking to me as I have progressed out of it, how deeply it went. I had to learn what boundaries were. First, I had to have the awareness that I was a people pleaser and what the hell boundaries were and that I needed them, desperately. I believe that I had to understand where I came from so I could move forward. And moving forward to owning my own thoughts, words and actions is so freeing.
The irony with this particular situation of defriending is that my journey to figure out my authentic self, led me to a deeper relationship with God and his Divineness within me, always available to rely on. And that Divine within is all about love, not judgment. And this person and I just disagree about the "rules" of the God we both believe in.
So I'm back. I will stop here. But my journey has to continue whether anyone agrees with me or not.
I have been writing namaste at the end of some of my blogs. I'm not sure why, it just flows out of me as I write. And then today, on Facebook I posted a hard truth that I have learned again and again. This truth is that you can learn the most about yourself from those that push your buttons if you allow the lesson (and the consciousness evolvement) I ended the post with the word Namaste.
So I stopped to think what does this word mean? I have looked it up a few times before. While practicing yoga, it is usually said at the end of class. The teacher bows to us and we can bow to her. And I remember the gist of it being the best of me meets the best of you. It is a peaceful loving gesture.
So I look it up once again and I'm struck by how a very studied person named Aadil Palkhivala, answered. Simply beautiful.
"The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. Nama means bow, as means I, and te means you. Therefore,namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."
To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka, close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then bringing the hands down to the heart. This is an especially deep form of respect....
...We bring the hands together at the heart chakra to increase the flow of Divine love. Bowing the head and closing the eyes helps the mind surrender to the Divine in the heart. One can do Namaste to oneself as a meditation technique to go deeper inside the heart chakra; when done with someone else, it is also a beautiful, albeit quick, meditation.
This is the part I like the best:
For a teacher and student, Namaste allows two individuals to come together energetically to a place of connection and timelessness, free from the bonds of ego-connection. If it is done with deep feeling in the heart and with the mind surrendered, a deep union of spirits can blossom.
This is so beautiful. Yoga has been a wonderful journey for me. Moving out of ego-connection! There is no lost irony on me that I keep choosing this word that means "coming to a place of connection" and meeting the "divine spark within us."
The few of you who read my blog - I know I connect with. And I have been so humbled and excited when someone tells me they read it and connect with the material. I write for my own catharsis and my journey. I'm not ready to open it up to the general public to receive criticism. Writing is therapy for me!! I heard an author (Dani Shapiro) describe that she was able to understand her life by writing it. I get that. Also when I don't make time to write, I feel discombobulated. I feel connected to God when I write.
