Decluttering And Sacred Moments with Marie Kondo

Summer is upon us.  Yesterday, both of my children were out of the house.  I have been reveling in time alone and flitting from one thing to the next.  I could not concentrate on just one thing but I moved between twenty tasks.  My emotions were up and down.  The day started off with some blue feelings, I wrote, tears fell and I became energized. 

It was time to address the closet, it has been calling.  I want to streamline, get rid of clothes and anything else that is no longer in use.  This is easier said than done.  There are some fantastic memories associated with some clothes and other items.  I have read or heard that if you haven't worn an item in a year (perhaps 2 after the pandemic) then it's time to let it go. 

Long ago, I had watched only one episode of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.  For some reason, it did not resonate with me.  I don't know if it was the language barrier but I was not drawn to it.  As I ate lunch yesterday, I decided to give it another try for inspiration.  

It was the right intuition. 

I watched the homeowner, a recent widow and Marie meet and discuss plans.  They sat down at a table and discussed her goals for her house and for her. 

Then there was something very powerful which made me fall in love with Marie.  Marie told the homeowner she wanted to greet her house.  She got up walked around and found just the right spot and knelt on her legs sat on the floor and prayed. 

Oh yes! Cleaning out clutter is a spiritual process.  

(But there was more to come!)

I wanted to get on the floor and speak to Divinity about my intentions and goals.  Make plans for how I want to live my life in this house.  I want to think about the energy in the house.   It will soon be changing as my eldest is leaving for college which leads me to think of the empty nest in three more years.   Whoa. How did that happen?

Intention. For much of my thirties and forties, I took it to heart that I was a follower and people pleaser.  I did not know who I was and how to follow through on my own intentions.  I am learning to listen to my intuition, my gut and recognize the divinity that is guiding me.  Being in a quiet space like yesterday, really allows me to listen.  

I continued to watch "Tidying Up" and Marie blew me away again!  Her advice was to hold an item and see if it sparked joy.  

Oh my.  Yes!!!

Today, I could take in her message. 

Many items I keep, like shoes, I do so because they were expensive.  Would I ever wear them again?  Never, I think maybe the kids.  SMH. Nuh uh.  Some of them hurt my feet and I decided not to do that anymore.   So does that item spark joy?  Nooooo.   Instead it carries shame that I didn't wear them enough or that I had spent too much money.   And then there's the clothes that might fit in the future?  Nooooooo.

Why do I do that to myself? 

Conversely,  if I have a very positive memory of a shirt that I don't plan on wearing again,  she advises to hold it, acknowledge it and let it go. I Love that so much!   In a way, I had been doing a version of this with my daughters.  We would take pictures of items, especially stuffed animals and let them go. 

It's clear to me now, that this rule applies to all surroundings including people.   Do they spark joy, make me feel better or worse about myself?  Do I let go of trying to make things work with people it just doesn't?  (emphasis on work) It is hard to let people go though.  I can get on my knees, thank them for the role they have played thus far and let them go, or let my idea of them go.  I may have to do this several times over, because some people are harder to let go than others. 

This was such a simple but profound lesson. As I began to write again, I wanted to hear the exact words Marie used about sparking joy.  An interview of her & Stephen Colbert popped up.  He asked why Americans responded to her message of tidying up and sparking joy so much and it was because...we have clutter in our hearts. 

Those words permeated my body and straight to my heart.  I felt them and know them to be true. 

Marie Kondo...wow. 

Thank you. 

My bag of shoes is waiting to be donated.  

Now the rolling of the clothes, I need more time. 

Namaste.💕

A Retreat Like No Other: Holding The Tension

I went on a spiritual retreat this past weekend.  I attended the same version of it at least ten years ago.  I thought I knew what to expect.  I was in for a surprise.

The retreat is a boundaried place so I am going to speak in generalities.

The first night, I looked around the group of ladies sitting in a circle and I spotted someone who I thought was the person that I had a bad encounter with years ago.  My body turned to mush because I had been more on the receiving end of the encounter.  It was the same person.  I was never recognized yet I kinda wish I would have addressed it.  We are both in different places now I think.

But I let it go.  There were other things I had to chew on instead.

On two other occasions, I heard words spoken by one person that was moved in the moment and then another spoke of spiritual concepts that jarred me. And after a few moments of agitation, I thought, I can detach from this. And when and if appropriate I can speak up and give my truth without negating what these other person's experiences are.

For so long, when I was growing up and in adult years as well, I would not speak up. I did not voice my experience around certain people or groups.  I learned to get along by staying silent and going with the flow.  That silence when I wanted to talk, ate me up.  And this blog for the last ten years is helping me to write my way out.  (Thank you Lin Manuel Miranda!)   It's a skill to learn to express oneself verbally assertively without aggression or passivity and I have bumbled my way through at times. But to be honest, the skill set is one thing, what it's really about is not caring what others think.

Learning to let go of that too.

Back at the retreat, on another occasion, issues of a political nature were brought up in casual conversation, in the very last place I thought I would have to hear it.  My entire body turned to mush once again.   I politely said I was finished with the task at hand and got the heck out.  I did try to mumble that we shouldn't talk about politics, and the person said we weren't, but the topic was very much a current political one.  Why on earth would one bring this particular subject in casual conversation at a spiritual retreat?   It was progress for me to get up and leave as I would have sat silently years ago.

So now there are three persons I'm trying to avoid sitting by at group.

Relaxing retreat. Ha ha ha!

Growth is not relaxing.

I phoned a friend as I walked around the campus, and calmed down. I knew I wanted to stay and dang it, I was going to get something out of this retreat, other than dodging persons or sentiments that pushed my buttons.   We had a lovely afternoon break and I took not one but two naps.  I knew that this experience was about holding the tension.  The idea of holding the dark and the light at the same time with equal respect was first introduced to me by Father Richard Rohr when he visited our church many years ago.  It's not seeing the world in black and white, but in grey.   In the first half of life, we have to know good and bad, right and wrong to not get burned by the stove or drown, etc. But at midlife, we can wake up and embrace that not each person or issue or experience is all right or all wrong, or good or bad. It's a lot of ego work.  It's all about the ego.

And in holding that tension, there can be spiritual breakthroughs.

By letting go of my ego reactions to all of the above mentioned so-called "negative" situations, I did have growth.  At the proper time, I spoke up when I had the opportunity to express a different experience with the same issue than what someone else did.  I also said it was okay that we have different experiences.

I was telling myself that as much as I was speaking to the group.

I also requested time with those in "charge" to discuss a matter that had been lying on my heart for months. I was heard, understood, and acknowledged.

I also watched the participants whom I differed with, have their own strong aha moments.  Sitting with the tension spurned me to come to the conclusion that all those attending were here for their relationship with God as was I.  My initial ego reaction would be to slam these other people, try to find someone to back me up.  We just have different words, mannerisms, paths and theologies.   Most importantly is we don't all have to be on the same page.  (Living the tension at it's finest here!) It is heavenly to find those in the same book, and thrilling to find someone in the same chapter though.

As I have learned what methodologies spur a deeper faith, trust and relationship with God and all of creation, I can't ignore that which works for me and that which doesn't.   I know it to the core of my being what brings me deeper, as do these other folks but of course, these can conflict.  I know certain words, phrases, and sentiments that I experienced in my past, are language that does not bring me closer to God.  The critical point is the recognition that people have different ways of achieving a similar end.  I can notice the buttons pushed in myself and work to be non-critical, and curious both of myself and the other person.  It seems as though this act of detaching from the button pushing will always lead to growth.

Leaning in to the tension.

Namaste

Welcome Home True Self by Joyce Rupp

In preparing for the Joyce Rupp book study I facilitated in the fall I found this beauty that she wrote.  I have found that this type of spiritual poetry is a balm to my soul.  This one is so very truthful of my journey inward.  Hope that it resonates with you as well.

Preface
the persistent voice of midlife
wooed and wailed, wept and whined,
nagged like an endless toothache,
seduced like an insistent lover, 
promised a guide to protect me
as I turned intently toward my soul.
as I stood at the door of "Go Deeper"
I heard the ego's howl of resistance,
felt the shivers of my false security
but knew there could be no other way.
inward I traveled, down, down,
drawn further into the truth
than I ever intended to go.
as I moved far and deep and long
eerie things long lain hidden 
jeered at me with shadowy voices,
while love I'd never envisioned
wrapped compassionate ribbons
'round my fearful, anxious heart.
further in I sank, to the depths,
past all my arrogance and confusion,
through all my questions and doubts, 
beyond all I held to be fact.
finally I stood before a new door:
the Hall of Oneness and Freedom.
uncertain and wary, I slowly opened,
discovering a space of welcoming light.
I entered the sacred inner room
where everything sings of Mystery.
no longer could I deny or resist
the decay of clenching control 
and the silent gasps of surrender.
there in that sacred place of my Self
Love of a lasting kind came forth, 
embracing me like a long beloved one
come home for the first time.
much that I thought to be "me"
crept to the corners and died.
in its place a Being named Peace
slipped beside and softly spoke my name:
"Welcome home, True Self,
I've been waiting for you."
---Joyce Rupp

Spiritual Poetry From Joyce Rupp

This is from Joyce Rupp's book, Dear Heart Come Home: The Path of Midlife Spirituality.  I am leading a study of one of her books and I came across this and used it in class as a lectio divina. I could tell it resonated with some members as much as it did with me.    I find that my soul is soothed lately by beautiful poetic writing that speaks of God's love.  A friend introduced me to Dr. James Finley, a contemplative teacher (and Merton scholar) in video form a few months ago and he speaks in much the same way.

Hope you enjoy.  I will comment with what called out to me.



Preface

the persistent voice of midlife
wooed and wailed, wept and whined,
nagged like an endless toothache,
seduced like an insistent lover, 
promised a guide to protect me
as I turned intently toward my soul.

as I stood at the door of "Go Deeper"
I heard the ego's howl of resistance,
felt the shivers of my false security
but knew there could be no other way.
inward I traveled, down, down,
drawn further into the truth
than I ever intended to go.

as I moved far and deep and long
eerie things long lain hidden 
jeered at me with shadowy voices,
while love I'd never envisioned
wrapped compassionate ribbons
'round my fearful, anxious heart.

further in I sank, to the depths,
past all my arrogance and confusion,
through all my questions and doubts, 
beyond all I held to be fact.

finally I stood before a new door:
the Hall of Oneness and Freedom.
uncertain and wary, I slowly opened,
discovering a space of welcoming light.

I entered the sacred inner room
where everything sings of Mystery.
no longer could I deny or resist
the decay of clenching control 
and the silent gasps of surrender.

there in that sacred place of my Self
Love of a lasting kind came forth, 
embracing me like a long beloved one
come home for the first time.

much that I thought to be "me"
crept to the corners and died.
in its place a Being named Peace
slipped beside and softly spoke my name:
"Welcome home, True Self,
I've been waiting for you."

---Joyce Rupp

I Have Enrolled in Seminary

Not really, but sort of.

I am enrolled in a 2 year paraprofessional certification for Spiritual Formation Leadership.  What is that, you ask?  I'm not sure really, but it requires furthering my relationship with the Divine within and going out of my comfort zone.  So here I am.

It is a joint venture between the Ministry of Spiritual Formation of my church, First United Methodist in Baton Rouge and Garrett Evangelical Theological Seminary in Illinois. I'm not sure how I ended up here (oh yes I do), but here I am.

I wrote that a few weeks back and reading again now, I just noticed that the words "Here I Am" were at the end of both of the above paragraphs.  That happens to be one of my very favorite hymns.  It make me want to sing and cry all at the same time.  No coincidence that I wrote those words.  It gives me goose bumps every time.




I am going to determine that this certification is a good thing.  It is comprised of several conferences over 2 years.  And the most important part is taking on different spiritual practices on a near daily basis: keeping a prayer journal, Centering prayer, audio listenings, book reports,  developing a rule of life, Lectio divina,  and small group meetings.

Oh my gosh.  That's a lot and since grad school, I've never been very disciplined in reading activities.  Can I be disciplined?  I have been very intentional in my thought processes and changing those that don't work for me. Guess what?  That is the spiritual practice of Self-Examination.  (Check that practice off the list!!  One down!!)

My spiritual homework is pushing me to do practices that make me feel uncomfortable and are painful.  I am healing the past and... thought processes that did not bring me closer to God.   These new practices, although awkward and challenging, open me up even further to the divine within.  I wasn't ready to read the words or hear the words or speak the exercises before me until now.   Some healing had to take place to make me ready to take in, here it comes...love.   And love always is the answer.   But love comes not in the form that I expect, so I have come to expect the unexpected. (But of course still some yearning in the ways that I think it should be)

I had put off starting many of the above described homework assignments.   A deadline loomed and I dug in.  It finally hit me why I delayed sitting down to tackle the materials.  This work is emotional.  My fundamentalist baggage is deep.  Whatever I learned when I was younger did not bring me to know how much God loves me.  I read within the first sentence of a chapter on Self Examination: ...God is the searcher of every human heart.

That brought tears to my eyes. Wow.  Eight words did me in. I'm in that every human heart and I believe it. God is seeking me out every day, all day, with a ceaseless love.  (I just have to pay attention and let go of my expectations!)  This is a stark contrast to how I felt about God before.  I felt God was out there (hand as far away from the body as it can get and tilted upward because you know that's where heaven is)  and relentlessly judging me.  I failed in the judgement that I thought was going on each and every time.  What a difference to know a higher power is always there with LOVE, a ceaseless love not judgement.

My former black and white thinking on God (and life) takes time to dismantle.  Now, I desperately need to hear the notion of original love not original sin.  We were born of love, as love.  It takes time to take this in.  People and religions make up rules and dogma instead of doing the hard work of allowing love in.

So I am in seminary, sort of. I wouldn't have ever thought that was true.  I just was invited to take this step and it made sense to follow it.   I am pushing myself once again, uncomfortably into new territory.  This is growth, though.  I cannot grow and evolve standing still or sitting and cowering in the corner as I was accustomed to.  I am dragging myself slowly bit by bit but I know without a doubt I'm on the right path.
Namaste

The World Would Be a Nicer Place If…

God is Light.  God is Love.
This sentiment is so healing for me. So simple, but so true for my religion battered me down before.
Following the light, leads me to abundant love.
Finding my authentic self, which is love at the core.  And connection with others and the entire planet because we are one.

This is deep.  So very deep but so very simple.

Namaste.

Sparks of Divinity

I caught a blip of a rerun of Super Soul Sunday while walking the dogs, thanks to Sirius radio app on my iPhone.   The little bit I heard just ignited my enthusiasm once again and I want to carve the time out to watch the ones I have taped on my DVR.  I always have ahas and then it sparks me to write.  These are creative forces flowing from a higher power that resides inside me whom I call God.

The person I heard speaking on OWN was Adyashanti, an American spiritual teacher.  I heard him describe humans as sparks of divinity.

Sparks of Divinity!

Wow!  This terminology is a massive warm enveloping hug just when I needed it most.

This is so different than how I pictured myself when I was growing up. 

The way I thought of God before was bleak, and unforgiving and most of all - Judgmental.  I cannot tolerate anything that smells of judgment anymore.  What had been planted in my head was that Jesus loved me, but I was a sinner.  And there was a big book and God was watching and if I misbehaved my name would not be in that book and I was going to hell.  (Yes, I sadly watched a full out play production of this very notion called "Heaven or Hell" in my early 20's) And I was told I was a sinner all the time.   And so there was hell, and armageddon, and eye for an eye and so much was based on Fear.  I can clearly see how fear is used repeatedly as a means to an end.   This did not present to me a God of Love.  A God who loved me more than I could even imagine and that there was an endless depth of love to tap into.   All I could think was that I wasn't good enough.  (If you tell someone they are a sinner, then guess what, that is what they will morph into.  Self-fulfilling prophecy.

So guess what, I didn't learn how to love myself or anyone else unconditionally -which is a red letter New Testament Jesus' commandment.  In fact it is the second one to loving God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind.  The second commandment of the New Testament is "You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself."   I now know that I was born to LOVE (not fear). 

I'm rearranging those thoughts in my head because our higher being (and Jesus) are all about love.  We are born and our souls ARE love but we lose that along the way.  Our ego gets in the way. Our conditioning by humans gets in the way.

The way to follow Jesus as he teaches is through LOVE.   Becoming whole-hearted.  Seeing the world as loving.  There is an abundance of love out there for everyone.   

Fear and Loathing in Baton Rouge

"Every time you substitute kindness for criticism you improve your relationship with yourself.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang

Unconditional self-love.  I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.

I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me.  So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).

It is no way to live.

I wouldn't speak up.  It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking.   I would never lead ANYTHING.  It made me nervous just to participate.   There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head.  When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H,  Huge deal.  I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate.  My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.

It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out.  I wasn't who I appeared to be.  I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair.  I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes.  (That's another entire issue there)  I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.

It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.

How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?

For me it was therapy.  And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment.  I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off.  I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food.  And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began.  I didn't even know that's what I was doing.    What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head.  I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.

And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy.  I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church.  But it is all one and the same.

You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}

At the core of spirituality and therapy is love.  It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back!  Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm,  oh yeah, that's fear talking.  And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again.  In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw.  But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.  

It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.

I Never Thought Therapy Would Lead to Increased Spirituality

From Geneen Roth:
The other day someone asked me if there is a difference between spirituality and therapy. This is a question I often am asked. And the answer is yes and no. No because we can't divide ourselves in little segments. Every part of us is related to every other part, and so any work we do on the therapeutic level (our past, our wounds) affects every other part of us. I can't even imagine where or who I'd be without the--count them!--more than thirty years I spent in therapy. 

And yes because their focus is somewhat different. In my book The Craggy Hole in My Heart, I wrote that: With a therapist, you have direct experiences of being your best self--loved, strong, worthy, whole. With a spiritual teacher, you have direct experiences of being the space in which that best self manifests. With a therapist, you learn that you are loved. With a spiritual teacher, you learn that you are love itself.

Love this!

I believe in therapy one thousand percent.  I needed to find out what my wounding was.  I had a hole of not loving myself for who I was. I did not feel like I could speak up for myself.  I was a people pleaser.
And I was not aware of this to the extent of how it affected my life!  I thought it was normal to be anxious day in and day out and to stay fearful of most of life's activities.  I thought it was normal to stay in place and react to life and people instead of going out and living my own life.

And then therapy came along.  And it was painful and wonderful and exhausting and eye-opening.  And I found God!  I really truly wasn't expecting that.

I think because my spirituality was hidden and suffocating in Religion.  Now I know better!!

My image of God was distant, judgmental and out there.  Now I understand, God is within.  God is LOVE.  And it has taken a while to change the tracks of what I have believed for so many years.

I love the distinctions Geneen makes in these paragraphs and furthermore, I understand them up close and personally.

Thank you Geneen!

What does Resurrection really mean?

I taped a The Best of Oprah Show with Marianne Williamson.  It sat in my DVR for a while.  And then something pushed me to watch it.  I was about to delete and bam - out comes mention of resurrection.

Whaaaaat?

Marianne Williamson - new age spiritual guru mentions resurrection?  (My idea of who she is does not fit in with this but....I am wrong!)

And yet this is the BEST kind of resurrection I have heard of!

My religious baggage makes me so uncomfortable about "Jesus" talk or what I would call old school bible teachings.  This would include talk of blood, sin, calvary, Armageddon, the devil, to name just a few topics off the top of my head.  In this type of Bible teaching,  I heard judgement, judgement, judgement.  I have been judging myself unmercifully for forty-five years, I do not need any more talk of telling me what is wrong with myself.  I need to hear what is right.  I need to hear that God made me perfect as I am.  And that is the divine within.  Recognizing the divine within, the gig is up, it is all about LOVE.

ALL ABOUT LOVE!

Yes, I was screaming that.

Now back to Marianne on my DVR, she is saying a lot that is making so much sense but then I catch this little bit that blows me away:  "The meaning of the word resurrection is the mind lifting up into a new kind of thinking."  She speaks of the Grace of God and that grace allowing us to switch from the victim modality, "this is so terrible" (and for me, I'll never get over this, whatever this is) to one of healing ourselves.   Changing the track that our brain and mind usually play out.

A new kind of thinking.

Yes, she's talking about mindfulness. My favorite subject.  {smile}

Jesus wasn't trying to judge us.  He was trying to show us how to love.  Love ourselves and each other.  During the process of learning to love myself, I just naturally love others in the process, even those who drive me crazy.   When you feel that spark of divine within, you are drawn to give it away.

Somehow I listened to that little intuition that I needed to watch that show.  I needed to hear this.  This idea of resurrection changes not just the track of my brain but it confirms the changes that I'm made in the track of my life.  It reconfirms so many lessons.  So many different people from different walks of life but saying the same idea, in different language, in different ways.

Namaste!

A John Donohue Blessing

The Irish in me fell in love with this poem...from my Sunday Morning class' latest book.

From John O'Donohue as printed in Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong

A Blessing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here and that quickens your soul with wonder.
May you have the courage to befriend your eternal longing.
May you enjoy the critical and creative companionship of the question "Who Am I?" and may it brighten your longing.
May a secret Providence guide your thought and shelter your feeling.
May your mind inhabit your life with the same sureness with which your body belongs to the world.
May the sense of something absent enlarge your life.
May your soul be as free as the ever-new waves of the sea.
May you succumb to the danger of growth.
May you live in the neighborhood of wonder.
May you belong to love with the wildness of Dance.
May you know that you are ever embraced in the kind circle of God.

Yes, I Have Big Breastseses!

Oprah was recently on MY

New Orleans Book Signing with Andy!

Andy Cohen's "What What Happens Live" show while she was promoting "The Butler."  I really enjoy Andy and several shows on the Bravo network. One thing that he does do is question his guests often about physical attributes especially regarding  plastic surgery and puts the focus on appearances.  This is where my desire to love myself as is, is in direct conflict with watching this programming.  I try to compartmentalize this issue.  But when Oprah came on, the physical issues hit the spiritual.  The following transpired on the show 

The late night host asked Winfrey what she thought about her Butler costar Terrence Howard's comment about her "tig ol' bitties.'"

"It really is okay because they really are big," Winfrey said. "The other day I went, 'God, are y'all getting bigger?' These are my grandmother's -- she's with me."

Cohen later joked, "Not only does she have a bountiful garden, she has bountiful . . . " Winfrey quipped, "Breastseses!"

Oprah embraced her girls and it was a powerful moment for me.

To hear this exchange was relieving.  Oprah is a spiritual pilgrim and has led me to so many ahas through interviews with her spiritual teachers.   She is an amazing teacher and conduit.  She embraced mindfulness and spirituality years ago and tried to bring it to the masses but we were not ready.  All I know is I'm ready and open now.

And I have big breasts and much of the time I don't like them.  They get in the way and they bother me.  But they are mine.  They are a part of me.  And my mother has big breastseses too!  And if Oprah can laugh about it, I can lighten up!

You can laugh about having big breasts and be a spiritual pilgrim at the same time.

Oprah also joked about when she was little how she was scared of the enormity of her grandmother's bosom and how when she embraces children she makes sure to do it delicately.  I have to do the same with my own children.

Here's to large breastseses!  May I continue to accept their bounty and may I continue to accept me, as I am.

Bit by Bit We Are Growing Up!

This past week, I was sitting in my gynecologist's office while the kids went to aftercare.  While waiting for the doctor to come in, I checked my email.  And to my surprise was my first ever email from Riley using her school email account.

It immediately brought tears to my eyes.

And then the nurse walked in at that moment to take my blood pressure again and it was still slightly high.  Oh well.

The next day I heard a quote from Frederic Buechner along the lines of pay attention to those moments of tears and chills because that is the holy calling.

I just LOVE that!  To think five years ago I was scared of crying or any feelings and now I am able to find pleasure in them as holy moments and feel God's presence through them.  What a freaking turnaround of events!!

Also this past weekend, the whole family drove across the street to school to help my eldest decorate her locker.  Even the dog came with us.  We had to do it over the course of two days to go back and shop for a few more decorations.

I feel a special sort of happy that the whole family came together to get the job done.  I feel very blessed with our family unit.  Even through the quarreling, competition, cat fights and peeing on the carpet, we come together.  And that IS FAMILY.  It is not a perfect picture, it is not always smooth.  We get aggravated with each other, but we truly love each other deep down and keep moving forward...together.

The Soulful Seven Year Old Strikes Again...

After tasting nearly all of the 65 flavors of Coke.

I am adjusting to the new summer routine.  Yesterday was our first day of summer vacation not being on a summer trip.  We got out early to pick Annie the dog up from boarding which turned into dog walking (in the heat, hello summer!), dental appointments, lunch, speech therapy appointment, impromptu inaugural visit to our club pool, supper and by 8pm, I announced my intention of taking a break from being "Mom."  They abided by my wishes but requested tuck in and kiss at bedtime and I agreed.

I visited Mallory's room first, and the spritely sage forthrightly says, "There's never a time you aren't our mom."

She always speaks the truth except when it comes time to clean.

And in that precious moment, how much more can I love this little one (or the other bigger little one?)

The imprint on my heart was deepened once again by my soulful seven year old.

Love this picture even with my lobster and bib in it.

She then pipes up and says you just need to say you need "Mom-ity" time.  This is their way of requesting individual time alone with me.

I said that is a wonderful idea and perfect way to say what I need.

Thank you, thank you very much.

I have come such a long way.  I really understand now that I am teaching them how to take care of themselves by taking care of myself.  I may hear much from them about how I'm on FB right now, but one day when they are older, I can explain it was my link to the outside world.  Their father and I chose for me stay at home and FB is my water cooler.  Now, is their chiding about FB a reminder to be present, yes, annoyingly so.  And the more I take care of myself with momity time, the more I can be present.

Divine Timing in the Ladies Room

I tried a new Spiritual discipline tonight completely and utterly by chance.  Prior to that, I had walked out of my current Sunday evening study and felt heart heavy.

My goal attending this particular evening class is to use it as practice for speaking up.  I have never felt brave enough to speak my thoughts in these types of mixed settings.  The vibe in this class though is very different from the ones that I have been deliberately choosing to change my image of God.  Most classes I have been in of late, have been swathed in spiritual oneness, and compassion and have been healing my religious wounds by leaps and bounds.  I have never had one snarky comment made towards me.

Well, that occurred tonight.  The trick about speaking up is that your words can come back at you in positive or negative ways.  I could continue to remain passive and just listen but  I really want to grow through this, yet growing requires uncomfortableness.

And I am growing RIGHT NOW.

In contrast to Sunday nights class, I attend a class at our Spiritual Formation Center on Sunday mornings and I felt at home from the first visit on.   I don't ever want to leave.  After months of speaking up, I was called out for being a "Spiritual Pilgrim."  These people speak my language and are having the same aha's I have been having.  When I hear people express the very same thoughts that I have had, it is so affirming.  It is exactly the opposite of what I felt leaving my class Sunday night.

We ended early, I ran into the bathroom and one of my favorite spiritual teachers happened to be in the stall next to mine. She invited myself and the other bathroom inhabitant to participate in Taize.

Hmmm.    My stomach turned slightly.  This is brand new and I had never experienced it.  Uncomfortable.   I asked how long it would take.  Twenty minutes, which would have me leaving at the same time as the study normally did.

Perfect timing.

I must GO FOR IT.

On this night with my heavy heart, I came into our conference room whose floor is a labyrinth and it was dimly lit with candles.   This meditative walk is an ancient practice used by many different faiths for centering, contemplation and prayer.  One walks slowly on the path while quieting the mind and focusing on a spiritual question or a prayer and stops in the center to sit, kneel or pray and then walk out the path once again.

As I walked the heaviness of my heart dissipated.  I decided to repeat the mantra of, "woundedness out", "love in."  I practiced breathing that as well.  I breathed love in, and exhaled woundedness as I have learned in yoga.

This is exactly where I needed to be and the experience I needed to have to affirm God's presence in my life.

It was perfect divine timing in the ladies' room.

A Media Free Twenty Four Hours Plus Some

As part of my Sunday night Apprentice Series book study, the "soul training" assignment this week is to be media free for forty-eight hours.  The instructions are: no internet, television, newspapers, magazines, radio, video or music devices.  I started with 24 hours because I knew how difficult it would be to abstain.   The purpose is to show how sexually saturated the media is.  But that is not what it really did for me.

I am aware because I have two young girls.   Any show I sit down to watch with my ten year old, it is painstakingly obvious how much sexual innuendo there is even with sitcoms with children in the cast.  I have watched "Dancing With The Stars" where spray tans and costumes comprised of bikinis are the norm and I have become accustomed to it.  I know that magazines are photoshopped and this is what my girls will aspire to look like, an ideal that doesn't exist.  Female celebrities are critiqued endlessly for their weight gain or loss, etc.  The list goes on and on.

And I am aware because my self worth was boosted in part from my looks and other external forces while I was growing up.

"Miss Representation" is a great documentary of how women are portrayed in the media and it's not good.



I didn't watch the whole 2 hours because it felt overwhelming that I could make any impact.   I need to challenge myself to speak up more with my own children.  Learning to have a voice now in my forties, means that I have to actually SHARE what I learn with my own children.   This is unfamiliar territory yet I continue to practice, practice, practice.

Within the first two hours of my media ban, I began paying attention to all the thoughts in my head which is something as you know, dear reader,  that I do anyway.  Yet, it is so much easier to hear with silence.  Friends that I needed to contact, as well as activities that I needed to do popped in my head.  I began to really look forward to chats with my best friends and interacting with another adult at an appointment.   I wanted human contact!

As I ran errands on a particularly heavy rain day, I watched the weather radar in my car because I needed video stimulation!  The silence in the car was deafening.  No Oprah radio or music to lighten my day.

After six of my twenty four hours passed, I watched a "Housewives" show while I ate lunch.  I needed companionship!   I proceeded media free after lunch.  On Day 2, I decided to keep going, yet on the way to lunch with a friend, I turned on Oprah Radio in the car.  I was meant to cheat because it was a Classic Soul Series with Rev. Ed Bacon, Elizabeth Lesser and sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman.  They are some of my favorite people.  They were talking about spirituality and sexuality.  Can you say apropos?

This assignment has been interesting.  I miss Facebook less that I thought.  I miss TV on in the background at home as well as music in the car more.  The biggest consequence is that I am reminded I don't want to be told what to do anymore.  My journey of authenticity and learning to listen to my own voice and let go of others' opinions has taken hold!  

Yet,  I have been reminded that disconnecting is good.  When I am quiet, I will eventually hear God's voice.  Deepak Chopra who has meditated every day for the last forty years knows what he is talking about.

And perhaps I could get by with less TV. {grimace}

I am thankful I tried the experiment.  The girls will be thankful that they can listen to music in the car again.  I will be too!  Though, every now and then, we can turn it off and learn to be silent.  I am excited about exposing them to this lesson at their age.  I am equally excited for myself!

Saint or Sinner?

On an episode of Super Soul Sunday, Oprah interviewed Iyanla Van Zant.  She acts as a healer yet with a completely different style than I was taught in graduate school.  She is actually a trained lawyer and not a therapist.  She calls and "thing" a "thing" and is quite enthralling but in my day the client would have run away, but this is TV.   I loved this physical demonstration of giving things over to God. It struck such a chord in me.  This first picture is how most people feel when they are told to give it all up to God.  This is a position of fear and shame.  You are a sinner, and you must do better.

This photo represents as it should be. "I give myself over to you God, take me I am yours, I greet you with excitement and LOVE!"

Wow, what an amazing difference.

With baby steps, I am turning towards this welcoming pose of God.  Baggage is being removed slowly and surely as I see and feel the light, and the love. And the shame is receding.

Recently in a book study with our new pastor at my church, the chapter suggests that instead of calling ourselves sinners, we should follow the mantra, "I am a Saint."  There were some who spoke up immediately and were tripped up because they do not want to give up the sin label.  I fully embraced the notion of being a saint at first.  I was enthralled by it so much that I sent a long email to the pastor which I would never have done in the past.  But a few days into the week, that way of thinking fell to the wayside.  I forgot.

It takes a long time to rewire the thinking process.  I see it happening bit by bit and I celebrate when it happens.  There was a great quote that said "You don't know you are there until you ARE there."  One day I will feel more like a saint than a sinner and on that day I will call it a "thing" because it will feel monumental.

I think I will post a note on my dashboard and mirror to remind myself of my sainthood daily.  I think it will help to have that in my face reminder.  We will see.

Being in the Right Place at the Right Time

Yesterday in my car I caught a short blip on Oprah's Soul Series with Elizabeth Lesser. These are moments that I have been experiencing quite often lately when I know I was supposed to hear just that message from the universe. In this case, two authors, one a neuroscientist, the other a therapist describe how God changes your brain. Newberg, MD and Waldman conducted scientific studies, and tested brainwaves of all kinds of people with all kinds of beliefs. I was riding along la ti da and bam, this is what I hear: They described how fundamentalist beliefs which can give you comfort also make your overall outlook more angry, fearful and judgmental. But those who contemplate a loving God rather than a punitive God, have less anxiety, depression and increase their feelings of security, compassion and love.

Wow! It was so very specific to my listening ears! Scientific evidence of the feelings that I have had over the last 2-3 years but never put together in this concise way and my ears tingled as they spoke specifically about fundamentalist beliefs.

At a retreat a few years back, I met with a minister and we discussed that I needed to change how I viewed God because he felt out "there" and I have been intentionally working towards this. Even further, I had to work up the courage to make the appointment to sit with the pastor in the first place. I had not felt worthy of taking up her time. If I heard someone say that to me about themselves now, it would make me sad. I know I have come a long way and yet I aldo know I hope to continue the unlearning for years to come.

For years now, I have had to move past my exposure to God being presented as THE judge, that I needed to be saved from hell (and a walk down a church aisle could do that trick in an instant!), as well as talk of the devil, armageddon, etc. And I even grew up Methodist which could be one step away from Unitarianism, but it was a tiny church and there was much intermingling with a tiny Baptist church. As time passes, I have become more open, less judgmental and feel so much more secure with my own beliefs. But it all began with the first recognition that what I heard in the past did not sit well with me and that there was another way. If I had had more esteem I probably would have walked away from the church for good but I was too scared I would go straight to hell. Now I will spend the rest of my life embracing love over fear. That is what really works for me now.

I don't have time to read every book that interests me because there are so many, thus when I catch a little nugget of information like this that pertains so particularly to me, I am so thankful and in awe, that I heard exactly what I needed to hear especially when I didn't even know I needed to hear it. I am open to hearing from all sources now to heal myself. Namaste.

Happy New Years 2012!!

2011 is coming to an end and it has been all over the place. Highs and lows and I'm learning to be present in the moment, feeling my feelings whether I like them or they scare me or not. Nurturance right now is my key especially with GaGa's condition.

Yesterday, I did some things that helped move me along my journey, with slight risk. I listened to my intuition and decided to attend a neighborly coffee that I was invited to thus canceling my massage appointment (known nurturance.) I had hired a babysitter because George was on call and I knew I needed some down time to myself with the girls out of school. The invitation was to an annual Christmas Coffee and it spoke of enjoying the "BALM" and a friend sharing inspirational thoughts of this wonderful season! Well, that scared me. What does BALM mean? All of my fundamentalist baggage hairs were raised. I am scared to be around people who spout "Jesus talk" and it is not because I don't believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I just like action instead of words. And the more words I hear of a certain tone, it feels like it is for show. I'm beginning to understand that we all have baggage and it manifests in different ways. The "Jesus talkers" probably never heard much about Jesus growing up so they spout it to make sure everyone is able to hear it. I heard it too much in ways that scared me and instilled fear.

Well, the first thing I did was call the hostess to inquire. I would have never done this in the past, I would just not have gone. It ends up that I had had contact with this person a few random times, and I finally figured out exactly who she was and she lives several houses down ON MY street. After, talking with her, I knew I should go.

There were several other ladies from my children's school. I walked in and immediately knew several people. The BALM talk was exactly what I needed to hear. The speaker was an Licensed Professional Counselor which is what I used to be and still am at heart I am realizing. The talk was funny and was all about nurturing one's self. It's looks like this was the <------- best decision by that smile.

Upon greeting a Dunham acquaintance , she inquired how was Christmas? I was too honest and knew I had overdone it. So later, I took another risk and went back and told her what was going on in a more appropriate manner and she understood. Later, she posted a message to me on FB which was a little love tap and I hold those dear to my heart.

Running some errands which included a stop to get Lady GaGa's latest CD, I ran into "my" Physics professor. On New Year's Eve, I knew this was a sign from the universe for the new year! I ran and gave him a hug and he was happy to see me and I him.

This was the song of GaGa's that I had really been wanting to be able to listen to in my car on demand. God makes no mistakes. We are all superstars. I needed to be able to hear the non-chipmunk version even though hearing a Chipette say boudoir makes me smile!!

Best wishes for 2012 to you, loyal reader!

Consciousness

Again today, I am still feeling blah. I kicked George out of the spare room as he is studying for his Board exam on December 8th which comes around every ten years. I decided to watch tv and fold the massive amounts of laundry that were waiting. I didn't get very far because I had something pull me out of my blahness and into motion.

The spare room is where I have 17 of Oprah's Life Classes on the DVR which are excellent. But what was on live on the OWN channel was Super Soul Sunday which I also tape and it is 3 hours long every Sunday. I have yet to make it through one of these shows as I have to take them in bits because I have to be open to chew on them.

Yet today when I find Oprah talking to the Reverend Ed Bacon, Pastor of All Saints Episcopal Church, I knew I wanted to hear what they were saying. I had heard him on her Soul Series and I was immediately drawn to his message. His church is a liberal activist Church where Jesus is taught as the Savior and Son of God, and what is emphasized more than the dogmatic and doctrinal issues of Religion, is the connection with God, the Spirit, the Cosmos (!), other people and connection with your deepest self.

Hello.

This woke me up from my funk. It is music to my ears. No dogma or doctrine, it boils down to love. Jesus' message was love, not fear. And when you get connected to your deepest self, you want to turn around and love others. This is God in us.

Oprah talks to Reverend Bacon about a time in 1998 when she was taping a show with Caroline Myss about consciousness. This is what Ms. Myss said about Consciousness that it is "Becoming aware of why we say what we do, why we think what we think. And it is a very challenging part of our lives.”

I am enthralled to hear a neat packeaged definition of what I have been doing these last few years. I have been becoming conscious. Evolving is another description. I evolve yet still watch the Bravo Housewives. Keeping it real.

So Oprah asks how Rev. Bacon defines Spirituality and he says, "the Experience of feeling unconditionally LOVED. So much, so powerfully that you know that there is some power greater than you are, loving you. This love that you are experiencing is coming from a great power and it is filling you so much you want to love other people. "

I get that, I really get that. But it takes time to overcome our pasts, and look at the hard stuff but it is so worth the journey. I had a "normal" childhood but it was not without it's shortcomings. I didn't know that I didn't have a voice. I speak up now as opposed to shrinking away but there has to be a decision about what is important and "picking my battles." Now I connect with my husband, children, and friends in a deeper and more profound way. I drag George along on this journey. I have felt so comfortable in my skin for the last months even though there have been very stressful life events going on. That is an incredible phenomenon and I want to keep moving forward... consciously.

Less fear, more love. That should be a commercial on tv.