It's Quiet In The House

 We lost 2 beloved pets within two weeks.  A rescue kitty whom had graced us with her presence for fourteen years and whom my younger daughter had come to adore in the last two years.   Eleven days later, we had to put our rescue Beagle of ten years down. 

The ends of their lives were not pretty.  For months I wanted to write about aging pets but never did. The way they were slowing down bit by bit and the circle of life.  It is hard to make the decisions when the time come.  This was my third cat and first dog.  Making the decision on the second cat five years ago was brutal, it brought up past grief as all loss does. I can picture the scene exactly and how emotionally draining it was to have to choose to snuff this life out.  My veterinarian was fabulous and took time to go through the whole process and talk quality of life.  He was kind, gentle and informative.  I talked to a lifelong friend who also worked with animals.  And then I had to do the deed. 

This time with more experience, decisions came more easily but still wrought with emotion.  Princess had stopped eating as her kidneys were shutting down and she had lost nearly half of her body weight.  Annie's cough had increased in frequency and duration.  It was a death knell and excruciating to hear.

My younger daughter came with me to the vet's office both times for the euthanizations. My husband had Covid the second time for our beagle and couldn't come.  We stayed for the sedation shot in the same room both times and it was a peaceful process with Princess.  Annie, as she relaxed began the horrible loud breathing noise that had recently begun as her lungs were congested with fluid.  Annie helped me to know, this too was the right time for her.

In the vets room, we cried and we told them our goodbyes.  I verbalized how much they meant to me, and laughed about the funny stuff.  Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion via Dolly Parton through Truvy in Steel Magnolias. 

I did know that it was time to let them both go. 

This is the first loss that my youngest daughter remembers and she is grieving.  We Facetimed with our college daughter to keep her in the loop as we made decisions.  She was able to say goodbye through video.  The family cohesiveness was reassuring.

A new normal has begun.  The house is especially quiet.  No more coughing, loud breathing, throwing up or pooping in the wrong places. No more running to make sure Annie goes outside as soon as she gets out the bed and staying on top of when she needed to go out again. We are putting away the many sets of stairs we had for Annie to access our couches as well as the food bowl and leash.  We are all adjusting. Brinkley, the mixed breed dog is adjusting.  He is a very emotional dog and loves George and as he was home with Covid, I think it helped Brinkley adjust to being the solo dog for the first few days. 

On Friday, when George went back to work, I walked without Annie for the first time in ten years.   I used to dread the walks when we first got her but over time, I love getting out.  I interact with neighbors and strangers. On so many occasions, neighbors or passerbys would comment because my arms were always stretched in the opposite directions, Brinkley, the swift one in front, and Annie, the elder lagging behind. At first she lagged behind for the sniffing, but then it was about age and lung capacity.  People would comment about how white her fur was and how old Annie looked.  (I felt those comments)  In the last weeks, we had to walk Annie shorter and shorter distances.  But this time, Brinkley and I could walk briskly.  Now there is only one treat to give out. I had to use treats a lot with Annie.  I had to touch her with her diminished hearing and wake her up and coax her to go outside and relieve herself, otherwise it would end up on my carpet.  She would look at me blankly like I was a crazy, and then she began moving, oh so very slowly.  I understood her slowness.  

Last weekend, before Annie moved on the great mystery, we made an abrupt decision and adopted another cat, nine days after putting Princess down. Of course, it was too soon but my rationalizations could not hold up against the wistful faces and desires of the other two humans that day.   It was too soon for Mallory, because she still misses Princess dreadfully.  I beat myself up over going through with it, but am letting it go.  The new kitty is all over Mallory and staying in her part of the house.  This is for new cat to adjust as well as make friends with Brinkley, who is very eager to make her acquaintance. She is beautiful, skittish, and slowly adventuring out.  New sightings are are so much fun. 

I am waiting patiently as Elizabeth lets me in to bond which Mallory very much wants to occur.  And yes, we are naming her Elizabeth... after Bennett of Pride and Prejudice and of course, the late Queenie, with many nicknames available. 

Mallory had told me that Elizabeth likes to visit her when she sits on the toilet (and when she is sleeping and studying).  So when Mallory is not here,  I use that toilet.  And bam, out comes Lizzie rubbing up against my legs. I am generally able to get a nice visit in by gentling swooping her up and petting her very generously. 

It was too soon to adopt her but I can see that this sweet blip of a presence is giving me life.  I am attuning to a flash of white and griege in my eyeline.   She is different from Princess and I am embracing that.  I am letting her be.  I cannot force myself on her.  I have to let her be who she is. 

I am affirming that for myself as well. 

I am letting go of some old ideas and embracing the new.  There are thought patterns I have to let go of that only cause me pain and the only way through is to feel them. Last night, I simply adored crying and petting Elizabeth all at the same time.  I was grieving the old and embracing the new and she didn't seem to mind at all. 

Pets are incredible. 

RIP Princess & Annie. We loved most every minute we had with you, minus the excrement in the wrong places.  You brought us joy, laughter and companionship for so many years. ❤️❤️

Namaste.  

Sitting With Hot Lonely Pain: It's A Spiritual Journey

So I have been partaking in Internal Family Systems therapy with my longtime therapist for the last few months.  I'm so glad she went to a conference and we began this new journey.  It is awkward, and uncomfortable but throwing me for a loop in the best possible way.  The theory is that we have parts of our personalities that sprang forward to take care of us since we were children (and continue today).  Life happened to us and we were overwhelmed and protective parts arose.  These parts are very connected to our woundings. 

My most active protectors are anxiety, sadness and eating. I know judgment and shame are in the mix but I don't know how they show up.  We begin by seeing which part is showing up in my body at the present time and then we kindly, compassionately, talk to the part and there is always another one waiting in the wings.  I have chest pain that appears as anxiety, I have sensation that starts in my chin and leads to my eyes for sadness.  My therapist tenderly asks questions like how do I feel about the anxiety?  Can sadness go to a a safe spot and let us talk to anxiety?  Does it know Adult Carolyn is here?  What age do you remember this showing up?  Whatever the parts want to do, is okay and met with gratitude and compassion.  With each question, we are teaching the wounded parts that there is an adult core (Self) of confidence, compassion, acceptance, calmness, wisdom, connectedness, and leadership that is in place and is ready to take over.  We are synthesizing the protective wounded parts with the core Self.  

And guess what that core self is?!

God. 

The Divine One.

One That I Want to Get to Know!

IFS therapy at this time in my life amazingly builds on other theories and spirituality that I have been exploring for years. One of my favorite therapist teachers, Mary O'Malley, has advocated for curiosity, compassion and kindness with ourselves. This stands out to stark contrast with the judgement and shame that I have heaped upon myself for decades.  The religion of my youth added to the self-criticism.  God was not a loving being, but a judging Santa Claus in the sky, whom I needed to be saved through Jesus in order not to be punished to Hell.  

I didn't want to get to know that God. Who would want that? 

The judging Santa Claus with a side of Jesus was the message I received and took to heart and it has taken two decades and counting to begin to rewire and transform my image of God. 

My life along with this therapy is a spiritual journey of being in the present moment, and for me to know God is inside each and every one of us.  The love of the Divine One is unconditional, and the Trinity. Oh the trinity!  I continue to heal with the Father, Son and HOLY SPIRIT in the mix.  There is a Divine Flow which has been around from the very beginning of creation of the World. (Thank you Father Richard Rohr!) This flow when I can rest in it, makes me feel connected to the entirety of creation, humans, plants, animals and includes those with whom I utterly politically disagree in our current most divided world.  You know that's some powerful stuff. 

It takes a long time to unlearn what was learned from the very beginning of our lives.   Spirituality is really about unlearning. One of my biggest teachers is emotions. 

Emotions overwhelm me (as they did in extreme form in Postpartum Depression). If I don't identify with them, attach to them, become them, they flow through.  (Different flow though!!)  

I know this mechanism well but I lose sight of it and then I remember again, and then I forget.  In my most recent therapy session earlier this week,  I very unexpectedly was taken back to the postpartum depression I had with my first child.  In past sessions, I have gone back and forth between sensations of anxiety and sadness in mere seconds.  In the last session, holding those two emotions this time, seemingly "out of nowhere," my mind went to my first postpartum experience.   I had fallen into a deep pit of despair, and volleyed back and forth between grief and overwhelming anxiety.  I hit bottom one night after months of struggling, when I finally started an anti-depressant.  That night, it ramped my anxiety up even further.   I did not sleep at all, and my overwhelming fear was that I needed to be carted off to a hospital and that my baby needed to be taken away.   The memory of this night and the postpartum depression, is still present in my body and I can call up the depth of the fear, isolation and utter despair easily.  

I felt so utterly alone and abandoned.  

My therapist and I address the Postpartum Depression experience lovingly and carefully during this session.  I attempt to recognize that my adult self is present.  When I answer the age question, it seems like I'm a teenager.  When finished, she tells me the Postpartum Depression is likely related to feelings of abandonment from early on.  She told me to take special care of myself.  For days afterward, I felt the aftereffects of examining these parts in the form of mental exhaustion, irritability and sadness.  I felt blah, I really wanted comfort.  Not so long ago, my therapist and I had discussed looking at anxiety head on and not avoiding it.  I was having chest pains, with the pandemic and my daughters going back to school.  My therapist would ask, how do I feel about the anxiety?   I began to feel edgy towards her which I have never done.  I'm freaking terrified, of a heart attack right now is how I feel.  After the session,  I did a little research into heart attacks, because you know, I had too(!) and as I had gone through cardiac testing before, I knew the chest pain was anxiety.  I sat with that knowledge and when I began to feel the anxiety again, I thanked it for working to take care of me, for showing up and that Adult Carolyn had this.  

And the chest pain went away.  

I know it will come again, and I will forget but ultimately,  I plant to practice gratitude, kindness and compassion towards the anxiety over and over.     

So, here I was again, days after exploring postpartum in my last session. I don't like it, I want to escape it and I want it to GO AWAY.    I talk to a friend.  I look things up on the internet.   Somehow I come across this video of Glennon Doyle.  It is a 23 minute Master Class in being with the pain while laughing.  She comes on very strong, but hold on for the ride.   

She gets my pain.  She is saying this stuff out loud and people respond to her.  I respond to this. 

She and Pema Chodron both say: "If you can sit with the hot loneliness of pain for 1.6 seconds, when yesterday you could only sit for 1 second, that is the Journey of the Warrior."

Glennon continues: "When we transport ourselves out of our hot loneliness, we miss our transformation. And everything we need to become ourselves is in that hot loneliness".... "the pain teaches us what we need to know."

This is spirituality like I never knew before whereas the judging God of my youth would never evolve to knowing how much I'm loved, how I am at one with the entire universe and knowing the peace that surpasses all understanding. 

With the hot pain, also comes joy.  When you numb pain, you also numb everything else. 

So this crazy therapy is deep, deep spirituality at it's core and coming to know God and myself in ways I never ever dreamed of. 

Namaste.

Here is the Oprah's Super Soul Conversation featuring Glennon Doyle Melton.

Yellow Kitchen Gloves & A Mask (The Great Louisiana Flood of 2016)

I still feel a little nauseous at the thought of food this morning.  And yet, I am in a cool, dry, safe air conditioned home and so very many in South Louisiana are not.  The number of gallons of water that fell in one week in South Louisiana was 6,900,000,000,000.  Tens of thousands of homes were flooded and need to be stripped before mold begins growing.  Yesterday, I went for the first time to a flooded area and it will stay with me for quite a while.  The devastation has ripped across South Louisiana and it is going to take quite some time to recover.  Stress is palpable as is good will.

My older daughter and I had a National Charity League meeting which happened to be at our church yesterday morning.  For the last week, everyday through my Facebook feed,  I have seen the exquisite needs of so many people, from rescuing out of homes, to now the necessity of houses needed demo'ing.  And it can be overwhelming to see the volume of need for the sensitive soul that I have come to understand that I am.  I read that one focus of the many of my church this Saturday morning was on Hope Community United Methodist Church on Evangeline Street in north Baton Rouge. This seemed like a logical step for me as it was not far from where I would be.  I wrote a blog a month ago about stepping out of my comfort zone helping with home repair after the shooting death of Alton Sterling in the northern part of the city and the hug that I received from the homeowner.  I have wondered if North Baton Rouge is going to be left out during this recovery.  Resources are just not the same.

I invited one of Riley's friends who was at the meeting to go with us.  I'm not sure if she will ever go with me anywhere again!  We made our way to the church on streets with the tell-tale large piles of flooded home contents along the way.   We began to see a familiar face or two from our church, found our lead pastor who told us to find Tom Edd.  We found him and learned he is one of the pastors and said we MUST have masks and gloves.  Riley and I broke three masks between us because they were inexpensive and I felt guilty for that because it had been hard to find them.  We got suited up and it was explained that much of what was going on now was heavy lifting but that a freezer and refrigerator needed cleaning out now before conditions worsened.  We were in the daycare area of the church and our first task was to remove large blue mats used for napping and I knew the girls could handle that so I tackled the freezer.

The sight and smell of this area and the visual of the brown liquid (sewage mixed in?)  and flying bugs of the freezer will stay with me for a long time.  Bit by bit with small blue buckets, I removed the soggy contents of this overturned deep freeze and took them outside to "our dumpster."  The trick was to get things in there without the brown liquid slinging on myself or others.   After a while, two more friends from church appeared and we began to work in tandem.  My yellow kitchen gloves were wet on the inside and out, and I didn't want to touch anything but what we were removing.  The heat of an August summer day in Louisiana wasn't so terrible as we were mostly in the shade of the building but my nose and mouth inside the mask was hot.  And after a while, I could feel my nose dripping.  There was a feeling of not being able to breathe.  I began to feel a little nauseated after removing all of the contents of the freezer and took a break.  I pushed the mask up to feel like I could breathe, but then the stench overtook me and back in place it went.  We began removing bins of heavy wet papers and balanced on chairs to get the contents of the bins into the tall dumpster.  A few doors down, the girls were helping Mrs. Woods who ran the daycare to clean out an office.  Every few minutes, I began to feel overwhelmed in the heat and the smell and knew that after an hour and a half, I could not stay much longer.  Time stood still in this place of God.   Every minute seemed like five.  I also worried that my child would never go with me anywhere again when I asked.  She has a terribly keen sense of smell that I knew was being overpowered as was I.

It was time to move on, and we tried to find a place to wash our hands and did.  Mrs. Woods was in there with her two co-workers.  It has taken me a long time to learn how to speak up when the occasion calls for it.  I wanted to tell them what a great job they were doing and lift them up just a small bit in this time of devastation.  This is what my heart saying but it doesn't come out of my mouth.  I told the ladies that I was so sorry they were flooded.  As I began to try to use my words to say what a good job they were doing, one by one they stopped what they were doing and walked across the room and hugged me.  They hugged Riley and Cooper.  We each said, "God Bless You."  And we all carried on.

There seems to be a thing with me trying to "help" others and receiving hugs in the process.

Namaste.

If you want to support relief efforts, my home church is one of many leading the charge and any money you send will go 100% to recovery.

http://www.firstmethodistfloodrelief.org

Do I Deserve An Inground Swimming Pool?

I have not written many posts this year.  Sad face. What's up with that? I miss it.
And Liz Gilbert said unused creativity is not benign.  Hmm.  I believe I do have the creativity in me, and I need to write down when the thoughts pop in my head because if I don't, they are now GONE!  I love, love, love to work out life writing this blog.

Today's missive revolves around the project that has been going on at my house for the last few months.  We decided to build an inground pool back in August.  The fact that we had an above ground pool for 5-6 years might have indicated that we would use one.  We only toyed with the idea of putting one in off and on over the years.

There was a small (destructive) voice inside of me that said, I was not worthy of a pool.

My view on December 27th, 2015

That same voice said we shouldn't buy a BMW or other "fancy" car.  I had a hard time buying our last vehicle which happened to be top of the line.  Something about a pool or expensive car says excess. Or is it that I'm not worthy?

It's interesting to pay attention to the thoughts around this.  And I have learned that I have for years told myself stories about my worthiness which were not true.  And I am cracking open those thoughts slowly but surely.  It's not easy work of course, but evolving never is.

But this time we went for the pool.  Refinanced and upped our mortgage a bit, and away we go.

First "spa" experience on 12/10/15

And after a few months of much mess and noise of digging, rebar, gunite, more concrete, plaster, banging, sawing, hammering, decking,  etc. the fantastic pool and roof area is finished.   The whole family (including reclusive teenager) swam on Christmas Eve! It was 75 degrees outside and we only had to heat the pool around 15 degrees.  And we swam again the day after Christmas and yesterday.  Although I have watched this process very intimately and worked with all of the different workers, I still can't believe we have a pool!!  I have looked at this site every day intimately and discussed issues with all of the workers of different specialties.  And I still can't believe we have a pool!  Being able to swim in it these last few days, and getting to know how it feels is phenomenal.

This is our backyard!

Mallory said it feels like a neighbor's yard and I concur.

And I'm going to enjoy every moment of it, including cleaning the blasted leaves out of the pool!

Namaste.

We Suffer and That's Okay

A friend posted this on FB and it struck me.  So here it is.

This is true everyday but especially for me now during Christmas - too much to do.


"The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, 'What am I practicing?' Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom. Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay. And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along." ~Jamie Greenwood

Belief

Yes!  

This is true.

What you believe, you will become.

I have always lived with fear.

Fear in every thought.

And every thought was so small.

Learning to live with HEART and LOVE now.

Slow painstaking process.

Makes all the difference in the world though.

Namaste.

Deep Stuff That You May or May Not Be Interested In, But Rocks My World

"If you respect your own emotions and regard them with affection and a lack of judgment, and if you persist in allowing yourself to feel those emotions and to let them move ever deeper, you shall find that the gift begins to bear fruit as you feel yourself becoming more spacious within, more responsive to the deeper emotions. You will find that you are an alchemist turning disharmony into harmony, fear into love, darkness into light. It is a natural process and it begins with the disharmony, with the darkness. Such are the ways of spirit.
And that is why we say that things are perfect at all times, although they may be uncomfortable. Do not cringe away from your suffering, but rather cradle yourself as you endure through the natural process of the alchemy of the transforming energy, of the love in your open heart."

From "The Law of One" Books.
Never heard of them but this was a quote I saw and 

From someone who is learning to process every feeling that comes my way - this is so absolutely true.  From fear to love.  From the unbearableness and freaking uncomfortableness of it all to open heart. From dark to light. 

Namaste.

The Unceasing Judging of Ourselves and Making It Stop!

I recently volunteered to serve at a Mother's Tea for second grade at school.  I have attended two of these teas on the receiving end and it is a sweet, sweet event.  By the time I got there... I was very happy to serve.  (You know the party that you don't want to go to, but in the end you have a great time!)  Several moms and teachers thanked those of us who served. As we were walking to our cars, a Facebook acquaintance said something to the effect that she sees me volunteering a lot.  And in my head I immediately downplayed anything that she might have noticed that I have done, and thought, it wasn't really that much.

And then I remembered she is a single mom who is busting it, to try to spend quality time with her kids around working and providing.  And she is judging herself for not being able to volunteer more or be with her kids more.  And I'm judging myself saying that I don't volunteer enough, I should do more (and... that it doesn't look perfect enough.)

Now, I am speaking as a woman and a mom, why are we so hard on ourselves?  But yet further, it really doesn't matter why- because I just want to stop the judgement!

In that moment after I questioned the veracity of this friend's statement,  I decided, LET ME TAKE IT IN!!  (Huge moment!)   I glowed in it for a few seconds. I acknowledged to myself,  I do a lot with my kids, volunteer and otherwise.  (And this friend does too!)  And volunteering has been on my mind a lot lately.

Our conversation them morphed into a heart to heart about God providing what we needed, but not necessarily looking exactly like what we were praying for.   Wet stuff started coming out of my eyes because I have found this to be so true and this was a Holy Spirit moment (or the universe rising up to meet you whatever works for you!)  I'm so glad that I didn't fight her acknowledgment and I allowed it to soak in and our conversation went on.

For some reason, as women, we get a message that we are never enough: we don't look perfect or thin enough, we could be better mothers, spouses, daughters, friends, our houses need updating and are never clean enough, etc. etc.  There are endless ways we can criticize ourselves.  And that self- criticism seems to go hand in had with criticizing those around us.  Letting all of the judgement go is so freeing.

I have been learning to let the "oh so critical" thoughts go, baby step by baby step.  When a negative thought pops in my head, I first have to recognize it for what it is - fear.  All things boil down to fear or love.  And I'm all for love now baby! And this is critical - we can't change what we don't see.

AWARENESS IS THE FIRST STEP!

Until I mastered awareness, I couldn't even begin to dismiss it.  For example, I use to simmer for hours in thoughts that I'm not thin. ( I'm not even going to use the F word.)  But slowly, oh so slowly over time, I dismiss most thoughts within seconds.  And building this new belief system, the negative thoughts don't pop in my head nearly as much.

Yet there will be times, that something will occur (a trip to doctor's office and the official news that I have gained a few pounds) and that can set me back, but eventually I will get back to I am not my weight.   Or my other favorite: All will be well, even if it's not.

This takes a lot of practice. Intentionality. Over and over and over again.  The  negative thoughts took years to put into place.  It takes time to reprogram that voice to be loving.

I am very thankful for those words shared by this friend to me.  It is amazing what one simple statement did to my awareness!  I didn't know I needed to hear that.

Namaste.

Letting Go Of What's Broken, Part 1

I have read this sentiment before, probably several times over the last few years.  I'm learning that growth is learning the same lessons again and again over time and each time it seeps in just a little deeper into my soul.  I look at it as a spiral and going deeper into the spiral.

When it first happens that a truth of life (an aha) that I had previously experienced comes my way again, I think to myself, "Seriously, this point again?!  I've been here, done this!"  But now it's a little easier, the second, third, fourth, fifth time around…

There are important people in my life that I just need to let go. Let go of who I want them to be.




I have been trying very hard to push for something that doesn't exist in reality.  It's my idea of what a relationship should look like.  It does exist for others that I see around me but that is why there should be no comparing my life with another's life.   There's a saying about doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result.  Yes, that's where I am.  And it can be very painful.

Some people are hard to let go.

Or rather it's the idea of some people.

So what keeps me from letting go.  Is it FEAR?   It's not that I haven't had these same thoughts about certain people multiple times over the years.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Maya Angelou) It's taken years to embrace the fear of letting it be.  Fear of the unknown.  If I let go of this person or situation, what will my life look like?  Will it be empty and have a void?

(And I've been concentrating so much on that void off and on for years anyway, what would happen if I put that energy towards someone who was open and responsive?)

The path I see clearly now, is that I have to continue grieving and let it go.  But who wants to grieve?   Who wants to volunteer for pain?  Our western culture has so many ways, and compulsions to avoid the uncomfortable emotions.   I just don't believe in that anymore and I don't want to do that anymore.  And I'm learning to feel everything that comes my way.  The joy, the despair, the anxiety, the peace, the calm, the fear, anger, etc. etc.  I'm learning to think differently about those feelings when they come up and allow them to flow through.

Yet the amazing thing in my experience is that letting go, then gets me to the very thing I wanted and needed in the first place but from unexpected sources.  I wake up and think, this person is providing me with exactly what I needed.  It was here all along. Wow!

Dorothy, you had it in you all along.

I had to let go of the old (thoughts) and embrace the new.

And it's so magical. Love abounds where you had no idea it's possible.  It's shows up in unexpected faces and places.  It is rich and sweet.

Letting go of what's broken, is making me whole.

NAMASTE.

Just Let Go

Yes, yes, yes!

My First Red Carpet…

Recently, a good friend and I attended a Red Carpet Gala for a fabulously intimate downtown theatre.  What was the reason to make my introverted self buy a new outfit and get dressed up on a weeknight and drive downtown by myself?

Rick Springfield!

The last few years, I have been stepping out and doing all sorts of things I would normally not do.  I lived in fear. Before, I wouldn't have left the kids, I wouldn't have wanted to find a dress and deal with body image issues. I wouldn't have driven downtown. I would have worried about parking.  I would have worried if I was "good enough" to be there because I thought everyone else was "better" than me. All of those ideas are non-issues now, but they held me captive.  Those were the stories I told myself.



And this is what my soul journey is all about!  Letting go of what has held me captive.


Our night started out good, took an immediate downturn and then perked up, and ended spectacularly.  Before we even arrived to the venue, walking from the parking garage, I dropped my friend's phone and cracked the screen.  Not a good start.

I knew in that moment, I had to let it go because I wanted to enjoy the evening.  It was an accident.  After the shock, she had to let it go as well, it was her phone!  I offered to help pay for it, and she said she needed a glass of wine so off we went.  We started chatting with acquaintances.  It was still in the back of my mind but I pushed it back enough to let go and have a good time.  I had a small shame spiral the next day but it flowed through.

I knew a lot of people there and we enjoyed our pre-concert time.  There was a booth to take pictures with Rick cut outs and it was a raffle with the prize meeting Rick after the concert.








Guess who won?

In preparation for the concert, I dug out my one Rick Springfield Greatest Hits CD and checked out his autobiography called, "Late, Late At Night" and began reading and listening. His story was compelling.  I watched present day interviews when he became tearful talking about his life-long depression, suicide attempt and use of meditation, writing and the love of his family to survive.  This is my kind of rock star.  Tortured, vulnerable, talented and truthful.

I hadn't listened to any of his recent music since the 80's but started finding it on the web and was fascinated.  All day before the concert, I did my research.  I have to prepare before I go and refamiliarize myself with Rick and his current endeavors, including his newly releasing fiction book.
Up until yesterday, I still had two chapters left to read in his memoir and I put off finishing them.  I didn't want to say goodbye to Rick.  It was such a fun night of great music, dancing, and a thrilling chance to meet him.

I have now finished the book.  I have now written the blog.  And I can always reminisce about this great memory.  It will always be a great memory and the possibilities of what can happen when you step out of your comfort zone:  the good, the bad and the spectacular!

Sara Bareilles: Brave

This song is so good it makes me want to cry.  I love the words and I love the music!  It makes me think of Brene Brown too!

My Lesson On Anger from "Pretty Woman"

There's a scene in "Pretty Woman" where Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are in the bathtub and she has her legs wrapped around him.  He says the line that he spent ten thousand dollars in therapy to be able to say and that was "I was very angry at my father."

I took note of that line back in 1990 when the movie came out and it has stuck with me ever since. It would come up whenever I got angry at anyone or anything.  And I would spend many seconds emphasizing the word angry.  It would go like this. " I was very ANNNNGGGGRY."   In the last fews days, I was very ANGRY at someone.  And the anger turned to tears and I had a couple of sessions of ugly cries and then anger and back and forth over the last few days.  I really understand why people stick with their compulsions because the journey to heal is not for wussies.

But an aha has been coming about my anger.  I never really owned it.  Sure, I would rant and rave over the injustice of whoever or whatever it was but deep down...

I didn't think I deserved to be angry.

It was a mental mind game.  But I did deserve to be angry, I just had to detangle from the stories I have told myself that I am not worthy.   And separate and get some clarity from other people's stories that involved me.

As I'm allowing these feelings to work through, I pick up "The Artist's Way" (written by Julia Cameron) which is the workshop I'm taking this semester at church.  This is Chapter 3 which was my designated chapter to read this week.

Picking up this book and this chapter to read was God's hug for me.  I needed one and he gave it to me in this form and I'm grateful.

What stands out are the words....of the ENTIRE three paragraphs above.  I'm a people pleasing "nice" person, so I stuffed my anger, denied it, buried, blocked and hid it, etc.  But anger is there to show me my boundaries.  Again and again, it shows me my boundaries.

The last paragraph on anger:
"Sloth, apathy and despair are the enemy.  Anger is not.  Anger is our friend.  Not a nice friend.  Not a gentle friend.  But a very, very loyal friend.  It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves.  It will always tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests.     Anger is not the action itself.  It is action's invitation."

There is a reason that the line from a movie in 1990 stuck with me.  Anger is my friend and I am worthy to listen to it and use it appropriately.

A John Donohue Blessing

The Irish in me fell in love with this poem...from my Sunday Morning class' latest book.

From John O'Donohue as printed in Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong

A Blessing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here and that quickens your soul with wonder.
May you have the courage to befriend your eternal longing.
May you enjoy the critical and creative companionship of the question "Who Am I?" and may it brighten your longing.
May a secret Providence guide your thought and shelter your feeling.
May your mind inhabit your life with the same sureness with which your body belongs to the world.
May the sense of something absent enlarge your life.
May your soul be as free as the ever-new waves of the sea.
May you succumb to the danger of growth.
May you live in the neighborhood of wonder.
May you belong to love with the wildness of Dance.
May you know that you are ever embraced in the kind circle of God.

Bit by Bit We Are Growing Up!

This past week, I was sitting in my gynecologist's office while the kids went to aftercare.  While waiting for the doctor to come in, I checked my email.  And to my surprise was my first ever email from Riley using her school email account.

It immediately brought tears to my eyes.

And then the nurse walked in at that moment to take my blood pressure again and it was still slightly high.  Oh well.

The next day I heard a quote from Frederic Buechner along the lines of pay attention to those moments of tears and chills because that is the holy calling.

I just LOVE that!  To think five years ago I was scared of crying or any feelings and now I am able to find pleasure in them as holy moments and feel God's presence through them.  What a freaking turnaround of events!!

Also this past weekend, the whole family drove across the street to school to help my eldest decorate her locker.  Even the dog came with us.  We had to do it over the course of two days to go back and shop for a few more decorations.

I feel a special sort of happy that the whole family came together to get the job done.  I feel very blessed with our family unit.  Even through the quarreling, competition, cat fights and peeing on the carpet, we come together.  And that IS FAMILY.  It is not a perfect picture, it is not always smooth.  We get aggravated with each other, but we truly love each other deep down and keep moving forward...together.

Seven Pounds and a Palpable Shift

Monday morning I went to my primary care doctor for a regular wellness check.  I was weighed and I looked.  Some experts in intuitive eating advise not to look at the number, not to weigh every day.  I knew I had gained some weight because I could feel it in my clothes, but I found out in a hard number.  I went home, I was tired from our wonderful trip to New Orleans over the weekend.  I picked Annie up at the vet where she was boarded and took her for a walk.  I rested.  By late afternoon, the feelings of devastation gripped me.  I had gained seven pounds since my last doctors visit at the end of 2011.   This put me into a massive tailspin.

It's all I could think about for the next hours.   And the next day,  all I could think was, I don't know how to overcome this.  It is the opposite outcome of what I have been diligently trying to do.  I have been doing very hard internal work.  I have learned to feel my feelings which has not been easy whatsoever.  I have learned to have boundaries with people.  I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I am learning to accept other people for who they are.  And this goes on and on.  The ahas have been coming for several years now in so many profound ways.

I went to therapy.  I sat down and told her we had fertile ground to work with.  And then as the hour progressed, questions were asked, tears flowed and the message was received, my self worth does not depend on my weight.

Self worth does not depend on my weight.

I cried and let out the disappointment of the situation.  I cried about the shame.  I cried about the sadness.

After the so called "negative" feelings flowed through.  (And that is another topic - all feelings are okay, we determine them to be negative.)

As the tears dried...

A palpable shift occurred.


(Palpable: so intense so as to be almost touched or felt.)


Devastation magically turned into relief and tiredness.  Fighting the feelings takes more energy than allowing them to flow through.  I went about the rest of the day lightened.  My mood, my outlook and then energy returned to my body.  It was a freaking miracle.

All of the inner work I have done over the last four + years culminated in me believing that my feelings were acceptable but the facts in my head were not true.  I had to have some massive groundwork done to be able to walk away and have that much of a shift in perception and for it to stick.

My self worth as a person does not depend on how thin I am. This is not the message that I receive over and over again on a daily basis in our Western Culture but I can choose to change my thoughts and know that I am more than my dress size, house, car, jewelry, or any other external fact about me.

The feelings of inadequacy will come again, when my clothes feel tight, when I can't find something to wear or I just have a bad day.  I will again remind myself to let the feelings flow and redirect my thoughts.   I have been in therapy for a while, and I think there is something wrong with me because it's taking so long.  I have begun to let up on those thoughts because that is my ego talking.  I do know how incredibly beneficial it has been for me to be in therapy and this particular experience is the ultimate proof.

I believe that this weight gain will have positive ramifications.  This feels like a turning point.

(Thank you to one of my friends for using the words palpable shift when I described what happened!!)

It Just Takes Time...

Isn't it ironic how the state of your house reflects what is going on in your life personally?

This summer we undertook a major bath remodel and now things are progressing in that way where you continue to see things that need changing and the process goes on in smaller ways.

Once the Master Bath remodel decision was made, that was it, we are not going anywhere.  We have dug in and decided to make this our home for the next decade.  We got a new wood floor in our bedroom, the girls got new granite counters and mirrors in their bathrooms.  We are systematically changing out the fixtures throughout the house to bronze.  First it was door handles and this weekend, George changed out 57 door hinges.

And then, I begin to look at furniture.  I decided that the bright blue comfortable reclining chair and a half, does not fit the vision in the keeping room anymore.  George concurred and I began looking at fabrics.  I'm trying to match what is in the room already: flooring, paint, rug, couch and wall hanging.

The issue at hand is a large tapestry.  I bought it several years ago and I was quite proud of my purchase.  Designing my home space has moved from being daunting to quite exciting and challenging in a good way over the years.  Twelve years ago, the tapestry looked good.  Yet now I'm looking at the fabrics for the new chair and some of them are really appealing to me yet something is holding me back.  The ones I really like do not work with the whole room.

After I complained about "matching things", my designer finally suggests that I just need to take that tapestry off the wall.

That thought hadn't occurred to me.

What was once useful no longer works.

I thought the task of changing out 57 door hinges was herculean.  Counting the number that you need, getting to the store, and finding the "right" ones at the store.  George amazed me with drill in hand, how fast he changed out each one.   I was willing to put off this task for a long time because it was just too much, yet having all the parts match, looks so good.

A profound thought occurs...  Why have I always thought, "oh no, that's too much" before I think of the possibilities of taking action and saying "yes" first.  I have ALWAYS thought "I can't" before I have thought "I can."  For my whole life it seems I have operated from a place of no.  These NO thoughts have held me back and cluttered my brain with negativity for so long.  Yet, they are dissipating slowly and surely.

The tapestry is down and folded and will be donated.  The mission of finding just the right piece(s) has commenced.  One piece of art has already been bought and returned.  Upon walking out of the store with the second option, I glance up at the outside display, spotting just the right pieces and know that I will be back again to return what I just bought.

It takes time and practice to get it right, in the house and in the mind.

The Voice in My Head

I realize that when I write this blog, I tend to be self-congratulatory.  Over and over I want to write about these fascinating inner discoveries because to me they are (freaking) revolutionary.   It is like I am inventing the wheel over and over.  (An inner wheel that is!)  These truths are life changing for me bit by bit and my soul sings when I discover them.   When my soul sings I want to shout about it.  So I write about it here and pat myself on the back as I do so.  And this feels uncomfortable a little bit.

Because the voice in my head has never been nice to me.

I became part of an online group relating to Geneen Roth's book, "Women, Food and Love."  Geneen talks about the Voice that is the unrelenting negative dialogue that goes on in our minds.  I haven't really thought of it in this term, The Voice,  I just know I have been rewiring the hardwires in my brain so that my thought processes are different and more kind.

As I make these discoveries of truths about acceptance, love, intuition or judgement,  I want to shout it from the mountaintop or at least, put a new quote on FaceBook for other people to get "it."  Yet I know that when I post something it may resonate with a couple of others but the person I am most trying to reach or teach is myself.  These exciting discoveries begin and end with me for the most part.  My online group is fantastic because they are as deep into self-discovery as I am and at least one of them will understand the intricate nature of coming to grips with whatever issue is at hand.

I did learn about the voice in graduate school but not in the same terms.  I vividly remember one of the professors telling us about thought stopping techniques.  We slammed a phone book down to demonstrate stopping repetitive negative thoughts.  There must be a reason why this stuck in full detail in my mind.  It is amusing to me that I learned this when I was in my early twenties but didn't realize that I needed to use said techniques until I was in my early forties.

I think the biggest lesson that Geneen's work reminds me of again and again is to be kind to myself.  When I began to get in a funk or am stressed or find myself grazing in the kitchen, I stop and think how can I be kind to myself now?  What loving acts can I do now or tomorrow or this week that will be gentle and loving. That is the answer.  The harsh, critical thinking that I have done to myself over and over and over again for years has not worked and will never work.

The Voice in my head has tended to think that other people have the answers and are doing "it" better than I am.  I have put many people on pedestals thinking they knew more than I did. And then I spend time with one of these people, and then I discover they are human just like me and are struggling with their own issues.

I'm working hard to get rid of the pedestal all together.  Everyone is on a journey and has a story to tell.   Everyone is at a different level of evolvement.  I am on my own journey and bit by bit, the Voice is dying down.