The Voice in My Head

I realize that when I write this blog, I tend to be self-congratulatory.  Over and over I want to write about these fascinating inner discoveries because to me they are (freaking) revolutionary.   It is like I am inventing the wheel over and over.  (An inner wheel that is!)  These truths are life changing for me bit by bit and my soul sings when I discover them.   When my soul sings I want to shout about it.  So I write about it here and pat myself on the back as I do so.  And this feels uncomfortable a little bit.

Because the voice in my head has never been nice to me.

I became part of an online group relating to Geneen Roth's book, "Women, Food and Love."  Geneen talks about the Voice that is the unrelenting negative dialogue that goes on in our minds.  I haven't really thought of it in this term, The Voice,  I just know I have been rewiring the hardwires in my brain so that my thought processes are different and more kind.

As I make these discoveries of truths about acceptance, love, intuition or judgement,  I want to shout it from the mountaintop or at least, put a new quote on FaceBook for other people to get "it."  Yet I know that when I post something it may resonate with a couple of others but the person I am most trying to reach or teach is myself.  These exciting discoveries begin and end with me for the most part.  My online group is fantastic because they are as deep into self-discovery as I am and at least one of them will understand the intricate nature of coming to grips with whatever issue is at hand.

I did learn about the voice in graduate school but not in the same terms.  I vividly remember one of the professors telling us about thought stopping techniques.  We slammed a phone book down to demonstrate stopping repetitive negative thoughts.  There must be a reason why this stuck in full detail in my mind.  It is amusing to me that I learned this when I was in my early twenties but didn't realize that I needed to use said techniques until I was in my early forties.

I think the biggest lesson that Geneen's work reminds me of again and again is to be kind to myself.  When I began to get in a funk or am stressed or find myself grazing in the kitchen, I stop and think how can I be kind to myself now?  What loving acts can I do now or tomorrow or this week that will be gentle and loving. That is the answer.  The harsh, critical thinking that I have done to myself over and over and over again for years has not worked and will never work.

The Voice in my head has tended to think that other people have the answers and are doing "it" better than I am.  I have put many people on pedestals thinking they knew more than I did. And then I spend time with one of these people, and then I discover they are human just like me and are struggling with their own issues.

I'm working hard to get rid of the pedestal all together.  Everyone is on a journey and has a story to tell.   Everyone is at a different level of evolvement.  I am on my own journey and bit by bit, the Voice is dying down.