Taking People Off Pedestals

For all of four days, I have been wearing mono vision contact lenses for the first time ever.  I have lost 3 pairs of prescription glasses since 2014.  Something had to give because they are expensive so I'm trying out contacts in a trial period.  It's a new world and my brain is adjusting to seeing up close with my left eye and distance from the right.  I have had a few headaches and my vision is slightly blurry but I know that this could be a really good thing.

I am very squeamish when it comes to eye issues.  But I am plowing ahead and perfecting how to hold the eye open without fail and look directly at my finger while I poke myself in the eye.  And that's the only way it seems to work, is going directly in.

With Sunglasses

Which also means I can't use my regular sunglasses that have readers in them.  I have been trying to use old pairs of George's, the girls, and now a new pair from Target.  Each pair exposes my world in a slightly different hue.  And it seems at this place in time, our South Louisiana trees are changing colors as they very subtlety do. And I have noticed that the red color is much brighter wearing particular pairs of sunglasses.  They are magnificent and bright and flawless.  Even just a touch of yellow to a green tree, can brighten it and make it seem golden.  I love to see a bright red tree.

But what is real?

Just likes these trees, I have had to adjust my vision to see myself, people around me and institutions.  Over the last years, I have had to learn to take people off of pedestals that I placed them on.  They didn't ask to be put on them, they just were.  (In some instances, they might like it though)  Some of these people or institutions had a power over me, which I then had to examine.  I expected perfection from them and from myself. And I was trapped waiting for something that would never happen.  

Without Sunglasses

I had to take the sunglasses off, and see the person or thing for who they are.  I had to look at myself and accept me for who I am, warts and all (and good things I couldn't see.)  I have to hold my eye open and look directly while I poke myself in the eye.  It is uncomfortable and unnerving as I dismantled old belief systems.  When I lost these old systems, I felt rudderless, angry, and discombobulated at times,  but there is such beauty and freedom in acceptance and authenticity.   The divine is there in authenticity or at least that is what I have found, but also what I have read from so many different sources.  Running around trying to be perfect is draining and disappointing and kept me in place not moving forward.  Waiting for people to be whom I wanted them to be, was so disappointing. Accepting what is, allows me to try new things that might actually give me what I was looking for in the first place. The tree without sunglasses may not be as bright, and you see the leaves that have fallen but there is still magnificence.  And in this very moment, I'm just noticing, how bright the sky is, in the picture without sunglasses.  ( I did have to wait for the right lighting though)

Wow, I didn't even plan that. I always thought the sunglass picture was more beautiful because of the brilliant red.  But now with examination,  I see the contrast with the beautiful blue sky instead of dark grey.  The best colors are brought out in authenticity.  The divine is in the very heart of authenticity.  Your light shines the brightest in authenticity.

Namaste.

Can I Run From These Feelings Any Faster?

Earlier this morning, feelings were sitting on my chest.  Discomfort.

Aaaargggghhhhh.

 (If you've read any of my blogs this is my running THEME and I want to flee the discomfort as soon as I'm aware of it's presence - like a snake in my house type of fleeing)

Feelings are just energy.  They are a normal part of life.  It has been a continual process for me to learn how to cope when the discomfort arises.  I know, I truly know in my head,  I need to be curious and welcoming to the energy and not fight it, and the energy will flow. It can be a day, or a few hours, or just minutes.  And if it's a major life upheaval, it shows up repeatedly for a period of time.

I spent the past few years, intimately learning to let the feelings flow.  More than thirteen years ago, I shut down my feelings after a terrible bout of postpartum depression.   The PPD started a few months before childbirth and ran for the entire year after. It was such a depth of sadness, pain and anxiety and I NEVER wanted to go THERE again.   At times, I felt the struggle to live through each moment.  Along with the sadness, anxious thoughts never stopped in my head. I can visualize one particular Saturday morning with George and I could not make up my mind about going to Target for a shopping run.  It was an endless loop:  "Can I go?", "Will the baby get hungry?" "Will I need to breastfeed?"  "I really need to get out the house" "George can help" "This is the only day he can help" "I can't go, it's too much" and then it started over. And all of the questions repeated endlesssly.  It was utterly draining.

God bless George.  I didn't tell him everything.  It was a very isolating and lonely existence.  It was the loneliest I had ever felt in my life.

So I unconsciously stopped feeling.  And that's not good either.  You can't just stop the so-called negative emotions, you also stop the pleasurable ones as well.  I have had to learn how to have fun again.  And that seems cra cra, but oh so true.

What I'm awakening to, is that what comes with those feelings are thoughts. Now that I'm not so scared of the feelings, I'm seeing that thoughts go through my head SIMULTANEOUSLY with the flow of emotions.  Those thoughts tell me something is wrong with me.

What comes first, the thought or the feeling?  The chicken or the egg? It doesn't matter, I have some rewiring to do.  I just saw things more clearly this morning.

I got a little more curious because I knew the sadness would flow.  And that's when I caught my thoughts going into a rabbit hole.

The thoughts are part of a story I tell myself that is also on loop.  We all have stories about ourselves whether they are true or not.  That voice in my head says I am not enough. Unless one has graduated from Mindfulness - at an Eckhart Tolle level, the thoughts are there.   The work I have to do is to rewrite the story that I tell myself.  I have to question the thoughts that pop up in my head and ask, is this true?  If this person does not accept me, does that mean I'm not worthy?  If my dress size is considered plus size, am I worthy?  Even though my house is not neat and I lose my patience with my kids or my husband, am I worthy?  The questions are endless and oh so personal for each one of us.   Career, job, material things, health, accepting anyone in our life for who they are, spiritual journey, on and on.  If we think we are not worthy, until this, whatever THIS is, occurs, we tell ourselves that we are not enough.

I know I am worthy, as each person who is alive is worthy.

I know deep down, I am love at my core. I know also that I have a faulty loop.  So I shall work on questioning and rewiring.  And eventually I will spend less time on this, and more time on loving.

Namaste.

My First Aerobics Class Since 2008

I stepped out of my comfort zone this afternoon.  And I say Hallelujah every time I do this in large and small ways.  I attended a zumba type dance class.  I have not attended any type of "fitness" class other than yoga in many years.  I can tell you exactly when I walked away.  The scene is perfectly etched in my mind.  I see it.

It was 2008 and it was a horrible Muscle Works Class at a local gym.  I wrote about it on June 13, 2009 entitled "Nightmare in Muscle Works"  The instructor was a meanie.  I just reread what happened and I forgot some of the interaction that went on between she and I.  I don't do well with meanies.  Life is too short to deal with people that are negative and condescending.  It was such a defining moment that I walked away from ever attending another class like that for nearly 8 years.

At that time, I did decide yoga was my pathway for class settings but even that was in a very tepid, careful way.   And I LOVE YOGA and what it does for me.    I have had a love/hate relationship with "exercise" for a long time and I'm coming out of it.  That class or rather, that teacher made me feel inferior and discouraged about exercise classes, and I let her.  But yoga helped me work through it.

I realized tonight that I let that one person affect me dramatically.  There were plenty of other classes and teachers and gyms.  Yet, that is okay.  This was supposed to be my journey.

Found a picture on FB! That is me all the way to the left.

So this afternoon, I went to a Refit dance class taught by a teacher and another parent from my children's school.  I have been watching another Facebook friend post about the Refit classes she teaches for a couple of years now.  I was probably invited to attend one but it never entered my mind, that I could DO the class.  It looked somewhat appealing but in my head, I said, I can't.

That is so sad.

But I feel differently today.  I needed to walk away all those years ago.  I needed to practice yoga and develop a healthier relationship with exercise.  I am learning to listen to my body and know that it likes to move.  Not every single day but movement has become joyful moreso than "I HAVE to do this."  My body is a temple and I want to take care of it and that is sinking in more and more.  When I was resistant to going even to yoga, which I have been doing for fourteen years, my friend says she looks upon it as a massage.  I had never thought of it that way.  That is sinking in too.

Now, I WILL be sore for the next few days.  I can already feel some muscles feel like jello.  But it is great to move unused muscles and there is ibuprofen after all.

So, I plan to make another class soon and keep trying. It will take some time to learn the moves but it was fun.  It was a wonderful way to move my body with music and other women and no meanies.

Namaste.

Now, I Want to Pay Attention to My Body

For the last few weeks, it has been on my mind that I want to lose weight.

Yeah...

That.

Again.

I went to a therapist nearly 8 years ago for that.  LOL.  And I never lost weight, I gained weight.

But I found myself.  I dug into my childhood, and my thought processes.  It was not pretty, it was painful and I grieved.  I also found out that I need to be authentically who my higher power made me to be.  I discovered that this higher power is a loving God and began the work of letting go of fear and embracing LOVE instead.  Mindfulness became a practice. And, oh so many areas of learning along the way.

But now I need to focus in on my relationship with food and my body, which is my relationship with...myself.

I listend to some podcasts by Brooke Castillo and I was ready to hear them.

So here I go.  I don't know what this will look like, but I need to pay attention, be curious and not be judgemental.  And learn to sit with feelings, and to change my thoughts in regards to those feelings.  I have been doing this in practice with other people and things and now it's time to zone in on my body, myself.

Here we go.

Belief

Yes!  

This is true.

What you believe, you will become.

I have always lived with fear.

Fear in every thought.

And every thought was so small.

Learning to live with HEART and LOVE now.

Slow painstaking process.

Makes all the difference in the world though.

Namaste.

Inside Out

I saw Inside Out yesterday afternoon with my girls.  I had really been looking forward to it as the movie is about emotions.   Yes, emotions! The characters names are emotions!! Really.   How much more could this appeal to me?  The central character was an eleven year old named Riley.  

Seriously! 

 I laughed, and I felt like I had to cry but couldn't.  I still feel blocked up about that.  I have been studying emotions for the better part of my entire life.  I've always been an observer.  Getting a Masters' degree in Counseling was just the beginning of my formal training.  I'm sure that it began earlier than that, in childhood.  Now, the last 7-8 years I've really been concentrating by using therapy, life occurrences and a passion to understand feelings.  Infertility and postpartum depression blew me away.   I felt so lost and alone.   Therapy helped me to begin to understand what was going on and to heal. 

Along the way, these are the issues that I have delved into head first:  dieting and exercise, eating disorders, compulsions, codependency, spirituality, religion, The Twelve Steps, mindfulness, perfectionism, self-esteem, forgiveness, acceptance, dying, and grief.  One has led into another and my life has opened up beyond measure.

But yet still I hide.  I feel like I hide. 

There are so many thoughts I have and I have spent so much time studying and learning, yet still I think I don't know enough.  I will always be a life long student but I do know some things.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I am still afraid to tell what I really believe.  

I think one of the reasons that I do, is because I still label myself overweight in my head.  Because I have not attained perfection in my body size that discounts all of the thoughts in my head, my life experience, and the intensive study I have undertaken. 

So I still have low self esteem.  {chuckling}

I don't know what it is. But I feel like breaking out of this.   This coming school year I have less on my plate - less volunteering with things I felt I had to do.  There will still be volunteering just in another capacity - with less planning on my end.  I am currently feeling passionate about the following things: getting my house in order (clearing the way for a cleaner vision), practicing yoga, and planning time with my friends.  

Oh, and running a household and raising two daughters.  One being a teenager very, very soon.

I just can't sit around and wait for the phone to ring.  I have to get off my tuckus and initiate things myself.  

Here goes.

Namaste.

The Unceasing Judging of Ourselves and Making It Stop!

I recently volunteered to serve at a Mother's Tea for second grade at school.  I have attended two of these teas on the receiving end and it is a sweet, sweet event.  By the time I got there... I was very happy to serve.  (You know the party that you don't want to go to, but in the end you have a great time!)  Several moms and teachers thanked those of us who served. As we were walking to our cars, a Facebook acquaintance said something to the effect that she sees me volunteering a lot.  And in my head I immediately downplayed anything that she might have noticed that I have done, and thought, it wasn't really that much.

And then I remembered she is a single mom who is busting it, to try to spend quality time with her kids around working and providing.  And she is judging herself for not being able to volunteer more or be with her kids more.  And I'm judging myself saying that I don't volunteer enough, I should do more (and... that it doesn't look perfect enough.)

Now, I am speaking as a woman and a mom, why are we so hard on ourselves?  But yet further, it really doesn't matter why- because I just want to stop the judgement!

In that moment after I questioned the veracity of this friend's statement,  I decided, LET ME TAKE IT IN!!  (Huge moment!)   I glowed in it for a few seconds. I acknowledged to myself,  I do a lot with my kids, volunteer and otherwise.  (And this friend does too!)  And volunteering has been on my mind a lot lately.

Our conversation them morphed into a heart to heart about God providing what we needed, but not necessarily looking exactly like what we were praying for.   Wet stuff started coming out of my eyes because I have found this to be so true and this was a Holy Spirit moment (or the universe rising up to meet you whatever works for you!)  I'm so glad that I didn't fight her acknowledgment and I allowed it to soak in and our conversation went on.

For some reason, as women, we get a message that we are never enough: we don't look perfect or thin enough, we could be better mothers, spouses, daughters, friends, our houses need updating and are never clean enough, etc. etc.  There are endless ways we can criticize ourselves.  And that self- criticism seems to go hand in had with criticizing those around us.  Letting all of the judgement go is so freeing.

I have been learning to let the "oh so critical" thoughts go, baby step by baby step.  When a negative thought pops in my head, I first have to recognize it for what it is - fear.  All things boil down to fear or love.  And I'm all for love now baby! And this is critical - we can't change what we don't see.

AWARENESS IS THE FIRST STEP!

Until I mastered awareness, I couldn't even begin to dismiss it.  For example, I use to simmer for hours in thoughts that I'm not thin. ( I'm not even going to use the F word.)  But slowly, oh so slowly over time, I dismiss most thoughts within seconds.  And building this new belief system, the negative thoughts don't pop in my head nearly as much.

Yet there will be times, that something will occur (a trip to doctor's office and the official news that I have gained a few pounds) and that can set me back, but eventually I will get back to I am not my weight.   Or my other favorite: All will be well, even if it's not.

This takes a lot of practice. Intentionality. Over and over and over again.  The  negative thoughts took years to put into place.  It takes time to reprogram that voice to be loving.

I am very thankful for those words shared by this friend to me.  It is amazing what one simple statement did to my awareness!  I didn't know I needed to hear that.

Namaste.

Letting Go Of What's Broken, Part 1

I have read this sentiment before, probably several times over the last few years.  I'm learning that growth is learning the same lessons again and again over time and each time it seeps in just a little deeper into my soul.  I look at it as a spiral and going deeper into the spiral.

When it first happens that a truth of life (an aha) that I had previously experienced comes my way again, I think to myself, "Seriously, this point again?!  I've been here, done this!"  But now it's a little easier, the second, third, fourth, fifth time around…

There are important people in my life that I just need to let go. Let go of who I want them to be.




I have been trying very hard to push for something that doesn't exist in reality.  It's my idea of what a relationship should look like.  It does exist for others that I see around me but that is why there should be no comparing my life with another's life.   There's a saying about doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result.  Yes, that's where I am.  And it can be very painful.

Some people are hard to let go.

Or rather it's the idea of some people.

So what keeps me from letting go.  Is it FEAR?   It's not that I haven't had these same thoughts about certain people multiple times over the years.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Maya Angelou) It's taken years to embrace the fear of letting it be.  Fear of the unknown.  If I let go of this person or situation, what will my life look like?  Will it be empty and have a void?

(And I've been concentrating so much on that void off and on for years anyway, what would happen if I put that energy towards someone who was open and responsive?)

The path I see clearly now, is that I have to continue grieving and let it go.  But who wants to grieve?   Who wants to volunteer for pain?  Our western culture has so many ways, and compulsions to avoid the uncomfortable emotions.   I just don't believe in that anymore and I don't want to do that anymore.  And I'm learning to feel everything that comes my way.  The joy, the despair, the anxiety, the peace, the calm, the fear, anger, etc. etc.  I'm learning to think differently about those feelings when they come up and allow them to flow through.

Yet the amazing thing in my experience is that letting go, then gets me to the very thing I wanted and needed in the first place but from unexpected sources.  I wake up and think, this person is providing me with exactly what I needed.  It was here all along. Wow!

Dorothy, you had it in you all along.

I had to let go of the old (thoughts) and embrace the new.

And it's so magical. Love abounds where you had no idea it's possible.  It's shows up in unexpected faces and places.  It is rich and sweet.

Letting go of what's broken, is making me whole.

NAMASTE.

It's Just Not Meant To Be

I am needing to grieve a relationship in my life.  It is just not meant to be the way I want it to be.  Again and again, this has been brought to my attention.  Did I say how many times over and over again?   It's so over and as the Maya Angelou saying goes: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  It's whipping me in the head for what feels like the thousandth time and I remain a punching bag.  I so deeply want a connection that I keep putting my heart on the line and it keeps getting battered.  It's enough.  It's time to let it go.

I need to have a shift in thinking, big time.

Why do I keep going back for more pain?   It must be my ego.  My ego thinks "What's wrong with me?"    Perhaps my ego thinks, if only they could see me for who I am they would love me.  I've tried really hard to do things the "right" way.  But it will never be right enough, I can see that a little more clearly now.

And there is no "right" way, there is only who I authentically am.  I can only be me.   I am coming to own who I am and I know that deep within me (that God place that I have found) it's about love.  If this person can't see the love, then that's their own stuff in the way.   It's taken so much work to get where I am, I can't go back.  I have to let my light shine and find others who see it.

Okay, so how do I shift my thinking?  Each time this person comes to mind - I have to detach.  I have to detach from the self defeating thoughts.  And in the end, I need to grieve my idea of this relationship.  I came across the following paragraph from a friend.  This is how I need to grieve it.  It is exactly what I need to move on, to do repeatedly over and over.  I can't identify myself with the stories I'm telling that I'm not good enough.


4. SUFFER CONSCIOUSLY. (From Eckhart Tolle)
Observe your emotional pain, your anguish and frustrations. Observe the constant stream of negative thoughts that run through your mind. The dreadful stories that keep feeding your pain, but choose not to identify yourself with them. See yourself as the one who’s observing all that emotional pain and all that discomfort. But don’t make the pain part of who you are. Don’t make it your person life story. Don’t claim it as your own.

And here is the crux of all of it:

“Suffering consciously is when you feel, sense and accept the suffering. It is not suffering anymore it is just pain. To be suffering you must have an unhappy me with a story and the world that is doing it to me.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I don't want to live in fear anymore.  I don't want to live in victimhood.  This person is not doing this to me. (although it feels real personal.)  I need to lovingly pay attention to the faulty thoughts that I think about myself, that there is something wrong with me.   This really isn't about me.  I have chosen suffering instead of allowing the pain.  I have to accept it's not meant to be.  It's simply not meant to be.  Maybe that can be my mantra.
Allow the pain. It's not meant to be. Let the pain flow.  It's only suffering if I tell myself there's something inherently wrong with me.  There's nothing wrong with me.  It's Just Not Meant to Be.

Standards

Holy smokes.

That really says it all doesn't it.  

Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who is setting the standard too low besides myself.

White Knuckling Plane Flights and Life

I still haven't gotten over airline flights: the magic, the mystery, the fear.  Yesterday morning we were in San Diego, two time zones away.  This morning, I wake up in heat and humidity and the Central Time Zone of home.  Before we lifted off, Mallory asked me, "How does the plane fly?"  I said she needed to ask Daddy denying my feminist self.   I have no idea how the plane works, and I ain't got time for that,  I just need to take a half of Zanax, put my head down and roll with it.  It has taken me several years to understand that's just what I need to do to fly. Well, truthfully I figured it out once again five minutes before she asked.

Before her inquiry, I thought, I'm not having any claustrophobia at all.  A moment later, the flight attendant announced she had good news and bad news.  As I looked up for the first time to the front of the plane, my stomach curled both with the visual of the rows and people ahead of me and the thought that there was bad news.  (All I could comprehend now was the nightmare of being stuck on a plane for 9 hours on the runway.)  I immediately got out my pill bottle and took the half that was left from the previous flight seven days ago.   Mallory was telling me that she really didn't like flying.  I thought, one of us needs to be medicated and I don't know what her dosage would be.

So I held her hand and Riley's hand who hates takeoff and away we went.

Even after flying for the last twenty odd years, it is still simply amazing to me.  To be in one place one thousand seven hundred miles away and then bam, three and a half hours later, I am across the country.

Wow.

I use to try to white knuckle my way through flights.  I thought there was something wrong with me that I needed to take medicine.  I have claustrophobia and I don't like being in enclosed spaces.  I had several bad experiences on planes which I now know where panic attacks.   And then a few years ago after trial and error,  I discovered there was medicine to help.  I found a primary care doctor who I felt comfortable with and have had the same bottle of anti-anxiety pills since 2011. I don't fly that often.

I also use to have a hard time having fun.  For some reason, I didn't think I deserved it.  I didn't put myself out there.  I didn't make plans.   I scratch my head now and think, why did I think that?  (I wasn't worthy….)

It doesn't matter any more.  I have learned to have fun.  Not just in flying to California but in the little everyday things.  Each day, I can make myself miserable or change my thought patterns, and accept things the way they are or change them.   Once I made the choice of conscious living, everything changed bit by bit, I was no longer the victim.  I now have my sense of humor back and the sense of doom has departed. I do forget every now and then though, and I need a wake up call.

San Diego was fun.  Los Angeles was even more of a blast for me.  Food poisoning was not.  But it happened and I recovered and moved on.  The beaches were utterly spectacular.  They transformed me instantaneously to a relaxed space the moment we stepped out of the car.  Getting away and exploring new places is a wonderful adventure. It has taken me years to know that traveling is my right and privilege and I'm so grateful that I can do it.  And… it doesn't have to look perfect.

And I'm so grateful to know that every day is an opportunity for white knuckling fear or for love.  Most every day I choose love now.

Namaste.

The Puppy Story

Watching a Lifeclass with TD Jakes and Oprah.  It is like being at the best church revival ever AND EVEN I want to say AMEN.  And that is saying a massive amount of HUGE for me to want to be in a fundamental church and listen to his style of speaking.  But what he is saying is so dead on and thoughtful.

He tells a story about a female dog that gets hit and loses use of both of her hind legs. She gives birth to puppies who are perfectly healthy.

The puppies drag themselves because that is what they see their mother doing.  That is what is modeled for them.

They are perfectly healthy.

Oh my.

This speaks volumes to me.

You learn from whom you are surrounded by.  Do you like the message you are receiving?  Do you like the story that you tell yourself about who you are which repeats itself unceasingly day in and day out?  Is this who you authentically are?

Hmmmm.

Amen!

Yes, Siree Bob, I've Got This Ego Thing Down…

My dad has been in the hospital all week.  The hospital has become very familiar now.  I've got the parking routine down.  I park in the outdoor free parking just to change things around from my usual parking garage routine.  I'm getting so comfortable, I embarked on finding him and my mother where he was having a nuclear test in the bowels of the hospital.  This would have given me great anxiety before.  Speaking up, asking for directions, situations where I didn't know where I was going equalled high anxiety and freezing in my tracks.  Now, I think to myself, "Every little thing is going to be alright."

Mindfulness is so freaking helpful under these circumstances.  Dad's had a slow bleed for a week now and he has had numerous tests and procedures and the MD's think they find it and then the labs look bad again two days later.  He is not a good candidate for surgery at all if the procedures need to be more invasive.  Stress-ful.   Yet mindfulness has changed my life in terms of anxiety and fear that come up in times like this.

Mindfulness really rocks!  I have thoughts that pop in my head and I know - wow - I don't have to believe them.  That is my old conditioning popping up. I can change those thoughts.  And most of them are fear thoughts.  (This is where all that love stuff changes every thing)

Before I headed to the hospital yesterday as I was dressing,  I turned on the OWN channel.  Eckhart Tolle is talking to Oprah about the third chapter of his book "A New Earth" which is entitled, 'The Core of Ego.'  I "read" the book years ago in a class at church.  It is was very appealing to me but dense yet I did begin to understand the concepts.  Eckhart talks very slowly, dryly and unanimated.  He doesn't draw me in but…

Ego has been a topic in my head the last few weeks.  I've listened to Mary O'Malley talk about the monkey brain and how our thoughts will always lead us astray and those thoughts are the ego taking charge.  The heart is where we need to focus, etc.  And science is beginning to prove that.  It seems when I am staying aware, I usually have a theme word or truth that stays with me for a week or two.  Ego has been that word lately.

So I'm listening to Eckhart and Oprah talking from the other room and all of a sudden, I hear him say, "the ego means you are not aware of it, ego means unconscious."

Hello!  Ding, ding, ding.

I nod my head in utter delight.  Eckhart has my attention.  I have been working to let go of the ego!!   I have been working diligently on awareness and becoming conscious.  Just hearing this simple definition.  That is what the ego is?   I've got that down.  I am so on top of this one!!

Well, I want to watch the full episode but I've got to catch up on life.  But as I am experiencing life, I will remember to stay aware and diligent of the thoughts that pop up.  It's not always easy, so practice, practice, practice.

And The Truth Is...

Everything is going to be alright, even when it's not.

This is the bomb!  The Cat's Meow.   The God' honest truth.

If you tell your self it will be okay, it WILL be okay.

Namaste!

All You Need Is Love...

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create.” John Lennon

I came across this quote yesterday.  I lived the first forty years motivated by fear and slowly I have been learning to operate out of love, bit by bit.  It's very slow intensive work to change the way my brain has been wired, the stories I tell myself about myself and my life but I am chipping away at it every day.  You also have to examine who is around you and what they are motivated by and is that helping you in your journey.

What To Do About Yoga and My Squishy Parts

I went to yoga this morning.  Fabulous.

Two ideas popped in my head while I was posing.  One was that there are certain poses or moves I have told myself over the years that I can't do.  And today, out of haste, I did one of those moves.  I have always used my knees to lower from plank to the floor.  And today, I powered through lowering my body without using my knees.

Repeatedly.

And once again, I thought how powerful one's thoughts are.

Several times over the years, I have tried a new move that I thought I couldn't possibly do and I did it for a few seconds or even longer, and was completely shocked over this discovery.

Thoughts are so powerful.  And the stories we tell ourselves over and over, we believe.

And the second idea, revolved around viewing my extra girth in the mirror.  It bothered me so much when I did yoga at the beach last week.   I knew I needed to think differently this time and not focus on the negative.  And then the words of my favorite teacher Carmen sprang to me.   She has suggested so many times as we are pushing ourselves into a stretch,  to send love to that body part that is being stretched.  So when negativity popped in my head, I said let me send love to my squishy parts.  And I did.  And each time I did so, it made my smile.  It was simple but effective.  I felt so much more powerful after the hour that I want to continue this practice of both sending love to my squishy parts and more yoga!

I know this healing journey is going to have to involve loving all of me and especially the squishy parts for me to move forward and feel whole.

Love what is, instead of fearing my lack of perfection.

Namaste~

Three Minutes Twenty Four Seconds Divinely Sent

A friend sent an audio clip to me that I was not expecting.  It was three minutes long and it felt like it was a divine act.  I stayed dazed for a week on the timing and content of receiving this audio out of the blue.

My friend and I had never discussed the topic of this clip.  I think she knew I might find it interesting.  I listened to the first seconds of it and heard a woman ask the speaker a question, paused it  and I got really excited.  I thought, oh my gosh, if he answers this question the way I think he will, I'm going to freak out.

These aha moments blow me away.  I live for these types of discoveries.  They rock my world.

The topic was emotional sobriety and the speaker was Father Richard Rohr.  I became acquainted with him through his book "The Naked Now" in a Spirituality Quest class a few years back and then heard him speak in person for a two day ("best revival ever") conference at my church.   His content is a salve to all of the fundamentalist baggage that I carry.  My Sunday morning group began a Rohr book the week that I received the audio clip.

On the clip, a woman asks when anger comes up how does she "control" it?

On this blog, I have talked about learning to let my feelings flow through.  I had never heard of this technique but began doing so instinctively while hearing that I needed to learn to feel my feelings not push them down with food.   I didn't even realize that I was practicing a technique but I had input from therapy, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Gary Zukav, Deepak Chopra and "Celebrity Rehab" among others.  I am well rounded if anything.

Weeks ago, I saw a high school acquaintance that I had not seen in over 20 years.  I knew from some of her FB posts that we would have some similar ideas about life.  I took a risk and we talked about some "deep" issues.  And then bam, she used the words mindfulness training.  I laughed for a solid week that I had not known what I was practicing for the last two years, was called mindfulness.  I knew I was training myself to change my thoughts about feelings that arose.  I have learned to allow myself to feel them but not allow the feelings to own me.  I knew it was hard to do.  I knew that it was about changing the way I interacted with people as well, i.e. boundaries.  And now I know it is about moving to higher levels of consciousness.

In this audio clip, Richard Rohr explained the art of mindfulness simply, easily and concisely.  I began to jump up and down in my mind as he described it.  (I want to share the clip with you but it is copyrighted)

I knew I have been on to something, something really big, to change my worldview...

and my life.

I live for these aha moments.

This is not Richard Rohr - but it describes the process as well.

A Middle Aged Prom Photo With a Hundred Likes on FB

Last week, George and I gussied up and went to a fundraiser for a local hospital.  Friends invited us weeks before the event and my first thought was no,  I don't want to put on a formal dress.   I've gained weight and my middle is the worst part and you cannot camouflage that in a formal dress.

But my second thought was, well, a night out with my husband and the Doobie Brothers could be enjoyable.

As the weeks went by, I found a dress that worked, shoes and costume jewelry and on the day of, I had my hair styled in curly ringlets which I had never done before at a new blowout salon in town.  I put on a little bronzer and I felt like a real Bravo Housewife ready to go (except the limousine and potential for hairpulling!)

The babysitter and Riley took pictures with my phone and our camera.  I posted one on FB as we drove downtown.  We entered the building and rode an escalator down to the huge crowd below.  It reminded me of a scene from the movie, "Rain Man."   I started spotting people I knew immediately.   I greeted and chatted away and was surprised at how much fun I was having.  After dinner at our table,  George and I grooved to the Doobie "Boys" as the nun called them.

Half way through the evening, I looked at FB and there were over forty "likes" and many nice compliments on our "middle aged prom" picture.  Wow!

Now I am keeping in mind that my self esteem should not be based on how many FB likes I receive.  Yet, the likes kept coming and by the next morning, there were over 90 likes and over thirty lovely comments and the notices kept coming.

I didn't really know what to do with all of that positiveness coming towards me.  It took me several days to process before I was able to sit and scroll through all of the names.

I think in my mind, because I'm not at the weight I would like to be, should I be receiving such nice messages?

These are some neural pathways that need to be rewired.

I also looked at some of the other pictures that were taken with our other camera, some not as flattering.    To be utterly honest with my disjointed thinking, I had a hard time reconciling the unflattering pictures and how much fun I had.  This is what I really looked like while I was engaging, not just the most flattering picture.  How can that go together?  In my first thoughts of deciding whether to attend, I couldn't go unless I fit a certain idea in my head of how I was supposed to look.

So dear reader, I still have more self-acceptance to gain.  I have made headway, but this was a great lesson that I can have fun EVEN if I don't have the perfect body.  And isn't that the point, to have fun!

Again, the truth is...

I do have self worth at any size.  

This message is still sinking in very slowly especially after so many years of thinking the opposite and media messages reinforcing that thinner is always the goal.

I am so happy that we went to the gala.  It was fun to get all dressed up.  The FB experience shows me that perhaps people don't look at me the way I look at myself?  I need to look at myself with less judgement and more compassion. (And as I do that with myself, I am doing it with others!)  It's a daily battle but one that I need to wage, especially with my young daughters watching.

Perhaps my title should be "What A Fool Believes?"

George and I with "Doobie Boys"playing in background.

I loved my curly headed do!

From "Sex and the City" to "Fifty Shades" and Feeling Wanted

I came across this young country singer named Hunter Hayes.   He is a homeboy who hails from Breaux Bridge, LA.   I listened to one of his songs called "Wanted" and it made me chuckle.  I downloaded it from iTunes and it is one of only four songs that I am able to listen to on my new Iphone.  (I REALLY need to figure out how to load the songs from my old phone.)

I listen to the song now repeatedly when I walk the dog and it makes me chuckle each and every time.  I think of my high school boyfriend.  We spent a lot of time alone unsupervised at his house, and in this one instance, he told me he "wanted" me.  I naively responded, "what do you want me to do?"

He had to explain it.

This both makes me laugh and it makes me sad.  It brings up lots of angst regarding my lack of sexual education and a resulting attitudes that sex was something shameful, wrong and to be hidden.  I now understand sex as an integral part of how we were made, and it's importance in committed relationships.  It was the Big Guy (or Gal)  who made us sexual beings after all!

I even had a hard time admitting how much I enjoyed watching "Sex and the City" back when it originally aired because A) sex was in the title and B) these were four women having sex outside the bonds of matrimony.  All to be considered bad, bad, bad.  Yet I LOVED this series for so many reasons.   I still watch reruns that I have seen numerous times and it is like spending time with an old friend.

My lack of sex education and desire to change it, made me extremely receptive to a sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, whom I saw on Oprah.  She is so forthright, comfortable and delivers the best information regarding all aspects of sexuality.  She's the bomb.

And months ago, I read all three of the "Fifty Shades" books (and thoroughly enjoyed them, thus why I read ALL three...)  I could not admit that either.  I had difficulty sharing with even my closest friends.  My old wiring said, oh, this is "bad."  My new wiring said, okay, it contains mutually consented S&M,  but more importantly, I learned that I like erotic literature and it is a wonderful tool to add some spark into my 16 year old marriage.

There I said it.

And it feels good!

Now, I did not admit it to my Sunday night study at church of mixed company.  It was brought up in a negative light and I failed to mention that I read them.  This I guess might be a sin of omission.

I can live with it.

For now.

Spiritual Lessons From Unlikely Places, Thank You Jenny McCarthy!

I have been reading for leisure a bit more and reading my favorite type of books which are biographies.   I download them for free from the library.  Free means I am not particularly choosy, but of course there has to be a spark of interest.  I have read Justin Beiber's mother's book as well as Lauren Scruggs, who walked into the blades of a small plane an eye and part of an arm.  I have found some nugget in each of them and I kept reading but if I don't, I return it to the digital library with no guilt attached!  No more loyalty to books, moves or tv shows that do nothing for me!  Codependent no more!!

Currently I am ready Jenny McCarthy's latest book, "Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic."  I had seen she and Jim Carrey together on Oprah and they discussed their spiritual journey so that perked my interest.  I did not want to read her first book about pregnancy because it seemed crude about farts, hemorrhoids and other occurrences in a woman's pregnant body. True but unmentionable to my prudish self.

Thankfully I have relaxed since then and read as she thoughtfully questions all authorities about loopholes in Catholicism from an early age (as well as describing dry humping with her boyfriend while the Jesus pictures on her wall grimace at her)  I have learned from listening to others in small groups at my church that everyone has religious baggage, it just comes in all shapes and sizes and it is all based on individual experiences.

Then here comes the nugget!  I am reading along and she describes how to handle "emotional rashes" which are those massively uncomfortable feelings that come up.  Jenny's sister reports how she will sit on the toilet "to let it all hang out."  Instead of numbing it with shopping, drinking or food, this is what the sister describes,

"And then I allowed myself to feel the pain.  Sometimes I have no idea what it is, but I learned that sometimes you don't need to attach a thought to it.  Just feel it.  Just sit in it.  And when it moves past you, like a storm, the other side is rainbows"

And Jenny says, "Or a big deuce in the toilet."

Jenny then describes her first experience of  allowing waves of pain in her soul go through as her sister had instructed her.  It is exactly what I have been practicing except I don't sit on the toilet and it doesn't involve farts.  But if I did sit on the toilet, I might fart.

There I said it.

I simply adore when I get these conformational bits from unlikely sources in unlikely words.  It is resounding proof that I'm on to something.  

Thank you Jenny McCarthy!  The spirit moves in strange and mysterious waves.  I just need to stand back and allow it to happen.