My Pledge to Write Again

I have not been writing blogs as much in the last few years and that is disappointing.   I hear many people say that they write to process life and I concur.  I didn't know that when I started writing here fourteen years ago but it is necessary for me.  It's not that I don't have content because the last year, and those preceding,  I processed much but I just wasn't writing about it. 

Unused creativity is not benign as Brene Brown is quoted.  In just looking up that quote, I realize that I have been feeling all of that: grief, rage, judgment, sorrow and shame.  

I have to figure out how to sit down and write again. And allow the words to flow through.  And let go of the judgment.  

Sometimes ideas have to percolate. Sometimes the material is really personal and it's hard to share out loud.   For some reason, I want to share in a public forum but this is ripe with drawbacks.  Who will read it and will there be a negative reaction? I have experienced those.  I have been waiting to be criticized my whole life.  What I have found is that by the time it makes it to this forum, I have deliberated on it long enough and it flows out.  There is divinity in that flow and there is a joy and truth that occurs along with it. 

I have also found positive remarks from persons who I did not expect to hear from and the only way this occurs is to share publicly.  You never know who it will connect with.  My writing is not meant for everyone of course, but I need it. 

These are unused pictures in the hallway leading up to our primary bedroom.  I have decided I no longer want them in the places they use to hang.  A friend looked at some of them hanging in our dining room and commented about the color of the picture frames and she was 100 percent correct.  I needed another pair of eyes to awaken my senses.  I then looked around at everything hanging on the walls and knew I needed to shake things up and I did and then I got tired and maybe the holidays kicked in...

I have to decide what to do with these last items.  Some are treasured and some I use to treasure.   This process started late October and as of January 9th, today, they are still sitting in the hallway.  God bless my patient husband. 

Processing takes time, whether is processing the events of life or choosing which pictures to hang.   Letting go of the past and being in the present. I know the desire to get this cleaned up will come. Sometimes you just have to Wait for it. 

We Suffer and That's Okay

A friend posted this on FB and it struck me.  So here it is.

This is true everyday but especially for me now during Christmas - too much to do.


"The next time you catch yourself in a maelstrom of comparison, anger, self-doubt, worry, or judgment, take a breath and ask, 'What am I practicing?' Be gentle with what comes up (no judging yourself for being judgmental) and notice if in embracing your experience with tenderness, compassion has a chance to blossom. Know this: It’s impossible to practice love and patience all the time. That kind of every-second-of-every-day bliss was not built into us humans. We suffer, and that’s okay. And when we can be compassionate with ourselves when we’re practicing things other than love, our heart softens, our grip loosens, and suddenly we have a greater access to the love we were seeking all along." ~Jamie Greenwood

I Had to Let The Dust Settle Before I Hit the Publish Button (It's About the Duggars)

I wrote a very long post about the Duggars weeks ago but never published.

It was restrained anger with love.  (Yeah, it was mostly anger.) And I used a refrain of "Praying the Gay Away" with "Praying the Molestation Away."  It was very clever if I do say so myself.

As an LGBT supporter AND Christian, I don't agree with the Duggars' politics, religion and let's not touch the hypocrisy of Michelle Duggar's robocall and any of Josh's words... condemning anybody.

After I had written my blog, I read a very loving and sensitive blog and the author's point was really, really good, but on a comment in response, I went off in a restrained fashion letting loose on how this news pushed every one of my core buttons.  The author's  loving way to address the situation had stopped me in my tracks though and I did not hit publish on my blog.

The Duggar situation hit way too close to home for me.

Between the fundamentalism, and anti-LGBT, that's enough to start.  The facts that the kids have no room to be who they really are,  because the family appears to have all the makings of a cult...allegedly.  Those parents produce children and they are expected to believe exactly as Jim Bob and Michelle.

So you can see where the veiled rant went.

But the most important point here is that me judging them, has my energy focused on the negative.   And I was judging.  I found I had to walk away and not read any more Twitter, watch any more CNN, nor finish the second Megan Kelly interview because it stirred me up and I became obsessive.  This was not positive nor a forward move nor loving.

And the bottom line is I want to put more love out in the world, not judgement, not hate.

I had to let it go.

Though I was very, very interested in the behavioral phenomenon of people, (politicians, preachers)  who come out and preach against something fervently, and yet they actually have the thing that they are preaching against going on within themselves (or their family!)  This is the phenomenon I wanted to know about and hear about.   I think it's called projection.

So here is my new blog about The Duggars.

Jim Bob and Michelle are doing the best job they can.  They love their children.  They love God, I love God and yet we have different rules.  I'm glad I'm not one of their children.   I really, really hope Josh Duggar has not relapsed and molested anyone else.  Molestation is really, really hard to address behaviorally and for the impulse to diminish.  More than likely, Josh was most likely molested himself.  And I'm glad that my family is not on television.

There, that wasn't so bad was it?  It still wasn't as loving as the other blog but it's more than what I wrote the first time.

Namaste.

Sparks of Divinity

I caught a blip of a rerun of Super Soul Sunday while walking the dogs, thanks to Sirius radio app on my iPhone.   The little bit I heard just ignited my enthusiasm once again and I want to carve the time out to watch the ones I have taped on my DVR.  I always have ahas and then it sparks me to write.  These are creative forces flowing from a higher power that resides inside me whom I call God.

The person I heard speaking on OWN was Adyashanti, an American spiritual teacher.  I heard him describe humans as sparks of divinity.

Sparks of Divinity!

Wow!  This terminology is a massive warm enveloping hug just when I needed it most.

This is so different than how I pictured myself when I was growing up. 

The way I thought of God before was bleak, and unforgiving and most of all - Judgmental.  I cannot tolerate anything that smells of judgment anymore.  What had been planted in my head was that Jesus loved me, but I was a sinner.  And there was a big book and God was watching and if I misbehaved my name would not be in that book and I was going to hell.  (Yes, I sadly watched a full out play production of this very notion called "Heaven or Hell" in my early 20's) And I was told I was a sinner all the time.   And so there was hell, and armageddon, and eye for an eye and so much was based on Fear.  I can clearly see how fear is used repeatedly as a means to an end.   This did not present to me a God of Love.  A God who loved me more than I could even imagine and that there was an endless depth of love to tap into.   All I could think was that I wasn't good enough.  (If you tell someone they are a sinner, then guess what, that is what they will morph into.  Self-fulfilling prophecy.

So guess what, I didn't learn how to love myself or anyone else unconditionally -which is a red letter New Testament Jesus' commandment.  In fact it is the second one to loving God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind.  The second commandment of the New Testament is "You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself."   I now know that I was born to LOVE (not fear). 

I'm rearranging those thoughts in my head because our higher being (and Jesus) are all about love.  We are born and our souls ARE love but we lose that along the way.  Our ego gets in the way. Our conditioning by humans gets in the way.

The way to follow Jesus as he teaches is through LOVE.   Becoming whole-hearted.  Seeing the world as loving.  There is an abundance of love out there for everyone.   

Being Defriended on Facebook

I've lost my voice with this blog for a bit.  I haven't written in a while and I truly LOVE to write.  It is so cathartic for me.  So I am forcing myself to write this.

I shared a bit of my authentic self on Facebook.  I linked a blog that had taken me many years of soul searching to write. But it had to do with religion, addiction, being gay and the movie, "Twelve Years  A Slave."  Hot button issues to write about in the Deep South Bible Belt.

After posting the link to my blog, I was pleasantly surprised that there were positive responses immediately.  I would like to say that it shouldn't have mattered but knowing someone else understood and had the same opinion was gratifying.  It is my truth and I have worked so hard to get to the point of saying it out loud…well at least in a blog.

And then about a week later, I realized that one person was not pleased with the blog and needed to not see my "stuff" on FB and defriended without a word.  I was saddened and angry because of who the person was but I remind myself that the reaction that comes back to me has to do with that person.  It's their stuff.

This blog is my truth and I have worked so hard to come to know what I believe at my core.  And I am learning bit by bit that I don't have to have anyone else agree with me either.  And to take it a step further, I can be friends with people who don't have the same opinion as I.  It is called, "Agreeing to Disagree."  

Love them and accept them for who they are.

In my journey, I had to figure out that I was a people pleaser - this was kinda shocking to me as I have progressed out of it, how deeply it went.  I had to learn what boundaries were.  First, I had to have the awareness that I was a people pleaser and what the hell boundaries were and that I needed them,  desperately.   I believe that I had to understand where I came from so I could move forward.  And moving forward to owning my own thoughts, words and actions is so freeing.

The irony with this particular situation of defriending is that my journey to figure out my authentic self, led me to a deeper relationship with God and his Divineness within me, always available to rely on.   And that Divine within is all about love, not judgment. And this person and I just disagree about the "rules" of the God we both believe in.

So I'm back.  I will stop here.  But my journey has to continue whether anyone agrees with me or not.

It is well with my soul.

Namaste.

An Open Invitation to Phil Robertson

I need to share the thought I had while watching the red carpet leading up to the Golden Globes on Sunday.  One of the nominated movies is 12 Years a Slave and I would love to watch it but I just don't know if I could make it through the brutality. It is about a free black man from upstate New York who is abducted and sold into slavery and ends up in...Louisiana.

I want to suggest to Phil Robertson to watch this movie.  I think it might give him insight into why the people he worked alongside never complained about anything.  I believe that what he described in the article was his truth. Yet, it is a truth than needs enlightenment.   What he said about gays and blacks in the article and in other video pushed a core button in me.

"I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once," the reality star said of growing up in pre-Civil-Rights-era Louisiana. "Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I'm with the blacks, because we're white trash. We're going across the field ... They're singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: These doggone white people' — not a word!"  From Yahoo TV article.

Just from watching the previews of 12 Years A Slave, one understands that a slave kept his mouth shut to try to survive.  The movie's time frame was pre-Civil War and the time Robertson mentions in the article was pre-civil rights which was roughly one hundred years later but many behaviors learned to survive in slavery, perpetuated to survive pre-civil rights.

His statements and the support for him by Christians really got into my craw.  I know why it bothered me so much because I use to fear what was different from myself as well.  I am a white heterosexual woman with a husband and two daughters who comes from a very small town in South Louisiana and was exposed to very small churches and several denominations of Christianity.  I use to fear what was different from myself, well, I feared everything for that matter.

Coming from such a small town, I needed to open myself up and educate myself and I have done so during the last two decades.   I have listened to interviews, watched documentaries and movies of gay and transgendered persons.  I identify more with what some gay people say than with what Phil Robertson spews as Christianity because more times than not a gay person has had to dig really deep to be who they are because of the cost of coming out.  I can spot people who speak their authentic truth from the core of their being because they always speak love.  Not judgement but love.  Humans judge because they need to feel better about themselves.  I truly understand that.  Been there, done that.  And as I'm working to free myself from my own self judgement, the judgement of others falls by the wayside.

What Phil said was not the truth of Christianity.  And the most important point is that I can have an opinion about this.  It is not held liable by the far right.  The Bible cannot be taken literally.  There are inconsistencies all over and passages that promote rape, killing, etc., etc.  The Bible was used to support slavery.  Not to mention picking and choosing the verses we cling to.   I look at the whole message of the Bible.  Love others as you love yourself. Jesus said nothing about homosexual behavior.  Nothing.  His message was LOVE.

I think Phil still judges himself.  This is my humble opinion of a man I've never met but just heard some of his story.  I have spent the last five years doggedly studying compulsions and addictions.   Compulsive behavior like Phil's past drinking and drugs, is present in a person until one is ready to go deeper to find out why the compulsion is there.   A lot of people will unconsciously move to a new compulsion to avoid looking into what the core issue is.  I think his new compulsion is Jesus. Looking at your core issue is painful but also enlightening and freeing.  Learning to love yourself for who you are is freeing.  And if you dig deep enough, the divine unconditional love is there.




So when Phil is ready, I will go to the movie with him. And guess what?   Twelve Years a Slave was filmed in Louisiana.   How much more down home could that be?

This Sums It Up!

And Amen....
Namaste.

Use the Heart not the Head: Curiousity, Compassion, and Connection

I have been listening to a Mary O'Malley video clip from The Psychology of Eating Online Conference.  I have listened a few minutes at a time over several weeks.  Today I am hearing it with new ears.  I'm having another big aha.

Her book is called, "The Gift of Our Compulsions."  Instead of being angry about using food compulsively, I'm beginning to feel a shift.  Mary says that the compulsion is there to bring attention to what you are not ready to be with.  Most people live their lives running with their compulsions and have no idea that they are doing so.  

Ms. O'Malley quotes Rumi:

“Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.

I have been very angry at myself for a long time for always using food to avoid my pain.  I beat myself up over it.  I judge myself.  Why can't I get this area of my life under control?   I have felt so empowered in so many areas but this food/weight thing persists.  And then Mary talks about being curious as opposed to trying to control it.   She discusses what I call the three C's: compassion, connection and curiosity.   She goes further to say these are HEART functions not head.  I get lost in all of the head stuff - the whys, the hows, etc.  I can ruminate in rationalizations forever.  I have been in touch with the heart and I've had glimpses and it is pure bliss.  I want more of that and I've had enough of the head stuff. 

We are wired to struggle and our compulsions are there for us to avoid being in that struggle.  She also says we are dualistic in nature and that means black/white, right wrong.  We deem our compulsion as bad, so we try to beat it down.  We have been conditioned from very early to live in this war.  Father Richard Rohr also talked about dualism in his talk that I attended a few years back and it highly resonated with me.  

Rumi's quote about the light and Ms. O'Malley talking about the heart speaks loud and clear to me.  The light represents a deep sense of well being.  Let me say that again because I need to hear it.  

A deep sense of well being.  

I'm not going to get that by losing weight or being able to buy the smaller size.  I'm not going to have that by looking perfect (and who is the judge of that, who do I give that power to?)  I feel the sense of well being when I have compassion with myself (and others!) I feel that when the negative thoughts start and I stop them and become curious about why.

I have experienced moments of deep well being and it has come when I detach from the controlling thoughts.  The moments come when I'm compassionate with myself and take care of myself.  They come when I connect with others who are on a soul journey too.   They come when I feel a shift of energy that feels like LOVE and not judgement.  

I'm sticking with the 3 C's for now.  I think that will lead me the rest of the way.

Spiritual Lessons From Unlikely Places, Thank You Jenny McCarthy!

I have been reading for leisure a bit more and reading my favorite type of books which are biographies.   I download them for free from the library.  Free means I am not particularly choosy, but of course there has to be a spark of interest.  I have read Justin Beiber's mother's book as well as Lauren Scruggs, who walked into the blades of a small plane an eye and part of an arm.  I have found some nugget in each of them and I kept reading but if I don't, I return it to the digital library with no guilt attached!  No more loyalty to books, moves or tv shows that do nothing for me!  Codependent no more!!

Currently I am ready Jenny McCarthy's latest book, "Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic."  I had seen she and Jim Carrey together on Oprah and they discussed their spiritual journey so that perked my interest.  I did not want to read her first book about pregnancy because it seemed crude about farts, hemorrhoids and other occurrences in a woman's pregnant body. True but unmentionable to my prudish self.

Thankfully I have relaxed since then and read as she thoughtfully questions all authorities about loopholes in Catholicism from an early age (as well as describing dry humping with her boyfriend while the Jesus pictures on her wall grimace at her)  I have learned from listening to others in small groups at my church that everyone has religious baggage, it just comes in all shapes and sizes and it is all based on individual experiences.

Then here comes the nugget!  I am reading along and she describes how to handle "emotional rashes" which are those massively uncomfortable feelings that come up.  Jenny's sister reports how she will sit on the toilet "to let it all hang out."  Instead of numbing it with shopping, drinking or food, this is what the sister describes,

"And then I allowed myself to feel the pain.  Sometimes I have no idea what it is, but I learned that sometimes you don't need to attach a thought to it.  Just feel it.  Just sit in it.  And when it moves past you, like a storm, the other side is rainbows"

And Jenny says, "Or a big deuce in the toilet."

Jenny then describes her first experience of  allowing waves of pain in her soul go through as her sister had instructed her.  It is exactly what I have been practicing except I don't sit on the toilet and it doesn't involve farts.  But if I did sit on the toilet, I might fart.

There I said it.

I simply adore when I get these conformational bits from unlikely sources in unlikely words.  It is resounding proof that I'm on to something.  

Thank you Jenny McCarthy!  The spirit moves in strange and mysterious waves.  I just need to stand back and allow it to happen.

Saint or Sinner?

On an episode of Super Soul Sunday, Oprah interviewed Iyanla Van Zant.  She acts as a healer yet with a completely different style than I was taught in graduate school.  She is actually a trained lawyer and not a therapist.  She calls and "thing" a "thing" and is quite enthralling but in my day the client would have run away, but this is TV.   I loved this physical demonstration of giving things over to God. It struck such a chord in me.  This first picture is how most people feel when they are told to give it all up to God.  This is a position of fear and shame.  You are a sinner, and you must do better.

This photo represents as it should be. "I give myself over to you God, take me I am yours, I greet you with excitement and LOVE!"

Wow, what an amazing difference.

With baby steps, I am turning towards this welcoming pose of God.  Baggage is being removed slowly and surely as I see and feel the light, and the love. And the shame is receding.

Recently in a book study with our new pastor at my church, the chapter suggests that instead of calling ourselves sinners, we should follow the mantra, "I am a Saint."  There were some who spoke up immediately and were tripped up because they do not want to give up the sin label.  I fully embraced the notion of being a saint at first.  I was enthralled by it so much that I sent a long email to the pastor which I would never have done in the past.  But a few days into the week, that way of thinking fell to the wayside.  I forgot.

It takes a long time to rewire the thinking process.  I see it happening bit by bit and I celebrate when it happens.  There was a great quote that said "You don't know you are there until you ARE there."  One day I will feel more like a saint than a sinner and on that day I will call it a "thing" because it will feel monumental.

I think I will post a note on my dashboard and mirror to remind myself of my sainthood daily.  I think it will help to have that in my face reminder.  We will see.

Judging

Twelve weeks ago, I had a facebook "friend" who urged his friends not to watch Dancing with the Stars because of Chaz Bono's participation. So many feelings came up reading his post. I completely and utterly disagree with his reasoning for boycotting the show. Is this a post that I want to engage and disagree with? In finally realizing I have a voice, is this the issue that I want to be heard on?

Expressing my voice and choosing when to do so and when not to do so is still shaky and I will practice this skill for the rest of my life. This particular issue is tangling with the ever judgemental right. And why do I abhor the right so much? They are pretty good at passing judgement and using the Bible to do so. I have much practice with judgment because I have done it to myself for years and now that I am learning to show myself kindness and love in a healthy way, I find myself stopping my critical thoughts of OTHERS when they first pop in my mind. I use to judge others a lot but I did think that issues were grey.

I caught a 2000 Oprah rerun on XM radio with Gary Zukav, the author of "The Seat of the Soul." I think I might have listened to this before and it sounded a little hoo ha. But I now know that hearing it eleven years ago was laying the foundation for me to understand the concepts and further my soul's journey. One idea mentioned among other brilliant ones was when anyone was judging another, the root cause is pain and fear in the judger (and something that needs to be worked out.)

Here is one of Gary's quote that applies:

“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself - with yourself - not with the other person. If you react to evil, look inside yourself for the very thing that so agitates you, and you will find it. If it were not there, you will simply discern, act appropriately, and move on.”

― Gary Zukav, Soul to Soul: Communications from the Heart

Darn it, now understanding this dynamic I get that I am now judging the anti-DWTS (anti-transgender) person. Now, I've got more work myself which I know anyway. This is going to be a lifelong process and I am thrilled to be on this ride. I recognize that although I am fully supportive of gay, lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual persons, and their rights this is a rather new stand for me. It has come around in the last years and reconciling it with what I believe God thinks on the subject. So this is newish. I still have a little fear in my position, but I would rather have a little doubt, than think I know everything!!

And by the way, I think this year's Dancing with the Stars was fantastic at pushing boundaries. Not only was there the first transgendered contestant, but the first wounded war veteran (soap star) and along with the skimpy costumes which I don't like, we did see someone was accepted for who they are and not how they look.