I am needing to grieve a relationship in my life. It is just not meant to be the way I want it to be. Again and again, this has been brought to my attention. Did I say how many times over and over again? It's so over and as the Maya Angelou saying goes: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." It's whipping me in the head for what feels like the thousandth time and I remain a punching bag. I so deeply want a connection that I keep putting my heart on the line and it keeps getting battered. It's enough. It's time to let it go.
I need to have a shift in thinking, big time.
Why do I keep going back for more pain? It must be my ego. My ego thinks "What's wrong with me?" Perhaps my ego thinks, if only they could see me for who I am they would love me. I've tried really hard to do things the "right" way. But it will never be right enough, I can see that a little more clearly now.
And there is no "right" way, there is only who I authentically am. I can only be me. I am coming to own who I am and I know that deep within me (that God place that I have found) it's about love. If this person can't see the love, then that's their own stuff in the way. It's taken so much work to get where I am, I can't go back. I have to let my light shine and find others who see it.
Okay, so how do I shift my thinking? Each time this person comes to mind - I have to detach. I have to detach from the self defeating thoughts. And in the end, I need to grieve my idea of this relationship. I came across the following paragraph from a friend. This is how I need to grieve it. It is exactly what I need to move on, to do repeatedly over and over. I can't identify myself with the stories I'm telling that I'm not good enough.
4. SUFFER CONSCIOUSLY. (From Eckhart Tolle)
Observe your emotional pain, your anguish and frustrations. Observe the constant stream of negative thoughts that run through your mind. The dreadful stories that keep feeding your pain, but choose not to identify yourself with them. See yourself as the one who’s observing all that emotional pain and all that discomfort. But don’t make the pain part of who you are. Don’t make it your person life story. Don’t claim it as your own.
And here is the crux of all of it:
“Suffering consciously is when you feel, sense and accept the suffering. It is not suffering anymore it is just pain. To be suffering you must have an unhappy me with a story and the world that is doing it to me.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live in victimhood. This person is not doing this to me. (although it feels real personal.) I need to lovingly pay attention to the faulty thoughts that I think about myself, that there is something wrong with me. This really isn't about me. I have chosen suffering instead of allowing the pain. I have to accept it's not meant to be. It's simply not meant to be. Maybe that can be my mantra.
Allow the pain. It's not meant to be. Let the pain flow. It's only suffering if I tell myself there's something inherently wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me. It's Just Not Meant to Be.