Goodbye 2024: A Sigh, Some Sadness and Deep Acceptance

 The last day of 2024 is upon us. Wow.  This has been a... year.  Year is written in a tone of eyes widened and a snarky look. It has been eventful medically as well as moving into a new life stage.  In March, I started using a tool in the form of medication to lose weight and I cannot even wrap my head around it, as I have lost weight. My youngest child graduated and went off to college. In September, I discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism which explained why I have felt decades older than I am for the last few months (years?).  Also likely why I thought I had ADD.  In December, I had surgery to remove the parathyroid adenoma and half my thyroid (no cancer found). Lastly, I was a part of the country reacting to the election in disbelief of how could this person be elected again. 

I have been writing this blog since 2009 and my entries have slowed since the last half of that sixteen years. In some ways that is okay, but I do have many creative ideas that come to me and I have not acted upon them for whatever reason.  This I know: I need to write to process life.  I need to use my divinely given creativity as well. Hyperparathyroidism has taken a lot from me lately.  I have experienced constant brain fog,  depleted energy levels, muscle weakness, achy bones, headaches and increased anxiety.  Yes, all of that from too much calcium in the body. Doing the bare minimum has been a stretch at times, and I'm thankful for my husband who has been patient with me.   I'm also so very thankful for a Facebook support group that has enlightened me that it could take up to a year to recover fully from this little known condition.  I had the surgery, the numbers look good but the symptoms are still here.  I am turning the corner in that I have ecstatic moments of mental clarity and I can tell I have more energy for tasks although still becoming depleted in a short amount of time. 

My annual decluttering phase is here but after two days of continued work, I'm empty again. Yesterday, I had an occular migraine and progress was made that I did not freak out as badly as it did the other two times that I had it. I went to the eye doctor months ago to check it out and after much discussion with my bestie, we think it is an eye headache.  This time, I told myself the lightening squiggles were going away, and I took CBD tincture to help relax.  I was then sensitive to sound and light for much of the day and had to rest. 

I had to rest. 

I have been doing a lot of resting and being with myself.  I have really gotten use to the quiet and I like it.  I'm glad I have done a lot of work to be with discomfort. 

I have been doing a lot of resting because that is all I can do. This is how it goes.  It's time to walk the dog.   Maybe I can go farther this time. Just a few moments in, I start feeling depleted once again.  My mind goes, oh nooooooo.  Muscle weakness creeps in. I can't go farther. I beat myself up for not being able to do more. I go back home and find sources to read that this is normal.  It took this condition a few years to advance itself, it is not going away immediately.  

So I rest and accept. 

I now have a headache, achiness all over, no energy and a little dizziness from the dog walk, writing, living.  

To sum all this up, I want to write more. I also have limitations. I am recovering and it's going to take time and I have to be patient with myself.  I am writing a few more minutes to finish this in a not so eloquent way because this doesn't have to be perfect. 

It just is. 

It is where I am.  Deep acceptance.  

The country is where it is.  There has been an uncovering of the belly of the beast. It's always been there.  

A sigh, some sadness and deep acceptance.  

Namaste

LEARNING TO LAUGH EVEN WHEN IT'S SERIOUS

The universe can be really funny. 

 I appreciate that and I want to notice more especially as I feel I have lost some of my sense of humor.  I feel I've stayed in the weeds a lot on my healing journey. 

Yet God/Divinity does have a sense of humor. 

I'm paying attention and it is a healing act to find the funny when we can.

George and I, the new empty nesters recently watched the two season HBO MAX series, "The Flight Attendant" with Kaley Cuoco.  She is the flight attendant with a drinking problem who wakes up in a Bangkok hotel room next to a deceased passenger that she had been partying with the previous night. His throat has been slit and there is blood everywhere.   This is not my normal fare because I haven't been able to watch violence and blood for quite some time.  Yet I was drawn to the quirky, twist and turns as the main character is trying to clear her name.  Kaley's character has repeated flashbacks of the bloody dead man with his neck slit over and over which was really instilled in my head. 

That takes me to the current issue of the last few weeks. 

I am in the middle of a medical issue.  For the last few years, I have had high levels of calcium in my body and recently, the number went outside of the normal range.  I had no idea what that meant, so the last few weeks, I have been immersing myself with hypercalcemia and now hyperparathyroidism. (and that is not thyroid, parathyroid! and a growth that is  highly likely to be benign)  I have had bloodwork, an ultrasound, bone test, twenty-four hour urine collection and as of yesterday, a nuclear medicine test.  We have now located approximately where the out of whack gland is that so that a surgeon can more easily find it to take it out. 

Guess where the surgery will occur?  It would require a slit across my neck!

Okay, a smaller slit, but still, a slit!

Right after I found about the potential surgery, I keep having the bloody vision of that deceased character in my head and then I laughed at it.  That is huge for my anxiety ridden self. What is the likelihood of seeing a bloody slit neck over and over for two weeks straight and then discovering I need to have my own neck sliced to heal myself?   

The universe's other funny bit is that in the same time period of watching that show, I started using a new cream...on my neck.  My children make fun of me because sometimes I fall for ads on social media.  I am now trying the "Go Pure Tighten and Lift Neck Cream."  I have noticed the things going on now with my neck... stupid selfies. 

Now, there will be a slit in that neck that I'm trying to lift and tighten and improve the appearance of.

The universe continues to give me opportunities to laugh and is telling me - Let Go.  Let go of the superficial!  I've earned all of these wrinkles, crepey skin, sun spots and the crinkle action in my neck.  I am beginning to embrace aging gracefully, but on the other hand I will never stop dyeing my hair...

Riley and Mallory do you hear me?! 

We all have a line. That is my line.  My beloved long term hairdresser says that my coloring doesn't fair well for grey hair.  I am going with that for now. I thoroughly embrace those who go with grey hair though.  

Most importantly, Laughter is the Best Medicine.  As I continue having medical issues, it would be really good for me to break up the fear and anxiety with some laughter.  I have noticed that in hospital settings in previous procedures,  many employees actively use humor to lighten things up.  Each time I am reminded, oh yeah, that is such a good thing. 

Namaste.