Yoga Class, My Dad and Intuition

I went to yoga yesterday which is always, always a good decision.  There was no background music during the class as the teacher's phone wasn't working.  There was just silence and the soothing voice of Carmen, the instructor.  The class was not as physically intense giving more time to let the mind and thoughts go...

Going through the motions and poses of class, I was aware that there was an older man next to me, During one particular exercise, we were laying on our backs and had to stretch out our arms and I had to look to make sure I would not hit him.  I also noticed he wasn't paying any attention to this.   Our hands were within an inch and a half of each other.  I had to hold my fingers up to avoid touching.

When I glanced at his hand, I saw his gold wedding band.  All of a sudden, the image of my dad's hands popped up in my head.  Emotion flooded me in an instant.  My dad's hands were thicker than mine and tanned from all of his time and work outside.  And I wished that I could look at them one more time.

Grief just seems to pop out of nowhere.

We were so close, yet able to finish that yoga sequence to completion without ever touching.  

I continue to be amazed at what emotion comes up in yoga and how it comes up so quickly and without any warning.  I am reminded that we store feelings in the body (and heart)  and that when we are quiet, or writing, or practicing yoga, "stuff" comes up.  And is it fun to feel this stuff??  Nooooo. (But it is healing and necessary to be whole hearted)

I don't want to go through the motions of life anymore, I want to have an open heart even if it is uncomfortable.  I'm learning to be curious and kind to all feelings that come up.  It is becoming crystal clear that mindfulness is the only way though compulsions.  And when one blocks or numbs feeling, you don't just block the so called "negative" emotions, you block joy and excitement and happiness too.

That afternoon, I head to Riley's softball game, I look up and there was Dad's cardiologist and my chest felt heavy again.  Really, today?!  This is not a coincidence.  (Holy Spirit!) We attend the same church but I don't see him very often but when I do,  I immediately think of dad.  I don't know him very well, essentially just through my parents and they really liked, admired and trusted him.  I felt called to go and speak to him.  We chatted for a while. He said what a nice man my dad was and when he took on Dad's case and looked through his thick chart and poor heart condition, how impressive it was that he lived as long as he did on peritoneal dialysis.  In essence, Dad stands as the poster child for living as long as he did under his complicated health conditions.

The most meaningful thing was that I was compelled to tell this doctor about the yoga class and the feelings about my dad that came up.  I took a risk yet he totally understood what had occurred as he himself had practiced yoga years back.  He knew what I was talking about.

I don't know why I decided to tell him what had been transpiring that day but I did.  I have learned my lesson so many times and experienced the blank stares from people who have not earned the right to hear my story and yet I tried to tell them anyway... I'm learning not to do that.

But today was meant to be. It worked out.  I listen to my intuition and I shared and was understood and comforted. It was a very precious moment.

(Listening to intuition is such a skillful practice and a God thing. This was a higher power moment. )

And the tears are still falling and the chest still gets heavy at times.  And it's not a bad thing.  It's a healing thing.  Who knew my dad would visit me in yoga?  I would never have put that together at all.  {smile}  After all, he had a good sense of humor.

Namaste.

I HEART The Mindy Project

I have a new TV obsession.  It's the Mindy Project.  Not sure how it happened but I'm so glad it did.

Dr. Danny and Dr. Mindy

The show is just slaying me right now.  And the interesting thing is that I started watching it in the middle of last season which was their second season and my appreciation didn't kick in until now.  I think I know why, but more on that later.

I found the first season at the library and had a marathon session over a several day period and just fell in love, head over heels in love. Dr. Mindy Lahari is an OB-GYN in NYC and the show is set at her practice with a collection of oddballs.  Really well defined odd ball characters that add immensely to the mix. She also happens to be of Indian descent and not a size 2.  As you know this is not the norm for a main female character in a sitcom.  There are blogs devoted to her character's fashion choices.  All very inspiring as I am not a size 2 either.
 
The Mindy Project is so well written and fast paced that I have to rewind it to catch the jokes. There was a bit where the character Morgan, the male nurse, high on a marijuana cupcake does a dive into what he thinks is the pool, and hits the ground with a thud.  I had to pause the show and just laugh.  A fantastically hard belly laugh.  I think the reason I never caught on to how good it was because of distraction.  I find myself watching a tv show, even one that I enjoy immensely while I'm on the internet - AT THE SAME TIME.

I wasn't paying attention.

That says something about my obsession with web surfing, being able to relax and I'm taking note.

Focus on one thing at a time.

When I don't focus on one thing at at time, stay in the present moment, I miss things.  I have found that when I'm really tired, I don't know how to disconnect.  My mind races and I go from website to website filling my head with trivial information.  When what I need to do is just sit still, rest the brain and decompress.

What really appeals to me about Dr. Lahari's character is that she owns herself, unapologetically.  She is who she is.  She doesn't fret, she just plows forward even if it is misguided.

And the show is hilarious.

Freaking hilarious.

I'm also obsessed with Dr. Danny too!  Or shall I say Diamond Dan.

The Mindy Project

I have fallen in love with "The Mindy Project"  I will explain why later. Just watch and enjoy.

She Read My Mind....

Summertime for stay-at-home parents must feel like being captured and sent back to Shawshank.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 13, 2013

OMG- Yesterday was one of those days.  Nine days of road trip vacation, first two weeks of being home alone with the kids and no solitude, and first day to realize that I never took a bath.  Ewww.
My neighbor told me about this comic on twitter.  She gets it, she really gets me!!

"Can't Even Talk About It"

Having one of those days where I am feeling raw feelings.  I walked past this Modern Family repeat episode and it made me smile enough to find it online, record, and upload to You Tube.  So here it is.

he he he

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I came across this movie "Bandits" on cable this afternoon.  It came out in 2001 when I was desperately trying to get pregnant.  It is all I thought about all of the time.  I wanted to be a mom so badly.  In hindsight I must have identified with Cate's character who is a desperate housewife and ends up running away with bank robbers played by Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis.  The scene in the kitchen was my favorite.

I played "Holding out for a Hero" repeatedly as I drove over and over to the fertility clinic for any number of procedures month after month.  I put the music on high and I sang loud and it gave me a bit of escape and energy when I felt like nothing was going right.

Another scene of the movie that just slayed me is below.  Both bank robbers have fallen for Cate.  Bruce's suave and charming character has convinced Billy Bob's highly suggestive hypochondriac character that he has a brain tumor.  The part where Billy Bob flops on the floor is just plain fantastic.  I posted 5 minutes of video because the backstory for me helps you to understand the flopping on the floor.  The dancing starts at 2 minutes 25 seconds if you want to skip ahead.



My favorite lines:
"I have to press A1, it's an obsessive compulsive thing"

"He woke up"

"Can I cut in?"  "Yeah, sure, I've lost the beat"


Laughter is the best medicine.

Do these writers have cameras in my house?

This really helped me laugh.

And now, back to regularly scheduled stress...

I had clear margins from my second melanoma skin biopsy!! I am thankful and relieved. And now back to regularly scheduled stress. I asked for prayers from my church, sunday school class, Facebook, and children's school. During the week plus of my active melanoma scare experience I stayed relatively relaxed. I credit this to prayers, lots of deep breathing and this journey to fear less, and love more. I purposely didn't look anything up online because there was nothing I could do about it, and I wanted to sleep at night and not heighten my anxiety.

Here is a clip from Big Bang Theory that I love and happens to be on the subject of prayer, in an offhand satirical way. (Please comment if satire is not the right word for this?) I was aware of a church growing up that wanted to lay hands on my friend to pray her head cold away. I know teetotalers. I also feel sure I know several who would want to pray the gay away.

Not so long ago, I would have seen this show and clip as blasphemous, and now I see it as really freaking funny. I had a really skewed vision of God. I feared God, felt him and the church judging me and was not open to the love coming in. I also felt I wasn't worthy of God's love. All of this is changing.

I wasn't sure if I should put my prayer request out there during "the scare" to ask my 600 friends on FB for prayers or in other places. I would definitely ask them on behalf of other people but not myself. Again, not feeling worthy of asking. Two of my FB friends, said how could we pray if we didn't know? Well, they had a point. I am worthy. I am learning this more and more as time goes on. As well as the fact, that God has a sense of humor. I really believe this to be true.

I'm Feel Numb And It's Not Just My Forehead

The last two days have been doozies. On Monday, I went to my dermatologist's office to try out Botox treatment for the first time. I had purchased a treatment at a reduced cost at an open house and decided I might add a little botulism to my life. Why not? I have some forehead wrinkles that I have been noticing more as of late but I didn't really know how I felt about starting Botox. I began wondering would I tell people, would I tell the girls? How does this fit in with the healthy life approach that I have been embracing. And that was the thought train I was on when I arrived at the office. And then...

I got to the clinic and remembered I had a mole biopsy two weeks prior and hadn't heard back about it. Weeks ago, at another clinic that I had been to for laser hair removal a nurse pointed out this mole and said to show it to my doctor. Back at the dermatologist's office, I brought up that mole biopsy and it became the classic scene that I know I have seen in a movie. First, the nurse couldn't find the paperwork, then she found it and said, "Oh, the doctor will be in to discuss this." That didn't sound good. My heart sank a little.

Several minutes later, the doctor walks in and I am hearing although it's bad news, it's good because it is "in situ." Malignant melanoma in situ was the diagnosis and "in situ" is good because in Latin it means "in place." It all sounds Greek to me and my heart sinks further.

What? I'm just stunned. It felt like slow motion just like the time I got in a car accident in Buffalo and I did a 180 on the snow covered highway. Even though I ended up on the shoulder, I watched in slow motion as the other car hit me. My car spinning around freaked him out and he hit me head on anyway.

I immediately had thoughts of being thankful for my vanity (!) that a) I got laser hair removal with a nurse who brought attention to this mole and b) I came into the office for Botox. In hindsight, I was really glad that I was in person to hear the news and could talk to the doctor directly.

She brought up that George could do the surgery or she could. It needed to be done in the next week or two. (I was ready then and there) She drew on my leg what the incision would look like. Sun damage was probably the cause. We would have to be more vigilant and check moles every 3 months for a period of time. And then we went ahead with the botox. We didn't discuss it, and it was already paid for, so why not.

I came home called a few friends and laughed as I said, "I feel numb and it's not just my forehead." The blog title jumped out at me. I laughed more about having discovered this while going for botox. Quite the irony. Laughter really is the best medicine. I don't really care who knows I have had Botox now.

I was not expecting this in the least. I had not concerned myself one iota with the shave biopsy, it was an afterthought that I brought it up. There has been so much going on and now Christmas is at hand. GaGa has worsened slightly. My dad has been doing well with his dialysis at home thus far. George has his Board exam on December 8th. Crazy busy.

So every year for the last few years, I have said I'm going to keep Christmas simple.

Well,

THIS... IS... THE... YEAR!

On Tuesday, I had the football shaped excision to remove the proper amount of skin around the mole deemed by the American Dermatological Association. I have a 2 inch incision that I am now tending to. And waiting for the biopsy results. I'm trying to push it out of my mind but the pain of the incision is quite the reminder.

I do feel like we caught it early. This is what the first biopsy results imply but the important results are five to seven days away. I can't exercise or do yoga for about a month. I'm having to rest. I'm enjoying mindless television right now and that is SO okay.

This story is to be continued...

Some Messages Just Can't Be Received...

I'm still participating in medicinal laugh therapy with old comedy shows. I came across this jewel from "Roseanne" the sitcom. I apologize for the shaking of the picture and the laughter that I am trying to squelch as I tape it and you will need to turn the volume up. I guess this gets my goat because some of my actions seem fruitless lately (but I know they are not) and some messages just aren't going to be received.

Laughter, a very good thing...

While I am in the kitchen cleaning and cooking with no DVR to be found, I have found myself flipping on reruns of shows that I have seen over and over like Friends, Sex and the City, or Everybody Loves Raymond. Ones that I know every word of dialogue, know what is coming and they make me laugh. And that is a very good thing because life is incredibly stressful right now. I think the key here is something reliable, and I know what's coming. But these shows are like old friends who show up and the chemistry is instantaneous.

This is a scene from Sex and the City that I came upon recently and it doesn't matter how many times I watch, it makes me giggle. It involves a scary clown at a one year olds birthday party, and a grey hair found "down there." There is some vulgar language, so be warned. But I think God has a sense of humor so it's okay. A few short years ago, I did not want to admit that I watched Sex and the City with my religious baggage, but now, it is my first clip ever uploaded to You Tube. All this therapy stuff IS working...

As this is from Season 6, these two characters are so fleshed out, and the actresses so good at these parts, it's like they are playing music. I hope it might have tickled you a little bit. Did it?