Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Learning to Golightly, One Emotional Mess at a Time

This morning I had the most uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to escape myself.

I really wanted to escape myself.

I wanted to run and hide from the agitation, the frustration, the anger, and the despair. I have been through this before and I will go through it again. I have learned that the feelings will move through eventually. Each time it happens to this magnitude, my sense is that it will never end. It feels like it will NEVER end. These are the types of feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel but ate through mindlessly on a daily basis. I pushed them down and used food to numb the pain, the anxiety, the angst and even unbelievably excitement. I did not know how to feel despair nor joy, the two ends of the emotional spectrum.

The problem with stuffing myself (or any compulsive activity that we humans engage in to avoid feeling) is those feelings stay buried and fester. As I journey to go lightly, to be more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy, I have embarked on having these feelings rise up and out. Therapy has dug up really old deep hurts and released them to a more tolerable level. Yoga has released them. I've learned when I laid on the massage table this week and felt tears come to my eyes, massage is a releaser. Normally, I would ask the professional, "Does this usually happen?" But, I didn't have to ask. I did not need verification, I've been on this journey a while and I am starting to be very familiar with myself. {smile}

Another difference today, dear reader, is that I can write this blog and not feel compulsed to explain why I was a mess this morning. I just was. The feelings just were. My feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. I am truly beginning to understand this truth expressed by my therapist so long ago when I had no clue as to what she was talking about. Being right or wrong was very imperative back then.

Now I understand it more fully, one aha moment at a time.

I am fine just as I am, and actually quite wonderful. I don't have to justify my actions, my thoughts, my views, my weight, my religion to anyone. I can be who I am, just as I am, just as my creator made me. Wow!

That is so incredibly freeing.

The first time I wrote this I had tears in my eyes and now I have a positive affirmation. Hot mess to positive affirmation all in a day's time, that is going lightly.


  1. This is one of my favorite blog posts ever...sorry it took me this long to get around to commenting. Ah life.

    1. Mine too Karen - it just flowed out. It is so wonderful when it just flows out.