Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Going With The Flow

I have been feeling very blah lately. My therapist says that I like to figure out why because that is who I am. Yet maybe I need to try something else? Is this a way of trying to control "negative" feelings, or to judge myself whether I should be feeling bad about anything, instead of meeting the feelings with kindness and wonder and letting them flow through? I have always felt the need to rationalize my feelings and it impedes them flowing through.

The facts: My mother in law, my ally, died one month ago after a long harrowing bout with cancer.
In December, I found out I had Melanoma In Situ on my lower leg which is clear now.
Summer is approaching and I will lose my sacred alone time which rejuvenates my soul so much.

My friend Karen C L Anderson who has written a book and a blog, "Before and After: A Real Life Story" recently posted Michael J. Fox's quote from this past Sunday's Parade section. “I don’t look at life as a battle or as a fight. I don’t think I’m scrappy. I’m accepting. I say ‘living with’ or ‘working through’ Parkinson’s. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation – it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it. I look at it like I’m a fluid that’s finding the fissures and cracks and flowing through.”

I love how he puts this. It encapsulates my journey "To Golightly." Acceptance is the first step. Acceptance of my past and who shaped me, and the untrue stories I carried about myself, of the people around me, and acceptance of who I authentically am. Life is fluid, and that old saying to go with the flow makes sense now in a way that I could never have fathomed.  

This past weekend, George mentioned to me that it might be feasible in our future, to buy another house. We visited this nearly 3 years ago and did not go through with it. I jump on this new house hunting idea like white on rice. Weeks prior, while riding my bike in the back of the neighborhood I noticed that a house was on the market which started my mind going. It was just a bit bigger with the perfect layout (upstairs bonus room for the kids, office space for George and TWO computer nooks to hide my messy office) By Sunday, I had called the realtor to look at it, and contacted another friend to find out the value of our home. This dream house was under contract but that didn't stop me, I began a strategic search of homes for sale in our price range and area on the internet. We did go and look at one house that afternoon in a nearby neighborhood.  An adrenaline of excitement was flowing for the first time in a while.

That evening in bed, we discussed the house and mutually agreed that we should not start this endeavor, as it is so much work. GaGa just died and we need time to process. It has been a long year plus. We are tired. I now understand the truth about not making big decisions after losing important persons in your life.

I had a judgement of myself going on about this process and my desire to get a little more space. I run it over in my head whether it's a good idea to leave this fantastic location, or just stay put and upgrade our current home, etc. And then it occurred to me that I really enjoy looking at houses online and in person. And bottom line, there hasn't been much fun, or many planned joyful activities of late. Seriously, not much fun at all. I watched a loved one very painfully shrink to nothing over a two year period and we all suffered. I was diagnosed with skin cancer for gosh shakes. I NEED SOME FUN! If dreaming about potential future homes is fun, then I should not judge it and just enjoy it and dream yet move slowly and thoughtfully.

So for now, I will accept GaGa's death and the feelings that come my way, my blahness and also that I enjoy looking at houses online. I will go with the flow knowing that there is a way through.

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