I Needed To Not Feel Alone

Ernest Hemingway once said: "In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much."

Ernest Hemingway may or may not have said that.  Everything on Facebook is not true! I tried to investigate but I couldn't tell if it was accurate. So it might be true. What I did want to say is that the wisdom in the sentiment is very true. 

We were recently on a week long vacation in Rhode Island. I plan the itinerary (with many reminders from eldest)  and on an annual basis, I forget to schedule in downtime. After several full days of going, I hit a wall of exhaustion.   One morning, I was just so very done. I was beside myself.   I tried to communicate to my husband and eldest daughter this overwhelm that I was experiencing and it wasn't landing.  I was getting blank stares which are the worst.  I will admit that I tend to repeat things to try to desperately get what I'm looking for and that makes it worse. 

 My younger daughter was still sleeping while I was talking with husband and eldest. When she and I were alone after she remarked she was tired too, I strategized with her, and said, "I need you on my team."  

I need you on my team. 

She then remarked she meant she hadn't woken up yet.  I sighed. In that moment, I just needed someone to be on my team. 

I needed to not feel alone. 

We went on with our plans that morning and I repeated before we left the airbnb that I planned for down time in the afternoon.  We went on our way, we had lunch and then I was going to get dropped off while they went on to do another activity.  They kept talking, and decided to postpone the activity until tomorrow.  So everyone came home and had down time (because we all needed it!) 

Somewhere along the way,  I had an epiphany that I didn't need everyone to feel the same way I did.    What I end up doing in an instance like this, is trying to convince others why I was tired, why I needed down time.  It felt truly awful, that I was having to rationalize my feelings to others.  If I feel it, that is my experience.  I knew I needed to approach it in a different way. The epiphany was that what  I needed in those moments earlier was a gentle presence of understanding.  

I needed a knowing look of compassion. My husband and I have been together for 32 years.  He is a problem solver and surgeon who literally cuts out problems in life, so we have tangoed with this for a long time. We are making progress. Several weeks ago, I was upset about something, and he walked over to me, sat down and put his arm around me and said nothing. But he was present with me in that moment and that was what I exactly needed.  This simple (!) human connection as Hemingway may or may not have talked about is related to our past trauma.  I was having anxiety over not being able to keep going for myself and disappointing my family.

I have been led down a new path of understanding trauma in the body, especially related to the generalized anxiety I have.  A few years ago a friend mentioned the book, "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.  And suddenly, I began seeing this message everywhere and how the body was the holder of all trauma. The body was the temperature gauge for all things emotional, etc. For years, I stayed in my head and wanted to rationalize everything that was happening to me. I also thought I just need to learn how to relax, to meditate, to freaking calm down!  Anxiety would paralyze me and I wanted to get rid of it in any way possible. But slowly with the aid of my wonderful therapist and eventually the use of Internal Family Systems Therapy, I learned that I needed to reparent myself and learn how to be with whatever came up and welcome it.  Could this BE any more opposite to what I had been doing for decades?  It was daunting work to make friends with everything that came up because there was a LOT pushed down. Little by little I learned to sit with the immense sadness, abandonment, and shame. 

I needed to be the gentle presence for myself. 

I may have written this same sentiment before but it's taking me a while to grasp to welcome ALL feelings, and not fight them off.  It goes against every fiber of my being. 

After decades of looking outside myself, and staying in my head looking for answers, I have learned to stop and have a conversation with the younger version of myself.  That younger version is guiding me every minute and I have to welcome, befriend and heal her. She is not going away.  She is my guide. 

She is my guide and I must pay attention and nurture her. 

I must be her gentle presence. 

Namaste. 

Entering New Territory: The Empty Nest

We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago.  Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break.  She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away.  We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed. 

One car came home solo on that Sunday.  

The nest is now empty. 

There is so much meaning to that small statement. 

My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!).  The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.  

I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.  

I don't feel depressed right now.  There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds.  This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder.  It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often.  The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence.  One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!  

We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall.    What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg.  This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night.  I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting.  I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans.  She is branching out and coming to be with George and I.  On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in. 

So what is hitting me is now what?  What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters.  I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally.   I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma.  And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality.  It's all inner work!

What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way.  And now, I just want to be. 

I just want TO BE for a little bit.  

I'm tired.  I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom.  Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children?  Never.  I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse.  But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children. 

I need to reset.  I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.  

George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well.  I believe we still like each other!  We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone. 

My children still need me in different ways.  The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer.   They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive.  I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.

Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter.  I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps.  I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now. 

I Go To the Gym to Meditate (Not Exercise)

My relationship with the gym is changing.  Old school me would have to make myself go, because I'm supposed to be there and it was based on looks. Now at fifty-five, it's more about being able to move and function!  I hope to have grandchildren one day and I want to be active with them.  When we took a two week nonstop group trip to Europe this summer,  I wanted to be able to keep up and not struggle, so I trained.  Moving my body now, makes me feel good. 

I also am learning that sitting with my body and thoughts, makes me feel good. 

Actually, better than the gym does. 

As a person who has suffered with anxiety forever (and didn't know it), hypervigilance and people pleasing, I had no idea how much I needed to be still and know that I am.  

Recently, I realized that the only classes I was actually attending at Woman's Center for Wellness were "Yoga Nidra" (gentle yoga with 20 minute guided meditation)  and a  "Breathe and Connect" which was total meditation.  I was going to the gym to meditate?!!  At first, I thought I'm a slacker, but then I discovered practicing in a group honed my skills and that is what I needed at this time.  

I have heard about meditation forever.  I knew it was SO good but when I sat down and tried over the years, I struggled.  I would try here and there.   At church, it was called centering prayer.  I remember sitting in a graduate school class and trying to breathe as instructed and making myself dizzy.  I did not take to it naturally at all.  

It has taken decades to gain this skill.  When I was taking more intense yoga classes and at the short shavasana at the end, emotions would come up and that freaked me out.  I was not okay with what came up because yoga was supposed to be relaxing.  

There is a good Netflix series called "Headspace: Guide to Meditation" by Andy Puddicombe.  He describes meditation as: "a skill of training our mind so that we can have a calmer, clearer mind and a greater sense of ease in our mind, our body and our life."  Andy reports how science has studied how meditation affects heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels and even the structure of the brain.  I can actually change the hardwiring of my brain to lessen anxiety.   That seems really unfathomable to me, but I am slowly seeing that very thing occurring. 

All of that sounds good doesn't it, but it's really REAL.

Mr. Puddicombe also describes how he thought he could think himself out of losses in his life.  I so identify with this.  I wanted to excise any negative emotion that came up.  My feelings frightened me. I was phobic of them.  He states that training the mind is about changing our relationship with the passive thoughts and feelings that come up.  We change our perspective on them and we naturally find a place of calm.  

Ding! Ding! Ding!

This immediately reminds me of an instagram post I read recently.  The opening slide attributed to Lexi Florentina states: We don't actually heal or "get rid of" our pain, trauma or grief.  Instead, we build capacity to coexist with it in a way where presence, safety, and joy can also take place.  

And then she takes the idea further...

Wow! 

The trauma, pain and distress will always be with us, but it is less intense as we process it.  With my therapist, I have processed some of my trauma, and I learned to be with it using IFS therapy.  Over time, I became less emotionally overwhelmed and began to welcome and nurture the scared, anxious, abandoned parts of my younger self. 

I can see now that meditation is a version of this.  I watch my thoughts go by and not attach to them or become them.  I use breathing as a major component to come back to the present as the restless thoughts always appear.  Sometimes, I repeat a positive intention word over and over.  There's so many ways. 

I'm so glad the gym offers Yoga Nidra and Breathe and Connect classes and I tried them!  They strengthened my meditation practice greatly.  One teacher was new to me but her meditation and the calming, nurturing way she led the guided meditation in shavasana was exactly what I needed.  The other teacher was one that I have taken classes from for years and she has taught me during that time to be kind and gentle with myself and send love to the parts of the body that we were stretching.  

So meditation and cardio.  Yoga Nidra and strength training.  The gym can be a place to meditate. 

Both/And

 

Namaste.

Taking A Break From Therapy But Not Healing

 A Quote from Jeff Brown

“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”

This really resonates at this point in time.  I am taking a break from therapy.  I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years.  I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist.  I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts.  It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work.  I could be affected for a day or longer.  I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.  

It's not an easy path.

 

It's slow growth.

But I am thrilled that I am still on it.  Every small awareness leads to others down the road. 

The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."  

This is that practice.

Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now.  I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance.  That is a key to my journey now.  Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me. 

"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."

I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life.  The thoughts in my head are so cruel.  I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me.  The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.

Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years.  This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety.  The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice.  Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.  

One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice.  Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga.  I found Nidra Yoga.  And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative.  For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not. 

Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward.  This is reparenting myself:  listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside. 

Namaste. 

Changes Are A Coming

My firstborn graduated from high school in May.  This is something both very exciting and exquisitely bittersweet all at once.  Our bird is flying the nest.  It's such a cliche but it's my cliche now, up close and personal.   I have worked really, really hard to make it the best nest possible.  I made an intention very early on in regards to my offspring to be emotionally present for them.  I didn't even know what that meant, I just knew I needed to be emotionally connected.  I ended up looking at patterns in my life and worked to change the ones that weren't helpful.  I wanted my girls to know, I was on their side, and had their back and they could talk to me.  Every human being longs to have connection with someone who sees them and hears them...just as they are even if they are not on the same page. 

What I didn't expect was along the way, I would learn how to care for my own self. 

I am learning how to do be present for myself, to listen to the divine intuition that is a magnificent guide for how to proceed.  It can be just a small flicker of a thought that registers for but a second, and I have learned over time...LISTEN TO IT.  Lean into it. 

In my head, I very much want my eldest daughter to gain her independence as she moves six hours away but for my heart, this departure has been unfathomable for years.   Watching a movie or tv scene of the drop off at college has ripped me to pieces. 

So now it's our turn. 

From the very beginning, to bring Riley into the world, we struggled.  It was a two year journey which included horrendous fertility treatments.   We finally succeeded, and then we brought our bundle of joy home and I went off the deep end.  My postpartum depression was not only unbearable sadness but relentless anxiety.  Anxiousness permeated every thought and decision and it was never ending.  It was a very rough few months and the pictures where I smiled betrayed what was really going on.  There are moments of time that are hardened in my mind as the worst of my life and it was during this period.  

I eventually sought help and began coming out of it.  (I didn't know how to clearly communicate and ask for help) The first night of taking an anti-depressant was one of those.  I didn't sleep at all (which was already a problem) and for hours truly thought that I was going to have to be hospitalized and the baby was going to be taken away. 

The pervasive loneliness, isolation and feelings of losing my mind slowly lessened but it has stayed with me.  When I think of that time, the pain is easily brought to the surface. 

As a baby, Riley was my constant and the learning of unconditional love.  It was the two of us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week with George popping in every now and then.   I was her meal ticket and it seemed to never end.  She looked to me for everything and I wanted to learn how to do "that."  In the beginning I faked smiled and singsonged through it.  And over the years through much hard work,  the fake smile became genuine.  With therapy, I began learning who I was, how to be in the moment, and how to feel everything that came my way.  I learned that feelings are not who I am, and they are energy that will flow if you allow them.  

The letting the energy flow has been one of the hardest skills to learn. 

In this past year, I'm learning with some very intense therapy to be caring and nurturing towards all my deeply seeded parts of pain and anxiety.   I am going back and addressing times of trauma that are imprinted in my soul.  Trauma doesn't have to be a horrific one time event.  It is something that gets trapped in your psyche because you did not know how to handle the situation at hand.  And each person handles the same life situations differently.   In therapy, long forgotten scenes pop in my mind that made a lasting impression.  These times are the foundation for my emotional muscle memory.  This is what I act out of every day.   "The Body Keeps The Score" book by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has been one of my sources to understand how deeply embedded events in our lives end up affecting us for life. 

Some of those moments I can still picture in my head from our old house are when Riley was a baby and I felt utterly helpless, alone and teetering on the brink.  Over and over and over again, I didn't think I was going to survive.  Through my therapist, I am processing these times with all the skills that I have now.  It is a reconciling that I never knew I needed but has been so powerful.  Slowly these feelings don't terrify me as they did in the past. 

But now...my eldest is venturing off.  The child inside of me feels like she will be overwhelmed and decimated by this loss, if I label it a loss.   I am grieving her evolving to a new stage of life and I know I am not alone.  She will still need me, but it is in a new and different way than the last eighteen years.  She will not be in our home.  She will not be in my physical presence everyday and her room will be empty.  

{Time out for crying.}  

 The pain energy will move through, the crying jags will recede. Life will change and we will adjust.  At times, this summer, as we don't see things eye to eye, I have moments where I think, oh my gosh, yes, it's time and then I quickly move back to, I am going to miss her like the dickens. 

On her end, my eldest is both excited and scared as well. Coming out of the crazy pandemic which rocked
her last two years of high school and Italy trip (!) this structure loving girl is ready to establish a new routine in her new place.  She is discombobulated once again and has lots to do to get ready to move on.  She needs my help.  It turns my stomach sometimes as I engage in college virtual seminars and then I talk to the scared part and it passes.  I am working to be present for her as much as possible while tending to my own needs.  It's not pretty at all and it's not photogenic. 

Yet, this is THE new learning curve.   Both/and.  Both being present for her AND myself. 

We can do hard things.  We have done hard things and we can do them again. 

We will both survive, and thrive and there may be dips and valleys along the way, but that is life. 

Namaste.