A Formal Gown, Spanx, Tanning Cream and LOVE

Few people see the body as it really is but imagine what they would like it to be.  The fantasy of an ideal body comes with the false premise of eternal happiness and unconditional acceptance by others ~ from Institute for the Psychology of Eating

This one as it appeared in my Facebook feed really made me think.   George and I have been invited to a formal event.  I hesitated and then began to get excited.  Good food, great music and the ability to dance!

And then there is the attire...a long gown.  {grimace}

2010: Mardi Gras Ball and we didn't know a soul except for the Krewe King.

With time to kill at the mall, Riley and I went into a store that had long dresses and I tried a few on.  I have gained a few pounds and my mind has been beating myself up for this.  I've been working on this issue of weight for so long.  I've been in therapy... for so long.  Why haven't I achieved my goal of losing weight?   

Well, a little thing called self-love has gotten in the way.  

In the past, the times I lost weight and got to what would be my goal weight now, it was great, fantastic, and wonderful.  Every pound lost was so exciting and seemed to chipped away at a sad feeling inside.  I bought new smaller sized clothing.  But yet something inside felt like I was an imposter.  And of course, I gained the weight back.

I was still the same person inside, who felt small.  Who had no voice.  And who feared most everything from moment to moment.  Who felt fear instead of LOVE.

My first thought about finding a dress for the gala, was "Oh no."  And then knowing everything flows from my thoughts, I changed them.  I really want to go.  I want to have an evening out with my husband.  I want to get dressed up, have my hair done, accessorize and have some fun!

I know at this juncture in my long slow journey, that I can change my thoughts about the feelings that pop in my head.  The feelings are not bad, they just are.  I have come to understand on this long slow journey that it will continue to be long and slow.  I will lose some weight, but it will come as I continue to accept myself and love my authentic self and do the inner work.  It is all about the inner work.

I hesitate to write what I want to next because it sounds "cray cray" as I overcome my fundamentalist baggage.  God made me this way and his love is huge.  As I began to grasp this notion and let it sink in, I am more accepting of myself (and those around me.)  It has been said that God (or higher power) loves us more than what I feel for more children.  And that love is overwhelming.

I am beginning to feel that love from God.  And it really is all about unconditional love.

But that doesn't mean I won't wear Spanx or get a spray tan.

This is my back up dress.  I tried it on yesterday.

Knight is a family name. I'm not that inebriated.