Today, I tried something new which I have been avoiding. You know that idea that makes sense and their is a tugging that you should do it but you let it go because you are not ready to go "there" yet. I sat and ate my breakfast without any media device along with it (or people.) No television, no lap top, no Words with Friends. It wasn't an especially remarkable experience because it didn't take me long to eat my breakfast, and Mallory came into chat and I could hear Phineaus and Ferb in the background the whole time. But I started and that was the point. Baby steps. More focus on the food that goes into my mouth. I have come a long way but still have to be intentional, every day. Twenty four seven.
This work towards healing my relationship with food (code for healing my relationship with myself) is so hard. At times it is such a struggle. Right now I feel a little stuck and I know why. I actually know that I have made HUGE strides but the struggle continues and that is what is important. Intentionality. It is SO important to keep going. One of the things that I realized is that the difficulties will keep coming and they do. I had an "interesting" (that's code) powerful phone call from someone important recently and I am still processing it. It was wrapped ugly, but I was able to do something that I had been wanting to do for a LONG time and the "ugly" gave me the opportunity that I could not do on my own and I took it. It wasn't perfect but it finally happened.
The difficult "stuff" keeps coming, it's how I handle it. How I stand up for myself, how I frame it. I have to think out of the box. Let go of the old loyalties and keep the new ones, feel the emotions that I want to run from. I will make mistakes, other people will make mistakes and I will keep going. I just don't want to use food anymore.