It's my Birthday and I will cry if I want to.

Today is my birthday, I am 42. Birthdays have been difficult as an adult. I believe there is the child in me that wants to feel special on my birthday and I expect that from other people and it doesn't happen. Several years back, I decided to take charge of my own birthday and treat myself. I buy my own present and generally go for spa treatments if I can. Last year WAS a fun birthday because it was Sunday, and our church announces your birthday if it falls on a Sunday. It was special to have my large church family tell me Happy Birthday. I had waited many years for my birthday to fall on a Sunday when they started the practice. And then on Facebook, a plethora of people sent me wishes. I secretly love that facebook tells everyones it is your birthday.

I had a discussion years ago with a friend who felt the same exact way I did about birthdays. Our expectations were never met. I think I understand better about my birthdays now. Other people have hated their birthdays, why didn't I develop that attitude sooner?!? And I have to change my expectations yet they die hard. I don't think anyone else could make me feel special now except myself. Yesterday after lunch, we had cake and I opened presents with George and the girls and GaGa. I really didn't want to do it yesterday because I wanted to save it for today but George would be leaving early and is on call so he may or may not be here this evening. And the kids wanted me to open the presents. It's always about them, you know. Riley and George for the first time used the sewing machine that Riley got for Christmas. They made a little purse and put my cards in it, she was so proud. Mallory wanted to help me open the presents AND would not shut up about the cake. I had to let go of what I wanted to do for my kids. It's a balance. Finding my way for me to take care of myself and to take care of my children, but the child in me was fighting them. They gave me scrabble with this note attached. No hinting around there and I'm not taking it personally.

On another note, I have been in hiding since Saturday afternoon. I went for an early birthday facial as I had a horrible blemish by my mouth. Warning graphic description: it was about 4 whiteheads in one and was huge. The esthetician was so excited about being able to get after it. I'm go glad I could give her that pleasure. I wasn't in hiding about the blemish, it was for the brow and lip wax that took the top layer of skin off around my eyebrows and upper lip. For years, I have been using a retinoid type product that makes my skin sensitive but I had never had this reaction before, and this esthetician did caution me, but now I WILL NEVER WAX AGAIN. She really went after it and used a lot of wax and a lot of pulling. My eyebrows were on fire when I left and I turned pinker by the minute especially in the 100 degree heat. The pinkness is starting to fade but I haven't touched my face in two days except to generously reapply Neosporin. So I have a greasy pink face with a healing blemish. Hello 42!!

Yet I am extremely grateful to turn 42 and for all of my blessings. I LOVE my family, I didn't know I could love anything so much as these two girls who rock my world on a daily basis. I am so thankful to have George as my partner in life. I have friends whom I adore and put up with me and my self-examinations. I am continually making new friends who have the same interests. I have health and am learning to take care of myself. I have a roof over my head, my husband has a job, which allows me to have my unpaid job. I am grateful. Yeah 42!! Bring on the birthday!