Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Weight Equals Happiness?

Oh, holy heck.  This one hit me right between the eyes.

Months ago when I went to the doctor and found out I had gained seven (more) pounds, for several days I felt like my life had taken a turn for the worse.  I have been on a path of enlightenment to lose weight, not gain it and this is putting me even further away from wherever my natural weight is.  (What is my natural weight? - that is still a mystery)

I can see how dramatic that was now but it worked into an aha moment that continues to sink in.  I wrote about in on February 22 and it was called "Seven Pounds and a Palpable Shift."

Walking around with the extra seven pounds and learning to accept and love myself "as is" is a HUGE (!) endeavor but one fully worth taking.  And the truth is that when I weighed less after dieting for about ten minutes,  my world did not change as I anticipated.  It was more fun to go shopping and get dressed but I still had the same insecurities and incessant thoughts plaguing me.

I still lived in fear on a day to day basis and at the whim of my feelings which overwhelmed me.  I didn't realize I lived in fear until I slowed down enough to realize it.   The last years of therapy and intense self examination have led to more understanding of where I came from, who I am authentically and most of all, how to handle my feelings and thought processes.  Shifting my thoughts from fear to love on a daily basis has been an incredible journey and one that I will continue the rest of my life.  Worrying about my looks and weight does not move me in a positive direction at all.  And most importantly, my weight does not indicate my self worth.

I have slowly come to realize that the inner journey "stuff" FASCINATES me, rocks my boat and that is who I am.  For most other people, not so much.   Ye that is who I am authentically. And that is okay that I'm different from other people.  Accepting this about myself is very freeing.  I beat myself up a lot over this one.  Now I become so excited when I find another person on the path.  The "inner journey people" are few and far between because one would have to slow down, stop the madness of compulsive activity that keep us from thinking and examine and that may be too painful to do.  Some people there have to hit rock bottom to propel them on the journey.   It is a painful journey but oh so freeing at the same time.

So, as I come across this picture and words on my Facebook feed, I had a happy dance in my mind.  Because that is who I am and someone else out there gets it!

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