Learning to Live with The Energy: Donald Trump, Susan Boyle and Christmas

Over the last 7-8 years, I have taught myself how to feel my feelings again.   The years during infertility and especially postpartum depression really affected me.  I cried so much during that period of time, it was exhausting and I recall the despair very easily. I did not want to go down that rabbit hole of darkness and despondency ever again.

When I showed up in therapy (to lose weight) (smile),  I didn't know that I had made an unconscious decision not to cry anymore.  I learned over the next few months and years, that wasn't a good move.  It was protective, but not healthy for my soul at all.  Most of our society runs from it's feelings and compulsively avoids them at all costs.  It runs the gamut:  alcohol, shopping, religion, sports, legal and illegal drugs, food, cleaning, hoarding, perfectionism of anything, and the latest one, electronic devices which are all used to avoid the energy that is part of life.

How many times have you heard that it is a bad thing to cry?  "I'm sorry I made you cry." "Please don't cry."

I am learning to make friends with that energy that comes my way naturally every day.  And make friends with all of it including the so called negative emotions of anxiety, grief, fear and sadness.  As well as the "positive" ones: joy, laughter, and fun.  It was most surprising to me that when you block feelings and stay numb, you block all of them even the "good" ones.

I have had to learn how to have fun, be playful again because having fun made me extremely uncomfortable too.

Seriously.

Life is full of despair.  It will come again.  That is guaranteed.  As does the joy.

In therapy, I lost my religion, gained a loving relationship with God and most importantly learned to let go of fear (what I was running from avoiding the feelings) and embrace LOVE.  Hence, the title of my blog.

It takes so much practice though.  And it's very uncomfortable in the beginning and at times, I still freeze up.

But life will give you practice.

Death, Sickness, Terrorism, Donald Trump for President.  (grin)

In decorating for Christmas, thoughts turn to my mother in law.  She loved Christmas especially knick knacks.  We went through more of her belongings this past weekend and let go of more Christmas knick knacks.  As we played holiday tunes on the way to school this morning, I had a thought that I should have held on to some of those knick knacks.

Yet, I hate knick knacks.

So as I was cleaning up, I felt myself in that most uncomfortable place of sadness sitting on my chest.  How do I let it flow?  Hmmm.  I had pulled out Christmas CD's the night before. What music will make me cry?

I put on Susan Boyle and listened to "Perfect Day" which did the trick.

"Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you"

The tears fell.  I felt like Ga Ga was with me.  And she was.

And the energy has passed for now.

Some more will come again.  That is life.

Namaste.

Peace During The Chaos of Christmas

"At the still point, there the dance is." T.S. Eliot

It's the mad, mad Christmas season.  Way too much to do.

Way too much to do.

I now know myself that I need down time and quiet almost as much as I need oxygen.

I'm not kidding.

I have come to understand how very, very, utterly important it is.  It is when the best of me comes out.  (you know that thing… what do you call it? oh yeah- In touch with the Divine Inner Presence) That is when I feel peace and calm and everything feels right with the world.  I feel I can love the entire world and even those who are the most unloveable. (I find more and more that is myself)  It is when my creativity flows.  It is when I can cry and be sad or feel utter joy and gratitude or just sit and be.

And the way that it intermingles around those moments or hours or days of anxiety and fear that make the peaceful quiet moments even that much sweeter.

But I have to be still to feel it.  I have to be in the present moment.  Not worrying about the next thing.  Not worrying about what did or did not happen in the past. It has taken several years of a conscious shift in my thoughts to begin to do this on a regular basis. It takes so much practice, practice, and more practice.

To be in the present moment.

I treated myself and Mallory to a pedicure on Saturday afternoon.  I had been wanting to have my feet "worked on" for several weeks.   The family had gotten up and 6:00am that morning on a Saturday for Mallory and George to participate in the Girls on the Run race.  I lost my good $$ reading glasses on the field.  George and I had two Christmas parties to attend that night (an introvert's first world nightmare).  Mallory had a birthday party to go to in an hour and a half.  There was laundry out the wazoo that needed to be washed or folded or put away.  There were more Christmas presents to buy.  There were outside decorations to be put up.  There were more ornaments to be put on the tree.  There were boxes to be put away.  The house was (and is) a mess.  There were more Christmas cards to be addressed.  I had no idea what I was going to wear that night.  My hair had not been washed in several days.   There were more thoughts to be had in my head to figure out logistics, etc…and you get the idea…

And the Christmas music was blaring. (and it was not a soothing instrumental)

But as I sat with my feet soaking in the water and being tended to, I was so enthralled in the moment.  I put my head back, closed my eyes, ignored the crappy music and breathed deeply.  I had looked forward to this moment for several weeks.   It was a peace orgasm.  Even amongst the chaos, my mind settled down and I was IN THE MOMENT.  Many months ago, I had a FB acquaintance write about her first ever pedicure experience and the description of it was so detailed and her enjoyment and pleasure of the experience was eye-opening.  She was ecstatic at something I took for granted.

I can enjoy and be at peace with most anything I have to- if I change my thoughts about whatever it is.

Thoughts are so powerful.

If we can be in the present moment, the exquisiteness of being alive is overwhelming.

(And my toes are the prettiest shade of red.)

Namaste.

Christmas Stress, Part 1

It's that time of year.  Christmas stress.  Fa la la la la, la la la. Yuck.

It's the most wonderful time of the year…

NOT.

I tried to keep it at bay.  I tried to say, "oh no, not this year." I'm going to remain calm and let it roll.  And it worked up until yesterday.  And then I felt this tension and irritability creep in.

Oh my gosh, there is TOO MUCH TO DO.

I sat down to start to write the annual Christmas letter.  It takes much drafting and tweaking.   I have been writing them for more than a decade.  It's a tradition that I love.  I have all of our old cards and the letters in chronological order in a Christmas album - and I don't usually have anything finished like that.  I thought, I just want to send my cards out,  do I have to write a letter?  My cards have been sitting in a box for over a week, waiting.

I have been working hard to keep it simple.  There is no perfectionism anymore.  I realized a few years back to let go of perfectionism.

In addition to the Christmas errands and duties which are multiplying right before my eyes.  There are other things that need to be taken care of.  And when I feel there is too much to do, or I get anxiety, I freeze.

That is not helpful for the to do list.  See I'm writing a blog instead of writing the letter.

To be continued

Can I Leave the White Lights Up All Year?

My first post of 2014!! I didn't make my quota of meeting the same number of posts as the previous year.  Oh well.

Today is the second day of the new year.  Last night, I was thinking that it was time to work to take the Christmas decorations down.  And I'm not looking forward to that task.  I cleaned up for nearly two hours yesterday morning and that didn't even begin to touch the Christmas decorations.  The house is just ransacked.  But that is what it looks like when we are home for two weeks straight.

The last couple of years I haven't helped to put the ornaments on the tree.  The kids did it with George.  I did help pick out the three, get it straight but I was working on other things around the house.  And that makes me a little sad.  But I will purposely help take them down, because I enjoy all of the ornaments.  Most of them are from places we visited as well as ones made by the kids.  Each one is a special gift and memory.

This morning when I awoke, and began to mentally prepare to clean up more,  I walked into the kitchen and was pleasantly surprised by the white lights still twinkling outside the window.  For each day the decorations are still up, I get to enjoy the white lights.

I love these lights.  

I love the light in the darkness, especially if I end up walking the dogs at night.  Wow, could that be any more symbolic?  The light in the darkness.  I won't push George to get those off the gutters and maybe even try to slow him down on that one.

 I do want to get the dead tree out of the house, but I don't mind living with the twinklies for a little longer.

Well dear readers, I appreciate each and every one of you and wish for you the blessings of a new year!

Nurturance and Christmas...

On the first weekend of December this is how it went down: Friday night holiday open house, Saturday Morning Breakfast with Santa, Saturday night Sunday School Christmas Party, Sunday morning Advent lesson with meaningful meditation, Sunday night Monthly Covenant Group, Book Study Group AND delightful Hanging of the Greens service with Children's singing.

Yes, the Christmas season has started off with a bang.  I cannot keep this pace up.  I wanted to do each and every function yet I was exhausted.  During the whole weekend, I kept thinking I can't do this.  I can't keep up.  But if I tell myself this, my mind will struggle and work against me the whole time.   This much I have learned.  What you tell yourself, you believe.

So Saturday, when I started raising my voice with Mallory, I knew it was time to cocoon, and I did. I took to the bed and rested.  And still hanging over all of social time was: laundry, present buying, travel arrangements, and Christmas cards that are sitting in boxes.

As we were leaving church Sunday morning, I had a headache brewing, my throat hurt and again, I knew I needed to rest before the evening's functions, which I did.  That rest was going to keep me sane.

This was and is taking care of myself.    And then... George came in to complain about a task,  I didn't "complete."  In that moment,

I

DID

NOT

CARE

and I expressed that vehemently.

Now, any number of gurus whom I have learned brilliant ideas from would say, "Do you want to engage in this disagreement in this moment?"  Perhaps George was saying his truth which I turned in my exhausted state into my faulty thought processes which are:  I'm not good enough and I can't keep up and doesn't everyone else handle this better than I do?  

With my new thought processing, what I could have done was lean back,  listen and acknowledge because what he was complaining about was something I agreed with but it was not going to happen in his time frame.

What I really really wanted and needed was some empathy and understanding.  What I heard was criticism and judgement.  As I come to know myself and have greater awareness is what I have missed most is nurturance.  My biggest lesson is that I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO MYSELF.  No one else can do it for me.  There are persons who are evolved and in that place themselves to give of themselves, but I don't know any of those people.  Ha Ha!!  AND importantly,  I would have to ask for it in clear language.

So today as I clean up the house, do laundry, work on the multitude of Christmas tasks, I have taken the time to sit down to write because I have missed it.  My last blog was November 18th - way too long ago. Writing is nurturing for me, and being creative energizes me.

So what have I learned?  Will I lean back and acknowledge the next time I am given critique?   I don't know.  I don't have to be perfect all the time, yet now there is the option to consider acknowledging what is being said and then asking for what I truly need in that moment as well.  And if it can't be given, I can still give it to myself.

Communication is so critical to relationships.  Yet it is so fundamentally hard to do with the right timing, tact and tone.  I am willing to try though.

May you be able to nurture yourself in whatever manner restores your soul during this hectic time of the holidays.

Namaste!

Burnt Out

Christmas 2011 has come and gone.

This is what I have learned about Christmas, there are positively wonderful moments and then there are sad and depressing moments and some in between. THAT IS NORMAL and I have to allow my feelings through it. In a "normal" Christmas without death hanging over, there is anxiety about getting everything done, deciding what exactly "everything" is and plowing forward. I did keep it simple this year, especially with my melanoma experience and George's boards in the middle of it and it was manageable. It was actually really good. I experienced highs of seasonal lights, giving and receiving of Christmas cards, the excitement of my girls, and Silent Night sung in candlelight at church. We had a weekend in New Orleans and it was SO good to get away.

Just got off the phone with the hospice social worker as she had visited with Mary yesterday. I thought I was emotionally "okay" with dealing with Mary, I thought I had "managed" the holidays. I talked with the social worker and she asked how Christmas with Mary went, fairly easy question, right? I started talking and then the emotions came up. In reality the part of Christmas we spent with her which were just visits to the nursing home were dreadful, really really dreadful. It is horribly depressing and sad and one cannot come out of a visit unscathed. But George and I powered through it, we brought presents for the girls to distract them on Christmas Eve before going to church services and then again on Christmas day.

When we walked in on Christmas day, as she was laying face up in her bed asleep, both George and I thought the same thing. Is she still breathing? It wasn't quite relief that she was still breathing. She is now a shadow of her former self. She is bony everywhere, she is in pain. She now has the rash around her mouth area which is a lack of nutrition. She still sits up at times, but there are no positives, no smiles. Her Christmas cards sat unopened. She does pull through to boss me around in small ways, that's how I know she has more life in her.

But if you power through a visit, and put on a protective shield to get through it, the shield has to come down, and I didn't realize I was putting up the shield. Yet it has been coming down the last few days and I fight feeling these sad morose feelings. We are waiting for her to die. We have been waiting for a long time now. She is suffering and we are suffering. I am burnt out. I visit less often especially with the girls out of school and when I do visit, it is tough. It takes a lot out of me to go. This has been going on for too long. Who knew she would hold on in this state. I really want her to let go. The pressure has been ongoing and seems like it will never end.

How long has this been going on? She was diagnosed in September 2010, which was fifteen months ago or 65 weeks or 456 days. Four hundred and fifty-six days of this hanging over our heads. No wonder, I'm burnt out. Her health actually began to decline in December 2009, starting with a case of shingles, unexplained anemia, and weight loss. It became obvious to George and her doctor that it was probably cancer but it took many months to diagnose.

Three other younger people in our community have died of cancer in the meantime. A forty three year old father of three, a fifty seven year old father of two, and an eight year old girl and they all battled the disease for about a year. Why does the seventy nine year old hang on? Her cancer was not as deadly? For two of the cases, I know the aggressive form of treatment is what took the toll on their bodies in the end. There was no aggressive treatment for GaGa because of her age and condition.

All I know is I feel sad, angry, and worn out emotionally. I'm going to leave this post here because I can't wrap this up with a bow. It is healthy for me to say this really sucks, period. I don't have to make anybody feel better. And that is what I usually do and I am learning that I have to break out of what I usually do.

Pondering Christmas Perfection on Christmas Eve Eve

Wow - I should not be writing this at all but it's healthier to take the time to do so. George and I both wanted to have "everything" done by today so we could "relax" on Christmas Eve and enjoy ourselves. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I wish I could clone myself today in order to get "everything" done that needs to be done. The decorating, shopping, cooking, cleaning, wrapping, parenting, entertaining, etc. The following are things that I am coming to grips with this holiday season. I am coming face to face with what perfection is and letting go of what my old ideas of it were. I evidently am unsettled with what Christmas is supposed to look like. This year it looks like an undone house, as the new keeping room was just finished last Friday. We want to have things looking finished, as in decorated and furniture in place, but that is just not humanly possible unless we had a team of workers, like on tv. #1 - Let go the desire to have some semblance of a finished look in the house when your construction finished 5 days ago.

(An aside- Lowes has a fantastic return policy and you don't have to have the receipt, just the credit card you used. When I first found out Target had this capability it freaked me out a little and now I love it. Except if George happened to be the payee. We have now bought several different area rugs and have yet to hit THE one, and this is just at Lowes. Just think what would happen if we opened ourselves up to Home Depot... (Our fifth rug from Home Depot was the winner!))

The Christmas Meal. I don't know if it is living in the South but worrying about the menu has been bothering me and I want to have the "perfect" meal. I have also had this saying going around in my mind about this topic for about a week, "I will be pulling a Chrismas meal out of my ass this week." So crass. But it is how I feel and it feels so good to say it. I think it explains my desire to have a "perfect" meal and the complete lack of time to do the entire meal with. #2 It doesn't matter what you have, as long as the family is together.

Gifts for the Family. This has been an ongoing issue for several years especially with the children. I have wanted to buy less, but then I put more pressure on myself to get just the right thing. Just want they want, what I want to be educational, well rounded. It doesn't help that EVERY day Mallory discusses THE different thing that she only wants for Christmas. Although, she is asking for the most, she is the most thankful and immediately says after receiving whatever it was, that it is just perfect. #3 and it is a biggie It's not about "the stuff." My gift and George's gift to the children is being present not giving presents. This is not easy to accomplish, I am having to learn how to do it slowly over time and it is one of my life's missions. Paying attention to them, clueing in to their needs and maintaining balance - taking care of myself and EVERYONE else. Motherhood is not for sissies. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is but is the most rewarding.

My new version of Christmas perfection, or "being there" is not just for the season but for all of the time. As the song goes, "Don't save it all for just one day"

Christmas, Bring It.

Well, we turned a corner three weekends ago. It is now all Christmas, all the time. One late afternoon weekday on our way to gymnastics, the girls spotted Christmas lights in our neighborhood, their resulting delight (and mine too!) was to communicate with George when we were going to put up our lights. The upcoming weekend was chosen and then jam packed. Not only did we do Christmas decorations - inside and out, we managed washing all of the clothes and clearing out each room of furniture that had the kitchen tile in it (mud, laundry, Riley's bathroom, etc) We also needed to remove any item we did not want dust on because the old tile was being ripped up. I am now up close and personal with the following equation -Construction process=dust everywhere. We also fed and clothed the girls and managed to throw a visit to GaGa's in.

We really pulled out all the stops, as we purchase a new inflatable lawn decoration - Santa coming out of the top of a Christmas tree and added it to our menagerie. I even put a wreath on the porta potty which has to be displayed on our front lawn. Last weekend, I had my come to Jesus moment when I realized that Christmas was two weeks away. I had not shopped in a major way and after finally picking out tile and paint again, I began the Christmas shopping experience. I am still working on Christmas cards, as they have been sitting in the box since late November. The usual Christmas letter is hard to write.


While trying to catch Christmas cheer, one morning I turned on the XM Holly station briefly and it was okay, I did not throw up in my mouth. I switched it to the 80's station quickly and Foreigner's "Faithfully" did make my stomach turn more than the Christmas song. So off we go. Christmas music too! We even made it to the downtown Christmas celebration, fake snow, fake ice skating and lighting of their Christmas tree.

Earlier this week, I felt overwhelmed. I wasn't sure of my tile choice. Christmas pressure was coming upon me. Here's another equation... Christmas = stress, Remodeling construction = stress, mother in law with metastatic breast cancer = stress. That is a lot of stress and I had to be reminded by a dear friend that any one of those is enough to deal with. All three together is over the top. I then had another aha moment, that something in my personality makes me think that I am supposed to handle anything flawlessly and never feel stressed out. Now if a friend had told me the same scenario, I would have given her empathy and comfort, but for myself just harsh judgement. Hmmmm. Something is wrong with this picture. When I finally accepted that these emotions are acceptable, they dissipated! It is OKAY to feel stressed out when life is unbelievably stressful.

So Christmas here we come.

Bah Humbug

Can I be the first to say, Bah Humbug. I am just not in the mood for Christmas, AT ALL. In fear of being judged by the Christian Right (he he he), if Christmas were just about Jesus it might be different but it's not and the moms out there know what I'm talking about. Businesses have had decorations up since Halloween, People are putting them up and putting pictures of their Christmas trees up on FB and it makes me want to throw up. Mad because I liked to get mine up and sad, because I just am really not into it right now. But I have young kids so it will happen and it will drag me into the spirit. I have felt so stressed out the last couple of days. The tension has been really high. I am trying to give myself a break because a member of the family is dying and maybe that is why I'm really stressed and wanting to avoid Christmas. I can do such a wonderful job of beating myself up as well. But I have not been through THIS level of stress before. It is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. There is just nothing left. I am short with my kids and my husband. I hold it together for my mother in law. My husband of course, is completely stressed as well.

For Christmas, the good thing is that I HAVE to simplify. There is no way around it. This has been a goal of mine for the last couple of Christmases and this year it IS a reality. I think I said the same exact sentiment last year, and this year, well it is happening. My neighbor has already suggested not exchanging adult gifts and just giving kid gifts and I wanted to kiss her. Mmmmwwaahhh. Now, who else can I suggest this to? I want to have my kids covered and the rest is just going by the wayside.

I'm still in the middle of a house remodel and that is actually fun when you compare it to life and death, even with having to replace the chosen tile at the last moment or having the wrong set of French doors come in. When living in the middle of an addition to your house is the positive in your life right now you know it's not good. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge some moments. And I think what I need to do is give myself a break. Let myself cry. Reach out to someone or some group who knows what this is all about. Ask for help. Try to have small moments of time to myself. Lastly, I have been turning up Garth loudly and getting my twang on -as he was on Oprah recently. I pulled out the Greatest Hits CD which hadn't seen the light of day in years. I saw him in concert in Buffalo and he was great. I have so been enjoying - "Calling Baton Rouge", "The Dance", "Rodeo" "Friends in Low Places" and on and on. This is one of my favorites though...

December 26th

I cannot believe it is Dec. 26th. I wanted to write about my "keep it simple stupid" Christmas. At the end of November, I started with some rather intense "oh my gosh it's going to be Christmas and I've done nothing" anxiety and decided this is THE year to let it go and keep it simple. I did not want to feel that way the entire month of December, so off I went with serious intent and more coping skills than ever before!

I signed up for an advent study that would use up some of my precious kid free time and I have found that the one hour a week has added, not subtracted from the season. The music, the readings, the fellowship have added more meaning instead of feeling like I was adding more duties.


Spontaneously, I let the kids take pictures with Santa after school one day in school uniform and dirty preschool clothes and it was a fabulous, magical, no waiting in line experience with Santa. Relaxing and letting go has made anxiety prone tasks so much more enjoyable. I marvel at how easy some tasks can be when they were the opposite before. Not having an agenda and rolling with life is so much easier.

Now some things have to get done and I'm the one to do it, but whether my return address Christmas card label has an extra space between the name and the address, doesn't matter. And that the girls have stuck on stamps crooked, not a problem. At one point, I was going to search out just the perfect paper to print out a Christmas letter with lots of photos on it, and I thought this is where I need to let go. I just printed it on regular paper and it was fine, not perfect, but just fine. What are we going to eat Christmas Eve, I really wanted take out but George wanted to get a ham and make side dishes, so I let it go. George ended up having a very sick patient and worked until 7pm Christmas Eve and GaGa and I cooked and cleaned for Christmas Eve and Day, and I let it go. Tornado warning storms moved through the area as we were to leave for church service on Christmas Eve, so we stayed in and read the Christmas story in Riley's new children's bible. GaGa wasn't feeling up to par to travel to Ethel on Christmas day, so we went ahead and she stayed behind and was able to rest and relax which was what she needed. Letting go of preconceived notions...

I love sending out Christmas cards but I need to make the project easier for the sheer number of cards that I send. It took me days and I had created a work space in the playroom in front of the television. I will admit that I watched "Housewives of Orange County" while I did this task (not while the kids were participating). I am accepting the fact that this is my guilty pleasure watching this show that has no redeeming value whatsoever but what not to do. I have some inner judge and critic that is saying don't watch that show and don't let other people know you watch that show. Let it go.

Letting go. There is also letting go of the ghosts of Christmas past. There is a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and react to some situations in the past as the person I am now, but it doesn't matter anymore. That's where I was then and this is where I am now, I have learned a lot and it has given me great peace. Christmas past, Christmas present and Christmas future...no tightly made plans, just being with those I hold in my heart most dearly, and being present and rolling with it. Merry Christmas!

Christmas stress creeping in...

I said it here, I'm going to keep it simple this Christmas....well, surprise, surprise, I'm beginning to get anxious. Change is hard. I'm trying to write it out instead of eat it out. So here I am. Letting go of the perfectionism is hard. In two days it will be December and I have not accomplished nearly the equivalent of what I had done this time last year. The doubts, the anxiety are creeping in. I think I have become a much more relaxed person in general, or at least compared to what I had been before, because I didn't mean to get to this point of ill preparation. Yet here I am Nov. 29th and the cupboards are bare. The yoga, the therapy, they are chilling me out...perhaps too much...and now the anxiety is kicking in. Deep Breath in, slow exhale out. Repeat. Make list. I think a list will help. I have 3 weeks until the kids are all mine again. Things must be accomplished over the next three weeks. No indecision, straight decision, no regret. I only wish I knew what to get the kids or George who has absolutely no hobbies. He works and then he spends his time with us. I will ask him to make a list. Three weeks is going to fly by so quickly.

Deep breath in, exhale out, repeat. Make list.