On the first weekend of December this is how it went down: Friday night holiday open house, Saturday Morning Breakfast with Santa, Saturday night Sunday School Christmas Party, Sunday morning Advent lesson with meaningful meditation, Sunday night Monthly Covenant Group, Book Study Group AND delightful Hanging of the Greens service with Children's singing.
Yes, the Christmas season has started off with a bang. I cannot keep this pace up. I wanted to do each and every function yet I was exhausted. During the whole weekend, I kept thinking I can't do this. I can't keep up. But if I tell myself this, my mind will struggle and work against me the whole time. This much I have learned. What you tell yourself, you believe.
So Saturday, when I started raising my voice with Mallory, I knew it was time to cocoon, and I did. I took to the bed and rested. And still hanging over all of social time was: laundry, present buying, travel arrangements, and Christmas cards that are sitting in boxes.
As we were leaving church Sunday morning, I had a headache brewing, my throat hurt and again, I knew I needed to rest before the evening's functions, which I did. That rest was going to keep me sane.
This was and is taking care of myself. And then... George came in to complain about a task, I didn't "complete." In that moment,
and I expressed that vehemently.
Now, any number of gurus whom I have learned brilliant ideas from would say, "Do you want to engage in this disagreement in this moment?" Perhaps George was saying his truth which I turned in my exhausted state into my faulty thought processes which are: I'm not good enough and I can't keep up and doesn't everyone else handle this better than I do?
With my new thought processing, what I could have done was lean back, listen and acknowledge because what he was complaining about was something I agreed with but it was not going to happen in his time frame.
What I really really wanted and needed was some empathy and understanding. What I heard was criticism and judgement. As I come to know myself and have greater awareness is what I have missed most is nurturance. My biggest lesson is that I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO MYSELF. No one else can do it for me. There are persons who are evolved and in that place themselves to give of themselves, but I don't know any of those people. Ha Ha!! AND importantly, I would have to ask for it in clear language.
So today as I clean up the house, do laundry, work on the multitude of Christmas tasks, I have taken the time to sit down to write because I have missed it. My last blog was November 18th - way too long ago. Writing is nurturing for me, and being creative energizes me.
So what have I learned? Will I lean back and acknowledge the next time I am given critique? I don't know. I don't have to be perfect all the time, yet now there is the option to consider acknowledging what is being said and then asking for what I truly need in that moment as well. And if it can't be given, I can still give it to myself.
Communication is so critical to relationships. Yet it is so fundamentally hard to do with the right timing, tact and tone. I am willing to try though.
May you be able to nurture yourself in whatever manner restores your soul during this hectic time of the holidays.