Sunday, December 23, 2012
Alone But Not Lonely
My last post about something "Big" was about finding my sense of self. The above statement is so critically important to my sense of self.
I ate my feelings so I did not have to feel them. I learned early on that my feelings were not acceptable so I avoided them at all costs. This included sadness, fear, anxiety and joy as well. When I started trying to feel them, I did not want to be alone with them. It is the most uncomfortable practice to learn how to feel what you have stuffed for years and years.
I thought I HAD to have someone to talk to through the feelings. Yet this can inhibit the process of allowing them through (with kindness.) You can get bogged down in them and sometimes trying to be right when talking to someone else. Finding out what touches a nerve in me especially with friends and family is usually the BEST way into a big aha of understanding about myself. Because YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE and there are life situations that you can't change.
So, I am learning to handle the feelings (of a "garden variety") on my own. It is very helpful to talk about them afterwards but I have found that if I tackle them alone (with kindness), they flow better.
It doesn't have to feel lonely though. When you have yourself and you trust yourself and your intuition, you find people along the way who "get" you and your journey.
Oh and I have also found my higher power along the way... Breaking down my baggage, I have let God come in. Not that scary judging fearful God I grew up with but the presence of love that has surprised me again and again. Have I told you lately how freeing that is?