This is the kind of memory that will be seared in my brain forever. I called my husband, who was at home with his sister, her husband and Mallory and they jumped in their cars. I had just dropped Riley off at church and one of my pastors was already on her way but not knowing she had just passed. Reverend Susie arrived and said this is a precious time, said a prayer over Mary and gave comfort. I could have not asked for a better planned scenario.
Even when you know the end is coming, it is still surprising. It is final and her spirit as departed. We had a lovely service at our church which Mary had joined as an associate member when she moved here several years ago. She had attended our church until she started feeling bad which was 2 years ago and she didn't like people to see her looking bad. I brought her one last time to a smaller noon service in our chapel about 6 months ago and I don't know if it helped her, but it helped me.
Of course, I question how I'm feeling with her death. In the past my feelings would equate with how I was doing. My feelings ruled me. Now I know feelings just are, they occur and we can choose to do what we want with them. Now I experience feelings, examine them, am curious and kind with myself and let them go through. Under my old life perspective, I would have thought I would crumble, fall apart upon this death. She was a very important member of our family, but I find that I am much stronger than I ever realized. I have not really cried that much yet I grieved so much before she left because she was not herself for so long before her soul actually departed from us. I have sadness, but also relief that her suffering is over, our care taking is done. There is still business and mourning at hand. We still have another memorial service and burial in her home church, and this will occur in Coaldale, Pennsylvania next weekend. I am turning it into our great Pennsylvania adventure for the girls and for me. We will say our final goodbye to GaGa.