I was sick for close to three weeks with the crud. I would feel better and go out and then have relapses. I had wheezing, sneezing, sore throat, nasal congestion, and allergies. It gets old really fast to not have the energy to keep up with life. I tried resting, antibiotics, inhalers, and other over the counter meds and I still wasn't up to par. I went to the doctor and ended up with a steroid shot and then a steroid pack to take over several days. I must have never had this combination before...
I woke up the next morning, feeling alive and righteous. There was no wheezing, no sore throat and oh my gosh, I feel alive and have energy!! Woo Hoo! Yes! And then over time, it became apparent that an irritable alien took over my body. I am angered so easily. So very easily. (There is no way to watch anything in the news about politics right now.) I even felt the need to start posting political rants on FB, but just went so far as to like a few Democratic posts. Benign FB posts are annoying me. I don't feel right in my body. At moments, it is hard to be with myself at all.
And then I began waking during the night, alert and for no reason. And I want to eat everything in sight.
This weekend, I wanted to rip George's head off numerous times (and I know he wanted to rip mine as well). And then there is our teenager... I just backed away from her several times, because I knew I was in no frame of mind to go head to head.
The irritability feels so uncomfortable. I have worked so hard at mindfulness to recognize when these feelings and energy come my way, to be curious, and to allow them through. I have worked so hard to let anger, anxiety, and sadness not take over and paralyze me.
But this rage is not going anywhere.
Sitting and breathing with it. Being in this present moment sucks.
And, this is life. It is not guaranteed to be smooth. At all. Being in the present moment is harder right now but it will pass.
I just wanted to feel better. I wished to feel better and have energy. Heh heh, I got that.
This will pass. I will avoid those things that I know stir me up. I will back away. I will not read about politics right now. I will be angry. This too will pass. I will send a message to my doctor and ask, can I quit taking them now? And it is okay. Feeling uncomfortable will not do me in. It feels like it will, but it won't.