Riley is growing up and I'm allowing her to be who she is, and it's an ever-evolving journey. This week we went to the DMV and obtained her permit to drive with a licensed parent. Last year at this time, it came as an utter surprise to me that Driver's Ed would occur this year, her fifteenth year of life. I've been so consumed with her changing schools that driving was not on my radar at all.
The topic actually popped up at a church values seminar last year with a round table of parents and I was stunned to learn how soon driving could be taking place. I was more concerned about discussing values and sexuality when this other topic popped up. I had more reason to worry about driving : )
I have not emotionally nor mentally embraced my child behind the wheel, but we are doing it anyway. It feels akin to the Subaru commercial where the dad pictures his teenager as a little girl behind the wheel.
When this child came out of my body, I felt overwhelmingly responsible for her. Her dietary nurturance came from me. We were attached 24-7 for about a year with very few breaks. I was her everything as mothers are. George played a part too but as my body grew her inside of me, it was on me, and perhaps I felt this a little too much. Some days were terrifically challenging due to postpartum depression but I went through the motions again and again until it felt normal. I was very enmeshed with her and had a hard time letting go of the little stuff. In hindsight, I wished I could have relaxed and trusted the Divine One that all would be well. Yet that was how I was wired at the time.
Over the years, I learned we needed boundaries. I learned to be present with her emotions but not to take them personally as I had. The very first tantrum she had as a toddler, scared the bejesus out of me. The older aged tantrums were also difficult but I sloooowly learned that she was venting and there was something deeper in her that needed attention. And magically when I got to the root of the need, the fireworks ceased. We all want to be heard and be in connection.
Last year was a deeper learning curve. She had been miserable at school for years in terms of friendships. She really liked the school but there was no comfortable fit at all socially. She felt an outcast where she (we!) had been for ten years. And as I take things personally, was I an outcast? I didn't fit in the clique. I had to learn to be me and find friends naturally. Riley has put a spotlight on this area for me this year.
This first semester at her new school, was a big transition for me, not her! Sadness bubbled over me every time I went to the old school with Mallory. Riley fit in seamlessly at the new school and has been happy from the very first interaction of summer geometry camp that her parental units made her go to. She bonded with the other campers complaining that their P.U's made them go too. I wanted her to start making friends as soon as possible and unconsciously I wanted her to do it my way. I wanted her to go to the football games (not interested). I thought she should be inviting new friends over to hang out or go to the movies (nope.) We had uprooted our lives and schools for gosh sakes, I thought she needed to put herself out there. I was so overwrought about her former school's fall dance and her sociability that I ended up at the therapist office extensively for her. But as I sat and informed the therapist of what was going on, she looked at me and said, this seems to be more for you than for her.
Bam!
Deep down I knew this. It took that one session with a professional to tell me that introverts make friends very slowly and tend to watch and gather information. If they have one or two friends, that's all they need and they like being alone. Bazinga!
She just wanted to go to a school and have friendly faces around her.
Thus began the deep acceptance of teenage Riley and a deep acceptance of who I am on a more enlightened level.
Riley is perfectly happy to be at home on Friday and Saturday nights and for most of a school break. What's important right now moreso than boys, are those friendly faces at school. She's not interested in makeup, earrings or fashion and when we clothes shop, it is decisive. She loves academics, history, trees, genealogy, her church, volunteering, Birkenstocks, Chacos and NCIS. What thoroughly cemented my daughter's proclivities was a personality test at school and the results showed her love of structure and order at the rate of 73% and social needs at 4%. Whoa!! Could it be any more obvious how my child was wired?!!
She has social activities but ones that I didn't have growing up and those fulfill her. The ones that I desperately wanted in high school, like a boyfriend, or being popular is not on her list.
So, I get it. And I have really been examining my own friendships, and passions. What and with whom do I really want to spend my time on? I have to listen to my own God given intuition for what works for me.
I am not ready for her to drive, as it feels very unnatural right now. Turning her out into the world in a 3-4 ton automobile to interact with the world at large is daunting. Yet I am getting in the car with her again and again until it begins to feel normal. I am also tightly gripping the door handle too! I know that this time in the car is priceless. When she starts driving on her own, I will lose that chunk of time and won't gain it back. Being a parent is an amazing journey with bumps and dives and thrilling highs and large learning curves. To survive, I use big deep breaths that fill the lungs completely with just as large exhalations and listening to the Holy Spirit through my own intuition. And my own quiet time!!
And all will be well even if it doesn't look like I anticipated.
Namaste.
No comments:
Post a Comment