I have been transitioning to a new thought process. It's been a big freaking fundamental change for me. I know I've written about it before and the longer I practice it sets in more deeply and I think - Wow - this is the bomb! (I really can't let go of the 80's…) I keep chipping away and extinguishing the negative self-talk and thoughts bit by bit. You know the running commentary that goes on in your head while you are awake. The thoughts I have been working towards are definitely so much brighter than those that went through my head during the first forty years of my life. These two mantras help.
Everything is going to be alright.
All will be well, even if it's not.
These are simple phrases. But over the last six years, I have been leaning in to them and learning to live in that way. It's not a simple process to do. It requires a lot of intentionality each day, sometimes hourly and some days the work is done minute to minute. It required digging into all my old baggage and wounds that I carried. We all carry some. This is where a therapist comes in handy especially depending on the level of the wounding. I remember a 2-3 month period where I really felt unloved and just had to hold on for dear life. But slowly the tide changed, and I began accepting things bit by bit over time, left and right about people in my life and especially about me. I learned that some people just love poorly.
Now, when an event, feeling or energy comes that I find uncomfortable or unwanted or unliked. I don't fight it, I sit with it and watch it go. Being curious instead of resistant allows it to flow through. And I learned something very, very, very important and very, very, very necessary. Boundaries. Don't leave home without them. Don't be without them. Period.
It means also, that I feel my feelings all day long. And they come and go and I am less fearful of them. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry and am joyful much more easily and I numb myself less. (Our society numbs itself in so many ways - the list is endless)
And I live in the moment much more than I ever did. It's a good and beautiful thing to live in the moment because not only do you experience the unpleasant but the joyful, fun ones too. Some days, as corny as it sounds, hearing birds tweet is a beautiful thing. It pushes me to gratitude. And gratitude is a far more wonderful place to dwell than victimhood.
It is a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life. Wounds still come up and they always will. But this is a much preferred way to live.
I did not realize how much anxiety I lived with on a daily basis. And until I began to free myself, did I know there was another way to be.