It was the day after Christmas and I needed a cry. The feelings just sit on my chest and I can tell the energy needs to pass through. There is so much buildup for Christmas in so many different ways. The pressure of the season to have the "most wonderful time of the year" amidst decorating, present buying, party attending, card distribution, AND celebrating the reason for the season along with getting together with relatives. And then it's over, just like that.
I have had to lower my expectations.
In the car the last week or so, I heard the band Alabama, singing "Angels Among Us" and I immediately started a full out ugly cry within seconds of hearing the chorus. So this morning while the kids were still sleeping, or so I thought, I played a video to bring the feeling sitting on my chest out. As soon as I hear the children's chorus, the tears start falling. It's so cathartic and so needed. My youngest walked in, sat by me, asked what was going on and I said that I missed GaGa. She tenderly sat next to me, put her arm around me and watched the video with me, and I told her it's okay to cry. I absolutely love that we have this moment. She is learning that all emotions are okay. And then we carried on with the rest of our day.
I think I have the skills to be a dramatic actress now. (he he) I see what actors have to tap into- to bring it, to bring that palpable depth of emotion. It is not easy whatsoever. And it's that vulnerability that draws the audience in. It is some of the hardest work I have ever done to sit with the most exquisite discomfort and allow it to flow. It has taken years of practice because I emotionally shut down after the postpartum depression I had. And actors do this for a living. They purposely bring up this painful stuff. I have read and listened to actors talking about their processes and it is fascinating and therapeutic.
This is also where numbing can take place if you think the pain of whatever it is too much. For myself and so many, numbing is the answer because it's excruciating to be with that pain. I still numb some and it may always be part of my repertoire yet I have other coping skills now. One of them is writing and for so many years I have been doing so in blog form and this year has not been a good year for that. I have felt stuck and I have to do something about it. I have begun to do handwrite in a journal and it is a much different practice than typing it on a computer. It takes time to learn to do that practice.
This year, I went through a major shift with a person in my life. It reached a point where I had to let go of ever connecting at the level that I so very deeply desired. I had to let go of expectations on my part that would never be fulfilled and I was devastated. I grieved and realized that I spent a lot of energy on something that was not producing. It was time to move on and free up energy and see what else is out there to connect with that I'm not imagining. Letting go can make room for something bigger? I live with such great intention on many areas but this area tripped me up so much. I need to stop and evaluate what is working and what is not and move on.
I have to lower my expectations for some people, places and things and move on to new areas and adventures.
Although I understand the acting technique, I don't think I will be taking any head shots or taking a Playmakers theater class anytime soon. I don't think it is where my heart lies. I can tap into sadness, anger and joy pretty easily. I need a little more work with joy I think. But I will continue to enjoy the arts as much as I always have. There is a reason the Oscars are my favorite time of year. It is the reason that I LOVE going to the movies. It is the reason songs can move me to tears or happiness within seconds. The movies I'm drawn to are the ones all about humans and their emotional entanglements. This is who I am.