Saturday, June 27, 2009

Tap Dancing, Slowly

I am letting go. This entry will not be witty, or eloquent. It will just be. This blog is for me and it doesn't have to be perfect. I have had a lot on my mind and wanted to write about it but I can't really be brutally honest and put it out in the blogosphere. But I can tap dance around it.

I am coming to grips with who I am and how I came to be because I am an information seeker and have had a fair amount of personal turmoil in the last couple of years. I'm fascinated by what makes people tick and who is more fascinating than myself??? I have had therapy and continue to do so and have learned many things and keep learning. I have been very critical of myself for as long as I can remember. And now I am in the acceptance zone. A few months ago I wrote about this very thing of accepting myself for who I am. Back then, it was just a notion, a game plan. Notions are easy to flippantly write about but actually doing the work is a SLOW reality. And this slow is really sloooooow, but it is forward motion and that is progress.

One of the hurdles is the acceptance of my body, the body that is up a few sizes and has curves where I would rather not have curves, and I'm okay with some curves. And in our society where at least in the media, gaining weight can garner national attention of a negative manner and losing weight is an endless obsesssion. The exercise I was given by an expert, is to stand in front of the mirror and say "I love my body." Okay, I'm speechless about this exercise but I've got to try it. I have lots of thoughts about this but none of them going in the right direction. I guess the place to start is with what I like. There are many things I like about my body and then move on slowly to those I don't like so much. A habit takes 21 days.

And moving on from the body issues. I am accepting my personality for what it is, those pesky self esteem issues. Yuck. But that is coming along as well. Upon Michael Jackson's demise, someone in the media commented that you spend your whole life trying to get what you didn't get in childhood. This is true and profoundly so for me right now. For Michael (from what I hear and read), it was his not having a childhood and his dad sounded like a real piece of work. For me, it was acceptance as a child. So now the journey is to accept my childhood & adolescence for what it was and move on. As an adult, I have to do it for myself, and it is slow. I have to let go of worrying about what other people think, even those who played a large role in my life growing up. But this is going forward as well, slooowly but forward.

To end, one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, written by Glen Ballard & Siedah Garrett:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
Without Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why Now I Want You To Know

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na, Na Nah)


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