Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thing I Know Right Now...
*Riley turned eight this week. Happy Birthday to my beloved first child!! I still haven't forgotten what we went through to have her it just fades ever so slightly. Becoming a parent changes EVERYTHING. All of the emotional work I have done in my life to help benefit me, really helps me to be a better parent to her and Mallory and I can see the difference. And I need that to get through the teen years and teaching them to fly on their own.
*Going through a major ongoing medical crisis with a parent or in law enables you to see the best and worst of people. Who can "take" it and who can't even speak about it. I understand not being able to talk about it, you can't fathom the depths of this process until you've been through it. And then there are some who are not capable of it at all or are afraid that they are going to upset you. But the truth is you live in a state of upset, its never far from your mind. When George's dad died, we were many states away and it did not impact us, not like now, direct care of a loved one. George still lost a parent but this IS SO VERY difficult. Watching someone waste away in pain is heartbreaking. Having to reverse roles and take over is a process. And there are people who can give and listen and you hold on to them dearly and you are eternally grateful for them.
*Certain people are disappointing me and it caught me by surprise and a lesson was revisited. I am attributing this quote to Bruce Lee from a Facebook post so it might not be accurate, yet it is so spot on. "I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine." I have learned this so intimately in the last two years and it rears it's head again now and so it is a little easier to let go of the disappointment. And people who had disappointed me in the past have shown up! What are you gonna do? LIFE AND PEOPLE aren't perfect and the sooner I accept that, the less stress I have in my life.
*Finally it hit me, I WOULD be good on a church care team. I didn't think I was good enough before...I had an aha moment and thought, Hell yeah, I'm good enough. If I'm not Care Team material, who is? I just need to have it in me to give. Now is not that time.
*The busy fall season has started - Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I don't have the same sense of urgency this year, it is giving way to figuring out if Mary will make it to Christmas, or Thanksgiving on some of the bad days. Each week is so very different and things change within those few days. Her condition is worsening week by week, and we are just trying to keep up. There are good days and bad days yet it is also a continual decline.
*I am falling more in love with Adam Lambert...or maybe it's just escaping into music for a little while. I turn it up VERY loud in the car when I'm by myself. Mallory sings the words without music now.
*I am okay with not folding the clean laundry right now. My husband is not. He folds it yet he expects me to have it put up. This is a problem...I'm trying to make do running on fumes. Getting done exactly what needs to be done.
*I'm so tired but I can go on. It's kind of like the postpartum period, you think you don't have it in you but you just keep going. One foot after the other. Except for at night, it's not a baby that wakes you, it is heavy thoughts of life and death.
*I will miss Oprah. When she is "on" in an interview and by that I mean somewhat objective, she is SO GOOD. I have a back log of all kinds of shows on all 3 DVR's. Now I just delete what I will miss the least before the machine deletes them. That makes me feel like I have accomplished something. There were a few recent Oprah interviews that I caught that were fantastic - The Judds, Aging Celebrity beauties, Tyler Perry and Jane Fonda. Fabulous life lessons.
*Concrete has been pored to start the addition of the keeping room. We ordered french doors, have picked out tile, still need to pick out paint. And have looked at furniture. It's all good until they rip up my kitchen floor and it is a MESS. But I'm still so excited to get a new floor, one that is even and doesn't hurt my bare feet when I walk on it. Haven't had time to pick anything out lately and you know, it doesn't matter. It will happen when it happens.