Recently, I stopped by Dillard's to try on swimsuits....Enough said huh? I didn't dread it, I just knew I wanted some other options with vacation coming up and a new membership at a swimming club.
I did this for nearly 2 hours. And I think I survived emotionally intact?! The truth that I rediscovered is that many women do not enjoy this, and shall I say, maybe dread this. I heard a couple of random comments that fueled some thoughts for me. And then I ran into an acquaintance who was deliberating which style to buy based on her perception of her legs and stomach and which body part was better, etc. And I thought, wow, I'm at least 4-6 sizes larger and I hadn't had those thoughts. Maybe, I've made progress in accepting my body?! I know I have some, and it's funny how I don't know I've made progress until I remember that I stopped thinking about something the usual way. Did you follow that? That's how slow this progress goes.
It reminded me that even supermodels don't like the way they look. So many people have difficulty accepting their bodies as they are. There was just a story this morning about a size 2 woman getting mini-liposuction, and that is not surprising to me. I did find it fascinating that Oprah could not understand that even supermodels have self esteem issues. Beautiful thin people are not exempt from negative thoughts about themselves even though we consider them pretty. Self esteem is not based on our outsides. It's all based on what is going on between the ears.
All I could do was imagine all the thoughts that have gone on and will continue to go on in the bathing suit section of this store. And elsewhere. And I hated the idea of it, it made me sad. All of the negative energy swirling around and women beating up on themselves, me included at times. I was almost okay with the experience until I ran into people and heard their thoughts.
But I can't let what other people say about themselves affect me. That is my whole goal right now, accepting myself as is, exclusive of other's opinions. Whether that is 20 lbs lighter or not. Healing wounds takes time and patience.
And in the mean time, my new friends are self tanners. I watched Ruby Gettinger and she talked about how fat looks better tan. (I guess that is a little counter intuitive to my loving myself as I am) but I agree with Ruby. While I'm loving my dimples they do look better orangey brown than as pale as I am naturally.
So yes, I still want to lose weight. That doesn't go away. But I also know that right now, I am worthy, a beautiful person, and a child of God with good tanning cream.