Friday, April 5, 2013

My Wholehearted Definition was So Wrong

My kids are home all week for Easter Break and we have been hanging out at home.  Yesterday I hit my wall.  I told them I needed to be alone after a mid afternoon outing.  I haven't had my alone time, I haven't written.  I haven't had an adult female conversation.  I haven't gotten to read or explore my inner journey in any kind of way.

So what saves me?

Walking that darn dog.  At first, I wanted to make them walk the dog because they were home from school.  But I came to realize that I relished walking straight out the house and being by myself, even if it requires picking up poop.

I walk out the door and scramble to find something to listen to.  I find my library loaned audio recording of "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.  I have talked about her before, her TED talk.  The core of her message is in order to be whole hearted we must be vulnerable.  (And of course being whole hearted is the goal!)  She has examined this issues via academic research and I love that my ahas have been proven via (social) science.  So as I'm be-bopping along, I think I understand what whole hearted means.  To me, it means loving other people with your whole heart.

And then I hear...

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness."

 The rest of the paragraph is pretty good but that is all I needed to hear.  I felt zapped in a good kind of aha way.  As I have begun to feel worthy, I have realized how unworthy I have felt and for how long, and that makes me sad.  And I want to cry and I can cry for all the time I didn't feel worthy but now I "know better."

Here comes the codependent stuff: I have always been more worried about other people's feelings than my own.  So my original definition of whole hearted revolved around what I could do for others.  Oh my.  (sad face)

Now I get that the more I take care of myself - tell my family I need alone time, hire a sitter, write, call a friend, read, move, that allows me to be more loving with them the rest of the time.  It actually puts a fire in me to love them more.

Self Love = ability to love others with open arms and open hearts.

I can hear my girls happily playing together right now.   It is music to my ears because I hear a lot of the opposite of that often.  I KNOW this happy play won't last for long, so I need to move on.  So glad I have had this quiet time.

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