Dread

Today, I have planned to see Mary and it is something I dread. When we visited on Sunday and picked up her clothes to wash, I told her that I was coming. Will she remember? I don't know, these days it is a real toss up. When George visited last night, she was glad we had moved back to town. Last week, it was funny that she thought George and I were getting a divorce. The kind of funny that you have to laugh or you will lose it.

Well, this week the dementia has turned even more personal and it's not funny anymore. She is sharing her paranoid thoughts. She asks if George is where he is supposed to be during the day, is he really at work? Is he behaving? Is he doing what he is supposed to do? Then later in the day, she thinks that George and I are hiding something from her.

In my new life skills I would employ boundaries with this person who is coming at me. But she is very, very sick and I am responsible for her so I have to learn to completely detach from what she is saying, like she is a child. She pushed my buttons and I was angry and sad all at once. Then I read this quote on Facebook.

"Whenever you are upset about an event, a person, or a situation, the real cause is not the event, person, or situation, but a loss of true perspective that only space can provide." ~Eckhart Tolle

I immediately knew what was going on, her thoughts were triggering issues that I have with other people. As soon as I realized this, the feelings disappeared.

But the dread goes on.

Her arms are so thin, and she looks so emaciated from the top down but her legs are swollen from her body turning on itself for nutrition. She can't work a television remote or dial a phone. I had to cut her food the last time she came to our house, which was a new low. Her mind is not working right and her confusion is causing her much anxiety. The denial of the understanding of the cancer in her body, that has served to prolong her life for the last year is lifting and she is beginning to give up on her mantra of wanting to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. We have had to scale back the visits with her beloved granddaughters because it is necessary for both parties and this kills every loyalty bone in my body. It is sad, sad, sad.

But I have now written about it, released it for a few minutes, and the emotional and physical exhaustion of yesterday, the last week, the last month and the last year has lifted ever so slightly and I will hit the treadmill before I go see her, try to get some endorphins going and carry on. I did not know my pledge to myself that I would be as present for her as I could possibly be in this terminal illness would be so incredibly difficult. In the end, my gift of presence to her, will be the ultimate gift to myself. I can't take care of her without taking care of me first.

School starts tomorrow

We are back from our last summer fling last week, a few nights at Orange Beach, AL and one night at Beau Rivage in Biloxi, MS. School starts tomorrow. It was difficult at first for me to let go and "relax" at the beach. GaGa is ever present in our minds. We received one desperate phone call on day 2 and then George decided to call her each day. I let him take over during the trip. I just wanted to escape that reality for a little bit and being away from home did help that. It was wonderful to get away.

My birthday occurred while we were gone and it was a good day. Really!! This is a remarkable occurrence for me and my birthday baggage. I took control of certain aspects and it doesn't hurt to spend it away from home! George stepped up to the plate and "took over" and let me have some down time. I appreciated it immensely. There were presents from George and the girls. I planned a massage and got a manicure. I spent the afternoon with my family relaxing at all of the Caribe pools. Had delicious take out from Louisiana Lagniappe for dinner and I sat and ate with wet hair, no makeup and a tshirt and shorts on. For a birthday it was pretty darn good! Maybe the birthday baggage tide is achanging.

In the car on the way home, I had a moment where I was SAD that school was starting. The flow of being a stay at home mom is ever changing. Now, I haven't had alone time in ages, my house is a WRECK, (my cleaning lady hasn't been in weeks), there has been no regular physical activity or yoga but I am wistful today that the girls are heading back to school. Each year passes faster and the bottom line is, I love being their mother. This summer flew by, as I kept them busy and they are getting older and easier to manage (or is it me?) There were a few moments I was ready to ship them somewhere with the fighting and whining but in comparison to other summers, this one was managed well.


I will have more opportunity to visit my mother in law and I need to. It has gotten really difficult to have the kids around her. They are scared of her and she has a low tolerance and that is just plain depressing because I know how much she loved being with them before. She is on the slow decline and it is devastating to my soul to watch this happen. There is just no going around how difficult this is. It doesn't end until her end and actively waiting for a loved one to die is not natural. She is a shadow of her former self, there are no more smiles, and her quality of life has deteoriated immensely. No warm fuzzies here. Death is a natural part of life, but it is unnatural to go through it or maybe it's the grieving part of it. But time marches on and life continues. Riley will put her uniform on tomorrow and school will officially start and I have 2 birthday parties to plan that are right around the corner. Life goes on.

Choose Wisely

This is a post from a group called Begin with Yes.


Sometimes people don't understand, don't appreciate or don't support us. Sometimes people ignore, bully or disappoint us. This is serious business. And although shifting away from people who don't nurture us isn't always easy, and sometimes we need help, we have the right to decide who we will be with. Our hopes, our dreams our very souls are counting on us to choose wisely.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Putting Mallory to bed last night...

Me: "We had a fun day today didn't we?"

Mallory: "It was fun, but not super fun"

Me: "What would make it super fun?"

Mallory: "It's complicated."

Practicing

This year I said no to VBS!! This was pretty big for me to do. Last year was the first time the thought of not working it occurred to me. That is how entrenched it is. It was a "supposed to" in the highest order when you throw God in there with the fact that I am a stay at home mom. It took me up to the week before to actually say no, but then I did. My inner instinct just said this isn't a good idea and I went with it. There was a smidgen of guilt and when I dropped the girls off, I kind of ran through and didn't want to make eye contact with anybody.

But I said no. There must have been some divine guidance because the week prior, GaGa had a rough week, which meant I did too and I was not prepared to deal with a gathering of over 420 kids on Monday. I barely made it through the building without crying the first two days.

I am now practicing taking care of myself, so that I can take care of my loved ones. It is a fairly new skill and this was a further step along the way. One of my friends, described that feelings just want to be recognized. This is so true. My immediate instinct with negative feelings and sometimes even the positive ones would be to avoid the experience of them at all cost. With more and more practice, I see how they just want to be acknowledged and then I see how they can move through. I am still amazed to watch this happen when I have a horrid day and then wake up and be okay the next. I practiced stuffing the feelings for so many years, I got pretty good at it, and it is incredible to now be able to do something different and more healthy.

On Thursday evening, I was again at my wit's end with some occurrences. I was irrationally irritated and I knew it but the feelings were there because I had been so stressed out the entire week, my tolerance level was low. Finally, one of my besties and I just started joking about the situation and I started to laugh, really laugh hard. It was very dark humor and it felt soooo good. I then realized I had not laughed all week. Now THAT is a crying shame. So in the middle of strife, dark humor prevailed. It helped me turn the corner and my mood lifted. So I continue to practice. Whatever works.

Stress

I have been having a hard time the last couple of days. I have a need to understand why I feel so stressed. I know that this situation is stressful but having never been through it up close and personal, it is unbelievable draining. I found this quote on a website about a research study of caregivers.

To watch someone, particularly a parent, lose cognitive abilities so that they cannot do the 'thinking' tasks that they used to, is very hard on the caregiver emotionally—and often is actually more stressful than assisting with the more physically demanding tasks such as bathing or cleaning."


Ahhhh. I am not dealing with the everyday basic care needs. (except for clothes and snack shopping!!) But this help explains why this is so emotionally devastating. And it comes in waves, I can be moving along fine and then 3 pain phone calls in one week and I feel waylayed. Her memory is going, she cannot describe things anymore. Thus, conversations are more difficult. She called one of my girls, Joanie and I am learning to roll with it. Now George and I have to make the decisions for her about more and more things. And reading this little bit of research about stress of caregivers makes me feel better. Perhaps, I'm not losing it, this is what stress does.

Anderson Cooper, a WASP Suppressing Emotions

I knew there was a reason I have always liked Anderson Cooper. Recently I watched him dissing The Countess of the Real Housewives of New York, and her latest new song. I can't stand the Countess at this point, mostly because she is just plain mean and condescending to many but especially Alex, who is finally finding her voice. Alex is not getting it right yet, but she is practicing and I am pulling for her. I applaud anyone who is trying to change their ways for the better. I feel very sympatico with Alex, as you can tell. Team Blondes.

Then I dug this gem up online. Anderson was on the Ellen show and wouldn't dance as the guests normally do when they walk out to meet her. This is what Anderson said...

"No one really wants to see a middle-aged guy with silver hair wriggling," he said. "It's not gonna happen. I'm a WASP. I was raised to suppress my emotions. I can't be publicly expressing things."

Love him. I look forward to being able to make fun of myself having been raised to suppress my emotions. BUT I do love to dance and sing (in privacy.) I think Anderson could really rock it, and he probably does, in private.

This is the website of Anderson putting the Countess on his Ridiculist and I could not copy it.
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2011/06/30/the-ridiculist-countess-luann

This is her latest video...