Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Going Lightly

I am struggling with food and feelings. For two weeks, I had hit a new level in that I was eating when I was hungry, paying attention when I was full and stopping. And then....I talked about this ad nauseum with my good friends and my therapist and I fell off the wagon. Did I talk about too much or is this just part of the process? For the last few days I have not followed that regimen. I have used food to comfort myself. When I was in "the zone" as I like to call it, I was not using food to quell my uncomfortable feelings but it did make me feel very uneasy. I was really uncomfortable in my own skin. And then coincidentally, after watching Celebrity Rehab, I understood better what those feelings were.

I like Dr. Drew who is the PhD on Celebrity Rehab and I've seen him as the expert on other shows. I was fascinated by the program. I came across it accidentally, and I was drawn to it. I watched how these people were detoxing from their drugs or alcohol and then they have to confront their feelings, which was what sent them to the drugs and alchohol in the first place. I watched one bodybuilder television star walk around ready to go off and hit someone. I could identify with this as I have been in an angry phase. I did not know what to do with the very uncomfortable feelings. I journal, I exercise, I practice yoga, I attend therapy, I talk to friends, but in the end, I have to hunker down and live with the uncomfortableness until it passes.

We humans, all behave similarly in our psychological makeup. If our needs are not met, or there is harm of some way and then we learn to do things to be able to make the pain go away. I am amazed at how one person turns to food, one to alcohol, one to drugs, or shopping or hoarding or whatever and we take it to different levels of extreme. Some cross the line of normal and by that I mean interfering with daily functioning. These addictions are all behaviors manifested to make coping with life easier. And I am fascinated by this. And I realize that this is what I'm doing to some extent.

Well, I need to get back on the wagon, and I will. At the present moment, I feel under the weather. I woke up with a sore throat at 4am. I didn't sleep well Sunday night either. And I have children who are home all week from school for the Mardi Gras holiday. We will run errands and then I have told them that I will rest this afternoon and they can watch a movie, read books, or whatever. And that is okay for me to do. I am learning to nurture myself. AND I'm teaching the girls how to take care of themselves as well. It's a learning process for me to set this example as I have a pull in me to be there for them ALL the time.

Going lightly, it sure is harder than it sounds. It means going really deep and then coming back from that into my authentic self. I've read and heard about this, and it seems that after you embrace your authentic self, life gets easier, worries about others fall to the wayside. I'm beginning to glimpse this, slowly and surely.

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