Traveling

We are now in the third portion of our trip to Illinois and Wisconsin and will end up at a family wedding on Saturday. We are having a lot of fun and it is getting easier to go and do with the kids getting older. We are not having many meltdowns but I fear those are coming. I am typing quietly because Riley is still sleeping and this is an utter rarity at 8:13 a.m. Mallory is going to be a beast, her time is coming I fear, no naps and a whole week long of vacation and she was up well before Riley. Oh well, we will survive, it won't be pretty but we will survive.

The first portion of our trip was to right outside of Chicago, and we spent Saturday and Sunday night with cousins, Herman and Kay and had such a good time. We then traveled to Chicago on Monday, and had a blast in the city. Hancock Observatory, Children's Museum, Navy Pier, American Girl Place, Field Museum, Chicago River Boat Tour, Magnificent Mile, were among the action. I could have shopped for myself in that shopping mecca (not just for the kids) but I really want to buy another home one day and if I buy more $$ shoes and purses, that is not going to happen.

I am still relatively new to traveling. My first flight was to Chicago when I was around twenty five. I realize now this current trip has special meaning because we stayed with Herman and Kay way back then as well. George was interviewing for residencies. Cousin Herman took me on the train into the city, and we went to the top of the Sears Tower and I was able to get the lay of the land. From then on if possible when we have gone to a big city, I like to go to the tallest building and get the lay of the land early on in the trip.

My children have already flown several places and the eldest is just now entering first grade. I'm glad for this. Traveling opens the horizons, and also makes you appreciate home in the end. I was so much more relaxed this trip. Either age or yoga is helping me and I really like it. I remember I had great anxiety at 25, when I was leaving work to catch a plane for the first time. I was flying by myself and I really needed an anti-anxiety pill but I had no experience with them or know what they were (even though I had a Masters degree in Counseling!!!). But it ended up being fabulous and such an eye opening experience. I am grateful that we are able to travel with our children and are opening their horizons as well. Until that meltdown comes and it is coming...

Chicago

Having a blast in The windy city.
Just so good to get away and experience new things, different places.
The girls LOVED American Girl Place.
Good to visit with extended family.
Grateful to be able to travel.
Hope to come back when the girls are a little older to be able to take it in more.
Typing from my phone so this is rough!
Heading to Wisconsin tomorrow.
More later.

I'm exhausted and it's vacation time

I completely stress out the week before a trip, notice I said trip, not vacation. They use to be vacations before children but now they are trips. Everything is about the children and what will excite them and occupy them. Am I dying to go to the American Girl store? Well not really but evidently this is what parenthood is about... I digress. We fly out of New Orleans around 11:25 Saturday, on our way to Chicago. And we have a family wedding to attend in Wisconsin, next Saturday. And my dogs have been barking since this morning and I'm tired. (for those of you not accustomed to dog talk that means my feet) On top of all of the leaving the house preparations, TMI ALERT, Aunt Flo came to visit and I have cramps. (I just don't think there are many men reading this at all.)

There is so much that has to be done before one leaves. Bills, pets, mail, clothes cleaned, plane/travel entertainment, decisions made, think of every possible thing that you might need, but keep it to a minimum because there were too many bags and they weighed too much last time we went. Mallory wants to bring her big pink fluffy coat that doesn't fit anymore, and I say NO, so there is negotiation, but we are still bringing "Big Dog" who she has slept with since Easter 2 years ago. And he is not called "Big Dog" for nothing, he will take up a third of the suitcase. Riley wants to bring her hair bows for her stuffed dog, that she never uses on a regular basis but they are small, so they get a yes.

I don't know why this drives me crazy, this packing for a trip. I did start earlier this time. I began thinking things out on Monday and today is Friday. I also worry about flying, but for me it is about feeling clausterphobic. Many moons ago, I was flying back late on a Sunday night by myself maybe from visiting George before we were married. That was my first experience I believe with a mile panic attack and you never forget that feeling. This morning, I started thinking about that kind of panic feeling I would have getting on board the plane. I have a panic reaction that goes down my arms and it tingles and this is not a good tingle. I'm thinking this way because a friend mentioned that she and her husband and 5 month old recently were stuck in the plane for four hours waiting to take off for the same exact route we are going to take. I remember hearing at Christmas time a couple of years ago that people were kept on an airplane for 9 hours under deplorable conditions. I would not do well stuck on a plane for that amount of time AT ALL. The thought of it completely panics me, and then I begin thinking about yoga and deep breathing.

The good thing is that ever since I had kids and the few times we have flown, my mind is completely occupied with taking care of them and I haven't been able to go to the bad places of anxiety. I do see that there is rain expected in Chicago on Saturday when we fly in and I am going to be doing some deep breathing and hopefully my children will keep me busy if we do get stuck in a bad situation. And I did borrow a few Zanax just in case of the worst case scenario!!! I've never taken them but it seems like a really good backup plan. These are the kinds of things I have to remember before taking a trip. I am beginning to look forward to the American Girl store. Riley is so excited for the both of us and it will spread by the time we get there.

I'm surviving summer

Today is July 1 and not quite at the halfway point of the summer but I think I'm going to survive it, maybe I shouldn't say that yet. Riley does not begin 1st grade until August 20 and Mallory's preschool does not begin until after Labor Day, yes Labor Day. The idea of having the children all to myself all summer in the past, well, it scared me tremendously. Now, it just gives me pause, and the stamina to begin planning camps, activities, and summer Mother's Day Out (God Bless summer MDO). Yes, I'm a stay at home mom and that's my job, but have you ever stayed with young children around the clock, day in and day out with a husband (God Bless him) who works all the time. (You know people die if he doesn't show up when the beeper goes off) My charges just whine and cry and think they are going to die, if the goldfish aren't in the bowl fast enough.

I really don't want to say that I'm surviving, out loud, because it may curse it. I think I'm just excited because the family vacation is right around the corner. I will not be alone with my charges for an entire week and by the end, my husband is ALWAYS ready to go back to work and there is a certain sense of validation for me. See this is hard. Cutting people open and keeping them alive, piece of cake!

Vacations are exciting, and exhausting. This one will not be different especially as we are going to pick up and move three times. At least at Disney, we stayed parked in one hotel room the entire time. We all wish for a beach trip, I think the girls are now prime ages to really enjoy that but we are headed to Chicago and then Wisconsin for a family wedding. Chicago is going to be fabulous as there is an American Doll Store, a fantasy land for my eldest daughter, and the reason why she has done chores and behaved reasonably so far this summer. She has seen THE website and seen what she can save her money for while Mom and Dad are buying the doll and paying for lunch.

Now the little one, not so much. She is three, and exerting her independance and also her crankiness when I least expect it especially in the middle of the Bluebonnet library, at least three times now. We didn't do camps when my older daughter was this age, so with each new activity, swim lessons, yoga week, and now cheerleader camp, Mallory announces the week before she does not want to do said activity at all . Do I pay for the said lesson? Will this pass? I will not drag her to swim lessons and create fear as I did Riley at 3 and a half. But so far, she ends up loving whatever it is I'm dragging her to.

I digress. It's July. I'm still standing! I might make it through.

Tap Dancing, Slowly

I am letting go. This entry will not be witty, or eloquent. It will just be. This blog is for me and it doesn't have to be perfect. I have had a lot on my mind and wanted to write about it but I can't really be brutally honest and put it out in the blogosphere. But I can tap dance around it.

I am coming to grips with who I am and how I came to be because I am an information seeker and have had a fair amount of personal turmoil in the last couple of years. I'm fascinated by what makes people tick and who is more fascinating than myself??? I have had therapy and continue to do so and have learned many things and keep learning. I have been very critical of myself for as long as I can remember. And now I am in the acceptance zone. A few months ago I wrote about this very thing of accepting myself for who I am. Back then, it was just a notion, a game plan. Notions are easy to flippantly write about but actually doing the work is a SLOW reality. And this slow is really sloooooow, but it is forward motion and that is progress.

One of the hurdles is the acceptance of my body, the body that is up a few sizes and has curves where I would rather not have curves, and I'm okay with some curves. And in our society where at least in the media, gaining weight can garner national attention of a negative manner and losing weight is an endless obsesssion. The exercise I was given by an expert, is to stand in front of the mirror and say "I love my body." Okay, I'm speechless about this exercise but I've got to try it. I have lots of thoughts about this but none of them going in the right direction. I guess the place to start is with what I like. There are many things I like about my body and then move on slowly to those I don't like so much. A habit takes 21 days.

And moving on from the body issues. I am accepting my personality for what it is, those pesky self esteem issues. Yuck. But that is coming along as well. Upon Michael Jackson's demise, someone in the media commented that you spend your whole life trying to get what you didn't get in childhood. This is true and profoundly so for me right now. For Michael (from what I hear and read), it was his not having a childhood and his dad sounded like a real piece of work. For me, it was acceptance as a child. So now the journey is to accept my childhood & adolescence for what it was and move on. As an adult, I have to do it for myself, and it is slow. I have to let go of worrying about what other people think, even those who played a large role in my life growing up. But this is going forward as well, slooowly but forward.

To end, one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, written by Glen Ballard & Siedah Garrett:

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
Without Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere To Go
That's Why Now I Want You To Know

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na, Na Nah)...

Shamon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsF1oxfK094

Learning in their own time

We are having a couple of firsts this summer. At six and a half, Riley has learned how to swim. I took her to lessons three years ago, and as the first child, I thought she would learn that summer...ha ha ha. Three weeks ago, she was so scared to jump in, she fretted, fooled with her goggles, and the anxious agitation was palpable to me. And then she did it. She jumped.


She is also an "emergent reader." Two of life's basic skills, she is mastering slowly with practice. I'm so proud and she is so excited. It is so wonderful to watch her bloom in her own time. Not mine.

Mallory is exerting her independence as a three year old. I'm proud of this as well(!). It may be frustrating on a daily basis but a necessary step. She is growing up as well. She is doing great at swim lessons although she is not signed up for them. She was signed up for them two weeks ago and she made it 6 out of the 10 days and then got tired of the instructor telling her what to do and didn't want her face in the water so she quit and I allowed it. Riley was doing so well and was so ready for this, we added another week but she was the only student for that time block so the instructor told Mallory to bring her swimsuit and just sit at the edge to cool off.

This is what happened yesterday. Mallory swam. Okay, here comes the sap. These beautiful beings that George and I brought to life, just surprise me in unexpected ways and make my heart so full. I know there are many more surprises down the road, good and bad, more independence that will test me to the very core I'm sure, as they get older. Yet I am thrilled to be able to experience all of it, and the degree of difficulty makes the good times feel even greater. This is a fantastic journey, this thing called parenthood.

They are just not that into me

I need a new cleaning lady. The last one gave notice last week as she is moving to another state. I watched the movie, "He's just not that into you" over the weekend and I really liked it. It was really well acted for what it was and it made me think back to my dating days. And why, was I so stupid to wait around for guys to call but that's another story. This IS related to my need for a new cleaning lady. This is the point, why when you finally are on the phone with the person that you desperately need to talk to does your three year old absolutely positively screams about the NEED for you to sew Princess Jasmine's necklace back together that second?

Back to the movie, I called a couple of house cleaners that I got numbers for and I've been waiting for them to call back and I could not help but think that I'm experiencing the movie. They just must not be in to me, right, but herein lies the problem, they are not calling back but I've never met them so how can they not be in to me?

I did meet up with one, and was completely and utterly shocked at how much she wanted me to pay them, and then I had to digest it, talk to their references which were very good and accept, that this just might be what I have to fork over. And there are not that many good house cleaners that are dependable, trustworthy and do a good job. (And more importantly these other ladies aren't calling back!) So I call back three times and leave three messages and the last message I sort of begged, "let's just give it a try!"

Finally, she calls back on my cell while Mallory is falling apart about the necklace and I can't hear a thing the lady is saying. The lady just keeps talking and how she thinks that I can hear what she is saying with the noise in the background, I don't know? I ask her if I can call back on my home phone. So I get Mallory squared away, with a little threatening on top, and I dial the lady's number and it goes directly to voice mail. Aaarrrggghhhh! I leave another message! but think again and call right back and this time she answers and what she says is, "I did get your messages, can I call you back again this afternoon when I'm finished with work" Smaller Aarrgghh! (Right when I will have both of my children in my car getting them dressed after swim lessons and I won't be able to hear her again)

So I'm in limbo, waiting for the phone to ring, but that is okay, if she really wants to be with me, she will get in touch with me and I have to believe that if it doesn't work out, there are other fish out there in the sea for me and I will meet the right one.