Are You Trying To Tell Me There's No Dialogue in Ballet?

On Sunday, the family and I went to see the Nutcracker: a Tale from the Bayou, which is the Louisiana version of the production.  It had been many, many years since I had seen it.  Mallory through a school field trip had seen a shorter version and wanted to see all of it.  So at the last minute, I got tickets for the whole family to go.

Getting to the River Center Theater on Sunday afternoon was not pretty at all.  (Head lowers and eyes cut down)  At all.   I did not get ready on time.  (I was completely absorbed in finishing a Shutterfly photo album - which I did! but for some reason no one else was excited about that) But we were really late.  As we were trying to get in the car, it took five minutes for each ticket to print out and there were four of them… It was like watching paint dry.

My daughter is now twelve… Yes, we have entered new territory.  I won't say any more to respect her privacy.  Other than, this makes for many uncomfortable moments.  The ride to the Nutcracker was tension filled.  There were multiple issues going on in what felt like a teeny tiny space of our SUV.
(It's the most won-der-ful time of the year...)

We finally get there and enter the building and I hear over the loudspeaker that the production will be delayed fifteen minutes. Yes!  We were able to visit the bathroom, get to our seats, and visit with friends behind us with time to spare.  Karma was on my side this time.

The production begins and five minutes in, I ask Mallory, "Is there any dialogue? Are there any songs that will be sung?"  She shakes her head no.

No one will be speaking.

I had forgotten that the Nutcracker was…ballet.

What can I say, the Christmas season is crazy.  I forgot.

So I acclimate to this idea.  And begin to enjoy it. But during the second half, I remember a scene from my favorite show, "The Mindy Project." This scene just slays me.  And I have to put the kibosh on the memory of it before I lose it.

The back story is that these 2 men are from two groups of OB-GYNs who want to become the medical providers for this ballet troupe.  They were then invited to watch the four and a half hour practice.  Dr. Prentice cannot tolerate watching any longer…

"How come you're not helping her.  She clearly has some kind of a disability!!" 

Namaste.

Don't They Look So Innocent?

One afternoon last week, Mallory's friend came over after school to play for a little while.  It is standard operating procedure now to keep Brinkley separate from anyone who comes to the house because of his umm… biting history.  This afternoon, the dogs were in the backyard and I went out with his correction collar and leash to bring them inside.  Well, Brinkley had dug under our fence and was loose between the gap that resides between our neighbor's fence and ours.  I opened the back gate to grab him and Annie shot out like a cannon. (Annie apparently only shoots out for food or for freedom)
Panic arises in my stomach.  I picture in my head the last time Brinkley and Annie escaped.   Brinkley chased after a girl on a skate board whom he thought was playing with him and nipped her on the leg. He spent time in Dog Juvie (Animal Control).

This was a dark period in my life.  (smile)

It was the time, that I learned a big lesson.  Not only do I need boundaries with humans but I need boundaries with dogs too!

What to do? I grabbed Annie and put the leash on her.  Thankfully, she doesn't move as fast as Brinkley. Okay, how to catch Brinkley.

I yelled his name with authority as sternly as possible.  I would walk slowly and deliberately with Annie in tow and as soon as I got close, he would run off again.  Brinkley thought this was a game.

O M G.  How am I going to catch this dog with the beagle holding me back?

But I repeated the same measure over and over and finally he stopped and let me grab him.

My friend was sitting in my driveway and asked if she could take pictures.  I love the colors of the tree right above my head.  

Don't the dogs look so innocent. They look so tiny to how I have them in my head. These two small dogs have made such an impact in my family's life.
Brinkley the loyal barker and biter and Annie the timid, hungry one.
Unconditional love.  Brinkley that is.  Annie unconditionally loves food.  But she does make me laugh.

Namaste.

An Alien In The House

Being a parent is the hardest job there is.

Now I have an (almost) teenager.

A female. Twelve years of age.

I know there are worst things in life but this one rocks my boat right now.  At times, it is as if an alien has taken over her body (and her mouth.)

I have mentioned it to a few mothers.  Yesterday, I got the sign of the cross from a saleslady who had older daughters. (chuckle) Those little bits help me laugh and know, this too shall pass. It may take a few years but this too shall pass…

I can't go into too much detail because this is her private life and this is probably too much already. (uh oh)

I know she keeps it together at school and puts her guard down when she gets home.

She is finding herself.  These are the oh so awkward Middle School years.  I can look at pictures from just months ago and it is amazing how much physical transformation is taking place.

And what is going on in the inside?

When she acts herself right now, it pushes my buttons.  Somewhere, I am lost where my own development stopped.  I know that I never really broke free and emotionally individuated from my own parents.  This did not happen until my forties.  This is what consciousness is all about.  But I am slowly learning how to be present and when my anger, frustration come about in reaction, I try to stop and be with it.  I know my girl needs me to rise above.  And I'm working really hard to do so.

I'm getting a lot of practice. Heh heh heh.

God's Not Dead

*spoiler alert*

Riley and I watched "God's Not Dead" a few weeks back.

After the viewing, I had post-traumatic stress flashbacks to the early 90's when I attended a "Heaven or Hell" production at a local Baptist church in town.  I went with my boyfriend at the time who was the same denomination as the church.  The show presented specific incidents where someone is facing death and if the person had not chosen correctly prior to that, their name was not in THE Big Book and they go to hell.    I poured an alcoholic beverage to help the tremors flow through.  I knew certain people had liked the movie.  I had a feeling that it would not be my cup of Christian tea.

My daughter wanted to watch the film as she heard about it from friends.  It was just the two of us and I said okay.  I watched it because she wanted to.  I thought I could handle it.

I couldn't.

In hindsight, my intuition knew better.  I should have told my husband to watch it with her, as he has no fundamentalist baggage.  Mine is a mile deep and an ocean wide.

Boundaries - I needed to uphold my boundaries even though it was something my child wanted.

The following definition would be helpful for you to understand why my viewing of God's Not Dead didn't go well:

Propaganda is information that is not impartial and used primarily to influence an audience and further an agenda, often by presenting facts selectively to encourage a particular synthesis, or using loaded messages to produce an emotional rather than rational response to the information presented.

On a positive note,  it was filmed at LSU and the campus looked lovely but on a low note the plot was predictable, so very horribly predictable.  I can reach deep down and say some of the acting was good, I just didn't like the script.  Everyone who was an atheist was BAD,  everyone who was a Christian was GOOD.  Everyone was against the main character, the "Christian," including his parents and girlfriend.   It was so very black and white.  And the Christian was the victim.  And to put the shiny bow at the end of the movie, there was a death bed "come to Jesus" moment by the atheist professor who was hit by a car outside a Christian music concert.  There happened to be two preachers there on the street, one of whom could conveniently diagnose that the atheist's lungs were filling with blood and he was definitively dying in the next five minutes.   After a talk with one of the preachers, the atheist declared Jesus his savior just and he died on the street…

And that's the end of that story.

And special cameo appearancea by one of the Duck Dynasty couples whom I tried to block out entirely.

This movie pushed many of my fundamentalist baggage hot buttons. And it brought up all my fear roots and did nothing to bring up the abundant LOVE of God that I have been surprised and amazed by in the last few years.  And do you know what began healing my fundamentalist baggage?  Lo and behold, it was sitting in counseling with a Jewish therapist.   I had to strip away all of the misguided thinking that I had about God, myself and the world.  I needed someone to listen to me unconditionally.
Just like God does.

Abundant love is who God is and who we are if we can tap into it.   I had to change my very poor concept of God in order for the loving view of God to emerge because my thinking of God was just like this movie.  Simplistic, judgmental and out there. As long as you proclaim Jesus is King after you have been scared straight, everything will be all right.

That is just not what I've come to know about my Higher Power.

Deep down, way deeply down, I know that my snarkiness and anger is my pain coming out.  So many years, I lived in fear and my idea of God did not let me know that the Divine was within and abounds in love.

Not judgement but love.

I don't know why I never left the church, the pain goes so deep.  Well, yes I do know, I was too scared.
I think my fear of leaving was bigger.  Nonetheless, I have learned to listen to my intuition because if I can acknowledge it clearly, it is God talking to me.  I should have listened about this movie.  But that's okay.  I'm not perfect. Mistakes are made and learned from.

This blog has been sitting in my draft box for weeks. It's time to publish even if there is no bow to wrap it up, like at the end of this awful movie.  This is an ongoing journey for me to listen to the Divine within because that steers me on the path I need to be on.

Namaste.

Peace During The Chaos of Christmas

"At the still point, there the dance is." T.S. Eliot

It's the mad, mad Christmas season.  Way too much to do.

Way too much to do.

I now know myself that I need down time and quiet almost as much as I need oxygen.

I'm not kidding.

I have come to understand how very, very, utterly important it is.  It is when the best of me comes out.  (you know that thing… what do you call it? oh yeah- In touch with the Divine Inner Presence) That is when I feel peace and calm and everything feels right with the world.  I feel I can love the entire world and even those who are the most unloveable. (I find more and more that is myself)  It is when my creativity flows.  It is when I can cry and be sad or feel utter joy and gratitude or just sit and be.

And the way that it intermingles around those moments or hours or days of anxiety and fear that make the peaceful quiet moments even that much sweeter.

But I have to be still to feel it.  I have to be in the present moment.  Not worrying about the next thing.  Not worrying about what did or did not happen in the past. It has taken several years of a conscious shift in my thoughts to begin to do this on a regular basis. It takes so much practice, practice, and more practice.

To be in the present moment.

I treated myself and Mallory to a pedicure on Saturday afternoon.  I had been wanting to have my feet "worked on" for several weeks.   The family had gotten up and 6:00am that morning on a Saturday for Mallory and George to participate in the Girls on the Run race.  I lost my good $$ reading glasses on the field.  George and I had two Christmas parties to attend that night (an introvert's first world nightmare).  Mallory had a birthday party to go to in an hour and a half.  There was laundry out the wazoo that needed to be washed or folded or put away.  There were more Christmas presents to buy.  There were outside decorations to be put up.  There were more ornaments to be put on the tree.  There were boxes to be put away.  The house was (and is) a mess.  There were more Christmas cards to be addressed.  I had no idea what I was going to wear that night.  My hair had not been washed in several days.   There were more thoughts to be had in my head to figure out logistics, etc…and you get the idea…

And the Christmas music was blaring. (and it was not a soothing instrumental)

But as I sat with my feet soaking in the water and being tended to, I was so enthralled in the moment.  I put my head back, closed my eyes, ignored the crappy music and breathed deeply.  I had looked forward to this moment for several weeks.   It was a peace orgasm.  Even amongst the chaos, my mind settled down and I was IN THE MOMENT.  Many months ago, I had a FB acquaintance write about her first ever pedicure experience and the description of it was so detailed and her enjoyment and pleasure of the experience was eye-opening.  She was ecstatic at something I took for granted.

I can enjoy and be at peace with most anything I have to- if I change my thoughts about whatever it is.

Thoughts are so powerful.

If we can be in the present moment, the exquisiteness of being alive is overwhelming.

(And my toes are the prettiest shade of red.)

Namaste.

Christmas Stress: Part 2: (Relearning Who God Is)

I love that what struck me on FB yesterday was from Aha Parenting and essentially all about being in the present moment with your kids (not the shiny presents from Toys R Us)  It was fantastic advice.  And today, Father Rohr says what I have been coming to learn over the last 5 years - consciousness leads to God being right in front of me or rather God in me, in the present moment.

This is Father Rohr's meditation from today.  What I really like is bolded.

God Is Here and 
Thus Everywhere
Thursday, December 11, 2014

The last words Jesus spoke to his apostles in the Garden of Gethsemane were “Stay awake”; in fact he says it twice (Matthew 26:39-41). I believe the work of religion is, more than anything else, to keep you awake, alert, alive, conscious. Consciousness comes from a wholehearted surrender to the moment. If you’re conscious, you will experience God. I can’t prove God to you. But people who are present will experience the Presence. It’s largely a matter of letting go of our resistance to what the moment offers us.

To be here now is the simplest thing in the world and the hardest thing to teach. In many ways it is the very foundation of all religion and all spirituality. You cannot get there by any kind of worthiness contest whatsoever. You cannot get there; you can only be there. I am convinced that the purest form of spirituality is the ability to accept the “sacrament of the present moment” (as Jean-Pierre de Caussade called it) and to find God in what is right in front of me. At that level, there is almost nothing to argue about. In fact, argumentative religion proceeds from not being present.

It seems we all start out thinking of God as “out there.” Yet we also need to believe, even spatially, that God is “in here.” We must know that deeply before we can take the Now seriously. The reason we can trust the Now so much is because of the Incarnation and because of the Divine Indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Christians have been given the promise that the Word has become flesh, that God has entered into the human, and the human soul is the temple of God. This is Paul’s discovery (1 Corinthians 3:16-17), and it is repeated through various metaphors by every Christian mystic.

Father Rohr's teachings are a balm to my soul.  My idea of God was so battered that I cringe when I hear the word Christian.  My idea of a Christian for several years now has been that of one of a right wing fanatic with whom I disagree on about everything.  So I've had to step away from anyone who talks about Jesus too much.  I've had to step away from the Bible.  When the word, Jesus, pops up too many times it feels like propaganda.

I am relearning God.

This truth of being in the here and now, I understand.

It's Christmas and there is way too much to do. Christmas stress kicked in two days ago.  I thought I was going to keep the anxiety at bay but my old friend came back.  In years past, it came in late November, so the fact that it didn't kick in until December 9, is pro-gress!!  I have moments where my thoughts are all about the future - presents, cards, tasks, errands, events that need to be attended or attended to.  

But God (or higher power or divine presence)  is in the moment.

It's okay to get off track and my stomach will turn and my thoughts will spin.  I am human.  I find that if I am able to get quiet, the fears dissolve.  I also say, "All will be well, even if it's not."  It has taken several years of a very conscious mind shift to employ these techniques.  I don't want to live in fear and anxiety like I did for the first 40 years.  I needed this shift.   This is the second half of life.   I am so grateful for this shift of consciousness.

Namaste.
Happy Holidays!

Christmas Stress, Part 1

It's that time of year.  Christmas stress.  Fa la la la la, la la la. Yuck.

It's the most wonderful time of the year…

NOT.

I tried to keep it at bay.  I tried to say, "oh no, not this year." I'm going to remain calm and let it roll.  And it worked up until yesterday.  And then I felt this tension and irritability creep in.

Oh my gosh, there is TOO MUCH TO DO.

I sat down to start to write the annual Christmas letter.  It takes much drafting and tweaking.   I have been writing them for more than a decade.  It's a tradition that I love.  I have all of our old cards and the letters in chronological order in a Christmas album - and I don't usually have anything finished like that.  I thought, I just want to send my cards out,  do I have to write a letter?  My cards have been sitting in a box for over a week, waiting.

I have been working hard to keep it simple.  There is no perfectionism anymore.  I realized a few years back to let go of perfectionism.

In addition to the Christmas errands and duties which are multiplying right before my eyes.  There are other things that need to be taken care of.  And when I feel there is too much to do, or I get anxiety, I freeze.

That is not helpful for the to do list.  See I'm writing a blog instead of writing the letter.

To be continued