I always thought that everyone was horrified by Nazi Germany. Slowly, oh so slowly, it's beginning to dawn on me that just might not be true. Or maybe some US citizens just don't connect the dots between what Trump and the current Republican party are doing and compare to what happened then. A lot of people are working hard trying to keep a roof over their head and food on the table and have a lot of fear of the other. We live in our own algorithims and sources of information that skew the "facts." Yet, we are in scary times. I recognize I have my own fears.
Did you know that the Nazis came and studied our Jim Crow laws in the mid 1930's while instituting the Third Reich? I learned this while reading "Caste: The Origins of Our Discontent" by Isabel Wilkerson. She describes three caste systems which include India, Germany and the United States.
I was stunned.
I'm still stunned and trying to unlearn what I thought was true about our country.
I had some learning to do.
What exactly were the Jim Crow laws? The following is from the website of the Jim Crow museum in Big Rapids, MI.
Jim Crow was a racial system which operated between 1877 to the mid-1960's. It was a way of life through a series of rigid anti-black laws which legitimized anti-black racism. African Americans were second class citizens. Here's the kicker that I had a hard time stomaching. "Many Christian ministers and theologians taught that white people were the Chosen people, black people were cursed to be servants, and God supported racial segregation." All major societal institutions reflected and supported the oppression of black people.
Many learn the words Jim Crow in history class for a nanosecond, maybe? If the right is able to continue to have their way, that little blurb will not be in textbooks, if it is not already gone. But dive into it and understand the implications on today's situation. ICE is gathering up people based on their looks and throwing them into concentration camps. There is no due process.
Around the time of the pandemic, I began reading social justice, anti-racism books with a church group. I was really naive, and stunned again to learn how the church was instrumental in this systemic racism.
It makes it easier to understand that many good Christians are indoctrinated and cannot fathom that the land of the free, home of the brave has not fully embraced all of it's citizens. The Civil War did not end the persecution of blacks, as our government and it's people moved to different and really effective methods of keeping blacks "in their place."
Currently, the similarities between Trumpism and Nazism are numerous and on clear display everyday:
Rhetoric and Scapegoating
"Enemy of the People" Framing
Use of Populism: he is the sole savior of a nation in decline
Executive Power and Loyalty
Retaliation Threats to those who disagree
Admiration for Authority
I really, really try to see both sides of the current divide. I read books and read FB posts thoroughly. I occasionally get caught up but I try to understand. I wonder how often Trump supporters try to understand why my "side" believes what we do.
It truly seems unsurmountable right now. The onslaught of Trump's actions are so fluid and neverending and designed to overwhelm with so many distractions. The lack of Congressional response to reigning in his actions as we are a three branch system exactly for this reason, is reprehensible. Checks and balances are the heart of our democratic republic and why we moved from England and it's king. It is disheartening to say the least. Greenland is a distraction from rising healthcare costs and the inability to bring food prices down. With midterms coming up, Trump floats not having an election. What?!! His degradation of our solid electoral system only occurs if he thinks he's going to lose but if he wins, all notions of a rigged system vanish immediately. Let's not forget, he tried to overturn a fair and legitimate election and then released the insurrectionists.
In times like these, I have to turn to historians like Jon Meacham. From his book, "The Soul of America:
The Battle for Our Better Angels" Jon argues that despite intense historical divisions, America's "better angels" (compassion, unity, shared principles) have often triumphed. We have to turn away from hyper-partisanship and fear and use lessons from Lincoln and continuing all the way up to the Civil Rights era. We have to appeal to our best instincts not our worst.
We cannot give up. We have to speak up. Even if it's uncomfortable. There are ways to speak up and not agitate. No ones mind is changed by arguing. It is by listening to other's stories.
I really hope our democratic republic is able to survive. Our norms are being massacred daily. I'm hoping for better angels. That is all I can do, and call my representatives, and say out loud that what is happening now is atrocious. We have to speak up in whatever way we can.
My eldest daughter has adopted four successive beta fish in the last years when she was at college. They kept her company and she enjoyed seeing them as she worked at her desk. (I remember that I started with gold fish my freshman year in college and worked up to a cat by graduate school.) This last fish who resided on our kitchen counter did me in emotionally as Riley has been home since her graduation. Towards the weekend, he stopped eating and laid on the bottom and seemed to be actively dying. Even now my stomach tenses.
Every death, even of a beta fish, is a microcosm of other grief and death.
She named them after royalty of course - starting with Louis I. We realized during Louis III, that traveling from Birmingham to Baton Rouge for school breaks in a venti Starbucks cup might not be good on their system so we made changes. Due to my husband's efforts, one of them ended up with a heater for their tank and we stopped turning the light on because the tank turned green due to too much light. We joked about the now grand summer house here in BR.
Beautiful little blue Louis started looking peaked several days ago. And then he stopped swimming and lay on the bottom. One day rolled into two and he just kept breathing. The other betas expired more quickly from what I remember and/or they were in Birmingham. And a few short years ago I had my own Beta that lived for several years.
The doctor, my husband, announced he was deceased on the first day. But when I looked I still saw movement. He didn't actually pass until three days later. Doctors!
For three days, I had to stop and stare for a good amount of time and see that his little gills were still moving. Louis IV wasn't giving up without a fight. At several points in time, Riley and I talked to him and told him it was okay, he could let go.
I then had a divine idea, and I pulled out the remains of our other pets. Pookie (OG cat), Princess and Morgan (sister cats) and Annie (our first dog) I surrounded the aquarium with their little wooden boxes. As Riley pointed out, these were his aunts and uncles. I wanted Louis IV to know our past beloveds were welcoming him into the great unknown.
I don't know if it brought Louis IV comfort, but it really brought me comfort to surround him. Daughter #2 thought it was a little off, I thought it was a beautiful gesture. There was also talk of a Viking burial at sea...
Every time I checked on him, I had these small waves of grief. They didn't last long but they brought tears to my eyes. I haven't been crying lately at all after a long period of lots of grief. As I said, all present grief brings up past grief. Most of my grief is around abandonment. I didn't want to abandon Louis. That is why surrounding him with our previous loved ones brought me such peace. I couldn't stay with him as his breathing slowed. I thought it was brutiful. He was a tiny little living thing but he was alive.
One really had to stare and not blink for a while because the movement was so faint as time went on but he was still alive. He moved twice during this time. The last time, he was partially inside his castle which we thought was a sign, and on the third night, his gills finally stopped moving.
It was time, he had passed.
We waited until the next morning to say goodbye. Riley caught him in a net and the four of us gathered around her bathroom toilet and she plopped him in. The three others said a quick word and then I started my message. The really neat thing these last years, is learning how to express myself. Ha ha. Riley wasn't up for it (!) and flushed the toilet before I finished.
Oh well.
The deed was done. But I know Louis knew I cared for him and I wished peace on his little soul. He knew.
I wrote a Facebook post a while ago about the fact that I don't recognize the Republican party who is taking away healthcare and food from the poor so that billionaires can have more money and to gather up more brown people and put in concentration camps for profit. A commenter from my hometown stated that there were no votes to cut healthcare or feed the poor. This is completely untrue and they pivoted away from that truth and went to abortion again and again. A couple of my friends who disagreed with him joined in and off it went for several hours.
It took me time to see that the responder changed the subject, because he had to validate his vote for Trump. He stated he can't vote for a party that supports abortion because he is pro-life. His dogged determination to support fetus cells outweighs everything that can happen to humans outside the womb. It outweighs every criminal and immoral act of Trump and that was enlightening. He changed the subject when his points were no longer valid.
And we let him change the subject.
This is me reflecting that I have to learn to voice myself in the moment, but I need practice. And I needed to recognize what was happening. I freeze during confrontation, and that is why I take the time to write. I need to stay on the subject. Writing helps me get my bearings, stay open and even keeled.
The Facebook encounter was enlightening because there was one issue that this person was basing his vote on. For years, myself and many many others can't wrap our heads around the continued support of Trump. The Republican party has been hijacked and they have let it happen but the reality is this is who the party is. This is who the party is. There were many times Congress could have stood up and taken power away from this horrendous individual, but they caved to the despot over and over and over again. It was heartening though that this person on FB doesn't agree with everything that Trump is doing. A small amount of heartening but I took it.
Even now, I just got diverted from the topic I intended but it is worth sharing. I just looked up the Moral Majority because of the abortion discussion. Did you know that prior to the Moral Majority movement in the 70's and 80's that the Southern Baptist Convention was in favor of opening up access to abortion in many cases throughout the 70's and after Roe v. Wade? Look it up! Abortion is a very complicated moral matter and many religious leaders reflected that in their stance on the issue at the time. Even James Dobson, in 1973 said the Bible was silent on abortion and that an evangelical could believe that “a developing embryo or fetus was not regarded as a full human being.” The Moral Majority movement used abortion to be the issue to get people to vote Republican because the real issue at hand wasn't as popular to voters. The motive behind the anti-abortion movement was so that whites-only segregationist academies, many church sponsored (Bob Jones University & Jerry Falwell's included) could keep their IRS tax-exempt status. So racism was the underlying reason. This is why the Trump party wants to ban books about race. These are the types of things one learns when they read history.
Now back to what I should have said in the post.
I don't vote for a party who supports the person who tried to overthrow our government to stop the formal process of certifying a free and fair election by planning and starting a riot. I don't vote for the party that lets that insurrection play out for hours without calling in reinforcements and lets police die. I don't vote for the party who asks Georgia's top election official to "find 11,780 votes" and then terrorizes the election workers and lies about an election being stolen. I don't vote for the party who supports the person who grabs women by the pussy, and is convicted of sexual assault. I don't vote for the party of the person who willfully retains national defense information in their bathroom, which falls under the Espionage Act. I don't vote for the party of the person who lied over 30,000 times his first administration. (We knew he was lying about Project 2025 too.) I don't vote for the party who supports the convicted felon due to breaking campaign finance laws. I don't vote for a party who supports the person who steals from charities and lies on their taxes. I don't vote for the party of the person who runs a fraudulent university and has a 25 million guilty verdict. I don't vote for party of the person (& his family) who profits off the office immeasurably. I don't vote for a party of the person who golfs every weekend and we pay millions to his businesses. I don't vote for the party who supports the person who brags about watching underage teenage beauty contestants change clothes because the owns the pageant.
This list can go on and on. That was my highlight real.
I don't want to fight on Facebook, it does no good and my nervous system then interferes with my sleep. But as our country is in the throws of fascism I have to say something.
For those who can't see it:
Key characteristics of fascism:
Authoritarianism: Fascism concentrates power in a single leader or party, suppressing dissent and individual freedoms. (Republican Congress persons have to bow to Trump's every whim or he goes against them and they lose their job)
Ultranationalism: Fascism promotes an intense form of nationalism, often emphasizing racial or cultural purity and superiority. (wrapping themselves in flags, he vilifies all non-white immigrants and people, those "shithole countries" cancelling DEI)
Militarism: Fascist regimes often glorify military power and conquest, using it to enforce their ideology and expand their influence. (military parade, use of unidentified ICE agents to round up brown individuals, describes military who get caught or come back wounded as losers)
Suppression of Opposition: Fascism actively suppresses or eliminates political rivals, critics, and minority groups. (attacks on Obama, Clinton, Biden now trying to use HIS justice system to do so)
State Control: Fascism seeks to control various aspects of society, including the economy, media, and education, to promote its goals. (Starts tariff wars because he can, suing media networks, excluding history of non-whites and slavery from classroom education, book bans.
Rejection of Liberalism and Democracy: Fascism opposes the principles of individual rights, freedom of speech, and democratic governance. (Wants to break up peaceful protests by force which are a first amendment right)
The facisim is playing out every day and getting stronger.
Another reason why I couldn't vote for the Trump party. One huge mode of operation of his is narcissism. He continuously hates on anyone who disagrees with him. He is so emotionally fragile he cannot handle having opposition. He hates Democrats or anyone who disagrees with him and wants them in jail and expresses that often. This bully tactic enthralls certain sects of his supporters and worsens the divide in the country. He has never once tried to be my President. His message is divisive, bullying and childish. Every President before him has tried to unify the country even around huge disagreement. All of them wanted to be the president for the whole country even though they disagree on policy.
His authoritarianism, crimes, racism, narcissism, moral deprivation, character flaws and policies are why I could not vote for him or his party.
Even though I don't like conflict, the Facebook conversation was illuminating. The Facebook commenter is not a terrible person at all. We wholeheartedly disagree on basic fundamental issues yet I was able to get a glimpse of understanding the "why" of Trump votes. A small glimpse and that is enough for now.
Ernest Hemingway once said: "In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much."
Ernest Hemingway may or may not have said that. Everything on Facebook is not true! I tried to investigate but I couldn't tell if it was accurate. So it might be true. What I did want to say is that the wisdom in the sentiment is very true.
We were recently on a week long vacation in Rhode Island. I plan the itinerary (with many reminders from eldest) and on an annual basis, I forget to schedule in downtime. After several full days of going, I hit a wall of exhaustion. One morning, I was just so very done. I was beside myself. I tried to communicate to my husband and eldest daughter this overwhelm that I was experiencing and it wasn't landing. I was getting blank stares which are the worst. I will admit that I tend to repeat things to try to desperately get what I'm looking for and that makes it worse.
My younger daughter was still sleeping while I was talking with husband and eldest. When she and I were alone after she remarked she was tired too, I strategized with her, and said, "I need you on my team."
I need you on my team.
She then remarked she meant she hadn't woken up yet. I sighed. In that moment, I just needed someone to be on my team.
I needed to not feel alone.
We went on with our plans that morning and I repeated before we left the airbnb that I planned for down time in the afternoon. We went on our way, we had lunch and then I was going to get dropped off while they went on to do another activity. They kept talking, and decided to postpone the activity until tomorrow. So everyone came home and had down time (because we all needed it!)
Somewhere along the way, I had an epiphany that I didn't need everyone to feel the same way I did. What I end up doing in an instance like this, is trying to convince others why I was tired, why I needed down time. It felt truly awful, that I was having to rationalize my feelings to others. If I feel it, that is my experience. I knew I needed to approach it in a different way. The epiphany was that what I needed in those moments earlier was a gentle presence of understanding.
I needed a knowing look of compassion. My husband and I have been together for 32 years. He is a problem solver and surgeon who literally cuts out problems in life, so we have tangoed with this for a long time. We are making progress. Several weeks ago, I was upset about something, and he walked over to me, sat down and put his arm around me and said nothing. But he was present with me in that moment and that was what I exactly needed. This simple (!) human connection as Hemingway may or may not have talked about is related to our past trauma. I was having anxiety over not being able to keep going for myself and disappointing my family.
I have been led down a new path of understanding trauma in the body, especially related to the generalized anxiety I have. A few years ago a friend mentioned the book, "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. And suddenly, I began seeing this message everywhere and how the body was the holder of all trauma. The body was the temperature gauge for all things emotional, etc. For years, I stayed in my head and wanted to rationalize everything that was happening to me. I also thought I just need to learn how to relax, to meditate, to freaking calm down! Anxiety would paralyze me and I wanted to get rid of it in any way possible. But slowly with the aid of my wonderful therapist and eventually the use of Internal Family Systems Therapy, I learned that I needed to reparent myself and learn how to be with whatever came up and welcome it. Could this BE any more opposite to what I had been doing for decades? It was daunting work to make friends with everything that came up because there was a LOT pushed down. Little by little I learned to sit with the immense sadness, abandonment, and shame.
I needed to be the gentle presence for myself.
I may have written this same sentiment before but it's taking me a while to grasp to welcome ALL feelings, and not fight them off. It goes against every fiber of my being.
After decades of looking outside myself, and staying in my head looking for answers, I have learned to stop and have a conversation with the younger version of myself. That younger version is guiding me every minute and I have to welcome, befriend and heal her. She is not going away. She is my guide.
She is my guide and I must pay attention and nurture her.
The last day of 2024 is upon us. Wow. This has been a... year. Year is written in a tone of eyes widened and a snarky look. It has been eventful medically as well as moving into a new life stage. In March, I started using a tool in the form of medication to lose weight and I cannot even wrap my head around it, as I have lost weight. My youngest child graduated and went off to college. In September, I discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism which explained why I have felt decades older than I am for the last few months (years?). Also likely why I thought I had ADD. In December, I had surgery to remove the parathyroid adenoma and half my thyroid (no cancer found). Lastly, I was a part of the country reacting to the election in disbelief of how could this person be elected again.
I have been writing this blog since 2009 and my entries have slowed since the last half of that sixteen years. In some ways that is okay, but I do have many creative ideas that come to me and I have not acted upon them for whatever reason. This I know: I need to write to process life. I need to use my divinely given creativity as well. Hyperparathyroidism has taken a lot from me lately. I have experienced constant brain fog, depleted energy levels, muscle weakness, achy bones, headaches and increased anxiety. Yes, all of that from too much calcium in the body. Doing the bare minimum has been a stretch at times, and I'm thankful for my husband who has been patient with me. I'm also so very thankful for a Facebook support group that has enlightened me that it could take up to a year to recover fully from this little known condition. I had the surgery, the numbers look good but the symptoms are still here. I am turning the corner in that I have ecstatic moments of mental clarity and I can tell I have more energy for tasks although still becoming depleted in a short amount of time.
My annual decluttering phase is here but after two days of continued work, I'm empty again. Yesterday, I had an occular migraine and progress was made that I did not freak out as badly as it did the other two times that I had it. I went to the eye doctor months ago to check it out and after much discussion with my bestie, we think it is an eye headache. This time, I told myself the lightening squiggles were going away, and I took CBD tincture to help relax. I was then sensitive to sound and light for much of the day and had to rest.
I had to rest.
I have been doing a lot of resting and being with myself. I have really gotten use to the quiet and I like it. I'm glad I have done a lot of work to be with discomfort.
I have been doing a lot of resting because that is all I can do. This is how it goes. It's time to walk the dog. Maybe I can go farther this time. Just a few moments in, I start feeling depleted once again. My mind goes, oh nooooooo. Muscle weakness creeps in. I can't go farther. I beat myself up for not being able to do more. I go back home and find sources to read that this is normal. It took this condition a few years to advance itself, it is not going away immediately.
So I rest and accept.
I now have a headache, achiness all over, no energy and a little dizziness from the dog walk, writing, living.
To sum all this up, I want to write more. I also have limitations. I am recovering and it's going to take time and I have to be patient with myself. I am writing a few more minutes to finish this in a not so eloquent way because this doesn't have to be perfect.
It just is.
It is where I am. Deep acceptance.
The country is where it is. There has been an uncovering of the belly of the beast. It's always been there.
I have been fascinated with the office of the President since college, as well as the virtues of truth and decency, and lastly deconstructing my faith journey, the last 9 years has been rough. It's been rough on everyone, including Trump supporters. They are angry and have their reasons but obviously at this point, what he spews must be their belief system. Trump denigrates his enemies using bigotry, misogyny, racism and sexism all of which has been on display in our faces for a decade now and yet this is all okay. Let's add his multiple illegal and corrupt activities for decades and his bent to fascism. He's working hard to stay out of prison. Trump KNEW whom his "people" were, who would never turn their back on him. So many of us have waited years as his behavior has worsened for Trumpers to change their minds. Staying with him has always been unfathomable and honestly the biggest disappointment is the support of him by Christians.
I'll get to that later.
Oh and our children are watching.
I kept waiting and waiting for Nixon era type Republicans who asked him to step down after Watergate to step up but that type of Republican does not exist anymore. Liz Cheney, US Military Commanders, 700 current and former National Security Advisors and Republicans leaving or no longer in office, thankfully, do exist and have stood up.
There is a lot of fear stoked, as Trump preaches gloom and doom, hate, revenge in his current word salad. I equally have fear and doom with the thought of a Trump presidency with no guardrails and a packed Supreme Court that was not properly vetted. There is free reign for the President with immunity. Who would Trump bring with him to the office? Who would be the guardrails? Many of Trump's original hires, which were second and third tier "regular" Republican party, went to prison or were fired because the narcissist doesn't listen to reason. His VP was fired because Trump tried to have him killed in the insurrection because Pence was doing his job. And now with Trump showing obvious mental and physical decline, JD Vance and Project 2025 could really take over. Do you want to retain medicare and social security? Vance is scary because he might actually pass legislation which Trump really couldn't do because he flies by the seat of his pants (and ego) and has no capacity for coercing bipartisan support.
The list of grievances against Trump is so long, one cannot keep it short, but I'm going to try.
One of the issues that speaks the most to me as the mother of two college aged daughters is his lie of "being a supporter of women." He loves women, the same ones he cheated on, has sexually assaulted and grabbed by the pussy. He and his henchpersons have overturned Roe v Wade and now allow women to die in parking lots because doctors fear retribution. They force female children, victims of rape and incest to have babies. Childbirth has always been risky and through more advanced medical practices, less women and babies have died over the decades, but not anymore. Maternal death is on the rise.
Abortion is healthcare. Abortion is healthcare that women need. Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, fetal abnormalities, maternal life endangerment are all reasons for removal of the fetus and/or to keep the woman alive. If men were the ones to bear children, this would absolutely not be happening.
I thought that the Pro-Life movement was about saving fetuses. But as Republican legislatures have enacted their laws, that is just not the case for them. It is about control. Certain legislatures including Louisiana don't care about rape or incest victims of any age. Some want to take birth control, Plan B, lifesaving Mifepristone medication off the table and into a locked box. They want to track women going to another state to access abortion care, and put them in jail. Others are waiting with baited breath to charge the first doctor. This is an attack on women. Trump says women love it, one of his many, many, many lies. As a woman who went through infertility, and the mother of daughters, we can't go back! Today, a woman miscarrying, or who is told horrible news about their unborn baby, they then have to navigate both the loss of the infant and trying to go out of state increasing emotional, physical and financial burdens and a risk of dying.
If it was about life, military assault rifles would be banned and background checks would actually occur. In 1994 when they were banned, deaths went down. When the assault ban expired in 2004, deaths went up. Also, it is not a black and white issue, it is a both/and issue. You can keep your non-assault rifles and handguns while reducing the number of ones that do the most damage. It is common sense.
Now to Christians who support Trump. This is the BEST sermon below by a Texas House of Representatives Democrat, James Talerico. It is the voice that I have wanted to hear for a very long time. The below video is 19 minutes long, here are the highlights: "Christian Nationalists have turned the Son of God, a humble rabbi into a gun toting, gay bashing, science denying, money loving, fear mongering fascist."
Continuing Rep Talerico's words: "Christian nationalists walk around with a mouthful of scripture and a heart full of hate. Don't tell me what you believe. Show me how you treat other people and I'll tell you what you believe. Jesus didn't tell us to love our churches. He didn't tell us to love our doctrines and our creeds. He didn't even tell us to love our scriptures. He told us to love our neighbors, and there was no exception to that commandment. Love thy neighbor, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or immigration status."
He continues a little later: "You know what's interesting, not once in the entire Bible does Jesus ask us to worship him. All he asks is that we follow him. Love like he loved. Love the outcast. Welcome the stranger. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Free the oppressed. As the hymn says, 'they will know we are Christians by our love.' We have to get back to that."
Our children are watching.
And the real truth is that Kamala Harris is imminently qualified for office, will uphold the constitution, and wants to solve the problems at hand. She will work for women to be able to make decisions about their own bodies, pass the bipartisan border protection bill, work for clean air and water, small businesses, first time homeowners, bring down cost of pharmaceuticals, and preserve relationships with our allies etc. etc.
It is okay to vote for a Democrat this time, to preserve the great American experiment of a republican form of government. Our forefathers mutually pledged their lives, fortunes and sacred honor to stand firm in declaring independence from a powerful king. I know if you are a MAGA Trumper and you actually read this, it's not changing your mind at all but I had to get it off my chest.
In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove. It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months. I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging. I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in. I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it. It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move.
I have never named my previous panic attacks. With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together. My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan. She texted, will you have a panic attack? And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack.
I do have panic attacks.
This one enabled me to learn a few things.
In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye. I didn't take a gander at the scanner until the night before. It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay. It has to be, because I really need this test. I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night. I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months. It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard.
The part of the scanner that gave me trouble was a large flat panel that was focused on my neck and it had to remain flat to my face about six- seven inches away for the first test of two minutes. I took the Xanax at 10:00 for the 10:30 test. I thought that would give sufficient time and also it needed to stay in my system for the other longer scans at 1:30pm.
The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go. One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music. As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them.
( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.
I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.
The life began draining from my body slowly and surely.
I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.
That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!! Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again?
I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this.
I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend. I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment.
I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears. Who am I going to get to help me? I have no one to help me. It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital. At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with. An Uber would not do the trick. I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed.
I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could.
Tears rolling down my face even now.
(Lesson 2) I do have friends who are willing to help.
My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available! I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."
Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test. I stopped crying and took another Xanax.
(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)
Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it. I'm here, I've got you. This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon. It was so much easier this go round.
(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax.
I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax. Thanks Kris! The fun(!) from this day carried over until the next day. I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover. Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again. I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.
I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body. It just is. If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body. I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa. I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.
