Wednesday, March 30, 2011

All Creatures Great and Small

A few weeks past was Mardi Gras week. The kids were all mine for the week off of school and we didn't go anywhere, as most of Baton Rouge who went to Disney. And yet, I didn't freak out and I haven't in a while. My old mode of operation was a large doses of fear that I guess I would go crazy with so much unstructured time with my two offspring. I think some of this is left over from postpartum depression. Well, I did not go crazy. The week almost flew by with of course, some pre-planned activities. George took the day off on Friday. We went to the New Orleans Zoo and it was a spectacular spring day. On Satuday, we had massive yard work to attend to. I realized on Sunday evening that George and I had not had one difference of opinion the whole time. Wow! How could that be??!!

We had such a good time at the zoo. We spent four and a half hours walking with no stroller, no anything. We just got up and went, but George, Mr. Prepared, did bring sunscreen. We walked around in amazement at all of the wonderful creatures. Mallory loved the feet marks of the animals in the bathroom almost as much as the flamingoes or looking at animal poop. I love her sense of wonder and know that when I feel that same sense of wonder, I am feeling very blessed, that is what life is all about. Riley took pictures and read the map. Looking at all of the strollers and sippy cups, I realized we have come a long way and in more than one way.

Monday I was thrilled to be by myself in the house again with the girls back in school. But then I felt so discombobulated. And I ate. And then I felt so shamed that I ate past the feeling of full. I skewer myself for not living up to where I think I should be. And I just don't understand. So many positives, so much I have learned and put into place. What is going on? And then I pick up and start reading "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson a few days later. I have just begun the book and love it because it is all about spirituality and she describes making the all important and difficult shift from fear to love. With my ongoing therapy, I GET this. I really get this and I believe it wholeheartedly that is the journey I am on and it's a complicated process. She describes that with any "serous journey of self discovery, there are days when we detour into darkness as we make our way toward light." There is no smooth path. I can't have it yesterday.

What gave me my aha moment of understanding was as Marianne describes, as love is brought up, and we feel we are "moving towards a solution, the problem jumps up and grabs us by the throat." Again...I get that. I want to have lost weight, not just yesterday but years ago. And this is what I am not good at, and am learning is, to be kind to myself. I have stuffed emotions for years and now I am learning how to deal with them as they come out. I don't try to repress them, and this is new territory, new skills are being learned.

I am not giving up, so now I take a deep breath and maybe even a nap like this black bear did at the zoo, try not to beat myself up and love myself. This too shall pass. I will stay intentional.

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