At Home In The Fringe

The Methodist church I attend has a Center for Spirituality (sounded so woo woo to me a few years ago, not so much anymore) and I have been moseying over during our Sunday School hour for the last few months. When I walk in and sit down with these ladies (and a man or two), I feel at home. Feeling at home is sacred to me now because I recognize it. Everything that is brought up and discussed is music to my ears. On a few Sundays, I was verklempt like therapy - like good group therapy which I have never done,  just studied about in my Masters classes. As I have been passionately pursuing all things healing for my inner self, attending this class has been an unexpected bonus, right in my own backyard.

The book we are currently reading is Richard Rohr's Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. I am fairly giddy aobut this topic. I attended a 2 day workshop of his last year and I sat transfixed to what he was saying...for six hours. I wrote about it at the time as THE best revival I had ever attended. And I have post traumatic stress from revivals I attended in my youth.

Father Rohr puts together ideas that do not seem to go together. As a Franciscan Priest, he is on the fringe of the Catholic church from what I'm told and barely hanging on and I like this about him. As you learn the deep truths of your life, your authentic self, being on the fringe is not the scary place that I thought it use to be. My faith is in a loving God and I feel his warmth all the time now and I don't live in fear of his retribution. And feeling that loving God up close and personal now makes me want to act in a loving manner towards the "least of these."

From the introduction of Breathing Under Water: "We cannot stop the drowning water of our addictive culture from rising, but we must a least see our reality for what it is, seek to properly detach from it, and build 'a coral castle and learn to breathe under water.' The New Testament called it salvation or enlightenment, the twelve step program called it recovery."

I embarked on a journey to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off. I knew it was something deep, yet I had no idea in the process that I would embrace the concepts of codependency or Twelve Step ideas, and become closer to God.

Therapy led me closer to God!

I never would have put counseling therapy and God together because maybe no one I knew did it, or in my mind they were completely separate. Now I see God and the holy spirit everywhere, including in myself.

This is what healing is all about. Bring on the fringe. I feel so at home in the fringe.

Learning to Golightly, One Emotional Mess at a Time

This morning I had the most uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to escape myself.

I really wanted to escape myself.

I wanted to run and hide from the agitation, the frustration, the anger, and the despair. I have been through this before and I will go through it again. I have learned that the feelings will move through eventually. Each time it happens to this magnitude, my sense is that it will never end. It feels like it will NEVER end. These are the types of feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel but ate through mindlessly on a daily basis. I pushed them down and used food to numb the pain, the anxiety, the angst and even unbelievably excitement. I did not know how to feel despair nor joy, the two ends of the emotional spectrum.

The problem with stuffing myself (or any compulsive activity that we humans engage in to avoid feeling) is those feelings stay buried and fester. As I journey to go lightly, to be more emotionally, physically and mentally healthy, I have embarked on having these feelings rise up and out. Therapy has dug up really old deep hurts and released them to a more tolerable level. Yoga has released them. I've learned when I laid on the massage table this week and felt tears come to my eyes, massage is a releaser. Normally, I would ask the professional, "Does this usually happen?" But, I didn't have to ask. I did not need verification, I've been on this journey a while and I am starting to be very familiar with myself. {smile}

Another difference today, dear reader, is that I can write this blog and not feel compulsed to explain why I was a mess this morning. I just was. The feelings just were. My feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. I am truly beginning to understand this truth expressed by my therapist so long ago when I had no clue as to what she was talking about. Being right or wrong was very imperative back then.

Now I understand it more fully, one aha moment at a time.

I am fine just as I am, and actually quite wonderful. I don't have to justify my actions, my thoughts, my views, my weight, my religion to anyone. I can be who I am, just as I am, just as my creator made me. Wow!

That is so incredibly freeing.

The first time I wrote this I had tears in my eyes and now I have a positive affirmation. Hot mess to positive affirmation all in a day's time, that is going lightly.

Going With The Flow

I have been feeling very blah lately. My therapist says that I like to figure out why because that is who I am. Yet maybe I need to try something else? Is this a way of trying to control "negative" feelings, or to judge myself whether I should be feeling bad about anything, instead of meeting the feelings with kindness and wonder and letting them flow through? I have always felt the need to rationalize my feelings and it impedes them flowing through.

The facts: My mother in law, my ally, died one month ago after a long harrowing bout with cancer.

In December, I found out I had Melanoma In Situ on my lower leg which is clear now.

Summer is approaching and I will lose my sacred alone time which rejuvenates my soul so much.

My friend Karen C L Anderson who has written a book and a blog, "Before and After: A Real Life Story" recently posted Michael J. Fox's quote from this past Sunday's Parade section. “I don’t look at life as a battle or as a fight. I don’t think I’m scrappy. I’m accepting. I say ‘living with’ or ‘working through’ Parkinson’s. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation – it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it. I look at it like I’m a fluid that’s finding the fissures and cracks and flowing through.”

I love how he puts this. It encapsulates my journey "To Golightly." Acceptance is the first step. Acceptance of my past and who shaped me, and the untrue stories I carried about myself, of the people around me, and acceptance of who I authentically am. Life is fluid, and that old saying to go with the flow makes sense now in a way that I could never have fathomed.  

This past weekend, George mentioned to me that it might be feasible in our future, to buy another house. We visited this nearly 3 years ago and did not go through with it. I jump on this new house hunting idea like white on rice. Weeks prior, while riding my bike in the back of the neighborhood I noticed that a house was on the market which started my mind going. It was just a bit bigger with the perfect layout (upstairs bonus room for the kids, office space for George and TWO computer nooks to hide my messy office) By Sunday, I had called the realtor to look at it, and contacted another friend to find out the value of our home. This dream house was under contract but that didn't stop me, I began a strategic search of homes for sale in our price range and area on the internet. We did go and look at one house that afternoon in a nearby neighborhood.  An adrenaline of excitement was flowing for the first time in a while.

That evening in bed, we discussed the house and mutually agreed that we should not start this endeavor, as it is so much work. GaGa just died and we need time to process. It has been a long year plus. We are tired. I now understand the truth about not making big decisions after losing important persons in your life.

I had a judgement of myself going on about this process and my desire to get a little more space. I run it over in my head whether it's a good idea to leave this fantastic location, or just stay put and upgrade our current home, etc. And then it occurred to me that I really enjoy looking at houses online and in person. And bottom line, there hasn't been much fun, or many planned joyful activities of late. Seriously, not much fun at all. I watched a loved one very painfully shrink to nothing over a two year period and we all suffered. I was diagnosed with skin cancer for gosh shakes. I NEED SOME FUN! If dreaming about potential future homes is fun, then I should not judge it and just enjoy it and dream yet move slowly and thoughtfully.

So for now, I will accept GaGa's death and the feelings that come my way, my blahness and also that I enjoy looking at houses online. I will go with the flow knowing that there is a way through.

My Friends: SPF and Rashguards

I went in last week for my three month mole check after my diagnosis of melanoma at the end of November. I have three fresh new scars. I'm awaiting the results of three moles that were questionable. I knew this was likely. I would much rather have them taken off and tested when the only treatment for this cancer is to keep hacking off tissue to get clean margins where the mole resided.

I haven't fully accepted this melanoma diagnosis although I am reminded every day that I shave my legs. The diagnosis occurred at the beginning of December when my mother in law was dying, and it was Christmas. It happened and I was there but it hadn't sunk in. The reminder card from my Dermatology clinic came and I waited until after the burial in PA to make the appointment.

I haven't fully accepted that I have to become the sun czar for myself and my children and I need to intimately know every brown spot on my body including scalp,ears, eyes and butt cheeks. SPF, shade, rash guards and hats are my new friends and I wasn't ready to put them in my circle on such a permanent basis although I always was aware. A lot of this damage had already been done prior to my twenties.

It just takes time for the psyche to accept this new information. It's a process I believe. Having three new scars is helping me progress in this process of acceptance. But the timing is good, as the humidity and temperature is rising for ridiculously hot summer coming. I am working to get more prepared. In my early youth going to the pool was a social event, and picking out just the right swimsuit was always a part. Now I am searching Lands End for a long sleeve rash guard and skirted bottom. Times they are a changing. The point is I am alive. I have scars but I am alive.

*The results came back, and two moles were atypical, one more than the other so I will have a little more flesh removed and a couple of stitches but overall, very good news. I am grateful.

I Am a Writer

I don't even know where to begin as I haven't been able to write for a while. We had our second funeral service ten days after the first one and this time in Pennsylvania. Thoughts are hitting me left and right and I am trying to keep up with them. I know I need them to be expressed because I am a writer. Writing is the tool to express myself authentically and how I learn lessons. I am in connection with who I am now, how I feel, how things affect me and thus more importantly, how I should proceed, and with this examen, my picture becomes clearer.

Knowing who you are and being able to own it, changes everything especially if you felt the need to hide who you were before because somewhere along the way you got the message that you weren't enough, that you didn't matter. That is a shame thing and shame is powerful. I am still watching Brene Brown's TED video on Shame and vulnerability and have new ahas each time I hear it.

I haven't grieved after GaGa's death like I would have anticipated which means I haven't had massive crying episodes. But I grieved so much before her soul departed. We knew her death was coming, for a year and a half, the writing was on the wall even though she did not acknowledge it. Now grief is more like a vague sadness.

Over the weekend, I was working to get chocolate stains out of Mallory's uniform and this was something she was very good at. She was good at household routines, and performed them one task at a time. And I felt momentary sadness. She left us months and months before her heart stopped so we had been saying goodbye for a long time. Now that the stress of caring for her is over, I have begun to think back to how she was before the cancer and I miss that person. The one who liked to shop and buy clothes for the girls, who sat down on the floor and played, who liked adventures with my girls and cooking and baking. I miss our heart to heart talks. She validated my feelings. There is a wistful sadness because although she really hasn't been here for a long time now she is really gone. Seeing a casket in the ground is powerful.

I am exhausted and worn down. Saturday night my throat hurt with a vengeance and I am taking it slow today. I am trying to give myself some nurturance. I knew I needed it all week after we got back from the trip. I could feel my exhaustion. Each day I got up and did what I had to do, and then pass out by the afternoon. Kids don't really understand that Mommy needs some down time but the biggest lesson for me is that when I do tell them this, they are learning how to take care of themselves as well. And I want to teach them how to take care of themselves as much as I possibly can.

What is it to be Human?

The Guest House by Mewlana Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I really needed to learn this lesson and that is: the feelings that I wake with each day, they are not my enemies as I previously imagined them. I wrestled with them all day long and many times the feelings were victorious and food was used to soothe but in the end food contributed to the problem. I use to feel completely trapped and overwhelmed by my feelings, the "negative" ones that is. The goal now is to lovingly accept all emotions as they come. The next step is to recognize them as a gift. Reframing them in this way,I am still working on... Yet I still stand in amazement how so many times the worries, anger, fear, anxiety just dissapate as I stop and accept them. The freedom in this is shocking after so many years of being ruled by feelings.

I tape Super Soul Sunday on the Own Channel. This episode featured Debbie Ford and her movie, "The Shadow Effect" and she is the one who quoted Rumi above. I see so many themes of my healing journey overlap. Debbie in particular talks about the "shadows" in our lives which are hidden beliefs about ourselves that keep us from reaching our full potential. I believed for many, many years that I was not worthy, I was not enough, that other people were better than me. And I never questioned that belief. But again and again when I am open to learning, these fantastic lessons come to me. Light (love) , dark (denial) , pain, suffering, shame, projection, forgiveness, acceptance, love. All of these lessons lead to me accepting who I already am - my authentic self.

One lesson that speaks to me currently is that what I project on others is a disowned part of myself.

This is big.

And will have to wait until another blog, there are other things brewing.

Saying Goodbye to GaGa

Where do I start? After several days of knowing the end was coming, GaGa took her last breath here on earth. It happened sometime Sunday afternoon and I arrived shortly after because she was still warm. Two nurses and I walked in the room at about the same time when we realized she looked different and then a pulse could not be found.

This is the kind of memory that will be seared in my brain forever. I called my husband, who was at home with his sister, her husband and Mallory and they jumped in their cars. I had just dropped Riley off at church and one of my pastors was already on her way but not knowing she had just passed. Reverend Susie arrived and said this is a precious time, said a prayer over Mary and gave comfort. I could have not asked for a better planned scenario.

Even when you know the end is coming, it is still surprising. It is final and her spirit as departed. We had a lovely service at our church which Mary had joined as an associate member when she moved here several years ago. She had attended our church until she started feeling bad which was 2 years ago and she didn't like people to see her looking bad. I brought her one last time to a smaller noon service in our chapel about 6 months ago and I don't know if it helped her, but it helped me.

Of course, I question how I'm feeling with her death. In the past my feelings would equate with how I was doing. My feelings ruled me. Now I know feelings just are, they occur and we can choose to do what we want with them. Now I experience feelings, examine them, am curious and kind with myself and let them go through. Under my old life perspective, I would have thought I would crumble, fall apart upon this death. She was a very important member of our family, but I find that I am much stronger than I ever realized. I have not really cried that much yet I grieved so much before she left because she was not herself for so long before her soul actually departed from us. I have sadness, but also relief that her suffering is over, our care taking is done. There is still business and mourning at hand. We still have another memorial service and burial in her home church, and this will occur in Coaldale, Pennsylvania next weekend. I am turning it into our great Pennsylvania adventure for the girls and for me. We will say our final goodbye to GaGa.