No more minivan!!

We said goodbye to the minivan at the beginning of June.  The A/C went out and the car was seven years old.  We bought the minivan in January 2005 when we knew we were pregnant with Mallory and in that same week George's car had been rear ended.  As we  started negotiating on the new SUV,  I was verklempt for a few minutes. I felt sadness letting it go, Mallory came home from the hospital in this car.  We bought this car because we knew Grandma could get in and out of it easily.  And now it was time to say goodbye.

Though it only took about 30 minutes in the new car to let the van go completely!!

As we cleaned the van out, I realized how disgustingly dirty it was.  Had I really driven around in something that was so unclean and not noticed?  I guess in comparison to the brand new vehicles it was shocking.

Many things look different with a new perspective.

The filth was seven years of a baby and toddler and kids.   I plan to keep this one cleaner.  I bought leather wipes in high hopes.  Mallory already spilled red Icee within a day of it's newness.  This is life with kids.  Now I will hand her the wipe to clean it up.

The new SUV has been a lesson for me, as most things can be if I bring awareness to it.  I had a hard time spending over my self imposed limit for a car.  I had a line for the last couple of years as we knew this day was coming.  We had the money to buy the really nice one but for me worthiness and money go hand in hand.  It was instilled in me that my worth was tied to money. That is why I haven't been ready for a budget from our financial advisor.  Money and love are very much intertwined as is food.  Food is how I have primarily nurtured myself and I'm unlearning that and money is not so far behind.

I could tell George was open and really excited about the luxury SUV.  I drove a less expensive one that had all the bells and whistles and I could have rolled with that one yet George really liked the quiet of the more expensive one.  I looked at him and said, "Do you want to treat ourselves a little?" and he said, "Yes."  So I drove the top two on my list and narrowed down to the one that was more fun to drive.

The SUV is a treat and I do have moments that I think it is too much especially when I think of how others perceive it and then I stop.  This was our money, our treat and I really appreciate it but know it is just a car...a really fun car.

On The Dark Side

On the dark side is not just a great song from an obscure movie (Eddie and the Cruisers) in the 80's.  It is real.
This is from Jeff Brown: 
In some sense, the word enlightenment is misleading. It is no more about the light than the dark. Resisting the shadow just makes it darker. It is not about becoming continuously blissful. It is about becoming more authentic, more genuinely here. It is about holding the light and the shadow all at once. Perhaps we should call the ultimate goal enrealment—the quest to live in all aspects of reality at once (Be real now)
I don't know who this Jeff Brown is but he has my number.  I somehow thought there would be more peace in this journey or at least a place of equilibrium.  But life has other plans.  The light AND the dark keep coming again and again.  I do have a bad habit of fighting the darkness, the pain, and the shadow. Numbing my pain with food is always a security blanket waiting in the wings to come out.  But slowly and surely, I keep receiving messages about acceptance and not judging and these are the ones that lead to breakthroughs away from that.   
It is about "holding the light and the shadow all at once."  An example:  A summer day home with children, I had my girls (one who wanted to shoot a dance video, the other dying to use her money to buy figurines at the store),  a new dog in training, bills to pay, granite and tile to be chosen for remodeling project, house to clean and I had really icky feelings of being overwhelmed.  I had to stop and accept those feelings because I really wanted to escape them and very quickly.  (I also thought, wow, I hadn't had these in a while.)
So here is the reality, is the world going to end if I don't get the tile picked out today?  Annie who peed on the floor three times will eventually be trained. It's just not happening today.  And while I was waiting for contractor to call, I picked up my daughter's room and that was actually a soothing task.  
Each of my daughters was so excited about their activity and I didn't want to miss their excitement and not be able to engage in a present manner.  We had been working on the video together for several days.  My younger daughter had been pining over the figurines for weeks and she had saved her money. 
Be real now as Jeff Brown says.  I was overwhelmed.  Instead of telling myself I can't handle all of this, I let myself feel the overwhelming feelings as painstaking as it felt and then worked to change my expectations, and let go of the illusion of control.  Being in the present moment and being real is not pleasant, it means accepting the really icky feelings LOVINGLY and letting them go because the light and dark will continue to come.  


It's not the situation at hand, it is really about what we THINK about the situation at hand.   

Mallory's Father's Day Card Comes Alive

To the right is George's Father's Day card from Mallory that she picked out.  By that afternoon, we had adopted a beagle just like the picture.  I am going to really pay attention to the cards Mallory, the six year old sage, picks out in the future.

So we have a dog.  Holy cow, how did that happen?  It's been almost 2 weeks.  These are the things I have learned:

*Annie made no noise on her first day with us, until we were drifting off to sleep at 10:30pm.  George got up and took her for a walk and massive anxiety crept in for the terrible mistake that I let happen.
*Annie likes to pee on the carpet but she has at least sprinkled on the old carpet that I want to change and not my new rugs.
*Vinegar and baking soda have a lot of uses!
*Annie likes to bolt out the front door.
*I can outrun an overweight beagle.
*She likes me, the non dog person, more than she likes anyone in the family.
*She is scared of George and I think (hope) she will eventually warm to him.
*The cats are territorial and there are clashes daily especially with Princess the Persnickety.

*George thinks when the dog barks in the middle of the night, you should take it for a walk. Day 3 at midnight, I was woken to look for Annie who ran off when the garage door scared her after George took her for a walk.
*At this point at midnight, I was okay with losing her and did not want anyone to find her and bring her back to us.
*Things look better in the morning.
*Dogs snore.
*I did not think I would be getting excited about pee and poop in the proper places at this stage of my life.
*Walking a dog, for some reason, is very relaxing.
*It is quite peaceful when all the animals crowd around me and are in harmony and asleep.
*The kids are quite excited to have Annie around. Riley loves to walk her and Mallory likes to cuddle.  *Annie likes to sleep near Mallory.
*Getting a dog is a learning curve and it is growing on me.
*The jury is still out on whether I will become a dog person or not but the point is I opened myself up to a new experience which I am hesitant to do.

I have had glimpses of when timid Annie gets excited and is so happy to see me.  She runs, she jumps and puts her paws on me or just looks at me with adoring eyes and I think, oh, this is what it is all about having a dog.

Unconditional love.

Lots of Therapy and Inner Work Gets You This...

This came around as I have been trying to put words to how I have felt my life change.  This is inner work that you can't physically see but it's been hard to name.  And it is very nuanced.  Yet this is EXACTLY where I would begin to describe what I have felt myself moving towards. Numbers 10 and 11 having to do with judging are instrumental in letting things go with myself and those around me.  Changing these thought patterns is slow but oh so freeing.  I didn't know I had thoughts that were making life so difficult.  Thoughts still pop up but now, I examine and let them go so much more quickly.

Letting go of fears is the next whopper.  I have come to understand that what gives me the most anxiety is what I "think" about the worst thing that could happen to me.  And what if it did?  My thoughts about it could either send me spiraling or I could grieve and make the best of it.  My thoughts and thought patterns are so influential to my quality of life.
I can see how my thoughts have changed in doing remodeling work to the house.  I have elicited the help of a interior decorator and had to trust what he tells me and listen to my own intuition.  This is new territory for me, to speak up and say what I think and even to have the esteem to have someone help me in the first place.  I didn't feel worthy before.  Also as I learn to do something new, I make mistakes.  My kitchen floor was not the ideal, and then a great friend of mine said, "Oh, I have made plenty of mistakes in choosing things for my house!"  That one statement helped me understand that it's okay to make a mistake.  Letting go of perfection is so unbelievable freeing.  I just had the exterior painted and I tried something new and I began to get worked up and in a slight frenzy.  I stopped and thought, it is not the end of the world, it's a paint color.  I spoke up, tweaked the colors where I could, and voila, it's not perfect but it is more than acceptable.  There is a lot of downside to perfectionism.  Acceptance of life which is what number 1 is talking about.

I love this list and am so happy I came across it.  Think it and it will happen.

The Snake Slithers By

I had been immensely enjoying our backyard.  We had put up our summer pool, and the kids were really enjoying it.  We planted flowers.  I would sit and appreciate the spring time and feel God's closeness in our little square footage of nature in suburbia.  I watched the grass turn green, listened to the birds, spotted a slug making its way across the concrete, it was wonderful.

And then comes the snake.

Uggghh.  My husband excitedly beckoned me to come see something and the girls were going bonkers.  I thought what is this?  And IT was on our back porch.  I watched it slither, and what a good word that is.  It is so creepy to observe.  So quiet, so stealth and it turned my stomach immensely.  I had never seen a snake in the vicinity of where I lived.  As I shared my snake story, I heard multiple stories from friends who had one in their bedrooms, living rooms and backyards.  This may be the first but it will not be the last time I spot a snake.

It occurred to me, this is life.  You begin to think you are coasting along and whammy, life throws a wrench.  The girls have not wanted to go outside since then, more than a month ago.  I didn't want to go either and yet as I talked to one of my neighbors, it dawned on me how I handle this is how the girls will.  My neighbor would have preferred us to catch and release in her yard than kill it which is what I ordered George to do.  She said her dad sat her down and explained all about snakes and may have even handled them.  So we had a talk about how to handle it- our style.  Basically with my girls when we see another snake, I know it will end up being scream and run.

Another friend said, "the only good snake is a dead snake."  I am caught in between.  I know snakes have a purpose but I don't know which are poisonous and which are harmless.  I just know they are all creepy.  We have been slow to go to the backyard.  When we first saw the snake, I was looking everywhere vigilantly and now I have slacked off.  I want it to wear off because I want to continue enjoying our yard.  I know there will be snakes and it is all in the way you look at it.

Buddha was right.  If I think it is bad, it will be.  If I think, I will be okay when I see another snake, I will be.  I have to put that in practice and repeat that to myself over and over.  Snakes and wrenches are a part of life, it will be okay.

A Full Circle Moment on Sunday Morning

I have written about overcoming the judgement I have placed on myself as well as judgement that I perceived from church services, revivals and other varied experiences that I encountered in my youth.  It has been slow to heal these wounds and my perception of God who appeared to not be a loving God, but one who just wants to sit back and decide if I'm going to hell.  I didn't respond well to that presentation of God but I still internalized it and didn't realize I needed to step away.  God was out THERE and I didn't feel his/her presence at all.  Religion was full of shouldisms.

Yesterday, I attended my first service in a church that would fall into that category in many, many years.   I was an hour late, but no worries it went on for another hour and a half.  My watch is broken and I felt bad going into my purse to check the time repeatedly on my phone but it was only going to be over when it was over.  It was a celebration for a family member and I wanted to be there.  My kids and I had already been at our own church for 2 hours and I had no idea that the service would be that long, I had forgotten.  We Methodists are methodical, as in an hour in and an hour out and no room for the movement of the holy spirit within the service! {smile}

As the guest pastor talked in his sermon and brought up hell, a small discomfort arose in my body.  Finally, he reached the end of his sermon and here comes the altar call, whereby he asked us to stand.  Everyone did and put their heads down and he proceeded to goad us into coming forward to be saved or make our declaration?  It occurred to me for the first time that this act of walking to the front of the church is more for the pastor than the members of the congregation.  He said what would it hurt to have the Holy Spirit in your life? He began pulling out a few psychological maneuvers to get people to come to the front.  I began to get hot under the collar, and then I had a full circle moment.

I am no longer eight, or twelve or  eighteen and my relationship with God has come a loooong way.  I feel God's love in my life like never before and am aware of it like never before.  More importantly, neither is my church nor how I need to follow the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  It works for this congregation but not me.  I don't need to judge myself, AND I don't need to judge this denomination!

Whew!  What a revelation!  I can now see that this was an opportunity to see how far I've come in my thinking. Instead of wondering what is wrong with me that I don't want to walk down to the front of the church,  I can determine that this branch of the church does not work for me.   Many other things work for me but this does not.  What does work is the group I love that meets at my church during the Sunday School hour and feel God's presence mightily.  We discuss books that resonate with me, and so many times, I'm close to tears because the discussion is hitting the marrow of who I am, and what I have struggled with.

It was amazing to feel the anger just dissipate and I moved on, and completely let go of the experience. It was simply wonderful to let go of that judgement of myself.

Disney and the Inner Journey

I have been MIA and really missing my writing.  We were at Disney for the last seven days.  Disney is magical, yet exhausting. It enables one of a kind fantasy experiences yet is relentless on the feet and senses but now the 2012 trip is in the bag.  All that is left is downloading the photos, printing pictures for the official album, unpacking the suitcases and washing clothes.

It has been three years since we last visited Disney and GaGa was with us for that trip.  Prior to that visit, I had embarked on my intentional journey to lose weight which turned into understanding who I really am.  It is hard to measure progress in an inner journey.  My Aha moments tell me that I am evolving but how do you add that up?  A couple of things stood out to me taking the same exact trip three years later.

I didn't worry about things like I did the last time.  I remember wanting to perfectly plan things out.    I wanted to be in line first for the popular rides after acquiring fast passes for the MOST popular. I wanted to tour the parks in the most efficient way possible on the right day.  I wanted the girls to do what they really wanted to do, yet Mallory had no awareness of what was out there and Riley learned what she liked as we went.  And these things are not bad but my thoughts were consumed with them.  I have learned the difference between planning and rolling with it.  Perfection is not a good thing.

There was a tropical storm that caused rained for two of the days for the major portion of the day.  In a past life, I would have melted down over this!  But this time we put on our rain gear and forged on and it did thin the crowd a bit.  And if you have this attitude of rolling with it, the children will follow.  They do really learn from us, not what we say to them but our actions.

And I learn so much from them.

Riley is Miss Efficient (her end of the school year certificate is for being Responsible!)  She kept track of us in very helpful ways noticing things that I missed.   Mallory is "stop and smell the roses."   So many times she would get left behind looking at whatever caught her eye and I would stop to find her and remember to "be in the moment" with her.  As I am learning to love who I am,  I am learning to appreciate them for who they are and try not to change it in ways I don't even realize I'm doing.   They were born to be who they are.   I think I can teach them how to be but they are showing me who I should be.  (Insert Lady GaGa's Born this Way)

We visited the Bippity Boppity Boutique for the second time.  Mallory was down for the whole big package: princess costume, hair, makeup.  Riley said no.  As the time approached I could tell that she might want to do part of the process.  I thought she had outgrown the "princess" part of it, but she still wanted to be pampered - what girl doesn't want to be pampered?  George, bless him, obliges all of his girls in their pampering.  She ended up with a BBB Tshirt and a frilly skirt that went with the hairdo that she really wanted.  She ended up taking off the skirt and voila - who she was meant to be.

The girls with Princess Merida of the upcoming movie "Brave"

We watched the "Wishes" fireworks at Magic Kingdom at 10 p.m. (!)  (something this early to bed, early to rise girl would never want to do because it involved keeping the girls out past their bedtime and leaving the park en masse) but the story included the line, "Always let your conscious be your guide"

Even Walt Disney is in on my inner journey.