Thank you Mallory for the word and blog title. This is her word for the first day of school. And mine too!
As a stay at home mom, the beginning of a school year, brings up all kind of emotions. I spend a good portion of the summer adjusting to them being at home full-time. Spending 24-7 is quite the challenge and we spend a lot of time together as a family, especially just the three of us during the summer. No one goes to camp, no one goes to Grandmas. They don't have playdates down the street. It is the three of us, 24-7. As sisters, they have beautiful time playing together and then the ugly time of sibling rivalry and fighting. They are both going through new phases. Mallory is wanting more independence and getting better at demanding more of me which I need to give to her. Riley is knee deep in pre-teen mode, and her own independence but still demanding more of me as she has done since birth. Both of them are tackling new challenges at school, which they are excited about. We will take each day, one day at a time.
On this day and prior to it, I get sad, and think of the summer activities we didn't get to do and it's over. We only went swimming twice to our club pool. That's a travesty. There will be no more big volunteer work for me during the summer! Challenges are good but this summer was too busy. I will miss the girls while they are at school, but then on the other hand am so relieved to take a deep breath and soak up the quiet of the house. I need this quiet so much to recharge.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Standards
Holy smokes.
That really says it all doesn't it.
Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who is setting the standard too low besides myself.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
It Can't Always Be the Same: Rocking the Light AND the Dark and Birthday #46
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| Lauren & Mallory 2006 |
I walked the dogs in quiet this morning and in atypical fashion for late July in Louisiana, it was a cool morning. There are several things on my mind this morning. I saw that the moving truck that was packed yesterday with my neighbor Lauren's belongings was indeed gone. She is headed to New Orleans for nursing school. She babysat for me for the last 9 years!! I was pregnant with Mallory when we moved into this house in 2005. Lauren started off as a mother's helper and ended up driving my kids around, the ultimate in a mother's trust. Lauren is going to rock nursing school! Look out New Orleans.
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| Katie and Riley 2005 - Ballon Festival |
My kids are starting back to school next week. Riley will be entering sixth grade and Mallory, the third grade. I dropped Riley off for her back to school party last night. She had a purse with money and a phone in her possession! My stomach turned as she ran off and I drove away. Middle School. I am learning to let Riley be who she is and navigate the highs and lows of the brutal middle years. This is no easy task. I have to let my own insecurities not be pushed as I'm privileged to listen to hers. Thank you social media for adding to the drama. Middle School and puberty were easy enough to navigate before. Yet...Riley is going to rock Sixth Grade!
On my walk, it hit me that my forty-sixth birthday is in two days. Birthdays can be like middle school for me, quite the booger. In the past, reality never met my expectations and I had to learn to adjust. (I do love birthdays on FB though - it's the bomb!) I have learned to lower the expectations, take the day in my own hands and plan it myself. You can't wait around for other people to do what you want to have done in your own life. I was so caught in the muck of fear that I could not even think of alternatives much less act on them in the first half of my life.
Yet that change and adjustment in my expectation of birthdays (and life!) has lead to gratitude for the little things:
Like a crisp morning in July! Peace and quiet and birds singing on a dog walk. The girls sleeping in so I can write. Annie curled up next to me snoring and making me smile.
I don't have delight every day in these things and that is okay too. Sometimes I want to cry during my morning dog walk. That is part of life too. Embracing that "dark" that comes and being curious about it is making all the difference in my life.
Today, I'm especially thankful for people who have come in my life, and become such a special part of it either by birth or by luck. I love you guys! I'm so happy for your new adventures.
I'm grateful that life changes and evolves and I am learning to embrace it instead of being scared by it.
Namaste.
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| Katie and I on Christmas Day 1984 |
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Practicing Self Love One Leadership Role At A Time
I have been volunteering to lead things.
Yes, really.
This is new territory for me.
This is new territory for me.
Last week, I was the co-leader for the craft activity for 350 kids during our week long Vacation Bible School at church. This step has been years in the making. To others around me, I can tell, it's no big deal. And in some ways, it really isn't. Except this was me in a leadership capacity, I NEVER EVER saw myself doing.
Progressing in my shift from fear to love, one of the things that I have learned, is that it is a very slow journey. And progress is seen, after the fact. What I noticed this week, is that I rolled with things that were uncomfortable for me. There were problems and imperfections that would have thrown me into a huge tailspin in the past. As I wouldn't speak up in the past, acting on my intuition is new territory. I enjoyed seeing the needs, acting on what needed to be done and watching my directive occur.
I like working with adults more than children. It's just a fact and my truth. I enjoyed chatting with my adult volunteers. The thought of going back to be a guide leading kids is not appealing at all. And I've been in a few capacities during VBS for the last 10 years.
After I came home each day last week and the adrenalin slowed, I was utterly exhausted. During the week, I took to my bed as much as I could around the needs of my children. I know that there is no doubt, I am an introvert. I'm a friendly introvert, but social interactions, leave me drained. I can only recharge by being alone and doing absolutely nothing. No internet, no tv, and no talking, just solitude. When I'm exhausted, I eat as it feels that I will never have energy again. This particular feeling appears to be a difficult one for me to overcome. There are so many times that I am tired. But, this also gives me more time to practice, right?! {smile} I use to question, why, why am I so tired? And I would think no one else in the world is tired like you. I judged myself unmercifully. I have learned not to question it anymore, it just is. And I have to not beat myself up about the overeating. Self-love is the only way out of this and as I have read and listened to experts in the field of compulsiveness, I need to be curious about the behavior, not judgmental.
I am doing things I never thought I could do. And it takes practice. This is my written reminder to practice self-love.
A few weeks back, after I lead a week of Mission Day Camp with the kids, I ran into our Spiritual Formation Director and I said working with kids really wasn't my thing. She said there was a need for adult teachers in several studies...
This seems very, very appealing. I get excited about that. I may be on to something. And all of this practice in other areas that didn't necessarily excite me has been laying a groundwork to step out in areas that do follow my passion.
Namaste.
I like working with adults more than children. It's just a fact and my truth. I enjoyed chatting with my adult volunteers. The thought of going back to be a guide leading kids is not appealing at all. And I've been in a few capacities during VBS for the last 10 years.
After I came home each day last week and the adrenalin slowed, I was utterly exhausted. During the week, I took to my bed as much as I could around the needs of my children. I know that there is no doubt, I am an introvert. I'm a friendly introvert, but social interactions, leave me drained. I can only recharge by being alone and doing absolutely nothing. No internet, no tv, and no talking, just solitude. When I'm exhausted, I eat as it feels that I will never have energy again. This particular feeling appears to be a difficult one for me to overcome. There are so many times that I am tired. But, this also gives me more time to practice, right?! {smile} I use to question, why, why am I so tired? And I would think no one else in the world is tired like you. I judged myself unmercifully. I have learned not to question it anymore, it just is. And I have to not beat myself up about the overeating. Self-love is the only way out of this and as I have read and listened to experts in the field of compulsiveness, I need to be curious about the behavior, not judgmental.
I am doing things I never thought I could do. And it takes practice. This is my written reminder to practice self-love.
A few weeks back, after I lead a week of Mission Day Camp with the kids, I ran into our Spiritual Formation Director and I said working with kids really wasn't my thing. She said there was a need for adult teachers in several studies...
This seems very, very appealing. I get excited about that. I may be on to something. And all of this practice in other areas that didn't necessarily excite me has been laying a groundwork to step out in areas that do follow my passion.
Namaste.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Fear and Loathing in Baton Rouge
"Every time you substitute kindness for criticism you improve your relationship with yourself.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang
Unconditional self-love. I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.
I didn't even realize what I was doing.
Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me. So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).
It is no way to live.
I wouldn't speak up. It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking. I would never lead ANYTHING. It made me nervous just to participate. There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head. When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H, Huge deal. I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate. My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.
It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out. I wasn't who I appeared to be. I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair. I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes. (That's another entire issue there) I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.
It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.
How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?
For me it was therapy. And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment. I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off. I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food. And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began. I didn't even know that's what I was doing. What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head. I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.
And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy. I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church. But it is all one and the same.
You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}
At the core of spirituality and therapy is love. It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back! Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm, oh yeah, that's fear talking. And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again. In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw. But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.
It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.
When you feel depressed, abandoned, anxious, or worthless that’s a big clue you are telling yourself something harsh and untrue. Challenge your beliefs vociferously in the context of unconditional self love and watch your life improve"
~♥ Nicole S. Urdang
Unconditional self-love. I believe for the first forty years of my life, I practiced unconditional self-loathing.
I didn't even realize what I was doing.
Looking back, I lived in fear and talked to myself ALL THE TIME about how I didn't measure up to others, how I couldn't do whatever was placed before me. So many, many moments of my life were spent worrying about the next ones (and not being present).
It is no way to live.
I wouldn't speak up. It didn't matter the situation, or to whom I was speaking. I would never lead ANYTHING. It made me nervous just to participate. There was no way I could lead, even though I could see better ways to do certain things, I would never voice the thoughts in my head. When I had to call someone on the phone or address someone about something relatively important, it was a capital H, Huge deal. I would agonize over it for hours or days and procrastinate. My husband commented to me how I freeze in my tracks and just don't move.
It seems every interaction I had with others, I felt like I would be found out. I wasn't who I appeared to be. I had made good grades, I was cute and had pretty hair. I was a cheerleader for gosh sakes. (That's another entire issue there) I lived by all of the externals - anything that was on the outside: from what groups I associated with, to the name brands I wore, to how I looked.
It is makes me sad to think how little I thought of myself.
How do you come out of that, especially if you don't even have the awareness that it's going on?
For me it was therapy. And like most people, usually something has to hit a breaking point for anyone to head to therapy, rehab, treatment. I wanted to find out why I couldn't lose weight and keep it off. I knew there was something much deeper to my relationship with food. And that is where my journey to shift from fear to love began. I didn't even know that's what I was doing. What I found out was why I couldn't love myself, and the stories I told myself in my head. I began the process of becoming who I AUTHENTICALLY am.
And the bizarre thing to me, was that my spiritual journey was one and the same as my therapy. I unintentionally ended up at church in studies that matched exactly what I was learning on the "outside" and I didn't know those studies existed inside the church. But it is all one and the same.
You know "God is love." {smile} {wink}
At the core of spirituality and therapy is love. It had been lost for me for a really long time but it's coming back! Now, when I judge myself or another person, I stop, and think, Hmmm, oh yeah, that's fear talking. And these days, the thoughts just flow right out again. In the beginning of practicing mindfulness, it might take a few days when someone or something really got in my craw. But lately, it's down to a few hours and for small issues, it takes minutes or seconds.
It's been a slow journey and at times painful but one that I am gloriously happy to be on.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
White Knuckling Plane Flights and Life
I still haven't gotten over airline flights: the magic, the mystery, the fear. Yesterday morning we were in San Diego, two time zones away. This morning, I wake up in heat and humidity and the Central Time Zone of home. Before we lifted off, Mallory asked me, "How does the plane fly?" I said she needed to ask Daddy denying my feminist self. I have no idea how the plane works, and I ain't got time for that, I just need to take a half of Zanax, put my head down and roll with it. It has taken me several years to understand that's just what I need to do to fly. Well, truthfully I figured it out once again five minutes before she asked.
Before her inquiry, I thought, I'm not having any claustrophobia at all. A moment later, the flight attendant announced she had good news and bad news. As I looked up for the first time to the front of the plane, my stomach curled both with the visual of the rows and people ahead of me and the thought that there was bad news. (All I could comprehend now was the nightmare of being stuck on a plane for 9 hours on the runway.) I immediately got out my pill bottle and took the half that was left from the previous flight seven days ago. Mallory was telling me that she really didn't like flying. I thought, one of us needs to be medicated and I don't know what her dosage would be.
So I held her hand and Riley's hand who hates takeoff and away we went.
Even after flying for the last twenty odd years, it is still simply amazing to me. To be in one place one thousand seven hundred miles away and then bam, three and a half hours later, I am across the country.
Wow.
I use to try to white knuckle my way through flights. I thought there was something wrong with me that I needed to take medicine. I have claustrophobia and I don't like being in enclosed spaces. I had several bad experiences on planes which I now know where panic attacks. And then a few years ago after trial and error, I discovered there was medicine to help. I found a primary care doctor who I felt comfortable with and have had the same bottle of anti-anxiety pills since 2011. I don't fly that often.
I also use to have a hard time having fun. For some reason, I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't put myself out there. I didn't make plans. I scratch my head now and think, why did I think that? (I wasn't worthy….)
It doesn't matter any more. I have learned to have fun. Not just in flying to California but in the little everyday things. Each day, I can make myself miserable or change my thought patterns, and accept things the way they are or change them. Once I made the choice of conscious living, everything changed bit by bit, I was no longer the victim. I now have my sense of humor back and the sense of doom has departed. I do forget every now and then though, and I need a wake up call.
San Diego was fun. Los Angeles was even more of a blast for me. Food poisoning was not. But it happened and I recovered and moved on. The beaches were utterly spectacular. They transformed me instantaneously to a relaxed space the moment we stepped out of the car. Getting away and exploring new places is a wonderful adventure. It has taken me years to know that traveling is my right and privilege and I'm so grateful that I can do it. And… it doesn't have to look perfect.
And I'm so grateful to know that every day is an opportunity for white knuckling fear or for love. Most every day I choose love now.
Namaste.
Before her inquiry, I thought, I'm not having any claustrophobia at all. A moment later, the flight attendant announced she had good news and bad news. As I looked up for the first time to the front of the plane, my stomach curled both with the visual of the rows and people ahead of me and the thought that there was bad news. (All I could comprehend now was the nightmare of being stuck on a plane for 9 hours on the runway.) I immediately got out my pill bottle and took the half that was left from the previous flight seven days ago. Mallory was telling me that she really didn't like flying. I thought, one of us needs to be medicated and I don't know what her dosage would be.
So I held her hand and Riley's hand who hates takeoff and away we went.
Even after flying for the last twenty odd years, it is still simply amazing to me. To be in one place one thousand seven hundred miles away and then bam, three and a half hours later, I am across the country.
Wow.
I use to try to white knuckle my way through flights. I thought there was something wrong with me that I needed to take medicine. I have claustrophobia and I don't like being in enclosed spaces. I had several bad experiences on planes which I now know where panic attacks. And then a few years ago after trial and error, I discovered there was medicine to help. I found a primary care doctor who I felt comfortable with and have had the same bottle of anti-anxiety pills since 2011. I don't fly that often.
I also use to have a hard time having fun. For some reason, I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't put myself out there. I didn't make plans. I scratch my head now and think, why did I think that? (I wasn't worthy….)
It doesn't matter any more. I have learned to have fun. Not just in flying to California but in the little everyday things. Each day, I can make myself miserable or change my thought patterns, and accept things the way they are or change them. Once I made the choice of conscious living, everything changed bit by bit, I was no longer the victim. I now have my sense of humor back and the sense of doom has departed. I do forget every now and then though, and I need a wake up call.
San Diego was fun. Los Angeles was even more of a blast for me. Food poisoning was not. But it happened and I recovered and moved on. The beaches were utterly spectacular. They transformed me instantaneously to a relaxed space the moment we stepped out of the car. Getting away and exploring new places is a wonderful adventure. It has taken me years to know that traveling is my right and privilege and I'm so grateful that I can do it. And… it doesn't have to look perfect.
And I'm so grateful to know that every day is an opportunity for white knuckling fear or for love. Most every day I choose love now.
Namaste.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Social Media and Me…
My eldest daughter is now on Instagram. She has been on it for a few weeks. Instagram doesn't interest me that much. It's just pictures. On Facebook, you can write something about the pictures. I like the writing. I want to hear about the experience, not just the picture. Pictures can really be deceiving and that is another blog.
And on Instagram, there are no links to any other writing either. It's just pictures. And then there's Twitter. They limit the writing to 144 characters. Where is that going to get me? There are links but I have to click several times to get where I want to go and then go back to Twitter again. I'll admit those are the ones about the Housewives, though and I don't need to know that much. And there are like 3-4 different communications going on within one tweet, and I'm still figuring out who originated the post. Hashtags are cute but then it takes time to decipher what the words are and some people can't spell and I get stuck trying to figure out what the heck this person is trying to say. #notclearatall
Yet, I post all my political agendas on Twitter because if someone stops following me, I won't know, because I forget to go there. Facebook unfriending is so much more severe… I do post things on Twitter that I want to keep at least for as long as I can find them.
I like words and have moved to a place in my life where I like to know what people think (well some of them) and if they have proper grammar and not just what they look like. I am slowly letting go of superficiality.
I have not been "good" at Instagram either. A few weeks back I realized that my Instagram was open for anyone to see and I had no idea how to find more people. Luckily, I had only posted one picture. It is definitely for those who use their phones and not a laptop . I had been trying to delve into Instagram more deeply but I was on a laptop and there seems to be no way to navigate. That was immensely frustrating for me. So thumbs down for Instagram.
I am aging myself out with my rigidity of words, and large screens just as all the young people have flown from Facebook because all the old people are on there now. I am one of those old people. I like laptops with bigger spaces. I am a word person, not just pictures.
And that is O-kay.
Except I have to watch what is going on with the young people, especially my young people. I must not be so rigid that I won't at least check it out before I diss it. And figure it out enough to see what my peeps are up to.
#keepingitreal
And on Instagram, there are no links to any other writing either. It's just pictures. And then there's Twitter. They limit the writing to 144 characters. Where is that going to get me? There are links but I have to click several times to get where I want to go and then go back to Twitter again. I'll admit those are the ones about the Housewives, though and I don't need to know that much. And there are like 3-4 different communications going on within one tweet, and I'm still figuring out who originated the post. Hashtags are cute but then it takes time to decipher what the words are and some people can't spell and I get stuck trying to figure out what the heck this person is trying to say. #notclearatall
Yet, I post all my political agendas on Twitter because if someone stops following me, I won't know, because I forget to go there. Facebook unfriending is so much more severe… I do post things on Twitter that I want to keep at least for as long as I can find them.
I like words and have moved to a place in my life where I like to know what people think (well some of them) and if they have proper grammar and not just what they look like. I am slowly letting go of superficiality.
I have not been "good" at Instagram either. A few weeks back I realized that my Instagram was open for anyone to see and I had no idea how to find more people. Luckily, I had only posted one picture. It is definitely for those who use their phones and not a laptop . I had been trying to delve into Instagram more deeply but I was on a laptop and there seems to be no way to navigate. That was immensely frustrating for me. So thumbs down for Instagram.
I am aging myself out with my rigidity of words, and large screens just as all the young people have flown from Facebook because all the old people are on there now. I am one of those old people. I like laptops with bigger spaces. I am a word person, not just pictures.
And that is O-kay.
Except I have to watch what is going on with the young people, especially my young people. I must not be so rigid that I won't at least check it out before I diss it. And figure it out enough to see what my peeps are up to.
#keepingitreal
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