Triathlon, anyone?

(I wrote this as an entry for a magazine contest last year)

Most Important Day of My Life

What is the most important day of my life? How do you narrow down? When I first read the contest title, I had many thoughts going through my mind but one that I immediately fixated on was the mini-triathlon that I had just completed. The next thoughts were of the births of my two young daughters, the first after a two year arduous journey to become pregnant, and then I thought of my wedding day, my Masters degree, and other assorted experiences. I felt guilty that I would choose the triathlon over my beloved husband or daughters. Oh, the guilt that comes with motherhood! In continuing to ponder the question, I determined that one of the reasons that I wanted to participate in the triathlon was to set an example for my young daughters as well as push through some personal issues of my own. I am striving to improve myself and therefore become a better mother, and wife and that is why I have chosen the mini-triathlon as the most important day of my life, thus far.

I would not consider myself an athlete and in that statement, I am not giving myself credit which is something I do quite often. I did play softball in elementary and high school. I had one season of both volleyball and basketball and participated in cheerleading in high school. I had a humiliating experience with softball in high school which involved the coach calling me names like “Happy Moron” and also joking that I was as useful as a milk pail under a bull. These were mortifying moments at practices especially as I first had to stop and think what did he just say? I knew it was an insult but I had to absorb the meaning! In hindsight, I needed help with male role models in my life. Although my father did the best job he knew how and was physically present, he didn’t engage with me on a personal level. And then I had this coach who was also my principal, cracking jokes at my expense. Those comments have followed me and influenced me in subtle ways since then until now. Even though I really liked the sport of softball, I chose not to play my senior year to avoid any more of the same treatment.

I had read about the mini-triathlon in the paper the year before and I thought, I should do that. That thought and a year came and went. That was way too much for me to undertake, and all of the negative thoughts flooded my mind, which I realize are a constant occurrence and one that I am changing. I have two young daughters ages five and two. The older was in Pre-Kindergarten for half a day and the other goes to Mothers Day Out three mornings a week and they are my charges the rest of the time. My husband is a surgeon and has a very demanding and time consuming schedule. He is very hands on when he is home but there is no absolute timetable of when he will be home. One day, I was talking to the room mother of my older daughter’s class and realized she was training for the Rocketchix mini-triathlon and it was coming up in less than two months. I started thinking again, is this a possibility? Could I do this, did I have enough time to train, and did I have it in me? Could I wear a bathing suit in front of a large group of people and actually swim? My swim stroke lessons are from high school PE instruction and are not pretty and involve lots of backstroke. I had swum some laps when I was pregnant with my first daughter but that was five years ago. I did have a bike and enjoyed leisurely jaunts on occasion and I had been jogging for a few minutes at a time since Christmas. I began to think of all of the times I had pushed myself physically. One of those times was when I was dating my husband and we backpacked in the Smoky Mountains for a few days. At the beginning of the hike, after strapping on the full and heavy back pack all I could think was, “What have I gotten myself into?” It was hard and I had to push through all of the negative thoughts in my head but I still remember how magnificent and beautiful it was when we reached our first crest. I also remember the emotional and physical high of pushing through my body’s comfort level and pressing on. Would I want to do that same type of thing but this time with an audience?


One of the other motivating factors to undergo the training for the triathlon was that I turned forty this year. It’s a milestone number and accomplishing this feat before the big 4-0 seemed appealing and appropriate. I know I suffer from the cliché “low self esteem” and have those previously mentioned negative thoughts. I do know I have accomplished many things in my life, but I know that I also worry about what other people think and after some counseling therapy, understand why and am working through those issues. The older I get the less I worry about this and I love, love, love that about getting older. The triathlon was perfect for turning 40 and to help get over worrying about what other people think, i.e. swimsuit.


One morning with both girls in school, and I am still determining if I should do this, I rode around the neighborhood on my bicycle, then jogged a little bit and decided, I could do it, I should do it and I NEEDED to do it. I slapped on an official triathlon style bathing suit in the middle of February with back fat hanging out and started swimming in an indoor pool. The room mom and I started training together when our schedules permitted. Goals are good and I was on a mission. I realized the importance of setting a goal and working towards it. Fear of failure is also an excellent motivator. I continued this path of swimming, biking and jogging based on the training program. Pushing myself out of my usual thirty minutes of treadmill, and a few strength training exercises was fantastic. It felt so good physically and mentally to push hard through laps in the pool, cycling, or jogging and then feeling exhausted but satisfied when it was all over.

I was pretty certain I would finish the triathlon but the anxiety just prior to it was high. The event was hard and at the time seemed not so much fun and right after I thought, I don’t ever need to do this again. The pool portion seemed chaotic as compared to the one time I had attended a swim clinic. The bike ride was in a headwind the entire second half. Upon transitioning from the bike to the run, the party and music had started at the finish line due to staggered start times and I really wanted to go join it instead of hoofing it for the run portion. Yet I am proud that I finished and in a not so shabby time frame and I had not been in the practice of running, swimming or biking until I started training. As the day progressed, I thought well, maybe I could do it again next year and beat my time.
Other people were surprised when they heard of my feat and it was nice to hear that I had inspired a friend to do a triathlon and then another mom in the neighborhood bought a bike and started riding it. Yet the principle that I’ve learned and beginning to live is that what is most important is what I think of myself. I did this for myself and secondly for my daughters. I now know that I am capable of setting goals, working hard, and if that is not an athlete, I’m not sure what is. I am an athlete and I am a Rocketchick! Next year I plan to better my time or I might move on to another goal. In my life, I hope to continue to set goals and work towards them even when there will be surprises and setbacks along the way as there have been in the past. I’ve learned a lot during these forty years and training and completing the triathlon was a major step for me to take and move through some of my fears and is why it is the most important day, thus far.

Diets Don't Work

I am still seeing my nutritionist on a weekly basis and it is hard work. It is unlike any experience that I have had with a nutritionist, dietician or diet center. I hate to even put the words diet center in that same line up because I respect trained and educated nutritionists & dieticians even though they put me on DIETS WHICH DON'T WORK. Can you tell I have had bad experiences at diet centers??? When I do manage to get to my body's natural weight whatever that is and am comfortable, I am going to scream from the mountaintop, DIETS DO NOT WORK. Well, I am screaming it from the vantage of this blog right now.

Now the kicker is, watch who you talk to about your new eating plan as a lot of people will not understand it. I know there will be some who might but many will not. Now are you sitting down and ready to hear what the first step of my nutritionist's plan is? The first step of my work is to think about what I really really want to eat and sit down, eat it and enjoy it. Yes! No formula but to eat what you want to eat. That is unheard of in the billion dollar diet industry especially in the month of January after New Year's Resolutions but then there is a hitch and that will come later.

The point is that I have many forbidden foods in my world. I have made many foods illegal, so illegal that I couldn't even tell the nutritionist what I craved. I have not allowed myself to enjoy food. Thus what I end up doing after I have deprived myself of something that I really want is that I then overeat on other food until I am completely stuffed. This process is very shaming, and I feel out of control and then feel guilty. So I am learning to enjoy food and it is actually quite hard to do. And I've gained weight which is normal in the process, but is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. Yet I'm holding on, monitoring my hunger and keeping with it.

A recent conversation with an acquaintance in which she first said, "You, want to lose weight?" (as in she didn't think I needed to lose any) I tried to explain that I have had to buy new clothes in a larger size because I've gained weight and I don't feel comfortable. I then realized that the person I was talking to is a large boned woman who is an inch or two taller than me and even more solid than I. I have very thin wrists and ankles and the weight that I am carrying does not feel right on my frame. I am practicing yoga and I'm squishing parts of me together that shouldn't have to. I don't feel like myself in this skin. I realize her not wanting me to lose weight has more to do with her than with me. As I tried to explain in brief that I was learning to enjoy my food as I hadn't in the past. She then said in a snickering way, "So you are paying her to tell you that you can eat cake." In a word, yes. There was no need to try to explain any further to her. Later than afternoon, I felt myself get really irritated. She was basically making fun of this very serious topic for me.

The bottom line is that again, this has more to do with her than with me. I truly know that I'm on the right track. It's a very slow track which at first takes me in the opposite direction that I want to be in. But I know intrinsically that I'm on the right track. Diets felt so depriving. I despised, hated, loathed going to the weigh ins at LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig and years before at Weight Watchers. I knew those counselors didn't understand what was going on. They knew the diet and that was it. I knew it went much deeper than just a diet. It is a lifestyle, it is enjoying foods in moderation. And now, here is that hitch. I have to get at the reason why when my stomach feels full and I'm no longer hungry and I've meet my body's dietary needs for the day, why do I continue to eat? That is so painful and addressing that is at the core of the matter. I have to find those answers myself. I have to feel the pain of whatever is making me relieve my stress by eating.

Another major part of this is that I want my two beautiful daughters to love their bodies and I want to eat properly in front of them as an example. I have to learn to do it for myself first and then I can model the appropriate behaviors. And again, I will scream from my blog, DIETS DON'T WORK!!!

Oh, I have discovered M&M's have been one of my forbidden foods. As well as popcorn at the movies. So as I'm on my trek to see all of the Oscar nominated movies, I will have popcorn and M&M's while I am enjoying the show. It is hard work but someone has to do it. And then that hitch, I have to stop when I'm full which really doesn't take long, but I'm learning to enjoy every morsel one bite at a time, slowly.

Staying Hip

I started listening to XM radio Christmas 2007 when I received it as a present. I really enjoy it and mainly have listened to the Oprah channel but now I'm branching out. With my "5" personality I sometimes go on overload in my information seeking and just need to take a break from the talk and enjoy some music. Also, I want to listen to some of the current music so that I can get some new things to listen to while I work out. One can only listen to Bad Mama Jama, Brick House and High School Musical 3 so many times. So, I've been trying to learn the new music listening to the Top 20 on 20, or Pulse or the like. This was my problem: I didn't know which name was the group and which was the song title on the display. (By the way, I love, love, love this feature on XM radio) This cracked me up every time and made me feel old. The first time this occured was a Bowling for Soup song called1985. I didn't know if the song was Bowling for Soup or if 1985 was the song but of course I liked the song because it was about 1985!!! I could easily remember which thing, artist or song title it is by remembering which is always on the top line and which is the bottom line but in my advancing age, I forget. But the names should be easier. The names are so crazy now. Not like the old days: Michael Jackson, Prince, Whitney Houston, The Time, Rick Springfield, Bon Jovi, Michael Bolton, New Kids on the Block, etc. They were just old fashioned names or groups that actually made sense. Five for Fighting? Maroon 5? O.A.R.? Plain White T's? These names make me feel old and long for the good old days. I guess they are running out of names and have to come up with something unusual. I know there is probably meaning behind the names, but when you feel behind the times, strange names make me feel old. There were strange names in the 80's as well but I was familiar with them. I guess this happenin' momma of two will just have to push her limits and work the brain to remember which line is on top. And get with the program to find more music to stay hip but I'm sure that is not what you call it now...

What type are you?

I am concluding the second part of an Enneagram Workshop at my church today. It is a personality inventory that focuses on utilizing gifts and talents based on your type. There are 9 different personality types and they go by number 1 through 9. At first I had a hard time deciphering which one was my core type and was completely confused. I spoke to the leader of the study and with one statement to her and with her years of experience, Sister Lucy nailed me in 30 seconds flat. Then it was so painfully obvious what I was with the emphasis on pain. My personality completely correlates with the fact that I was at the workshop in the first place. I have thus been chuckling at myself continuously as I realize how I am so acting out my number all the time.

When I mention this personality system to those I have come into contact with, most are very intrigued by what number they might be. It has been quite interesting and I realize my best friend, my mother and I are all the same number. Our number is 5. Fives can differ though in that you can be a super duper above average 5 (Albert Einstein), an average 5 or a dysfunctional 5 and it names which mental illness you would digress to. I was at Barnes and Noble finding a book (so totally 5) and while looking it up, I came across several books on Enneagrams. There was one book that had a whole descriptive chapter devoted to each number and I immediately bought it but was only able to look at it briefly but the little that I did read so totally described me, it was eerie. Over time, I am reading it slowly, and I realize that it is like putting months of analytical physchotherapy into a chapter, one painful paragraph at a time, but I'm still reading.

The workshop leader used the act of crossing a river to describe each of the 9 types. My type doesn't ever cross the river but hides behind a tree, observes the others doing so and takes notes. At first, I didn't like this description at all. After all, I had participated in a mini-triathalon and had gotten in the pool and swam...as well as biked and jogged. I did get "across the river," but it was only after a good thought process and a testing of the waters to first decide, if I could do it. This is confirmation of what I learned in that if I am comfortable with myself and functioning high as a 5, I can progress to an 8, which is a leader. So in doing the triathlon, I pushed myself past my observer 5. It is so amazing how this book, that I had never heard of, could so completely describe me and others so completely.

But being a 5, I am always interested in learning more. Observing, and adding knowledge to my base. I laugh because one of my favorite things to do is go to Barnes and Noble during my little free time without children and pick up books of differing natures and speed read what I find interesting. So it is, I am a 5. I accept this about myself and when I'm feeling super duper, I will expound and go out and use some of the knowledge that I have gained and cross that river again.

Princess and I, the Needy

Our family adopted 2 adult cats late last year. My first and only cat, Pookie had grown old and very ill and I had to put him down. I waited a few months before wanting to add a new addition to the family, not knowing whether I wanted to get another cat. Riley was ready to go look the day that I was taking Pookie to have him put to sleep. I hadn't even started crying to grieve my little furry friend who had been with me before marriage and children.

Anyway, I liked the idea of being able to leave the doors flung open, no more cat box to smell or clean, etc. but the calling came and we ended up adopting 2 cats. They are sister cats, that needed to be adopted together and it was meant to be. As we were getting out of the car at the pet store to look at the cats up for adoption, Mallory said, "I want to name it Princess." Guess what the names of the sister cats already were: Princess and Morgan. We kept the names and had to wait until we came back from a vacation to bring them home.

Pookie was not a lap cat, he would rub up against my leg to show his affection and when we lived in Buffalo, he would come get closer at times for warmth. But that was enough for me, I was fine with a non lap cat and a little dark blip of a warm body in the same proximity with me. And then came Princess and Morgan. The first day we brought them home, they stayed hidden away from the loud and exciteable children but when the girls were put to bed and George and I retreated to our bedroom, out they came. George and I were in the bed, and they swarmed all over us, in our laps wanting affection, licking our faces. It was hysterical to us after our previous introverted feline. What had I gotten myself into? Every time I sit down at the computer, on a chair, in my bed, etc., one of them, especially Princess is right there fighting to get her attention and her spot.

I feel a kinship to Princess (and Morgan). I was one of those needy chicks with father issues that I have heard made fun of in movies and tv shows. I have learned a little more about myself in the last year or so and why I was a "needy chick" and I've come to terms with it and have learned over the years to not be so needy. Now I'M needed ALL the time by my children. Karma has come around, and here comes Princess, when I'm trying to type on my laptop, she's walking across it trying to find her spot. When I'm eating my cheese enchilada, she puts her foot in it. At the bathroom counter while I try to get dressed, she is trying to come between me and my mascara. She is the persistent Princess and I just laugh thinking how similiar I was to them both and most days I stop and give them some stroking and love.

Does your morning sound like this?

It's Friday morning... Kelly, our cleaning lady is coming at 8:30, there is pressure to get everything picked up that I didn't finish last night [lazy] because there is always waaaaaaaaay tooooo much to declutter before she does the hard cleaning. I need to take Riley to school for 8am dropoff, thus need to walk out house by 7:40, and back out of the driveway by 7:45. Mallory has mother's day out at 9am.
This is how the morning goes....
7:10am Master Bathroom, As I'm dressing, Mallory decides she wants to shower, [okay, easier not to fight with her but warn her sternly that she will have to get out when I say so. The age three is the new two, the tantrums are louder, longer and more explosive, and I must pick my battle] Thus I have to make a mental note to remember to give at least 3 warnings that it's time to go. Now that she likes to wear nightgowns at all times of the day and night this will make things easier when its time to go. She also likes to take multiple showers for extended lengths and I let it happen, and I will worry about the planet's lack of water another time.
7:25am Riley is REALLY whining, it seems more intense than the usual everyday whining . There is a normal whining when getting her school uniform on. [Now that I think about it, she has worn shorts and shirts two days that are easier to get on than the shirt and jumper. Mental note, buy more shorts and polo shirts] I decide to think out of the box and do the opposite of what I wanted to do (!) and I give her some love. I hugged and kissed her and in doing so, she whined that I hit her back on the chair. I am going to persevere, I get on my knees to be level with her and hugged again, free of chairs, and gave her some smooches on her neck. In return, I get a lower threshold of whining coupled with a stifled giggle.
7:35 I tell Mallory to get out of the shower after three warnings and she listens and complies. ( Hallelujah!) Riley doesn't like her sweatshirt as it hurts her wrists as it is too long (@#$$%#$) , the collar is bothering her and whines that Mallory gets to take long showers ALL the time. She has also forgotten her socks and forgots to get them again when she went to get another sweatshirt.
7:45 Non painful sweatshirt is acquired, Mallory is dry and in nightgown ready to go. We go towards the garage. Riley says I need show and tell for today. [Okay, are you kidding me, I covered this ground last night and earlier this morning to see if there was anything else we needed for school.] No time to complain, the clock is ticking. Riley wants to bring a stuffed dog, I say "GO GET IT," in a loud but pleasant voice. She can't find it. Mallory starts hocking as if there is a massive amount of phlegm in her throat, and this is one of her new fun noises. But it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out.
7:50 Riley can't find said dog, and luckily since my house is not picked up, there is a bag of sea shells (from the summer??) in the white box on the counter that is meant for keys and lo and behold, this is a taker for Kindergarten show and tell.
7:52am More hocking from Mallory - (Is this a nervous tic in response to anxiety in the house?)
7:53am In car, buckled backing up. Woo Hoo!!!! One daughter to school, and one to go.
8:00am Kelly arrives 30 minutes early to clean and I'm not ready...
8:55 While backing out of the garage, our retired neighbor scared the crap out of me but wanted to show the girls the possum he had caught overnight. I then gave up on the possibility of getting to school on time. It was worth it though when I asked Mallory what she thought of the disgusting looking possum and she said, "It's pretty, I like the pink tail."
9:00am Not at school, but I'm smiling at priceless comment on grungy varmint from a 3 year olds perspective.

Happiness...

I promise I will begin to be less verbose as time goes by, I have so many ideas, topics swirling though my head right now and I've decided this is where I need to let them all out. At this moment I'm thinking about happiness. I use to think of myself as a "happy" person. And what I'm thinking about now is what does happy mean anyway?

I rolled through life and generally had a smile on my face, a sunny disposition and I never even had PMS!!! And then the "big stuff" hit the fan. The big stuff did not come until my thirties. In my twenties, I had relationships end that were devastating at the time, jobs that were not a good fit, bosses that were incredibly difficult and the like. Normal flow of life and easy rebounds. After I married, I moved way up north and experienced some mild depression in that I couldn't find a job in my field and my husband worked literally all the time and I was slow to make friends. Then we moved back to my hometown and tried to start a family. That didn't go well at all. It was the first time in my life when I tried to do something and couldn't achieve it. It was totally out of my hands and out of my control. I wasn't mad at God, but prayed for whatever was his will yet I desperately wanted to be a parent. I believed my whole life that I was going to be a mother one day.

During this 2 year period of trying to attain pregnancy, I cried all the time. Basically there wasn't a day that went by that there weren't tears. I was on a constant roller coaster of emotions related to hormones, blood tests, ultrasounds, failed attempts and the wonder of how will my dreams of becoming a mother come about. I did acheive pregnancy and finally became a first time mother. Then the most difficult phase of my life began. It was a slow descent into a major depressive episode that is also called postpartum depression. I have recovered from the depression but haven't gotten over the experience and my child is six years old. I am still coming to terms with what happened to me. As I said before I had never even had PMS before. I didn't even know what a mood swing was and then I had the motherload of all mood swings. It was the darkest, deepest, most isolated pit that lacked hope of any kind. And now I understand that hope is a very powerful emotion. I never want to go back there again. There are things that I do to this day to try to avoid going back to a depression, such as always going to bed and getting my sleep. I felt so alone, so isolated and there was a time where surviving an hour seemed like an eternity. There are worse places, situations to be in, but for me this was a major event that has left scars.

After having children, I now have PMS some months. This has scared the crap out of me because it feels like the mood swings will take over my personality again. I have to stop and realize that it is just a part of the cycle. It will pass. My social worker told me that I may have post traumatic stress from my Post Partum Depression. My husband rolls his eyes at that one but that's okay. Just realizing this makes it better.

So it seems that for several years, I was not happy. I was the opposite of "happy." Lately, I've been in a book study with my pastor and the book is, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. It is a very deep difficult read but extremely enlightening if you are open to it and the message that I have gotten out of it is, live each moment to the fullest. Enjoy the present moment. I have kids and this can go both ways, I choose to laugh at the three or six year old that is driving me bonkers and then loving those profound moments of their take on life.

Carnie Wilson was on Oprah's Monday show and spoke about happiness. And I so identified with what she said which was something like as soon as you say you're happy, then sadness was going to come right around the bend. And I add it will slap you up side the face. After I came out of the postpartum depression, and a couple of year later managed to have another baby (on our own) and no postpartum depression, then I had some family of origin issues rear their ugly head which again threw me for a big loop. I feel that there will always be difficult situations right around the bend, but what I'm learning is to embrace the positive within those negative situations. Embrace the small positives that are meaningful to me, the sun coming up, the flowers, my children, my husband, my friends, the sunrise, good food, a roof over my head, etc.,etc. Focusing on the positive and mourning the things that have caused pain and letting them go. Am I happy? I choose to ignore that question and say, I'm embracing the moments of joy and working towards having more of those however I can do that.