A Little Something to Dream On

 Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter.  Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful.  My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing.  There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!)  I immediately knew who it was from. 

It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike.  I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so.  It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family.  Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans.  She loved the arts and to laugh.  Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.  

She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.  

I would have been interested in her take on religion as well. 

The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.  

Something to dream on.  

Provence.   Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip. 

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! 

Am I going to Provence? 

We have a European school trip planned for June including France.  Are we going there?!!!  

I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!

I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to.  And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again.  My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary.  A trip I will never forgot.  When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.  

I find the papers. 

WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE! 

How thrilling!  This is a huge God wink and I take it in.  Thirty three years later,  and a present from the past comes alive again.  A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream. 

How many dreams do I have now?  It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind.  This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself.  At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.   

Also, dreams don't have to be grand.  They can be quietly purposeful.

Namaste

Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans.  I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.

This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad.  The date is sometime in the late seventies? 

My Pledge to Write Again

I have not been writing blogs as much in the last few years and that is disappointing.   I hear many people say that they write to process life and I concur.  I didn't know that when I started writing here fourteen years ago but it is necessary for me.  It's not that I don't have content because the last year, and those preceding,  I processed much but I just wasn't writing about it. 

Unused creativity is not benign as Brene Brown is quoted.  In just looking up that quote, I realize that I have been feeling all of that: grief, rage, judgment, sorrow and shame.  

I have to figure out how to sit down and write again. And allow the words to flow through.  And let go of the judgment.  

Sometimes ideas have to percolate. Sometimes the material is really personal and it's hard to share out loud.   For some reason, I want to share in a public forum but this is ripe with drawbacks.  Who will read it and will there be a negative reaction? I have experienced those.  I have been waiting to be criticized my whole life.  What I have found is that by the time it makes it to this forum, I have deliberated on it long enough and it flows out.  There is divinity in that flow and there is a joy and truth that occurs along with it. 

I have also found positive remarks from persons who I did not expect to hear from and the only way this occurs is to share publicly.  You never know who it will connect with.  My writing is not meant for everyone of course, but I need it. 

These are unused pictures in the hallway leading up to our primary bedroom.  I have decided I no longer want them in the places they use to hang.  A friend looked at some of them hanging in our dining room and commented about the color of the picture frames and she was 100 percent correct.  I needed another pair of eyes to awaken my senses.  I then looked around at everything hanging on the walls and knew I needed to shake things up and I did and then I got tired and maybe the holidays kicked in...

I have to decide what to do with these last items.  Some are treasured and some I use to treasure.   This process started late October and as of January 9th, today, they are still sitting in the hallway.  God bless my patient husband. 

Processing takes time, whether is processing the events of life or choosing which pictures to hang.   Letting go of the past and being in the present. I know the desire to get this cleaned up will come. Sometimes you just have to Wait for it. 

It's Quiet In The House

 We lost 2 beloved pets within two weeks.  A rescue kitty whom had graced us with her presence for fourteen years and whom my younger daughter had come to adore in the last two years.   Eleven days later, we had to put our rescue Beagle of ten years down. 

The ends of their lives were not pretty.  For months I wanted to write about aging pets but never did. The way they were slowing down bit by bit and the circle of life.  It is hard to make the decisions when the time come.  This was my third cat and first dog.  Making the decision on the second cat five years ago was brutal, it brought up past grief as all loss does. I can picture the scene exactly and how emotionally draining it was to have to choose to snuff this life out.  My veterinarian was fabulous and took time to go through the whole process and talk quality of life.  He was kind, gentle and informative.  I talked to a lifelong friend who also worked with animals.  And then I had to do the deed. 

This time with more experience, decisions came more easily but still wrought with emotion.  Princess had stopped eating as her kidneys were shutting down and she had lost nearly half of her body weight.  Annie's cough had increased in frequency and duration.  It was a death knell and excruciating to hear.

My younger daughter came with me to the vet's office both times for the euthanizations. My husband had Covid the second time for our beagle and couldn't come.  We stayed for the sedation shot in the same room both times and it was a peaceful process with Princess.  Annie, as she relaxed began the horrible loud breathing noise that had recently begun as her lungs were congested with fluid.  Annie helped me to know, this too was the right time for her.

In the vets room, we cried and we told them our goodbyes.  I verbalized how much they meant to me, and laughed about the funny stuff.  Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion via Dolly Parton through Truvy in Steel Magnolias. 

I did know that it was time to let them both go. 

This is the first loss that my youngest daughter remembers and she is grieving.  We Facetimed with our college daughter to keep her in the loop as we made decisions.  She was able to say goodbye through video.  The family cohesiveness was reassuring.

A new normal has begun.  The house is especially quiet.  No more coughing, loud breathing, throwing up or pooping in the wrong places. No more running to make sure Annie goes outside as soon as she gets out the bed and staying on top of when she needed to go out again. We are putting away the many sets of stairs we had for Annie to access our couches as well as the food bowl and leash.  We are all adjusting. Brinkley, the mixed breed dog is adjusting.  He is a very emotional dog and loves George and as he was home with Covid, I think it helped Brinkley adjust to being the solo dog for the first few days. 

On Friday, when George went back to work, I walked without Annie for the first time in ten years.   I used to dread the walks when we first got her but over time, I love getting out.  I interact with neighbors and strangers. On so many occasions, neighbors or passerbys would comment because my arms were always stretched in the opposite directions, Brinkley, the swift one in front, and Annie, the elder lagging behind. At first she lagged behind for the sniffing, but then it was about age and lung capacity.  People would comment about how white her fur was and how old Annie looked.  (I felt those comments)  In the last weeks, we had to walk Annie shorter and shorter distances.  But this time, Brinkley and I could walk briskly.  Now there is only one treat to give out. I had to use treats a lot with Annie.  I had to touch her with her diminished hearing and wake her up and coax her to go outside and relieve herself, otherwise it would end up on my carpet.  She would look at me blankly like I was a crazy, and then she began moving, oh so very slowly.  I understood her slowness.  

Last weekend, before Annie moved on the great mystery, we made an abrupt decision and adopted another cat, nine days after putting Princess down. Of course, it was too soon but my rationalizations could not hold up against the wistful faces and desires of the other two humans that day.   It was too soon for Mallory, because she still misses Princess dreadfully.  I beat myself up over going through with it, but am letting it go.  The new kitty is all over Mallory and staying in her part of the house.  This is for new cat to adjust as well as make friends with Brinkley, who is very eager to make her acquaintance. She is beautiful, skittish, and slowly adventuring out.  New sightings are are so much fun. 

I am waiting patiently as Elizabeth lets me in to bond which Mallory very much wants to occur.  And yes, we are naming her Elizabeth... after Bennett of Pride and Prejudice and of course, the late Queenie, with many nicknames available. 

Mallory had told me that Elizabeth likes to visit her when she sits on the toilet (and when she is sleeping and studying).  So when Mallory is not here,  I use that toilet.  And bam, out comes Lizzie rubbing up against my legs. I am generally able to get a nice visit in by gentling swooping her up and petting her very generously. 

It was too soon to adopt her but I can see that this sweet blip of a presence is giving me life.  I am attuning to a flash of white and griege in my eyeline.   She is different from Princess and I am embracing that.  I am letting her be.  I cannot force myself on her.  I have to let her be who she is. 

I am affirming that for myself as well. 

I am letting go of some old ideas and embracing the new.  There are thought patterns I have to let go of that only cause me pain and the only way through is to feel them. Last night, I simply adored crying and petting Elizabeth all at the same time.  I was grieving the old and embracing the new and she didn't seem to mind at all. 

Pets are incredible. 

RIP Princess & Annie. We loved most every minute we had with you, minus the excrement in the wrong places.  You brought us joy, laughter and companionship for so many years. ❤️❤️

Namaste.  

Defining Love

Saturday night, I came across the post of Anderson Cooper announcing the birth of his second son, Sebastian.  I played the video of him explaining how he and his former partner and now best friend were parenting both sons and the children's surnames would both be Maisani-Cooper.  They are a family. He described how he felt the presence of his deceased mother, father and brother while raising toddler Wyatt Cooper with Ben.  He then read a quote from his father, Wyatt Cooper which made me weep.  

All of it made me weep. 

(Thank you to the man on Twitter who painstakingly captured the words on video in written form.) 

Here are Wyatt Cooper's amazingly loving and accurate words. 

"Life itself is brief. And yet each life encloses all eternity.  We are, all of us separately and together engaged on the same tough journey. Each of us taste its joys and sorrows.  Each of us gets by as best as we can. And we must whenever possible reach out to each other tentatively to touch with our hands, with our eyes, and with our hearts. We must wish for each other love and laughter, good thoughts and happy days.  We must go rejoicing in the blessings of this world. Chief of which is the mystery, the majesty, the magic that is life."

For some reason, ever since Anderson Cooper started writing and documenting his and his mother's life and their relationship journey, I was mesmerized.  First in the book, "The Rainbow Comes and Goes" and then in a documentary, "Nothing Left Unsaid."  Anderson has been through tremendous loss, and examined it and come through it looking for light and love. Gloria Vanderbilt led an astounding life trying to fill in the gaps for missing loved ones.  A dad that died when she was one and a mother who was not able to connect with her.   She and Anderson shared their grief over losing his dad, Wyatt, all too soon and then ten years later, his brother, Carter. They shared how their relationship worked and didn't work.  I love a family who speaks their truth and tries to work things out together.  Relationships are messy and there has to be open, honest and mature communication.  If you don't have that, it's really hard to make it work for both parties. 

I celebrate Anderson and his best friend choosing to raise a family together and it really resonates deeply for me.  Family can be who you make it to be.  It can be those who reach out and touch our hands, eyes and hearts.  I have tried to connect on a deeper level with family and it just hasn't worked.  It's devastating to come to that conclusion yet I have learned that God ( the Divine One, the Trinity, the Christ Consciousness or Universe) will bring people and situations into my life that will fill my longing for attachment and connection in a loving and kind way.  It will not look like what I expected but if I can let go, forgive and move on, my heart will be touched by love when I least expect it. 

Today, on Valentine's Day, a manufactured day with confusing origins, I will still celebrate LOVE. 

The kind of love that listens to my deepest concerns and I listen to theirs.  A love that is kind, responsive, mature and patient.  It's not perfect but it shows up.  That's my version of First Corinthians 13.  A veil is lifted and I only understand in part, but the part, the mystery that I see is so generous and overwhelming, I can't do anything but figure out how to lean into it again and again. 

I am so very thankful for the loves in my life.  The unit that I created: my husband and daughters,  friends who are soul sisters, family, and others who cross my path in all kinds of ways.  And of course,  the four legged sweethearts cannot be left out! 

Transitions

There have been two monumental days this year in our household.  Our first born started college six hours away in August and our youngest received her full driver's license in September.

I really had to talk this one out with my best friend to process.  I have entered a transition as a mother.  It is a slow and subtle shift over the years.  For the first time, I am no longer driving a daughter to school in the morning or picking up in the afternoon.  That job lasted fifteen years for this school.  And all of a sudden,  it's no longer needed.  It wasn't really all of a sudden, she had been driving with a permit for nearly a year, but that first morning when she went on her own, it felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

Just hold on, I have learned and that energy will pass.  It may feel so brutal but that energy will pass.  Don't resist. 

Who am I? No more carpool?!!  And yet I had to drag myself hundreds of times, especially in the afternoons to sit and wait in a line and now, it is no more. 

I am beginning to grow accustomed though. I don't have to get dressed so early in the mornings, except I have to walk the dogs.  My alarm doesn't necessarily have to go off early, as youngest and I are doing a dance as she learns to wake herself up on her own. 

In the big picture, it is time that these young ladies leave the nest and become independent. It is a bittersweet transition though.  I have been very intentional all these years knowing that was my job for them to be on their own and something I had to learn how to do as I never felt independent at all myself. 

It is time that I can stretch my wings too. I have many passions.  It's a learning curve for all of us. 

It can be jarring at times.  Last night, youngest was asking me if she could drive here to do this, and there to do that with friends.  And a knowing creeped in. I am no longer needed as much.  Our time is lessening. We no longer have time in the car to chat as she practiced driving everywhere.  I need to be intentional of maintaining our communication around so much school, homework, social, and extracurricular activities. 

She's off on her own in a new way now.  

And it is so bittersweet. 

I am super proud of both of my girls but to be brutally honest, there is a little feeling of abandonment that pops us.  I know that is more about my childhood issues that I am addressing head on in therapy, than to do with my daughters who are growing up and evolving as they should.  

Sad energy passes through every now and then.  I had to go to the library to renew my card so that I could continue to borrow books digitally.  I have not been in person much at all.  I sat and read an article in a People magazine, my old favorite.  As I got up to leave after enjoying the quiet, I remembered I use to go to the library or Barnes and Noble when I had a sitter to have some peace when they were little.  It also hit me how much I had brought them to the library over the years to get new books, movies and sign up for the summer reading program.  It broke my heart just a little in that moment that those times were over.

And then it passed and there were more errands to be run.  And life goes on. 

Eldest is adjusting to college slowly as I am (!).  That's another topic.  I am so very proud that she is branching out, putting herself out there much better than I did.  Yet, there is still contact and thank goodness for technology.  

They both still need me in different ways and hopefully always will. 

I cherish my children and our relationships.  We have both grown up together. 

Namaste. 

That Moment of Peace Amongst The Chaos

This summer has been crazy busy.  Preparing for eldest's move to college, house updates involving a contractor, getting a brand new car repaired, getting a new driver ready to go solo, planning a vacation, continuing to survive in a pandemic, etc, etc. 

In this picture of our recent vacation, my eldest and I are at a National Wildlife Art Museum in Jackson, Wyoming at their patio restaurant called Palate.  When Riley found the restaurant and the views online, I wanted to be in that space.  It was calling me. 

I very much desired to take in moments with the wonder of creation all around.  These are stunning views of mountains and as a native Louisianian residing at 40 feet above sea level, this is still fresh and inviting to me!  I don't want to drive them or hike them (too much) but LOOK at them, oh my.  

Yes, please. 

On a California trip in 2018, I pushed and Riley and I ended up at the Cliff Restaurant in San Francisco on the coast.  We hiked our way across Golden Gate State Park, took a bus and another hike to get there.  I pushed against my instincts to stay small, go along, stay in the box, and not ask for what I wanted.  We did it,  and there was a wall of windows overlooking the Pacific Ocean and it was magnificent! It was just magical.  That scene called to me, I listened and I and I LOVED every bit of it including my feet screaming.  

Family vacation.  It's a newish concept for me.  Growing up, my family of origin were not able to take many vacations and neither did my husband's family.   When I met my husband that is when I really began to travel.  First of all, his parents lived in Massachusetts, a distant and foreign land and it went from there.

The family that he and I have created, our core four, have been able to travel and the girls have been so many places. Sometimes, we take them places they don't want to go. 

"Go West Young Man" was what I dubbed our eleven day driving trip in 2015 to New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah including stops at the Grand Canyon, Lake Powell and Zion National Park.  I learned a lot about my family on that trip.  George adamantly wants to stop at every stop in the twenty six mile Painted Desert.  At Disney, he wants to go from early in the am to late at night for six days straight.  The rest of the family, not so much. This creates chaos and that IS just a part of family vacations. 

How do you compromise? 

During the Go West Young Man trip of 2015, we ventured to The Narrows in Zion National Park, a gorge with 1000 foot walls and the Virgin River flowing through spaces as small as twenty to thirty feet wide. It was 100 degrees but our feet were hiking in very cold water.  I was enthralled.  It was a both/and moment. There were a lot of people, and Riley did not like it, at all and Mallory loved it.  George wanted to continue and he wanted the family to stay together.  

This was not a pretty picture and it was chaos. 

Not quite chaos but extremely uncomfortable.  As much as Riley did not want to go on, George did. 

I believe, that is one of the moments that George and I learned, dividing and conquering is a good thing.  A very good thing. Yet, it is hard to go against natural instincts. George wants the whole family to be together.  I want peace. Riley nor Mallory do not like crowds. Mallory is more adventurous. Riley and I love learning history. 

On this most recent trip, we learned neither daughter very much wanted to go to Yellowstone or the Grand Tetons.  I mistakenly had mentioned more tropical locations, before I decided I did not want to tangle with quarantining or hurricanes. This led to a stand down.  The compromise, was to add ropes course, zip lining and whitewater rafting for Mallory with George and off days and an art museum for Riley and I. 

But even those plans don't necessarily go smoothly.  Our museum morning required pickup of George and Mallory after their whitewater rafting at noon yet  I also really wanted to sit at that restaurant in the art Museum mentioned earlier. 

The Palate Restaurant at the Art museum called, but then so did Mallory saying they needed to be picked up early.  Riley and I had just sat down, to have an appetizer and then we were going to pick them up.  With the new information, I had to find the waitress, and tell her to make it to go.  

Riley was not pleased that plans changed once again.  I had changed plans a few times on my "structure" girl. She likes to make plans and stick to them.  I am a more a fly by my seat of my pants girl, on occasion.

I had about ten minutes to enjoy that view while someone was shooting me daggers with their eyes.   I took the majesty of the situation in and I remembering breathing deeply to ground me.  I ignored the daggers and I took in the magic.  This I have learned, is a skill that I am honing.  I can take in beautiful moments of tranquility while amongst chaos. 

This is the both/and of life. 

It is that much sweeter because it is so hard to come by. 

Namaste. 

Changes Are A Coming

My firstborn graduated from high school in May.  This is something both very exciting and exquisitely bittersweet all at once.  Our bird is flying the nest.  It's such a cliche but it's my cliche now, up close and personal.   I have worked really, really hard to make it the best nest possible.  I made an intention very early on in regards to my offspring to be emotionally present for them.  I didn't even know what that meant, I just knew I needed to be emotionally connected.  I ended up looking at patterns in my life and worked to change the ones that weren't helpful.  I wanted my girls to know, I was on their side, and had their back and they could talk to me.  Every human being longs to have connection with someone who sees them and hears them...just as they are even if they are not on the same page. 

What I didn't expect was along the way, I would learn how to care for my own self. 

I am learning how to do be present for myself, to listen to the divine intuition that is a magnificent guide for how to proceed.  It can be just a small flicker of a thought that registers for but a second, and I have learned over time...LISTEN TO IT.  Lean into it. 

In my head, I very much want my eldest daughter to gain her independence as she moves six hours away but for my heart, this departure has been unfathomable for years.   Watching a movie or tv scene of the drop off at college has ripped me to pieces. 

So now it's our turn. 

From the very beginning, to bring Riley into the world, we struggled.  It was a two year journey which included horrendous fertility treatments.   We finally succeeded, and then we brought our bundle of joy home and I went off the deep end.  My postpartum depression was not only unbearable sadness but relentless anxiety.  Anxiousness permeated every thought and decision and it was never ending.  It was a very rough few months and the pictures where I smiled betrayed what was really going on.  There are moments of time that are hardened in my mind as the worst of my life and it was during this period.  

I eventually sought help and began coming out of it.  (I didn't know how to clearly communicate and ask for help) The first night of taking an anti-depressant was one of those.  I didn't sleep at all (which was already a problem) and for hours truly thought that I was going to have to be hospitalized and the baby was going to be taken away. 

The pervasive loneliness, isolation and feelings of losing my mind slowly lessened but it has stayed with me.  When I think of that time, the pain is easily brought to the surface. 

As a baby, Riley was my constant and the learning of unconditional love.  It was the two of us twenty four hours a day, seven days a week with George popping in every now and then.   I was her meal ticket and it seemed to never end.  She looked to me for everything and I wanted to learn how to do "that."  In the beginning I faked smiled and singsonged through it.  And over the years through much hard work,  the fake smile became genuine.  With therapy, I began learning who I was, how to be in the moment, and how to feel everything that came my way.  I learned that feelings are not who I am, and they are energy that will flow if you allow them.  

The letting the energy flow has been one of the hardest skills to learn. 

In this past year, I'm learning with some very intense therapy to be caring and nurturing towards all my deeply seeded parts of pain and anxiety.   I am going back and addressing times of trauma that are imprinted in my soul.  Trauma doesn't have to be a horrific one time event.  It is something that gets trapped in your psyche because you did not know how to handle the situation at hand.  And each person handles the same life situations differently.   In therapy, long forgotten scenes pop in my mind that made a lasting impression.  These times are the foundation for my emotional muscle memory.  This is what I act out of every day.   "The Body Keeps The Score" book by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has been one of my sources to understand how deeply embedded events in our lives end up affecting us for life. 

Some of those moments I can still picture in my head from our old house are when Riley was a baby and I felt utterly helpless, alone and teetering on the brink.  Over and over and over again, I didn't think I was going to survive.  Through my therapist, I am processing these times with all the skills that I have now.  It is a reconciling that I never knew I needed but has been so powerful.  Slowly these feelings don't terrify me as they did in the past. 

But now...my eldest is venturing off.  The child inside of me feels like she will be overwhelmed and decimated by this loss, if I label it a loss.   I am grieving her evolving to a new stage of life and I know I am not alone.  She will still need me, but it is in a new and different way than the last eighteen years.  She will not be in our home.  She will not be in my physical presence everyday and her room will be empty.  

{Time out for crying.}  

 The pain energy will move through, the crying jags will recede. Life will change and we will adjust.  At times, this summer, as we don't see things eye to eye, I have moments where I think, oh my gosh, yes, it's time and then I quickly move back to, I am going to miss her like the dickens. 

On her end, my eldest is both excited and scared as well. Coming out of the crazy pandemic which rocked
her last two years of high school and Italy trip (!) this structure loving girl is ready to establish a new routine in her new place.  She is discombobulated once again and has lots to do to get ready to move on.  She needs my help.  It turns my stomach sometimes as I engage in college virtual seminars and then I talk to the scared part and it passes.  I am working to be present for her as much as possible while tending to my own needs.  It's not pretty at all and it's not photogenic. 

Yet, this is THE new learning curve.   Both/and.  Both being present for her AND myself. 

We can do hard things.  We have done hard things and we can do them again. 

We will both survive, and thrive and there may be dips and valleys along the way, but that is life. 

Namaste.