Languishing

Languishing: 1) to be or become feeble, weak, or enervated

2) to be or live in a state of depression or decreasing vitality

3) to suffer neglect, to assume an expression of grief or emotion appealing for sympathy

The word came to my mind as a way to describe to myself was is going on. My mother in law is still dying. I never thought the process would last this long. I realize that the two year prognosis was more accurate, than the two months that we thought originally. Perhaps that is an issue with control...or just her process. It looked one way and then slowly took a different turn and now it just goes on. I have heard that this is the case with some loved ones.

I go through all kinds of emotions, at first, I get mad at her, and want her to just let go and I feel my selfishness. Then I see her in person and see how she suffers. I know that all of these feelings are normal. I've ordered a book about coping tools for the dying process. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to read it because I'm tired of living it but it could be helpful. I didn't want to call the hospice social worker and I did and it really was a game changer for me in how I dealt with the situation.

I judge myself for what I do or do not do sometimes. I want to be there for her but now it has become so difficult. She is not the person she use to be. She is in pain, confused, so emaciatingly thin. She talks less and less, and there is less expression on her face. She can't answer the phone anymore, dialing has been long gone, and she is sleeping a lot. She falls asleep very easily in the midst of our presence. Evidently that is what the body does. It takes more and more energy for the body to do the smallest of functions.

I feel that I have so much to do with my own household, my own health issues, and my active children. I have to take care of the living and tend to the dying. It is an awesome responsibility. I think I will leave it here, confused, sad, angry, despairing because that is how I feel. There are no answers except that I have to do it my way. Again, there is no bow to put on it and that is okay. That is where I am.