I always thought that everyone was horrified by Nazi Germany. Slowly, oh so slowly, it's beginning to dawn on me that just might not be true. Or maybe some US citizens just don't connect the dots between what Trump and the current Republican party are doing and compare to what happened then. A lot of people are working hard trying to keep a roof over their head and food on the table and have a lot of fear of the other. We live in our own algorithims and sources of information that skew the "facts." Yet, we are in scary times. I recognize I have my own fears.
Did you know that the Nazis came and studied our Jim Crow laws in the mid 1930's while instituting the Third Reich? I learned this while reading "Caste: The Origins of Our Discontent" by Isabel Wilkerson. She describes three caste systems which include India, Germany and the United States.
I was stunned.
I'm still stunned and trying to unlearn what I thought was true about our country.
I had some learning to do.
What exactly were the Jim Crow laws? The following is from the website of the Jim Crow museum in Big Rapids, MI.
Jim Crow was a racial system which operated between 1877 to the mid-1960's. It was a way of life through a series of rigid anti-black laws which legitimized anti-black racism. African Americans were second class citizens. Here's the kicker that I had a hard time stomaching. "Many Christian ministers and theologians taught that white people were the Chosen people, black people were cursed to be servants, and God supported racial segregation." All major societal institutions reflected and supported the oppression of black people.
Many learn the words Jim Crow in history class for a nanosecond, maybe? If the right is able to continue to have their way, that little blurb will not be in textbooks, if it is not already gone. But dive into it and understand the implications on today's situation. ICE is gathering up people based on their looks and throwing them into concentration camps. There is no due process.
Around the time of the pandemic, I began reading social justice, anti-racism books with a church group. I was really naive, and stunned again to learn how the church was instrumental in this systemic racism.
It makes it easier to understand that many good Christians are indoctrinated and cannot fathom that the land of the free, home of the brave has not fully embraced all of it's citizens. The Civil War did not end the persecution of blacks, as our government and it's people moved to different and really effective methods of keeping blacks "in their place."
Currently, the similarities between Trumpism and Nazism are numerous and on clear display everyday:
Rhetoric and Scapegoating
"Enemy of the People" Framing
Use of Populism: he is the sole savior of a nation in decline
Executive Power and Loyalty
Retaliation Threats to those who disagree
Admiration for Authority
I really, really try to see both sides of the current divide. I read books and read FB posts thoroughly. I occasionally get caught up but I try to understand. I wonder how often Trump supporters try to understand why my "side" believes what we do.
It truly seems unsurmountable right now. The onslaught of Trump's actions are so fluid and neverending and designed to overwhelm with so many distractions. The lack of Congressional response to reigning in his actions as we are a three branch system exactly for this reason, is reprehensible. Checks and balances are the heart of our democratic republic and why we moved from England and it's king. It is disheartening to say the least. Greenland is a distraction from rising healthcare costs and the inability to bring food prices down. With midterms coming up, Trump floats not having an election. What?!! His degradation of our solid electoral system only occurs if he thinks he's going to lose but if he wins, all notions of a rigged system vanish immediately. Let's not forget, he tried to overturn a fair and legitimate election and then released the insurrectionists.
In times like these, I have to turn to historians like Jon Meacham. From his book, "The Soul of America:
The Battle for Our Better Angels" Jon argues that despite intense historical divisions, America's "better angels" (compassion, unity, shared principles) have often triumphed. We have to turn away from hyper-partisanship and fear and use lessons from Lincoln and continuing all the way up to the Civil Rights era. We have to appeal to our best instincts not our worst.
We cannot give up. We have to speak up. Even if it's uncomfortable. There are ways to speak up and not agitate. No ones mind is changed by arguing. It is by listening to other's stories.
I really hope our democratic republic is able to survive. Our norms are being massacred daily. I'm hoping for better angels. That is all I can do, and call my representatives, and say out loud that what is happening now is atrocious. We have to speak up in whatever way we can.
My eldest daughter has adopted four successive beta fish in the last years when she was at college. They kept her company and she enjoyed seeing them as she worked at her desk. (I remember that I started with gold fish my freshman year in college and worked up to a cat by graduate school.) This last fish who resided on our kitchen counter did me in emotionally as Riley has been home since her graduation. Towards the weekend, he stopped eating and laid on the bottom and seemed to be actively dying. Even now my stomach tenses.
Every death, even of a beta fish, is a microcosm of other grief and death.
She named them after royalty of course - starting with Louis I. We realized during Louis III, that traveling from Birmingham to Baton Rouge for school breaks in a venti Starbucks cup might not be good on their system so we made changes. Due to my husband's efforts, one of them ended up with a heater for their tank and we stopped turning the light on because the tank turned green due to too much light. We joked about the now grand summer house here in BR.
Beautiful little blue Louis started looking peaked several days ago. And then he stopped swimming and lay on the bottom. One day rolled into two and he just kept breathing. The other betas expired more quickly from what I remember and/or they were in Birmingham. And a few short years ago I had my own Beta that lived for several years.
The doctor, my husband, announced he was deceased on the first day. But when I looked I still saw movement. He didn't actually pass until three days later. Doctors!
For three days, I had to stop and stare for a good amount of time and see that his little gills were still moving. Louis IV wasn't giving up without a fight. At several points in time, Riley and I talked to him and told him it was okay, he could let go.
I then had a divine idea, and I pulled out the remains of our other pets. Pookie (OG cat), Princess and Morgan (sister cats) and Annie (our first dog) I surrounded the aquarium with their little wooden boxes. As Riley pointed out, these were his aunts and uncles. I wanted Louis IV to know our past beloveds were welcoming him into the great unknown.
I don't know if it brought Louis IV comfort, but it really brought me comfort to surround him. Daughter #2 thought it was a little off, I thought it was a beautiful gesture. There was also talk of a Viking burial at sea...
Every time I checked on him, I had these small waves of grief. They didn't last long but they brought tears to my eyes. I haven't been crying lately at all after a long period of lots of grief. As I said, all present grief brings up past grief. Most of my grief is around abandonment. I didn't want to abandon Louis. That is why surrounding him with our previous loved ones brought me such peace. I couldn't stay with him as his breathing slowed. I thought it was brutiful. He was a tiny little living thing but he was alive.
One really had to stare and not blink for a while because the movement was so faint as time went on but he was still alive. He moved twice during this time. The last time, he was partially inside his castle which we thought was a sign, and on the third night, his gills finally stopped moving.
It was time, he had passed.
We waited until the next morning to say goodbye. Riley caught him in a net and the four of us gathered around her bathroom toilet and she plopped him in. The three others said a quick word and then I started my message. The really neat thing these last years, is learning how to express myself. Ha ha. Riley wasn't up for it (!) and flushed the toilet before I finished.
Oh well.
The deed was done. But I know Louis knew I cared for him and I wished peace on his little soul. He knew.
I wrote a Facebook post a while ago about the fact that I don't recognize the Republican party who is taking away healthcare and food from the poor so that billionaires can have more money and to gather up more brown people and put in concentration camps for profit. A commenter from my hometown stated that there were no votes to cut healthcare or feed the poor. This is completely untrue and they pivoted away from that truth and went to abortion again and again. A couple of my friends who disagreed with him joined in and off it went for several hours.
It took me time to see that the responder changed the subject, because he had to validate his vote for Trump. He stated he can't vote for a party that supports abortion because he is pro-life. His dogged determination to support fetus cells outweighs everything that can happen to humans outside the womb. It outweighs every criminal and immoral act of Trump and that was enlightening. He changed the subject when his points were no longer valid.
And we let him change the subject.
This is me reflecting that I have to learn to voice myself in the moment, but I need practice. And I needed to recognize what was happening. I freeze during confrontation, and that is why I take the time to write. I need to stay on the subject. Writing helps me get my bearings, stay open and even keeled.
The Facebook encounter was enlightening because there was one issue that this person was basing his vote on. For years, myself and many many others can't wrap our heads around the continued support of Trump. The Republican party has been hijacked and they have let it happen but the reality is this is who the party is. This is who the party is. There were many times Congress could have stood up and taken power away from this horrendous individual, but they caved to the despot over and over and over again. It was heartening though that this person on FB doesn't agree with everything that Trump is doing. A small amount of heartening but I took it.
Even now, I just got diverted from the topic I intended but it is worth sharing. I just looked up the Moral Majority because of the abortion discussion. Did you know that prior to the Moral Majority movement in the 70's and 80's that the Southern Baptist Convention was in favor of opening up access to abortion in many cases throughout the 70's and after Roe v. Wade? Look it up! Abortion is a very complicated moral matter and many religious leaders reflected that in their stance on the issue at the time. Even James Dobson, in 1973 said the Bible was silent on abortion and that an evangelical could believe that “a developing embryo or fetus was not regarded as a full human being.” The Moral Majority movement used abortion to be the issue to get people to vote Republican because the real issue at hand wasn't as popular to voters. The motive behind the anti-abortion movement was so that whites-only segregationist academies, many church sponsored (Bob Jones University & Jerry Falwell's included) could keep their IRS tax-exempt status. So racism was the underlying reason. This is why the Trump party wants to ban books about race. These are the types of things one learns when they read history.
Now back to what I should have said in the post.
I don't vote for a party who supports the person who tried to overthrow our government to stop the formal process of certifying a free and fair election by planning and starting a riot. I don't vote for the party that lets that insurrection play out for hours without calling in reinforcements and lets police die. I don't vote for the party who asks Georgia's top election official to "find 11,780 votes" and then terrorizes the election workers and lies about an election being stolen. I don't vote for the party who supports the person who grabs women by the pussy, and is convicted of sexual assault. I don't vote for the party of the person who willfully retains national defense information in their bathroom, which falls under the Espionage Act. I don't vote for the party of the person who lied over 30,000 times his first administration. (We knew he was lying about Project 2025 too.) I don't vote for the party who supports the convicted felon due to breaking campaign finance laws. I don't vote for a party who supports the person who steals from charities and lies on their taxes. I don't vote for the party of the person who runs a fraudulent university and has a 25 million guilty verdict. I don't vote for party of the person (& his family) who profits off the office immeasurably. I don't vote for a party of the person who golfs every weekend and we pay millions to his businesses. I don't vote for the party who supports the person who brags about watching underage teenage beauty contestants change clothes because the owns the pageant.
This list can go on and on. That was my highlight real.
I don't want to fight on Facebook, it does no good and my nervous system then interferes with my sleep. But as our country is in the throws of fascism I have to say something.
For those who can't see it:
Key characteristics of fascism:
Authoritarianism: Fascism concentrates power in a single leader or party, suppressing dissent and individual freedoms. (Republican Congress persons have to bow to Trump's every whim or he goes against them and they lose their job)
Ultranationalism: Fascism promotes an intense form of nationalism, often emphasizing racial or cultural purity and superiority. (wrapping themselves in flags, he vilifies all non-white immigrants and people, those "shithole countries" cancelling DEI)
Militarism: Fascist regimes often glorify military power and conquest, using it to enforce their ideology and expand their influence. (military parade, use of unidentified ICE agents to round up brown individuals, describes military who get caught or come back wounded as losers)
Suppression of Opposition: Fascism actively suppresses or eliminates political rivals, critics, and minority groups. (attacks on Obama, Clinton, Biden now trying to use HIS justice system to do so)
State Control: Fascism seeks to control various aspects of society, including the economy, media, and education, to promote its goals. (Starts tariff wars because he can, suing media networks, excluding history of non-whites and slavery from classroom education, book bans.
Rejection of Liberalism and Democracy: Fascism opposes the principles of individual rights, freedom of speech, and democratic governance. (Wants to break up peaceful protests by force which are a first amendment right)
The facisim is playing out every day and getting stronger.
Another reason why I couldn't vote for the Trump party. One huge mode of operation of his is narcissism. He continuously hates on anyone who disagrees with him. He is so emotionally fragile he cannot handle having opposition. He hates Democrats or anyone who disagrees with him and wants them in jail and expresses that often. This bully tactic enthralls certain sects of his supporters and worsens the divide in the country. He has never once tried to be my President. His message is divisive, bullying and childish. Every President before him has tried to unify the country even around huge disagreement. All of them wanted to be the president for the whole country even though they disagree on policy.
His authoritarianism, crimes, racism, narcissism, moral deprivation, character flaws and policies are why I could not vote for him or his party.
Even though I don't like conflict, the Facebook conversation was illuminating. The Facebook commenter is not a terrible person at all. We wholeheartedly disagree on basic fundamental issues yet I was able to get a glimpse of understanding the "why" of Trump votes. A small glimpse and that is enough for now.
Ernest Hemingway once said: "In our darkest moments, we don’t need solutions or advice. What we yearn for is simply human connection—a quiet presence, a gentle touch. These small gestures are the anchors that hold us steady when life feels like too much."
Ernest Hemingway may or may not have said that. Everything on Facebook is not true! I tried to investigate but I couldn't tell if it was accurate. So it might be true. What I did want to say is that the wisdom in the sentiment is very true.
We were recently on a week long vacation in Rhode Island. I plan the itinerary (with many reminders from eldest) and on an annual basis, I forget to schedule in downtime. After several full days of going, I hit a wall of exhaustion. One morning, I was just so very done. I was beside myself. I tried to communicate to my husband and eldest daughter this overwhelm that I was experiencing and it wasn't landing. I was getting blank stares which are the worst. I will admit that I tend to repeat things to try to desperately get what I'm looking for and that makes it worse.
My younger daughter was still sleeping while I was talking with husband and eldest. When she and I were alone after she remarked she was tired too, I strategized with her, and said, "I need you on my team."
I need you on my team.
She then remarked she meant she hadn't woken up yet. I sighed. In that moment, I just needed someone to be on my team.
I needed to not feel alone.
We went on with our plans that morning and I repeated before we left the airbnb that I planned for down time in the afternoon. We went on our way, we had lunch and then I was going to get dropped off while they went on to do another activity. They kept talking, and decided to postpone the activity until tomorrow. So everyone came home and had down time (because we all needed it!)
Somewhere along the way, I had an epiphany that I didn't need everyone to feel the same way I did. What I end up doing in an instance like this, is trying to convince others why I was tired, why I needed down time. It felt truly awful, that I was having to rationalize my feelings to others. If I feel it, that is my experience. I knew I needed to approach it in a different way. The epiphany was that what I needed in those moments earlier was a gentle presence of understanding.
I needed a knowing look of compassion. My husband and I have been together for 32 years. He is a problem solver and surgeon who literally cuts out problems in life, so we have tangoed with this for a long time. We are making progress. Several weeks ago, I was upset about something, and he walked over to me, sat down and put his arm around me and said nothing. But he was present with me in that moment and that was what I exactly needed. This simple (!) human connection as Hemingway may or may not have talked about is related to our past trauma. I was having anxiety over not being able to keep going for myself and disappointing my family.
I have been led down a new path of understanding trauma in the body, especially related to the generalized anxiety I have. A few years ago a friend mentioned the book, "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. And suddenly, I began seeing this message everywhere and how the body was the holder of all trauma. The body was the temperature gauge for all things emotional, etc. For years, I stayed in my head and wanted to rationalize everything that was happening to me. I also thought I just need to learn how to relax, to meditate, to freaking calm down! Anxiety would paralyze me and I wanted to get rid of it in any way possible. But slowly with the aid of my wonderful therapist and eventually the use of Internal Family Systems Therapy, I learned that I needed to reparent myself and learn how to be with whatever came up and welcome it. Could this BE any more opposite to what I had been doing for decades? It was daunting work to make friends with everything that came up because there was a LOT pushed down. Little by little I learned to sit with the immense sadness, abandonment, and shame.
I needed to be the gentle presence for myself.
I may have written this same sentiment before but it's taking me a while to grasp to welcome ALL feelings, and not fight them off. It goes against every fiber of my being.
After decades of looking outside myself, and staying in my head looking for answers, I have learned to stop and have a conversation with the younger version of myself. That younger version is guiding me every minute and I have to welcome, befriend and heal her. She is not going away. She is my guide.
She is my guide and I must pay attention and nurture her.
The last day of 2024 is upon us. Wow. This has been a... year. Year is written in a tone of eyes widened and a snarky look. It has been eventful medically as well as moving into a new life stage. In March, I started using a tool in the form of medication to lose weight and I cannot even wrap my head around it, as I have lost weight. My youngest child graduated and went off to college. In September, I discovered that I had hyperparathyroidism which explained why I have felt decades older than I am for the last few months (years?). Also likely why I thought I had ADD. In December, I had surgery to remove the parathyroid adenoma and half my thyroid (no cancer found). Lastly, I was a part of the country reacting to the election in disbelief of how could this person be elected again.
I have been writing this blog since 2009 and my entries have slowed since the last half of that sixteen years. In some ways that is okay, but I do have many creative ideas that come to me and I have not acted upon them for whatever reason. This I know: I need to write to process life. I need to use my divinely given creativity as well. Hyperparathyroidism has taken a lot from me lately. I have experienced constant brain fog, depleted energy levels, muscle weakness, achy bones, headaches and increased anxiety. Yes, all of that from too much calcium in the body. Doing the bare minimum has been a stretch at times, and I'm thankful for my husband who has been patient with me. I'm also so very thankful for a Facebook support group that has enlightened me that it could take up to a year to recover fully from this little known condition. I had the surgery, the numbers look good but the symptoms are still here. I am turning the corner in that I have ecstatic moments of mental clarity and I can tell I have more energy for tasks although still becoming depleted in a short amount of time.
My annual decluttering phase is here but after two days of continued work, I'm empty again. Yesterday, I had an occular migraine and progress was made that I did not freak out as badly as it did the other two times that I had it. I went to the eye doctor months ago to check it out and after much discussion with my bestie, we think it is an eye headache. This time, I told myself the lightening squiggles were going away, and I took CBD tincture to help relax. I was then sensitive to sound and light for much of the day and had to rest.
I had to rest.
I have been doing a lot of resting and being with myself. I have really gotten use to the quiet and I like it. I'm glad I have done a lot of work to be with discomfort.
I have been doing a lot of resting because that is all I can do. This is how it goes. It's time to walk the dog. Maybe I can go farther this time. Just a few moments in, I start feeling depleted once again. My mind goes, oh nooooooo. Muscle weakness creeps in. I can't go farther. I beat myself up for not being able to do more. I go back home and find sources to read that this is normal. It took this condition a few years to advance itself, it is not going away immediately.
So I rest and accept.
I now have a headache, achiness all over, no energy and a little dizziness from the dog walk, writing, living.
To sum all this up, I want to write more. I also have limitations. I am recovering and it's going to take time and I have to be patient with myself. I am writing a few more minutes to finish this in a not so eloquent way because this doesn't have to be perfect.
It just is.
It is where I am. Deep acceptance.
The country is where it is. There has been an uncovering of the belly of the beast. It's always been there.
I have been fascinated with the office of the President since college, as well as the virtues of truth and decency, and lastly deconstructing my faith journey, the last 9 years has been rough. It's been rough on everyone, including Trump supporters. They are angry and have their reasons but obviously at this point, what he spews must be their belief system. Trump denigrates his enemies using bigotry, misogyny, racism and sexism all of which has been on display in our faces for a decade now and yet this is all okay. Let's add his multiple illegal and corrupt activities for decades and his bent to fascism. He's working hard to stay out of prison. Trump KNEW whom his "people" were, who would never turn their back on him. So many of us have waited years as his behavior has worsened for Trumpers to change their minds. Staying with him has always been unfathomable and honestly the biggest disappointment is the support of him by Christians.
I'll get to that later.
Oh and our children are watching.
I kept waiting and waiting for Nixon era type Republicans who asked him to step down after Watergate to step up but that type of Republican does not exist anymore. Liz Cheney, US Military Commanders, 700 current and former National Security Advisors and Republicans leaving or no longer in office, thankfully, do exist and have stood up.
There is a lot of fear stoked, as Trump preaches gloom and doom, hate, revenge in his current word salad. I equally have fear and doom with the thought of a Trump presidency with no guardrails and a packed Supreme Court that was not properly vetted. There is free reign for the President with immunity. Who would Trump bring with him to the office? Who would be the guardrails? Many of Trump's original hires, which were second and third tier "regular" Republican party, went to prison or were fired because the narcissist doesn't listen to reason. His VP was fired because Trump tried to have him killed in the insurrection because Pence was doing his job. And now with Trump showing obvious mental and physical decline, JD Vance and Project 2025 could really take over. Do you want to retain medicare and social security? Vance is scary because he might actually pass legislation which Trump really couldn't do because he flies by the seat of his pants (and ego) and has no capacity for coercing bipartisan support.
The list of grievances against Trump is so long, one cannot keep it short, but I'm going to try.
One of the issues that speaks the most to me as the mother of two college aged daughters is his lie of "being a supporter of women." He loves women, the same ones he cheated on, has sexually assaulted and grabbed by the pussy. He and his henchpersons have overturned Roe v Wade and now allow women to die in parking lots because doctors fear retribution. They force female children, victims of rape and incest to have babies. Childbirth has always been risky and through more advanced medical practices, less women and babies have died over the decades, but not anymore. Maternal death is on the rise.
Abortion is healthcare. Abortion is healthcare that women need. Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, fetal abnormalities, maternal life endangerment are all reasons for removal of the fetus and/or to keep the woman alive. If men were the ones to bear children, this would absolutely not be happening.
I thought that the Pro-Life movement was about saving fetuses. But as Republican legislatures have enacted their laws, that is just not the case for them. It is about control. Certain legislatures including Louisiana don't care about rape or incest victims of any age. Some want to take birth control, Plan B, lifesaving Mifepristone medication off the table and into a locked box. They want to track women going to another state to access abortion care, and put them in jail. Others are waiting with baited breath to charge the first doctor. This is an attack on women. Trump says women love it, one of his many, many, many lies. As a woman who went through infertility, and the mother of daughters, we can't go back! Today, a woman miscarrying, or who is told horrible news about their unborn baby, they then have to navigate both the loss of the infant and trying to go out of state increasing emotional, physical and financial burdens and a risk of dying.
If it was about life, military assault rifles would be banned and background checks would actually occur. In 1994 when they were banned, deaths went down. When the assault ban expired in 2004, deaths went up. Also, it is not a black and white issue, it is a both/and issue. You can keep your non-assault rifles and handguns while reducing the number of ones that do the most damage. It is common sense.
Now to Christians who support Trump. This is the BEST sermon below by a Texas House of Representatives Democrat, James Talerico. It is the voice that I have wanted to hear for a very long time. The below video is 19 minutes long, here are the highlights: "Christian Nationalists have turned the Son of God, a humble rabbi into a gun toting, gay bashing, science denying, money loving, fear mongering fascist."
Continuing Rep Talerico's words: "Christian nationalists walk around with a mouthful of scripture and a heart full of hate. Don't tell me what you believe. Show me how you treat other people and I'll tell you what you believe. Jesus didn't tell us to love our churches. He didn't tell us to love our doctrines and our creeds. He didn't even tell us to love our scriptures. He told us to love our neighbors, and there was no exception to that commandment. Love thy neighbor, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or immigration status."
He continues a little later: "You know what's interesting, not once in the entire Bible does Jesus ask us to worship him. All he asks is that we follow him. Love like he loved. Love the outcast. Welcome the stranger. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Free the oppressed. As the hymn says, 'they will know we are Christians by our love.' We have to get back to that."
Our children are watching.
And the real truth is that Kamala Harris is imminently qualified for office, will uphold the constitution, and wants to solve the problems at hand. She will work for women to be able to make decisions about their own bodies, pass the bipartisan border protection bill, work for clean air and water, small businesses, first time homeowners, bring down cost of pharmaceuticals, and preserve relationships with our allies etc. etc.
It is okay to vote for a Democrat this time, to preserve the great American experiment of a republican form of government. Our forefathers mutually pledged their lives, fortunes and sacred honor to stand firm in declaring independence from a powerful king. I know if you are a MAGA Trumper and you actually read this, it's not changing your mind at all but I had to get it off my chest.
In the last few weeks, much to my surprise I learned I have a parathyroid adenoma and I will need surgery to remove. It hopefully explains some of the life impairing symptoms that I have been having for months. I have felt much older than my fifty-six years and it makes sense now. I had been attributing it to another medication I'm taking and that this just must be aging. I underwent lots of different tests to come to the previous diagnoses of hypercalcemia and hyperparathyroidism. The last test though to find the affected parathyroid, really did me in. I can now say, with certainty that I had a panic attack in the middle of it. It was much more identifiable because I couldn't move.
I have never named my previous panic attacks. With my past "freak outs" I just didn't put it together. My ego probably didn't want to let me and once it was over, I didn't want to think about it anymore. Prior to the last test, I had contacted my pharmacist friend about my claustrophobia and the scan. She texted, will you have a panic attack? And until that moment, I had not named any of what I had experienced before as a panic attack.
I do have panic attacks.
This one enabled me to learn a few things.
In order to get a better look at my parathyroid glands, I had a nuclear medicine test with dye. I didn't take a gander at the scanner until the night before. It didn't look good. Yet I thought I will get through it, I will take a Xanax, it's going to be okay. It has to be, because I really need this test. I want to know for sure what is draining my energy, giving me body aches, headaches, making my brain fuzzy, as well as going to the bathroom numerous times during the night. I feel like I have aged two decades in the last few months. It is hard to be tired ALL the time, even thinking and talking is too hard.
The part of the scanner that gave me trouble was a large flat panel that was focused on my neck and it had to remain flat to my face about six- seven inches away for the first test of two minutes. I took the Xanax at 10:00 for the 10:30 test. I thought that would give sufficient time and also it needed to stay in my system for the other longer scans at 1:30pm.
The nuclear medicine "guide" Brad was very friendly, used a lot of humor as I was jittery and anxious. It took about ten minutes for the shot of the radioactive dye to settle into my system and away we go. One of my newer techniques to combat my claustrophobia is to have my mind occupied so I was planning to listen to a podcast or music. As I walked to get my airpods and phone, he said, it's just two minutes. So I didn't get them.
( Lesson 1) I didn't listen to my intuition.
I should have at least been listening to something. I laid down and the panel lowered in front of my face.
The life began draining from my body slowly and surely.
I stayed quiet as I could feel terror move down my body very slowly from the neck down. It felt like the radioactive dye was moving down, but it wasn't. It was past trauma.
That two minutes seemed to last for hours. All I thought was how could I get back in here and do this again for an even longer time period?!! Both Brad and another guide Alejandro held my hands during part of that two minutes, bless them. How in the heck am I going to manage this again?
I sat up, felt like I had to throw up and gingerly walked away with Brad telling me, we will get you through this.
I had another text conversation with my pharmacist friend. I learned that my Xanax dose wasn't that strong and I could take another but I would need someone to drive me for the second appointment.
I enter the zone of one of my absolute worst fears. Who am I going to get to help me? I have no one to help me. It brings up abandonment issues that paralyze me, yet I needed to act and fast. I was forced to start reaching out to persons who could get here in 45 minutes and take me across town to Ochsner Hospital. At this point, I was ugly crying so I at least wanted someone I felt comfortable with. An Uber would not do the trick. I reached out to a few people and there were conflicts, but each one said, they would work it out if needed.
I was so heartened to know they would show up if they could.
Tears rolling down my face even now.
(Lesson 2) I do have friends who are willing to help.
My fourth person, Shannon, was off work on Friday afternoon, nearby and available! I told her I was a hot mess, and she replied, "hot mess is my specialty."
Relief and gratitude flowed through my body. It was the opposite feeling of the test. I stopped crying and took another Xanax.
(A note: I don't like taking Xanax, benzodiazepines can be dangerous if taken regularly, I only use them when absolutely necessary)
Off we went, Shannon came into the scanner room, talked to me and held my hand for some of it. I'm here, I've got you. This time, I did grab my phone and airpods and listened to music. My husband George did a fly by as he was in the middle of five surgeries that afternoon. It was so much easier this go round.
(Lesson 3) Take the right dose of Xanax.
I remember having a great conversation catching up with Shannon on the way home. After a good nap, it all seemed a little fuzzy though, so absolutely I should not drive on a full dose of Xanax. Thanks Kris! The fun(!) from this day carried over until the next day. I felt so drained and experience a panic attack hangover. Every cell in my body had freaked out for that two minutes and then it went on as I tried to prepare to do it all over again. I had to be kind and rest and take care of myself.
I will not beat myself up for having a response that is in my body. It just is. If anything, welcoming the unwanted feelings and making friends with it is the way to heal what is in the body. I have to nurture my own self. Yet, people can also be utterly kind, I have found those people in my tribe to connect with and help me and vice versa. I have more chances to ask for help as I will have surgery in the next couple of weeks.
I appreciate that and I want to notice more especially as I feel I have lost some of my sense of humor. I feel I've stayed in the weeds a lot on my healing journey.
Yet God/Divinity does have a sense of humor.
I'm paying attention and it is a healing act to find the funny when we can.
George and I, the new empty nesters recently watched the two season HBO MAX series, "The Flight Attendant" with Kaley Cuoco. She is the flight attendant with a drinking problem who wakes up in a Bangkok hotel room next to a deceased passenger that she had been partying with the previous night. His throat has been slit and there is blood everywhere. This is not my normal fare because I haven't been able to watch violence and blood for quite some time. Yet I was drawn to the quirky, twist and turns as the main character is trying to clear her name. Kaley's character has repeated flashbacks of the bloody dead man with his neck slit over and over which was really instilled in my head.
That takes me to the current issue of the last few weeks.
I am in the middle of a medical issue. For the last few years, I have had high levels of calcium in my body and recently, the number went outside of the normal range. I had no idea what that meant, so the last few weeks, I have been immersing myself with hypercalcemia and now hyperparathyroidism. (and that is not thyroid, parathyroid! and a growth that is highly likely to be benign) I have had bloodwork, an ultrasound, bone test, twenty-four hour urine collection and as of yesterday, a nuclear medicine test. We have now located approximately where the out of whack gland is that so that a surgeon can more easily find it to take it out.
Guess where the surgery will occur? It would require a slit across my neck!
Okay, a smaller slit, but still, a slit!
Right after I found about the potential surgery, I keep having the bloody vision of that deceased character in my head and then I laughed at it. That is huge for my anxiety ridden self. What is the likelihood of seeing a bloody slit neck over and over for two weeks straight and then discovering I need to have my own neck sliced to heal myself?
The universe's other funny bit is that in the same time period of watching that show, I started using a new cream...on my neck. My children make fun of me because sometimes I fall for ads on social media. I am now trying the "Go Pure Tighten and Lift Neck Cream." I have noticed the things going on now with my neck... stupid selfies.
Now, there will be a slit in that neck that I'm trying to lift and tighten and improve the appearance of.
The universe continues to give me opportunities to laugh and is telling me - Let Go. Let go of the superficial! I've earned all of these wrinkles, crepey skin, sun spots and the crinkle action in my neck. I am beginning to embrace aging gracefully, but on the other hand I will never stop dyeing my hair...
Riley and Mallory do you hear me?!
We all have a line. That is my line. My beloved long term hairdresser says that my coloring doesn't fair well for grey hair. I am going with that for now. I thoroughly embrace those who go with grey hair though.
Most importantly, Laughter is the Best Medicine. As I continue having medical issues, it would be really good for me to break up the fear and anxiety with some laughter. I have noticed that in hospital settings in previous procedures, many employees actively use humor to lighten things up. Each time I am reminded, oh yeah, that is such a good thing.
We moved our youngest daughter to college two weeks ago. Three cars caravanned to Mississippi. Eldest daughter had been at home working remotely for the last three months for summer break. She took part in the move in process and then headed back to her own school, two hours away. We got youngest settled in, met the roommate and her family and eventually George and I departed.
One car came home solo on that Sunday.
The nest is now empty.
There is so much meaning to that small statement.
My first gut instinct is to deny that I'm sad, or that I might get depressed. I really really want everything (meaning me) to be okay. I desperately NEED to be okay (and of course, my daughter!). The feelings of why that sentiment is so strong is because I went through horrendous postpartum depression and it still terrifies me that I might to back to that deep dark isolated place.
I now have tools and experience to address situations that may arise.
I don't feel depressed right now. There is a vague sadness and certain little things hit for a few seconds. This is more discombobulation, characterized by confusion and disorder. It's different than went I sent eldest off when I grieved early and often. The house is extremely quiet yet I really crave silence. One, because I am an introvert and two, because that is when I hear God, my higher power and I process life which helps with becoming unstuck and more combobulated!
We do now have three cats, yes three, and a dog who follow me around. I was unconsciously filling the nest as we lost two of our elder pets last fall. What made me saddest when we arrived home that Sunday was seeing Snarg. This is the cat that lived in youngest's bedroom and slept with her at night. I felt bad that Mallory would not be there for Snarg on a regular basis anymore. But shy, skittish Snarg is adjusting. I had to realize the cat is not as deeply traumatized as we humans. She is branching out and coming to be with George and I. On cue, Snarg had just came all the way across the house to my bedroom and to the chair in the corner that I write in.
So what is hitting me is now what? What is my focus? I have lived to be the best mother I could to my daughters. I have done a lot of work to heal generational wounds so that I could be available to them emotionally and mentally. I have spent years in therapy and the last few have been amazingly productive using Internal Family Systems which includes body work, because the body holds the trauma. And amazingly, that work has dovetailed remarkably with my spirituality. It's all inner work!
What I have to remind myself is although I lived to be there for my children I learned to take care of myself along the way. And now, I just want to be.
I just want TO BE for a little bit.
I'm tired. I am an introvert and I pushed through to do all kinds of things in the last 22 years as a stay at home mom. Did I ever want to be in charge of a group of children? Never. I liked the idea of it but it was not in my wheelhouse. But I did that many times. I even created ways to do it, to have opportunities for my children.
I need to reset. I need to give myself some time and space to lean into the new normal.
George and I are adjusting to this new normal as well. I believe we still like each other! We were eased into being alone together again as Mallory was always gone.
My children still need me in different ways. The first two weeks of school, I talked to my youngest more than I did all summer. They are both making their way and I'm so proud of who they are, how emotionally attuned they are and their drive. I was so scared of everything at their age, but I have learned so much about myself and healed that I hope that I can pass on the wisdom I have obtained and still gaining.
Ready or not, here is the empty nest. It's a new chapter. I can go slow, rest, and take time to process to lean into the next steps. I know I very much need to trust my divinely given instincts that are telling me this is what I need now.
I joined a mother-daughter philanthropic organization nine years ago. The President of the chapter asked me to do the Inspiration for what was my last meeting in January 2024. It ended up becoming a reflection and I spoke for ten minutes. This is what I wrote, and I was really nervous about speaking but this is close to what came out of my mouth. I was told that it resonated with several ladies.
Helllllloooooooo. My name is Carolyn Golightly. I am a Class of 2024 Pat and was a Class of 2021 Pat. So this is my ninth and final year. And this is my last meeting!!!!
Megan texted asked me to do the inspiration for January 27th meeting. My stomach turned. I messaged that will be my last meeting…she messaged “I know.” In my head I thought, how will I fit nine years into a quote. The message from Megan said, you can make it a reflection about your years. And I thought YOU SEE ME -we are on the same wavelength yet my stomach is still turning. I knew I had to do it, because I should end my time at NCL, in the same way I spent my years in NCL, stepping out of my comfort zone!
So this is my reflection of being inspired by the River Road Chapter of NCL!
Here is something personal about myself: Early on, in my early 20’s I had this calling, drive, insight around my unborn children, knew I wanted to mother in a way that my children felt my emotional presence. In hindsight, I felt very alone growing up. SO no wonder that I went into counseling as a profession, and worked in mental health. After kids, I stayed at home, but I lost professional work skills like public speaking, being in an organization, leading, working as a team. So after some time, I was really glad that I Forest Gumped my way into NCL.
Of course, Riley and I joined late, after orientation and I dragged my introverted, shy, smart 6th grader to our first tea. I think I knew two to three people at most. And off we went.
I was placed on the Provisionals committee for taking care of new members, which was good, I could learn what I missed at Orientation. And as time passed, something happened, I was asked to join the board, as VP of Provisionals. I never saw myself being in a leadership position, ever. I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. Where did that take me? I was given a front row seat to watch and participate in women working together as a team, leading our daughters, working with philanthropies for the betterment of our community within a framework of bylaws.
Now, did I want to get up on all those Saturdays for a meeting at 9am? No. But every meeting I walked away inspired by a representative of a philanthropy, or a special speaker or one year we had ticktocker alums come back and talk about their experiences. That made an impression on me.
This chapter also helped me in other ways. Riley my eldest daughter, at the time in eighth grade decided to make a change and move to SJA from Dunham. I had no home base at St Josephs. I needed some people. I looked around at a PAT meeting, and thought, who will be my people? I found a group of ladies that were both NCL and SJA and I formed a group text, and they were my tribe throughout those four years of high school and …we are still meeting for dinner to this day, seven years later.
Three years go by and we get Mallory, my younger daughter on board, and in order to get her to go to meetings, I recruit all of her friends from Dunham. She is not as engaged as Riley has become but she was very excited to enter her NCL time on college applications and her resume. Children are different.
We continue along, Riley graduates in ’21, starts college at the University of Alabama in Birmingham and joins a sorority. I was unsure if she would join, but she found her place. She becomes an officer immediately. I just did not see this coming! She has served as an officer each year. And at the beginning of January, If you read your newsletter - I’m on the Newsletter committee... (let me know if you want to join, great job) - she is serving as their President.
I put a post about it on Facebook as I do, and one of my close friends, texted me and said that I had modeled that leadership role for Riley. And then my friend said, I’m proud of you for showing her leadership and dedication.
So VERKLEMPT - Hearing someone compliment my mothering goes directly to my heart. And yet I really can't take it in. My intention of being present as a mother has changed me and my relationship with my children. I am learning to love unconditionally both myself and those around me.
So yes, I had something to do with Riley’s transformation, as did her father, but it is also who she is. The third component was what she learned by being in NCL. She learned to lead a meeting, watch how an organization was run, she always wanted to hear the scoop about the board meetings.
PAUSE - take deep breath
So as I say goodbye to the River Road Chapter, I am thankful.
I was inspired. My daughters were inspired and as Martha Stuart would say “It’s a very good thing.”
And please see me if you are interested in chairing the newsletter after the meeting!
I didn't think I would be writing about my uterus anymore. I did ten years ago when I had an endometrial ablation. https://timetogolightly.blogspot.com/2013/08/thank-you-uterus.html All has been good for a long time except some ovarian cysts and fibroids that weren't causing any long term problems. Last year, I did find out I was in menopause and began taking estrogen.
About a month ago, the uterus became problematic again. A visit with a nurse practioner, and the ER uncovered that my uterus decided to supersize with fibroids and was causing discomfort and pain. I learned about fibroid degeneration, and blood supply. Tomorrow, I plan to learn more after the surgery is completed that will remove my uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. The key word is after surgery.
I have learned some things about myself in the last twenty-seven years which was my last "big" surgery.
I have anxiety. At times, this anxiety grips my body in paralysis and my mind thinks it's never going to leave my person ever, ever again. As my heart is racing, my stomach is turning, my whole body is activated but frozen and my thoughts turn to desperation and darkness. How will I go on like this forevermore? Who is going to save me? After some time has passed, and the grip of anxiety has lessened, I forget that I have anxiety. It has come to be a surprise over and over that this condition is my baseline. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked when some years ago, my primary care doctor wrote in my chart, generalized anxiety disorder!
In the past, when I wasn't in the thick of it, I had been in complete denial of it. Anxiety didn't interfere in my life's function until postpartum with my first child. I didn't know what was going on, but it tortured me.
The last few years, with my fabulous therapist, I have used Internal Family Systems therapy to address and understand my baseline anxiety and feelings of abandonment. Much time has been invested in knowledge about trauma in the body, and Complex PTSD, etc. For years, I focused on head knowledge which was an avoidant technique. Now, I address it in the body with IFS, brainspotting, yoga, meditation, mindfulness and new understandings of the Trinity. Now I know, I need to embrace the anxiety and make space for it and coexist with it, because it is a part of me.
In late 1996, my last big surgery, was when I was first married and living in Buffalo, New York, while my husband was in his general surgery residency. I began having abdominal pain and it was my appendix. On the way to the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital to have it removed, I'm sure I asked what was going to happen. My husband told me every freaking detail of what was going to happen. In hindsight, it was best for me not to know the details, including the kicker that there was to be shaving of a certain region! Another thing to block out in that surgery, with my unclothed body laying on the table was a residency friend that had come to our Thanksgiving dinner who would be assisting. There are things I needed to block out then and now and likely forevermore.
When I had my appendix removed, I had the really unpleasant memory of being rolled into the OR, but not out under anesthesia yet. I was very distressed as the room was cold and very bright, and I could see the sterile instruments and every one rushing around to prepare but there was no attention to me. I felt so abandoned and alone. It triggered something deeply embedded in me. They were just doing their jobs but I very much had a reaction that has stayed with me to this day and is coming up as I type this.
This time, twenty seven years later, I am able to speak up and ask that I not be rolled into the OR until I'm out, ask for a hand or some acknowledgment. Anything for me to speak up and express myself!
I am the person to save me. For a few decades, I didn't know how to ask. I suffered in silence. I didn't feel worthy to speak up.
Yesterday, as I discussed the upcoming procedure with a friend group, and I told them about the blog from ten years ago, and how I had wanted to acknowledge my uterus and it's job, my friend started laughing. She brought up sentiments of Marie Kondo, the house organizer: In letting go of objects in the home, she would thank them for their service and let them go if they did not spark joy anymore.
My uterus is banging into my bladder and other parts andis not sparking joy anymore!! I once again am profoundly thankful for having the privilege of carrying two of the lights of my lives and giving birth. There was a time, I didn't think that would happen and I am still grateful.
I am also grateful to say goodbye to these four reproductive parts. It is time. I hope to be productive in other ways using other parts as I continue on with this adventure of life.
My relationship with the gym is changing. Old school me would have to make myself go, because I'm supposed to be there and it was based on looks. Now at fifty-five, it's more about being able to move and function! I hope to have grandchildren one day and I want to be active with them. When we took a two week nonstop group trip to Europe this summer, I wanted to be able to keep up and not struggle, so I trained. Moving my body now, makes me feel good.
I also am learning that sitting with my body and thoughts, makes me feel good.
Actually, better than the gym does.
As a person who has suffered with anxiety forever (and didn't know it), hypervigilance and people pleasing, I had no idea how much I needed to be still and know that I am.
Recently, I realized that the only classes I was actually attending at Woman's Center for Wellness were "Yoga Nidra" (gentle yoga with 20 minute guided meditation) and a "Breathe and Connect" which was total meditation. I was going to the gym to meditate?!! At first, I thought I'm a slacker, but then I discovered practicing in a group honed my skills and that is what I needed at this time.
I have heard about meditation forever. I knew it was SO good but when I sat down and tried over the years, I struggled. I would try here and there. At church, it was called centering prayer. I remember sitting in a graduate school class and trying to breathe as instructed and making myself dizzy. I did not take to it naturally at all.
It has taken decades to gain this skill. When I was taking more intense yoga classes and at the short shavasana at the end, emotions would come up and that freaked me out. I was not okay with what came up because yoga was supposed to be relaxing.
There is a good Netflix series called "Headspace: Guide to Meditation" by Andy Puddicombe. He describes meditation as: "a skill of training our mind so that we can have a calmer, clearer mind and a greater sense of ease in our mind, our body and our life." Andy reports how science has studied how meditation affects heart rate, blood pressure and stress levels and even the structure of the brain. I can actually change the hardwiring of my brain to lessen anxiety. That seems really unfathomable to me, but I am slowly seeing that very thing occurring.
All of that sounds good doesn't it, but it's really REAL.
Mr. Puddicombe also describes how he thought he could think himself out of losses in his life. I so identify with this. I wanted to excise any negative emotion that came up. My feelings frightened me. I was phobic of them. He states that training the mind is about changing our relationship with the passive thoughts and feelings that come up. We change our perspective on them and we naturally find a place of calm.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
This immediately reminds me of an instagram post I read recently. The opening slide attributed to Lexi Florentina states: We don't actually heal or "get rid of" our pain, trauma or grief. Instead, we build capacity to coexist with it in a way where presence, safety, and joy can also take place.
And then she takes the idea further...
Wow!
The trauma, pain and distress will always be with us, but it is less intense as we process it. With my therapist, I have processed some of my trauma, and I learned to be with it using IFS therapy. Over time, I became less emotionally overwhelmed and began to welcome and nurture the scared, anxious, abandoned parts of my younger self.
I can see now that meditation is a version of this. I watch my thoughts go by and not attach to them or become them. I use breathing as a major component to come back to the present as the restless thoughts always appear. Sometimes, I repeat a positive intention word over and over. There's so many ways.
I'm so glad the gym offers Yoga Nidra and Breathe and Connect classes and I tried them! They strengthened my meditation practice greatly. One teacher was new to me but her meditation and the calming, nurturing way she led the guided meditation in shavasana was exactly what I needed. The other teacher was one that I have taken classes from for years and she has taught me during that time to be kind and gentle with myself and send love to the parts of the body that we were stretching.
So meditation and cardio. Yoga Nidra and strength training. The gym can be a place to meditate.
“At some point on the journey, you may reach a point where you want to ease the throttle of transformation. Not where you stop growing, but where you stop utilizing your will to affect personal change. You’re still growthful, but it’s different. It’s gentler, and it’s more about accepting what is, than changing it. You reach a place where you are more embracing of who you are, and of how far you have come, and you feel ready to work with what you’ve got. It’s important to notice this moment, if it arrives. Because there is a real peace in that tender self-acceptance. And, ironically, it may ignite the most profound change of all.”
This really resonates at this point in time. I am taking a break from therapy. I didn't see this happening, it just dawned on me after a few intense years. I have been on a mission to heal myself for such a very long time. And prior to the pandemic until about February of this year, I engaged in Internal Family Systems therapy with my long time therapist. I dug up some of my most intense past experiences, some from childhood, which I had no idea were residing in me and began the process of learning how to soothe myself and those parts. It was intense, eye opening, exhausting and healing work. I could be affected for a day or longer. I have processed so much sadness, anger, and hurt.
It's not an easy path.
It's slow growth.
But I am thrilled that I am still on it. Every small awareness leads to others down the road.
The Psalm verse states, "Be still and know that I am God..."
This is that practice.
Taking a break from actively drawing out pain bodies seems to be my path right now. I am listening to myself and this is an act of nurturance. That is a key to my journey now. Learning to be kind to myself, and determining what is the most loving thing I can do for me.
"You should love your neighbor as you love yourself..."
I have loathed myself for a large portion of my life. The thoughts in my head are so cruel. I see how this verse, really really applies to human nature and to me. The more we nurture ourself, the more love for others just naturally springs forth. I have felt that so many times and stand in sheer amazement.
Being a human in this world means that every day something is going to come along to process and now I'm practicing what I have learned over the years. This break from therapy, means process life as it is. So many times during the day, my stomach turns with anxiety. The goal is to welcome that anxiety and not run from it, not numb it and lovingly BE with it. This takes a lot of practice. Something that helps is meditation and bit by bit, I am practicing that too.
One key act of nurturance towards myself is slowing down my yoga practice. Instead of more intense power yoga, I unconsciously sought out restorative yoga. I found Nidra Yoga. And over the course of attending a particular class, the teacher made adjustments and it became more restorative. For half of the class, we are in savasana listening to the teacher guide us through a loving meditation. During one of the first sessions, as the teacher kindly, lovingly spoke to us and our worth, tears flowed and I knew, finally understood, oh, THIS is what is meant by nurturing myself. This is being kind to myself. Pushing myself to do the intense yoga and hold poses, hurting myself to keep up, is not.
Being, and taking care of the parts of myself that needed unconditional love in the past is my path forward. This is reparenting myself: listening to my divine intuition, paying attention to new awarenesses and recognizing the flow of love inside and outside.
I am trying to watch as many Oscar nominated movies as I can before the Academy Awards show on March 12. It's an annual tradition and I have to come to terms with watching movies that are not my genre or that I really don't understand, yet usually I find a nugget of a really great truth. Last night, there was a wonderful moment and it couldn't have been timed any better.
At this point, I've watched most of the dramas and now I move to watch animated films. They are my least favorite genre behind action, war or fantasy. Last night, we viewed "Turning Red" from Disney. I came into it with low expectations, and it was "free" as we subscribe to Disney streaming. It was one more box I could check off my crumpled Oscar nominations page. I have also been obsessively filling out the same online quiz to up my score for how many of the 2023 Oscar nominated movies I have watched compared to others. I know it's not a hard feat, but I love it.
I knew there was a possibility that something would hit home for me in this Disney movie. ("Dig A Little Deeper" from "Princess and the Frog" comes to mind first and I think I wrote about it)
I have been acutely struggling with sadness and anxiety for the last year or so. The last days, I was really grappling hard with sadness. It is not a new struggle and I found journals where I wrote the same feelings 6 and 7 years ago. I was writing the SAME exact feelings!! I chuckled out loud and that felt huge. I began thinking that as freaking uncomfortable as these feelings are, they are not going anywhere. And the more gently that I accept them and even welcome them(!!!), they may grow to be less uncomfortable.
The following are ideas from ten years ago in my notes on my Iphone, and I will attribute them to Mary O'Malley, an author and therapist whom I likely heard them from at the time: The frontal lobe is dualistic in nature: we have been conditioned from very early on to live in war. Our core compulsion is to struggle. All other compulsions are an attempt to numb out the constant unease of this struggle. What you control, controls you.
What you control, controls you.
Eeesh.
Acceptance it is.
It seems that acceptance is always the solution but it may take time to see and become aware of it. The pain stands in the way of acceptance. Pain and discomfort need to be welcomed like old friends. Yes, really. I push pain away, fear it and become obsessed with it. It is the most difficult assignment, but yet time and time again, this truth is exposed to me.
What I have come to understand is that I feel like I am becoming sadness, not that it's just come for a visit. Sadness and anxiety are a protection from from the past, decades ago. There were events that I could not handle on my own and these were protective mechanisms for younger me. The current me, the older, wiser me has learned tools to better accommodate life.
Back to "Turning Red"as George, Mallory and I are watching it. Mei is a thirteen year old teenager who is now turning into a red panda when experiencing intense emotion due to powers passed down matrilineally. The first time she turned into the "monster" while having both anger and joy, I turned to Mallory and said something, like... here we go.
And then later on in the movie was this fantastic moment as her dad explains to Mei:
"People have all kinds of sides to them and some sides are messy, the point isn't to push the bad stuff away, it's to make room for it, live with it."
Wow, wow, wow.
I once again turned to Mallory and said something about here it is (the truth bomb). She turned her head towards me and had a quiet smile of recognition.
I ADORE and live for these moments. Moments on film or life that reflect something that I have grappled so hard with and I hear the same truth that I have painfully come to. I love that my daughters and I even lightly touch upon truths that I did not come to understand until my forties and now fifties.
If watching an animated Disney movie is the catalyst, it's so worth it!
Some of life's greatest pleasures come when you least expect it.
Over the weekend, I engaged George in assisting me to declutter. Sometimes, I need a warm body for companionship but one with a high reach is always especially helpful. My main goal was to get the bookcase next to my bed cleaned up as it was overflowing. There were steps to the process both literally and figuratively. There were hard decisions to be made, this time about books to keep or let go of as well as objects that had special memories but no place for display. As I was trying to find space to move books around, I came across a book in the living room bookcase (as opposed to the bedroom, dining room, or spare room bookcases!) I immediately knew who it was from.
It is a small collection of essays about Provence given to me by Aunt Joy, my father's one and only sibling. She passed away in 2003 before I knew exactly how much we were alike. I am still becoming aware of who I am and giving myself permission to do so. It has been a reassurance that I was like someone in my family. Aunt Joy moved away from our hometown of Ethel after high school, went to college for social work and married a doctor in New Orleans. She loved the arts and to laugh. Her advice for family get togethers was to avoid discussion of religion or politics.
She and I would have been okay to discuss politics because I believe we were on the same page, I just didn't know it as clearly as I do now.
I would have been interested in her take on religion as well.
The book had an inscription and was dated 1990.
Something to dream on.
Provence. Excitement bubbles to the surface as I thought of our upcoming summer trip.
Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!
Am I going to Provence?
We have a European school trip planned for June including France. Are we going there?!!!
I run to find the itinerary and I actually know where it is!!
I cannot remember things as clearly as I use to. And I NEVER thought I would be traveling to Europe... again. My family went to the UK in July and it was extraordinary. A trip I will never forgot. When I think of it, I am filled with JOY.
I find the papers.
WE ARE GOING TO PROVENCE!
How thrilling! This is a huge God wink and I take it in. Thirty three years later, and a present from the past comes alive again. A wonderful time to remember my aunt, to remind me to laugh, and to Dream.
How many dreams do I have now? It seems like I stay more concerned with surviving and working to stay peaceful in my heart and mind. This is a wonderful check to ponder dreams. I have dreams for my children but what I am dreaming of for myself. At times, I don't feel worthy, but in this particular instance, this book and this trip, is totally kismet.
Also, dreams don't have to be grand. They can be quietly purposeful.
Namaste
Aunt Joy with her grandson Jack around June 2002 on a riverboat in New Orleans. I would have been pregnant with Riley due in October 2002.
This picture was taken outside of her home on 39 Lark in New Orleans. From left to right, My brother (in chair) Aunt Joy, cousin Kay, myself, and my mom and dad. The date is sometime in the late seventies?
I have not been writing blogs as much in the last few years and that is disappointing. I hear many people say that they write to process life and I concur. I didn't know that when I started writing here fourteen years ago but it is necessary for me. It's not that I don't have content because the last year, and those preceding, I processed much but I just wasn't writing about it.
Unused creativity is not benign as Brene Brown is quoted. In just looking up that quote, I realize that I have been feeling all of that: grief, rage, judgment, sorrow and shame.
I have to figure out how to sit down and write again. And allow the words to flow through. And let go of the judgment.
Sometimes ideas have to percolate. Sometimes the material is really personal and it's hard to share out loud. For some reason, I want to share in a public forum but this is ripe with drawbacks. Who will read it and will there be a negative reaction? I have experienced those. I have been waiting to be criticized my whole life. What I have found is that by the time it makes it to this forum, I have deliberated on it long enough and it flows out. There is divinity in that flow and there is a joy and truth that occurs along with it.
I have also found positive remarks from persons who I did not expect to hear from and the only way this occurs is to share publicly. You never know who it will connect with. My writing is not meant for everyone of course, but I need it.
These are unused pictures in the hallway leading up to our primary bedroom. I have decided I no longer want them in the places they use to hang. A friend looked at some of them hanging in our dining room and commented about the color of the picture frames and she was 100 percent correct. I needed another pair of eyes to awaken my senses. I then looked around at everything hanging on the walls and knew I needed to shake things up and I did and then I got tired and maybe the holidays kicked in...
I have to decide what to do with these last items. Some are treasured and some I use to treasure. This process started late October and as of January 9th, today, they are still sitting in the hallway. God bless my patient husband.
Processing takes time, whether is processing the events of life or choosing which pictures to hang. Letting go of the past and being in the present. I know the desire to get this cleaned up will come. Sometimes you just have to Wait for it.
