A Big Freaking Goal

This is my goal.

It so fits with shifting from fear to love.  

It's a lot of freaking work though.  

Today is one of those days, where it seems really hard and unlikely to happen.  

But I know that will pass.  It will seem easier to do another day.

Grieving The Only Way I Know How

Saturday was the year anniversary of my dad's passing.  I didn't even remember until the afternoon the significance of the day.  I had stayed busy all morning with kids' activities and dog sitting but evidently it wasn't on my mind.

And I think what is wrong with me?  (I feel everything now! I cry at any tender moment)

Later in the day I noticed that some relatives had posted their tributes on Facebook.  Yet, I felt... nada, nothing.  And then shame entered in the picture because he was my father after all, I should feel something.

And then a friend pointed out an Anne Lamott quote: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” 

And it's not that dad behaved badly, he was who he was.  I went back and read what I wrote in this blog shortly after he died, about our relationship.  The gist is that I always wanted more from him.   I did not feel connected to him interpersonally.  We never chatted one on one. He never called me.  He was a physical presence.  He was not able to give any more than that and I grieved and I was angry and I grieved some more and over time I learned to accept him for who he was.  I did this especially knowing he had multiple medical issues and our time was most likely limited.  And in the very end I came to the conclusion that his lesson to me was authenticity.  In one of the only heart to hearts we had, he had told me, he wasn't going to change, he was who he was.  And so my positive spin was...I've got to be who I am. 

I'm so glad I re-read what I wrote because I needed that reminder to be authentic again.  We can only be who we are and if we don't do that, it's a miserable life following other people's cues.   Owning who I am and stepping out to do the things that interest me is the opportunity to connect to others who are my tribe and that is an amazing occurrence. That is where wholeness and healing begins to occur.

So on Sunday, I went to church. And it was still on my mind that I hadn't felt much of anything upon the anniversary.  And then...the song in the Call to Prayer was this:

And a few tears rolled down my cheek.  

I am connected to my father.  

It may not have been the way I wanted but I am.   A lot of my connection is through family heritage with land and trees and ancestors that I love to delve into.  I'm also connected by a history of growing up in the Methodist Church and through hymns and music.  I have very specific memories of standing in the tiny Ethel United Methodist Church on the back left row (!) and listening to him sing.  That is my connection. 

So, there we are, or rather there I am!  Not everyone grieves in the same way or in the same time frame. And sometimes, the people whom you want to connect with in the worst way, are not the ones whom it will be.   I can't make something out of nothing.  I can just be me. 

Belief

Yes!  

This is true.

What you believe, you will become.

I have always lived with fear.

Fear in every thought.

And every thought was so small.

Learning to live with HEART and LOVE now.

Slow painstaking process.

Makes all the difference in the world though.

Namaste.

Washing Dishes??

I enjoyed washing the dishes last night.

And the night before.

What has happened to me???   I have HATED washing dishes from the first time I was asked in the late 70's or early 80's.  Most nights, I will leave items in the sink that I can't put in the dishwasher until the next morning. I don't want to deal with it.

I find I never completely finish the project of cleaning the kitchen.  And my husband will attest to that. There are many activities that I don't finish but that is a topic for another day.

But for the last two nights, I noticed it was actually a calming activity.  (Could it be related to the fact that my youngest daughter had major meltdowns during homework on these 2 nights as well?!)  Time will tell.

I was alone in the kitchen, no distractions and I just focused on washing, and rinsing and stacking to dry. It was such a peaceful process.  I took time with each item until I was done.

I remember Oprah talking to Eckhart Tolle about being in the moment and that is just being with whatever you are doing, in that moment. They discussed walking up stairs and while doing so having no other thoughts about anything else.  It takes practice to do this.  No phone, no worrying about the future, no worrying about the present, no frustrations about the past.  Just thinking about each step as you climb.

This mindfulness "stuff" can really change your life.  I had gratitude for washing dishes.

Holy crap. : )

Namaste

Update on the Eye Glass Situation

A Follow up: There will be no chain for my eyeglasses...JS

Riley and I looked at some at a department store.
Can't do it.


Namaste.

I Had to Let The Dust Settle Before I Hit the Publish Button (It's About the Duggars)

I wrote a very long post about the Duggars weeks ago but never published.

It was restrained anger with love.  (Yeah, it was mostly anger.) And I used a refrain of "Praying the Gay Away" with "Praying the Molestation Away."  It was very clever if I do say so myself.

As an LGBT supporter AND Christian, I don't agree with the Duggars' politics, religion and let's not touch the hypocrisy of Michelle Duggar's robocall and any of Josh's words... condemning anybody.

After I had written my blog, I read a very loving and sensitive blog and the author's point was really, really good, but on a comment in response, I went off in a restrained fashion letting loose on how this news pushed every one of my core buttons.  The author's  loving way to address the situation had stopped me in my tracks though and I did not hit publish on my blog.

The Duggar situation hit way too close to home for me.

Between the fundamentalism, and anti-LGBT, that's enough to start.  The facts that the kids have no room to be who they really are,  because the family appears to have all the makings of a cult...allegedly.  Those parents produce children and they are expected to believe exactly as Jim Bob and Michelle.

So you can see where the veiled rant went.

But the most important point here is that me judging them, has my energy focused on the negative.   And I was judging.  I found I had to walk away and not read any more Twitter, watch any more CNN, nor finish the second Megan Kelly interview because it stirred me up and I became obsessive.  This was not positive nor a forward move nor loving.

And the bottom line is I want to put more love out in the world, not judgement, not hate.

I had to let it go.

Though I was very, very interested in the behavioral phenomenon of people, (politicians, preachers)  who come out and preach against something fervently, and yet they actually have the thing that they are preaching against going on within themselves (or their family!)  This is the phenomenon I wanted to know about and hear about.   I think it's called projection.

So here is my new blog about The Duggars.

Jim Bob and Michelle are doing the best job they can.  They love their children.  They love God, I love God and yet we have different rules.  I'm glad I'm not one of their children.   I really, really hope Josh Duggar has not relapsed and molested anyone else.  Molestation is really, really hard to address behaviorally and for the impulse to diminish.  More than likely, Josh was most likely molested himself.  And I'm glad that my family is not on television.

There, that wasn't so bad was it?  It still wasn't as loving as the other blog but it's more than what I wrote the first time.

Namaste.

Listen To Your Intuition Even If You Disappoint Someone Who Came Out Of Your Body

I volunteered to participate in VBS… again.  It's about 10-12 years now.

I didn't want to.   My overriding predominant feeling that was really, really clear to me was that I was done volunteering for VBS.   And it has taken me years to listen to that intuition.  I have written about this topic of VBS before.  There was only one person, maybe two, in my family who wanted me too.

 My eldest daughter said something to the tune of me destroying her life and "you have always volunteered."

I shouldn't do things because other people want me too.  Even the people who came out of my own body.

The dread set in last week.  I have pushed it out of my head all summer but it is upon us.  It starts tomorrow.

DREAD.

This is the opposite of being passionate.

One needs to follow their passion to be fulfilled.

I will put my game face on and do this thing but I'm so biding my time and waiting for this week to be over.  That is now how to live.  I know better than this.  Why do something when you just dread doing it?  There are many other things in life that are necessary that I may not look forward to and need to do. This is not one of them anymore.

Deep Breathing.

I will follow my intuition the next time.